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Thread: Helping a vanilla hubby become a Daddy

  1. #1

    Default Helping a vanilla hubby become a Daddy

    So, my life has taken a few interesting turns lately. (If you have not followed this little saga, see my latest blog post at http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/ick...continues.html.) And the bottom line is that, for the first time in my life, I have told another person I know about my AB nature.

    And he accepted it. And he is willing to be my Daddy.

    The problem is, as it turns out...

    My husband is not just vanilla. He is the Capital of Vanilla. He is a vanilla sundae made with vanilla ice cream topped with vanilla sauce and vanilla whipped cream, but hold the sauce and cream because that would be too adventurous. (Literally, his favorite ice cream flavor is vanilla.) So you can see that this is WAY outside of his usual comfort zone, which makes it all the more special that he is willing to come into this place with me but very hard to help him to comprehend how to do so.

    I gave him links to things like ADISC's caretaker article (which is really aimed at online relationships, but it's something) and a couple of random pages I found, as well as a couple of blogs made by Daddies. He is looking at them but I think he's overwhelmed. He just does not know what to do or how to go about doing it. And he asks me what I want, and I don't actually know what to tell him.

    First of all, I've never had a relationship with a Daddy before. I never knew I wanted one until I started talking to the member who briefly became my Daddy last week. But I do want one. More than that: I need one. Still, what can I tell him about how I want him to do something I've never done before?

    I told him who I am when I am Little. I told him I need comfort and care and cuddling. I told him I need and love cute and fatherly emails during the day to remind me he's thinking of me and checking up on me. I told him I want to role play both online and IRL, but I don't think he quite understands what that means. Like I tried to do something today from school: there was a party after school that I had forgotten to mention to him so, when I realized it, I sent him a message saying I was a very bad girl for forgetting and hoping he'd let me go but telling him I understood if he wouldn't. But even though we definitely have not had that kind of relationship before, he didn't recognize that as a signal for role play (although I'd definitely have come right home if he had told me to).

    What do I want? I want him to be my Daddy. If he's willing, then.. When we're in role, I want him to talk to me like I'm his baby girl. I want him to treat me that way. I want him to check my diaper and change me if I'm wet. I want him to pick my clothes and dress me. I want him to buy me a plushie and a paci and a blankie but I don't want to have to ask him to. I want him to pat me on my diapered behind. I want him to smile and tell me I'm a good girl when I am and frown and tell me I'm bad when I'm bad. I want him to put me to bed when he thinks it's my bedtime, give me a bottle and tell me a story. I want to play this role completely when we are playing it, and have him play it with me.

    He asks me to tell him what I want. Is it too much to come right out and say that to Mr. Vanilla? Or does anyone have a better idea?

  2. #2

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    Quote Originally Posted by ICkaraokegirl View Post

    What do I want? I want him to be my Daddy. If he's willing, then.. When we're in role, I want him to talk to me like I'm his baby girl. I want him to treat me that way. I want him to check my diaper and change me if I'm wet. I want him to pick my clothes and dress me. I want him to buy me a plushie and a paci and a blankie but I don't want to have to ask him to. I want him to pat me on my diapered behind. I want him to smile and tell me I'm a good girl when I am and frown and tell me I'm bad when I'm bad. I want him to put me to bed when he thinks it's my bedtime, give me a bottle and tell me a story. I want to play this role completely when we are playing it, and have him play it with me.

    He asks me to tell him what I want. Is it too much to come right out and say that to Mr. Vanilla? Or does anyone have a better idea?
    What does HE want?

    Try to understand why I throw in that question on the first line of my reply...
    Your last paragraph basically reads like a I WANT list and there's no "giving" in there... I mean unless your husband actually enjoys any of this, there's not much in it for him, but the aspect that he does it to please you.
    Also as you say, he is way too vanilla... thus making it even more difficult for him to "think outside of that box of vanilla ice cream".

    Well added to this, I do indeed not know your husband and thus the following "advice" needs to be taken as something that I think could work but of course there's not by-the-book method....
    Also consider that I'm not an AB so my perspective is different on these things.

    - TAKE IT SLOW (if one thing, than this is of utmost importance)... From what you write I can see that you would like to dive straight into this... as fast as possible - but if this is indeed uncharted territories for your husband, slow is the best option.

    - ONE THING AT A TIME: goes a bit hand in hand with TAKE IT SLOW... don't try to have all desires fulfilled at one time.

