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Thread: The overlap between codependency, power kink, and littleness.

  1. #1

    Default The overlap between codependency, power kink, and littleness.

    Where do you think the line is between an unhealthy, codependent relationship, and a healthy power-exchange (i.e. Dominant/submissive or Daddy/little) relationship?

    How do you know when things have gone "too far" into dependency? What does that mean?

    Does the dividing line move, when needs that "should" be healthy are impossible to meet due to life/circumstances?

    Do you think it changes depending on how sexual or non-sexual the connection is?

    What's the difference between a painful relationship and an unhealthy one?

    Or to put it simply, how much "need" for your partner is healthy?

    I'm interested in everyone's experiences and thoughts on the subject.

  2. #2


    As I see the questions asked I believe that answer is as variable/numerous as the number of divorce and domestic violence case on file.

    q1) That is the problem with any "line" when it is crossed. To me it is not as much of what is the meaning, but who should interpret the meaning?

    q2) In a "healthy" relationship there will be flux. IMO the answer is boundaries and ongoing communication.

    q3) Yes, No, an Maybe. More importantly it should be based on COMMUNICATION.

    q4) There should never be pain in a relationship that has COMMUNICATION.

    q5) A relationship should be based on communication with mutual respect and desire to serve one another, with no consideration of conditions, but understanding of the other person.

    I hope this answers your questions. If you would like clarification please PM.

  3. #3


    Thanks for your answers, Egor

    I really posted this thread looking for some perspective on the subject in general.

    I have an awfully tangly and painful situation in my life, which is, depending on how you look at it, either the absence of a beloved, extremely compatible caretaker partner; OR, my addictive fixation on someone who isn't here, due to not having had a codependent "fix" in a while.

    I would LOVE to have communication!!! lol. I do love to turn any issue over to "share & discuss, figure out what works for us both" but ... When there is no way to communicate, and so, even no "us" presently ... You see the difficulty. We're long-distance and currently not able to be in contact, and it's hard for me to reconcile maintaining a relationship with zero relating.

    However ... Having talked it over some with a friend, I think I've decided my situation is mostly in the "genuine missing of an important person" category. (Probably. Pretty sure...)

    I'd still love to hear anyone's thoughts on the topic, though. (not necessarily on my situation, I don't really want comments on that right now.) Just what is the mindset you use to judge things for yourself? how do you figure it out? etc

    Thanks (and thanks lurkers, for reading even if you don't have anything to say!)

  4. #4


    Codependency can be summed up as: The tendency to find purpose or worth about oneself through the feedback or give-take tendencies of another. The codependent individual here would seek the false idea of affirmation through the feedback of the other. This feedback may be positive or negative but codependency is blind to the difference between the two. Often times individuals seeking control pick up on this trait and exploit it. Relationships with one person being codependent many times lead to abusive relationships. Both parties can feed off of each other negatively without even knowing it or being able to stop the cycle without a complete breakdown.

    The psychology here is often tricky. The codependent personality is often addictive and focused on a single or just a couple redeeming values that they seek for justifying feeling bad or worthless. The cylce continues in a catch-twenty-two fashion. Often times they believe that "Today was a bad day. Tomorrow will be better" or "They are just not getting it right now. I can fix it." The subject of codependency is vast and covers many areas of enabling and perceptions of self-worth. The sad product of such relationships (in extreme cases) lead to the loss of self-identity.

    Codependency is not to be confused with dependency. They are entirely different. A quick google search on definition will give a better understanding.

    Sex or fullfillment of fantasies are not always the ingredient in codependency. Some other examples can include seeking affirmation in behaviors deemed dangerous or destructive or trying to fullfill gaps in behavioral or social development.

    As to your question about "how much [need] for your partner is healthy?" I could perhaps state that if the need outweighs your own happiness or goals then it could be interpreted as unhealthy.

    Successful relationships are built on many ingredients. They all use different ones and vary considerably. It is easier to build around positive connection and virtues than to run oneself ragged chasing the cure for gaps in self-worth or emptiness. It is tricky to distinguish the difference and usually involves being able to self-assess.

    I would be willing to provide examples to any area that you might feel was left with a vague response.

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