Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 17

Thread: I went back to being a Baby at 14

  1. #1

    Default I went back to being a Baby at 14

    This a lone would make one think that it was the beginning of a fetish. But this was not the case for me.

    There were a lot of things that were going on in my life at that time.

    About this time I had just been molested for the second time.

    I was being called lazy and getting spankings for wetting to bed. Some of these with a belt.

    I was working after school washing dishes. I had no time to be a kid of 14. That and age thing I was never the age mentally that I was in age. I was always 2 to 3 years behind my real age.

    Now adding all this together I reached a point to where I need to find a way to make everything go away. I did one night.

    Not sure what the braking point was but one night I went to bed and mentally went back to being a baby of about 1 and 1/2 to 2. I felt safe there. No one was going to do bad things to me there. No one would hurt me there.

    I went back to sucking my thumb , I was also wearing a make shift diaper to hide my bed wetting. Now I'm not sure if this was some kind of breakdown or just my way of trying to protect myself. I have been like this ever since. I retreat to being a baby every night.

    But this baby part of me has grown stronger over the years. I think was because of a lot of stress I went through.

    So just were do I fit into the Adult Baby world. This has never been role play for me but a very real thing. I'm an Adult who is also a Baby.

    I know there are others out there who are like me. Trauma can do things to our lives that we can not change.

  2. #2

    Default

    I agree, kenny. Trauma most definitely can. For some people, it causes personality splits--what used to be referred to as Multiple Personality Syndrome (MPS) and is now called Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). I'm not sure whether the propensity for that runs in families or not, but I had a mild case of it due to my gender dysphoria and repeated beatings, and my son has a major case of it from a combination of gender dysphoria and sexual assault. In my case, the split (which I only recognized as such after the fact, when the "male" personality let go all at once and I saw him as the protective device he had been, a way for me to survive in a world in which I simply did not fit) resolved itself so suddenly and completely that I was thrown into shock: I needed time to cope with a significant revision of everything I had ever understood about myself. Not that I was coming into new thoughts or anything--the memories were the same--but it was as if I were seeing them with blinders off. Questions I had never had answers to (how was it that I never killed myself in high school, being forced to be a male in that horrific environment) suddenly were clear to me even as they became instantaneously clouded forever: I knew that he had done this for me, but with him gone, I could no longer even believe I had done such things, nor for the life of me comprehend how I could have done so.

    (I just re-read that. It makes sense to me, but at this point I'm just hoping it makes sense to someone else.)

    Anyway, my alter left me because when I once again consciously understood that all of the suffering I had gone through for over a decade was due to the denial and burial of my GID, I no longer needed him. I was on the inexorable road to self-help, to finding my own salvation.

    My son, OTOH, has not been quite so lucky, but his DID was and is far more complicated, having been spawned by a sexual assault during a time when he was attempting to figure out his own sexuality. At last count, his alters numbered in the thirties. He does not believe that he will ever be able to be whole again, and he's not even certain that he wants to. But at least he is now the one in control most of the time, which was not the case for several years.

    Trauma does truly impressive things to the mind because the mind is capable of things we only have vague notions about. We know about things like autistic savants, but we have no idea how they are the way they are. Yet it stands to reason that, if a person who lacks normal access to other brain functions has somehow opened a doorway in there that allows him to, say, instantly count all of the toothpicks on the floor--let's take a cheesy example--or remember anything from any day, then that ability is probably within us all. We just have no clue how to find it.

    Your brain found a pathway that would help you to deal with horrible things that were happening to you. You needed safety and comfort because you did not have any, and something within you associated safety and comfort with babyhood. Thus... Well, anyway, that's what the amateur shrink in me would say. I don't know if it really went down that way. But I do know that each of us has found our way here because of some internal need, and whatever that might happen to be we should probably not question it too much. Our brains, which we are utterly incapable of understanding, know best.

  3. #3

    Default

    Hey kenny this was very well put and i thank you for sharing. I don't think its a breakdown at all. Its a safe zone a place where time stops and you can just let go. I do think its a form of protecting your self and in return giving you a sense of comfort and security. Super hugs your friend Leo.

  4. #4

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by ICkaraokegirl View Post
    I agree, kenny. Trauma most definitely can. For some people, it causes personality splits--what used to be referred to as Multiple Personality Syndrome (MPS) and is now called Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). I'm not sure whether the propensity for that runs in families or not, but I had a mild case of it due to my gender dysphoria and repeated beatings, and my son has a major case of it from a combination of gender dysphoria and sexual assault. In my case, the split (which I only recognized as such after the fact, when the "male" personality let go all at once and I saw him as the protective device he had been, a way for me to survive in a world in which I simply did not fit) resolved itself so suddenly and completely that I was thrown into shock: I needed time to cope with a significant revision of everything I had ever understood about myself. Not that I was coming into new thoughts or anything--the memories were the same--but it was as if I were seeing them with blinders off. Questions I had never had answers to (how was it that I never killed myself in high school, being forced to be a male in that horrific environment) suddenly were clear to me even as they became instantaneously clouded forever: I knew that he had done this for me, but with him gone, I could no longer even believe I had done such things, nor for the life of me comprehend how I could have done so.