    - BOUNDARIES / LIMITS / PARAMETERS: For example, don't do stuff (like the emails, SMS, etc. FROM WORK)... at first try to keep this AT HOME... A home is usually regarded by many as a safe & private area, thus even if he is uncomfortable with the idea in general, chances are he will be more at ease at home... if you bring in stuff like what you did from WORK you expect him to be "on daddy duty" 24/7 out of nowhere, whilst it seems like a small thing (the text message) it can be far too much for him in that situation.
    Same goes with basically defining "safe words" for both parties - basically a "secret" option for you to ask him to be "daddy" and a secret option for him (secret to outsiders) to say "no I'm not comfy at the moment with this".
    That will go a long way, as basically it gives both the option to "say yes/no" in an easy fashion... and it's important to ALWAYS respect this... never try to PUSH this on him at times when he does not feel like it.
    Combined with "only at home" (at least for the beginning) that should create safe parameters for the role playing.

    - Try to be your NON AB Person OFTEN ENOGUH with him... I kind of feel, that you want to go much further than you used to... that isn't bad or anything... but if tomorrow my SO would ask me to turn our little BDSM side-gig into a daily 24/7 thing I'd probably have a VERY HARD TIME going along (and that is something, BDSM, that I am "into" myself... and yet I wouldn't want it outside of certain moments).
    Bring in something you are not "comfortable" with in general - then it can be more than just overwhelming.
    I think its amazing and a true sign of love that your husband is willing to TRY and GO ALONG... but it still is overwhelming to him, still is something that he will not be comfortable with - at least for some time,...

  3. #3

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    I'm glad you used my article or I'd have recommended it I know it's geared to online relationships but a lot of the questions you need to think about anyway as a couple.

    I'd suggest for an IRL relationship just like online your first move is something simple. Not too long ago I had a chance to experiment with someone, and it started with me or them just wearing a onesie, and for the duration of wearing a onesie that person wasn't allowed to do certain grown up things like go in the kitchen, we didn't make any bathroom restrictions and it as all over by taking them off, but me and her found out that as a pair the little stuff doesn't work, she didn't want me to get any more regressed and she wasn't capable of it, as a result we stopped doing any AB stuff and eventually we broke up. I'm not saying that will happen but there's no point in taking the dive for diapers and bath-time and feeding until you can regress comfortably in each-other's company if only a little, set your self an age and some rules, say 5, and banned from the kitchen needs help going potty and see how comfortable you both feel, say you want more but this is the starting point you can build up to the rest.

    Hopefully you'll find Mr Vanilla is pushing you to be littler after a while but until then make sure he knows how loved you feel that he's participating and take it slowly

  4. #4

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    While hes learning you must do special things for him too its a two way street.
    So send fun notes in his lunch your woman side . But try to make it fun for him too.
    Its kinda playing house . But he need fun big girl stuff at that point you both can find balance.
    The trick is brake him in slowly ok it will take a while for him to see if he likes it.
    Going to fast could turn him off . Work into it good luck hugs.

  5. #5

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    Welll, if you truly want him to know what you want but you have a hard time telling him that, just have him read your post in this thread.
    It seems to explain exacly what you want and expect him to do.

  6. #6

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    I think I'd first try to clarify whether this AB thing is simply something you want him to do for you, the way fetishes are, or whether it's more emotional: a dimension for your relationship to grow in. (More so than "growing fetish-friendly" would be.)

    Be mindful of that distinction. Now is a wonderful time to narrow down what you're actually looking for; often when relationships are heavy on the roleplay they end up lighter in sincerity, because it becomes more about form than content.

    You're probably feeling these needs extra strongly right now. Like a vitamin deficiency, you have an emotional deficiency from a lifetime of accidental neglect, and you instinctively want to make up for lost time. That's normal ... but because of what it can do to your relationships, "overindulgence" can do more harm than good.

    In a previous relationship I had, when my dominant gave lots of instructions and orders, it was nice in a "Yay kink is fun, Boss Mode all the time" way. But it was even better when it was personal, and in context ... natural. If I was awake in the middle of the night, he might come to check on me, talk for a while... and then pointedly send me to bed. It didn't have to be overt to have meaning for me -- or to make me feel all warm and fuzzy and loved.

    Also, keep in mind that there's a distinction between "My needs" and "You meeting my needs." Even the perfect daddy wouldn't magically turn you into a well-adjusted, contented Little. You've been missing being cared for, but you've also been missing being little enough to be cared for, and it will take some time to grow into. So if you feel a lack, try not to immediately ascribe it to "he should be doing X".

