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Thread: I wish 'this' hit me harder earlier in life (existencial blues)

  1. #1

    Default I wish 'this' hit me harder earlier in life (existencial blues)

    I know I can't go back and change the past but I can't help thinking of all the fun and comfort I missed out on, as well as maybe having a better go at finding a partner who I could be compatible with.

    I can go way back and remember being fascinated by diapers but never having the real impulses to act on it, therefore I never attempted to steal them.

    When I was 8 my dad put a cloth diaper on me and forced me to wear it under my clothes all day as a punishment for bedwetting (I woke up wet nearly every morning for the next 10 years) but for the life of me I can't remember much about it other than sort of enjoying the tightness of the diaper with jeans pulled up tight over it.

    In middle school I had a flash of envy/ attraction when I found myself behind a girl in the lunch line. My classmates were joking about her and while I didnt join in I could kick myself for not defending her - not that she would have given me the time of day.

    I was 18 or 19 and 'borrowing' my dad's stash of Forum and Variations magazines and that was my first revelation that 'this' existed. The letters were mostly written by guys and it always seemed to end badly for them when their wives/partners found out. I suppose it was then that I knew deep down that I was 'one of those' but it was already bad enough that I had had a crossdressing stash my mother found and confronted me about when I was 15, and from the stories in the magazines, those marriages didn't go too well either.

    So between that, a failure to recognize signals of interest by possible GF material, and coming up in the Clinton years of "every male is a rapist" I became hyperfocused on learning and creating music, which further eroded my interpersonal skills, ha!

    Eventually I did participate in a couple of 'vanilla' relationships (if one can call them that), discovered heartbreak and went on a self-medicating bender before finding my calling (card).

    While all of this was going on, I chanced upon 1 adult diaper that I tried on one night and somebody stole out of my room the next day, I suppose I thought better of trying to pursue it. But all this time goes by with nary a thought about diapers.

    Then I joined Wrongplanet and someone posted about ABDL on one of the forums there. I thought "ooh" but not much else other than the occasional random Google Image scrape and skimming over the W'pedia article. A couple of months later for whatever reason I reinstalled my Torrent client, went straight to TPB and found "The Ultimate ABDL Collection" and whoa boy!

    From there I visited Understanding.infantilism and Googled many things about diapers which led me to here. I've been wearing virtually nonstop since February of this year, I haven't gone a full day without at least a Goodnite or frilly maxi-pad pullup and I don't really want the urges to go away, after they hadn't been there for so long.

    Can anyone else articulate - I've seen that ICkG had a recent surge of AB stuff but I feel like I've really missed the party in a sense that these desires come from seemingly nowhere after so long. Anyone, anyone?

  2. #2


    Yep..... I really understand what you're saying. I've been wearing 24/7 now for two years. Don't plan on stopping. I gone through different things in life but share your same feelings. At least happy wearing now!!

  3. #3


    I can relate, although I've experienced strong urges which I have acted on most of my life.

    I have shied away from intimate relationships more or less completely due to my insecurities. I am coming up on 30 and wondering where the rest of my life is going, but I try to remind myself that I am not too concerned about it as long as I am happy and having a good time. It does hit me in the gut every once in a while though.
    Last edited by Smurf; 04-Sep-2013 at 00:51.

  4. #4


    You may have been late but you haven't missed the party. Even thou I have worn diapers for bed wetting since the age 19, some times the baby part was pushed away for a while. Not long in my case maybe a day or two.

  5. #5


    Existential Blues - YouTube

    Ignore the video listen to the song, that is the "Existential Blues"!

    More on topic and as I'm poor at articulation all I can say the various sometimes seemingly random forces that drive our desires have driven a lot of us here to this forum.

  6. #6


    Thanks all, I'm feeling 10X better knowing it isn't just me.

    @BambinoPants was it on your radar between your early life and now, or did it just ramp up from nowhere like me?

    @Smurf the few RL relationships I've been in I'd never had had if the girl/woman hadn't made the first move. There is a microscopic kernel of truth that girls go after guys with guitars though not as much I'd been led to believe. If you have any sort of ability to entertain that allows you to override your insecurities, exploit that; your prospects will increase

    @kennyr I can relate to you on a level of being a relative newcomer to ADISC as well. I admire and appreciate so much of what you bring to the table, and for being an example of (I mean this in the nicest way) never being 'too old to learn'

  7. #7


    I have posted some of my story on other threads.

    I guess I'll just deal with what ever deck of cards was handed to me. What more can I say?
    Last edited by Honeywell6180; 04-Sep-2013 at 04:03.

  8. #8

  9. #9


    I can sympathise with this, but over a shorter timeframe. We used to have teenagers on the site, and their presence used to make me wonder if I should have tried to understand and indulge my little side earlier in life, as many of them were. I think I'd have been a happier teenager if I had.

    On the other hand I may have dodged all the issues that go with being an little who still lives with parents. It's impossible to know how things might have worked out if the past had been different, so it's not worth worrying over it. I just make the most of my little side now instead.

    After all, you might be a little late to the ABDL party, but surely it's better to be fashionably late than to never arrive at all!

  10. #10


    It's Never Too Late To Start All Over Again - Steppenwolf

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