    (I just re-read that. It makes sense to me, but at this point I'm just hoping it makes sense to someone else.)

    Anyway, my alter left me because when I once again consciously understood that all of the suffering I had gone through for over a decade was due to the denial and burial of my GID, I no longer needed him. I was on the inexorable road to self-help, to finding my own salvation.

    My son, OTOH, has not been quite so lucky, but his DID was and is far more complicated, having been spawned by a sexual assault during a time when he was attempting to figure out his own sexuality. At last count, his alters numbered in the thirties. He does not believe that he will ever be able to be whole again, and he's not even certain that he wants to. But at least he is now the one in control most of the time, which was not the case for several years.

    Trauma does truly impressive things to the mind because the mind is capable of things we only have vague notions about. We know about things like autistic savants, but we have no idea how they are the way they are. Yet it stands to reason that, if a person who lacks normal access to other brain functions has somehow opened a doorway in there that allows him to, say, instantly count all of the toothpicks on the floor--let's take a cheesy example--or remember anything from any day, then that ability is probably within us all. We just have no clue how to find it.

    Your brain found a pathway that would help you to deal with horrible things that were happening to you. You needed safety and comfort because you did not have any, and something within you associated safety and comfort with babyhood. Thus... Well, anyway, that's what the amateur shrink in me would say. I don't know if it really went down that way. But I do know that each of us has found our way here because of some internal need, and whatever that might happen to be we should probably not question it too much. Our brains, which we are utterly incapable of understanding, know best.
    I think you explained pretty well. Trying to figure out my sexual ID i gave up on years ago. That may be another side of me I have locked up in a trunk some where. I do know that I am not l am not like most males but that doesn't bother me.
    the therapist I seen said that what ever I was going through being both adult and baby was not hurting me but was helping me. It was not knowing what was really going on was what got to me at times. Just why was I still becoming a baby a night.n It is like you said there are two of me.

    Each of us have made our own way here and each of us has a different story to tell of how we got here.

  5. #5

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by kennyrallen View Post
    This a lone would make one think that it was the beginning of a fetish. But this was not the case for me.

    There were a lot of things that were going on in my life at that time.

    About this time I had just been molested for the second time.

    I was being called lazy and getting spankings for wetting to bed. Some of these with a belt.

    I was working after school washing dishes. I had no time to be a kid of 14. That and age thing I was never the age mentally that I was in age. I was always 2 to 3 years behind my real age.

    Now adding all this together I reached a point to where I need to find a way to make everything go away. I did one night.

    Not sure what the braking point was but one night I went to bed and mentally went back to being a baby of about 1 and 1/2 to 2. I felt safe there. No one was going to do bad things to me there. No one would hurt me there.

    I went back to sucking my thumb , I was also wearing a make shift diaper to hide my bed wetting. Now I'm not sure if this was some kind of breakdown or just my way of trying to protect myself. I have been like this ever since. I retreat to being a baby every night.

    But this baby part of me has grown stronger over the years. I think was because of a lot of stress I went through.

    So just were do I fit into the Adult Baby world. This has never been role play for me but a very real thing. I'm an Adult who is also a Baby.

    I know there are others out there who are like me. Trauma can do things to our lives that we can not change.
    Thanks for bringing me back down to earth, i can feel the tears trying to appear as this is me a couple of years sooner, just as you said "You felt comfortable" like everything was non existent and all of the worries were for someone else.

    I was abandoned by my mother and other siblings forgiving them is difficult but they still blame me for it all.

    To read all this is bringing back some much unwanted but necessary memories and helping me to understand my PTSD.

    I am so happy to be here, there are so many traumatized people out here and i appreciate the fact that so many have the strength to share these memories with others.

    Thanks Kenny

  6. #6

    Default

    It saddens and distresses me that so many of our members have had such violent and traumatic experiences during their childhood. I always had a safe and loving home to return to, but because of my personality, I had to be out and with other kids. For what ever reason, I was unmercifully bullied and beaten up, sometimes every day. I would tell my parents, but they told me to fight back. That advise would have bad consequences when I became older, stronger, and then dangerous to some others. Bullying begets bullying.

    I always felt that there were several of me. One was the kid who his parents saw. The other was the tougher, foul mouthed kid at school. But then there was the kid who went up to his bedroom and slid the razor blade across his wrist, or set his arm on fire with lighter fluid. As I said to a member I greatly care about, "We wear the Masks", a quote from Paul Lawrence Dunbar. Sometimes we wear them without even realizing it.

  7. #7

    Default

    Hi Kenny. It sounds like your childhood was less than ideal. I'm sorry to hear that. I can understand the need to regress and there is nothing wrong with it.