    I would put it like this: Every single thing that you listed is a valid way for your Little needs to be met. But, that may not be the same as "What I need each day". There's nothing WRONG with any of it, but handing it to your husband like a to-do list ...not only would be overwhelming, but it may miss the point -- & misdirect his attention -- entirely. What you've written here is the "how" -- you need to know (& communicate) the what, the why.

    If this is NOT an on/off fetish for you but actually a *relationship need,* be certain you frame it that way to him. Don't say "I need you to DO this and this and this." Try to clarify for yourself what you need emotionally, and THEN sit him down to talk. Explain to him what you want to feel in your relationship with him (all the time, or when this is "on" and you're playing roles, or whatever). Then, turn it around and ask or suggest how HE might feel, engaging in that kind of closeness -- no matter what actual activity it is, what would HE feel from nurturing this side of you?

    When you start looking at it that way, doing the things EP01 said might make EMOTIONAL sense along with rational sense. To take it slow, have sensible limits to keep it from overwhelming your life together, & continue to show him that you're still yourself, the person he married.

    I know that for my partner, he wants me. He wants our relationship. He isn't necessarily into the stuff that I'm into -- but if one of my kinks accomplishes something in our relationship that he wants, and he UNDERSTANDS that, then he's much more likely to engage in it with me. (That's what happened with BDSM -- he pushed his limits because he wanted our sex life to stop sucking. He didn't know he actually enjoyed it until he got more comfortable.)

    Find ways to care for yourself & express your little side on your own, too, so you aren't putting all the weight of your needs onto your husband. It will help take the pressure off of him and let you both relax

    On another note, from your blog post ... Make sure he isn't jumping into this as a reaction to hearing about your other brief daddy. A base of jealousy & insecurity won't grow this for you; it needs a foundation of love, and true willingness/openness.

    Best of luck dear

  7. #7

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    Thank you all for the great advice you've given me so far. I will definitely be putting it to good use as I pursue this new phase of my marriage.

    I do know that I want to rush from zero to a hundred here. I can be a very impatient little girl; I always have been. But I also know and have known that your advice to take it slow is completely correct, which is why it has been so hard for me to articulate to him just what I want and what he should do as my daddy, as he has asked me to.

    Yes, I could simply show him that post, but I don't think it's that easy. I don't need to be little all the time, and that would not be fair to him. And the post does represent a kind off shopping list of my perfect regression fantasy in real life. It would be lovely, but it isn't The Thing.

    Not without a subtler understanding, a more nuanced read of how all of this works, anyway.

    And I need always to keep his feelings in mind, which is not easy, since he doesn't usually tell me what he's thinking our feeling. Mr Vanilla holds things close to the vest. All he SAYS about this is that he wants to make me happy but he doesn't understand how to do it.

    I am hoping that we can find some time over the long weekend to figure something out, to make a beginning at least. I know I need to go slowly, but I do need to GO. (No diaper pun intended.)

    And, yes, I am trying to ponder the nature of my own needs as well. Thanks, FaennaJo for that but of insight. How did you get so smart?


  8. #8

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    For someone who has no personal feel for or involvement in the subject matter, its a lot like acting. Maybe it would help if you wrote scripts for the first couple sessions and treat it as a stageplay or a TV series. That would make it easier for him by letting him treat it as a well-defined task and keeping his mind from getting distracted by the weirdness of it.

    Side benefit, you get some writing practice. Possible side benefit for us, maybe we'll get some new stuff in the story forum.

    I know you really want him to ad lib, but that's not likely to happen out of the box. Maybe after Season 1 he'll have enough of a feel for the story line and your fantasies that he can start doing that.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Maxx View Post

    I know you really want him to ad lib, but that's not likely to happen out of the box. Maybe after Season 1 he'll have enough of a feel for the story line and your fantasies that he can start doing that.
    "Season one." Tee hee.

  10. #10

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    I too am married and my wife was somewhat vanilla entering this type of play but not as vanilla as your husband seems to be. You must remember he married a women and a wife, not a baby girl, so you are going to have to still be that for him and it would be a little selfish to think otherwise. Trust me, I wanted to be a baby all the time, but it's just not fair to her because she married a man and not a baby. So I had to give her the man she wanted to get to be the baby I wanted from time to time. For awhile at the beginning, I wrote out all the things I liked and even wrote out scenarios for when we'd have baby time, she would read them before hand and always followed them to the letter. so give that a shot, just write down what you want, and he has that to go by kinda like a script. After several years now, my wife knows exactly what I want and how to treat me when i'm a baby by "free styling" it because of all the practice. Practice makes perfect. Hopefully something I've said here might help you!

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