    My home life was fortunately a safe haven for me. Maybe too safe, but that is another story for another thread. But outside of the home, I was in another world. I world that I felt lost in. I built an ever increasing shell around myself. Probably why I can relate to Pink Floyd's The Wall, as it is about crawling inside a shell.

    I lost my innocence at 11. I've never called it abuse but maybe it was. I still am confused about it, even now that I am in my fifties. I was emotionally inmature and should have never been exposed to "the facts" at that age. Another reason for the issues that I continue to work thru in my life. I wrote about the other reasons in a recent blog.

    It's very important that we not bury it inside ourselves. We need to work thru it with the help of others. Counseling helped me to see what I have to do to continue the recovery from the negative things that happened in childhood and adolescence.

  8. #8

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by kennyrallen View Post

    I was working after school washing dishes. I had no time to be a kid of 14. That and age thing I was never the age mentally that I was in age. I was always 2 to 3 years behind my real age.
    Crazy that you should say that, for a long time i felt exactly the same, like i was 2 to 3 years younger than everyone at least mentally speaking. I don't know if it is so anymore though, i guess I just haven't really contemplated that notion for a while, which is also why i was surprised to hear that thought again.

  9. #9

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Fraidy View Post
    Thanks for bringing me back down to earth, i can feel the tears trying to appear as this is me a couple of years sooner, just as you said "You felt comfortable" like everything was non existent and all of the worries were for someone else.

    I was abandoned by my mother and other siblings forgiving them is difficult but they still blame me for it all.

    To read all this is bringing back some much unwanted but necessary memories and helping me to understand my PTSD.

    I am so happy to be here, there are so many traumatized people out here and i appreciate the fact that so many have the strength to share these memories with others.

    Thanks Kenny
    Think a lot of us found our way here to seek out others like us. Sharing is a way of healing for some of us we can finally Let go of things that that have haunted us for years. It is form of healing. letting go of those bad things.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by 11hinzvic View Post
    Hi Kenny. It sounds like your childhood was less than ideal. I'm sorry to hear that. I can understand the need to regress and there is nothing wrong with it.

    My home life was fortunately a safe haven for me. Maybe too safe, but that is another story for another thread. But outside of the home, I was in another world. I world that I felt lost in. I built an ever increasing shell around myself. Probably why I can relate to Pink Floyd's The Wall, as it is about crawling inside a shell.

    I lost my innocence at 11. I've never called it abuse but maybe it was. I still am confused about it, even now that I am in my fifties. I was emotionally inmature and should have never been exposed to "the facts" at that age. Another reason for the issues that I continue to work thru in my life. I wrote about the other reasons in a recent blog.

    It's very important that we not bury it inside ourselves. We need to work thru it with the help of others. Counseling helped me to see what I have to do to continue the recovery from the negative things that happened in childhood and adolescence.
    When these things happen to us we didn't know that we were being used for something that was bad. It was after the second time that it happened to me that I felt guilty. I blamed myself for it happening. It was never my fault.

  10. #10

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    It saddens and distresses me that so many of our members have had such violent and traumatic experiences during their childhood. I always had a safe and loving home to return to, but because of my personality, I had to be out and with other kids. For what ever reason, I was unmercifully bullied and beaten up, sometimes every day. I would tell my parents, but they told me to fight back. That advise would have bad consequences when I became older, stronger, and then dangerous to some others. Bullying begets bullying.

    I always felt that there were several of me. One was the kid who his parents saw. The other was the tougher, foul mouthed kid at school. But then there was the kid who went up to his bedroom and slid the razor blade across his wrist, or set his arm on fire with lighter fluid. As I said to a member I greatly care about, "We wear the Masks", a quote from Paul Lawrence Dunbar. Sometimes we wear them without even realizing it.
    MOst of us do have different side to us. Say like our work side we show that side when we are at work. But for some of us things happen that we for some reason became like two other people.

    It took me a long time to understand just what happened to me. At times it scared me to be the way I am. I thought there was something really really wrong with me being this way. An adult is not suppose to be a baby to. I was wrong about that.

    I have learned that my baby side is the strongest of my two sides. It is the side that has protected me.

    I think a lot of here found our way here because we felt out of place on the other adult baby sites. I know I have a few debates on other sites over me being both an adult and a baby. Most would tell me that all AB's is nothing more than role play.

Similar Threads

  1. Baby khrissi has come back from the vanilla
    By khrissi in forum Greetings / Introductions
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 29-Apr-2013, 18:03
  2. 90's are back baby!
    By Jewbacca in forum Off-topic
    Replies: 24
    Last Post: 15-Mar-2011, 05:18
  3. Boom, I'm back baby!
    By Triforceformer in forum Greetings / Introductions
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 03-Aug-2010, 06:53
  4. I'm back, baby!
    By Verscha in forum Greetings / Introductions
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 13-Oct-2008, 19:56

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
ADISC.org - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community.
ADISC.org is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.