Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 25

Thread: about the idea of suicide

  1. #1

    Default about the idea of suicide

    I posted this as a response to a week-old, pretty much resolved thread and also as a blog. But in all honesty I want as many people to see it as possible, so I am posting it again as its own thread. I'm not proud of my emotional meltdowns in the past, but I think it is important that those who are on the edge understand that many of us--even those who are very stable now--have been there. And that, having managed to get past it, we cannot thank the universe enough for getting us through.

    I think a lot of people, even those you'd never imagine are "dark" enough to get there, are close to the edge of suicidal thoughts. I'd been close on three separate occasions and may have done it once had I not been fortuitously interrupted in a garage full of CO1 by a cell phone call that, for some reason, I actually answered. It turned out to be a woman from a church group I was supposed to be at who, knowing I was having troubles, was calling to see if I was OK. She never knew I was in the middle of a suicide attempt--and I didn't tell her about it until years later, when she too needed a huge pick-me-up--but she saved me that night by showing me that someone actually cared and would miss me if I were not there. I would certainly have succeeded otherwise; no one would have even looked until at least sometime the next day when I didn't show for work. And if I had...

    I'd have missed watching my children grow up and begin to discover themselves.
    I'd have missed seeing my oldest child, lost and troubled, wander in and out of darkness until he knew he was transgender and began taking hormones and finally was happy.
    I'd have missed falling in love again and getting remarried.
    I'd have missed seeing the country elect its first black President.
    I'd have missed traveling to Alaska with my mother, one of the most joyful memories of my entire life.
    I'd have missed traveling to Europe this summer with my two college-aged daughters, a memory that may someday supplant even that last one.
    I'd have missed Firefly, and that would have been terrible.
    I'd have missed so many friendships, so many conversations, so many people.
    I'd have missed the impact I've been able to have on thousands of students over so many years.
    I'd have missed moments like the one I'm having right now: sitting on my deck on a perfect August day with a cup of coffee and a laptop, enjoying the waning days of summer vacation.

    I'd have missed so much life and so much everything.

    It would have continued without me, as it always does when living creatures and things die. But I would not have been here to be a part of it. When I think about that, I give thanks to whatever power exists in the universe for that phone call that night from a church friend I hardly really even knew or know. I was unwilling or unable to save myself, but without even recognizing that she was doing so she reached out and did it for me. She did me a favor I can never, ever pay back. I don't owe her one.

    I owe her ​all.

  2. #2

    Default

    I know what its like to suffer with depression. I have been suffering with it on and off for about the last 2 years. It makes me no want to anything but feel sorry for myself and just mope around. it takes away my apetite which makes me moody which makes even more depressed. for me its a vicious cycle

    when one on a depression downer the only way in my opinion it can get better again is to break said cycle above.

  3. #3

    Default

    Some times our problems over whelm us. For those that been there we feel as thou life would be better without us here. I don't thjink it is the lack of knowing how to do with our problems, I think that some of let things build up till we can not deal with any more.

    finding some one to talk to is very important, It doesn't even have to be a therapist a good friend will do just as well and in many cases better.

    I myself have spent time in the mental ward because I was overwhelmed and no o talk to. That is never a place any one wants to be. It takes courage to seek out help. That only shows how strong of a person you really are. Even just talking to people on line can relieve some of the stress.

    When any one is in need of help do not be afraid to seek it.

  4. #4

    Default

    im sorry to hear that kennyrallen. as someone who has also been to the hospital because of my depression issues. one thing that nnoys me is the stick we get. like such people calling us physchos and cray llonies that need locing up. that kind of reaction really angers me you know.

    what right to they have to single us out just because we don't have a physical injury which is easy to understand,

    whereas god forbid its a mental injurie. if you get one of thos you ust be locked up coz your crazy. this is not true, this is stereotypical. one loopy=all people with mental problems must also be loony.

    whata sound conclusion that is.

  5. #5

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by tennismad View Post
    im sorry to hear that kennyrallen. as someone who has also been to the hospital because of my depression issues. one thing that nnoys me is the stick we get. like such people calling us physchos and cray llonies that need locing up. that kind of reaction really angers me you know.

    what right to they have to single us out just because we don't have a physical injury which is easy to understand,

    whereas god forbid its a mental injurie. if you get one of thos you ust be locked up coz your crazy. this is not true, this is stereotypical. one loopy=all people with mental problems must also be loony.

    whata sound conclusion that is.
    The stereotyping is the worst. We who seek help know our breaking points. With Bi-Polar and clinical It is something that most people don't understand. But letting things pile up is never any good for anyone.

  6. #6

    Default

    its normal for us as a people to critisise and try to push way that which we don't understand kennyrallen. its one of the flaws of the human race i'm afraid.

    wed rather try to shove something away and get rid of it, rather than try to understand it nd then by common logic realise its not actually how people perceive it.

    makes sence right ?

  7. #7

    Default

    here's to you, tennismad;
    and to all the other of my Friend's long past, present, and i pray, future....
    as they say, this Buds for you!

    i have been sitting on this rather personal blog post for much too long not ever having felt that it was suitable material to post in the open forum. but over the time that i have been on ADISC, i have witnessed far too many of my fellow friends suffer and fall by the wayside to depression and the requisite feeling/actions that follow in it's wake....

    i wrote the following in my blog over a year ago as a way to calm, and speak to my needs over this subject; the real loss of some of my friends in the transgender community over the years. as well as what i was seeing happen here when i first came. maybe i should have given this openly to ADISC long ago.... i honestly thought it might be too much; too emotional... i don't anymore. so here it is....

    thank you to gottibear, tiny and Marka, for the encouragement to bring this public...

    **********************************
    Surviving the Fools.....

    there are subjects that come up in open forums that open my whole life up and pour it out before me on the table like a puddle; in which i witness multiple side by side scenes of unspeakable anguish. living scenes of my history, many with pain so raw i dare not touch. absolutely real in every way even so far as to know that if i were again to find myself put back into the same situation; i would be reliving the whole thing over again.

    doctors want you to say that these feelings don't come anymore. family say they just want everything to be normal again like it once was. friends want to look at you and see you smile. no one wants to know what is buried in your mind. not the ones who put it there. not the ones who know the ones who put it there. no one wants to see the world you see. you don't even want to see that world. at times you have tried to burn it out. then you tried to cut it out. you have let the doctors try to chemically castrate it, but it always comes back.

    if you survive the fools who want to cure you. the family who just want you back to normal. the friends who hope in the end it's not them who are called to help. if you survive the many times that you never told anyone how absolutely hopeless you had become.... because everything people did was centered around "forcing you" and "pushing you" and "telling you". and no one was simply just "sitting with you" or "crying with you".....

    if by some accident you survived all the well interned help that came your way long enough to grow in years and wisdom. to look honestly at your life and discard that which does not brighten your day to day outlook and help you make it from one year to the next. if you find some point in life that you can rest, and things seem to balance where depression and suicide stay in the shadows of your mind. and though it's never quite a really sunny day, it doesn't rain much either.

    you have found something that makes life worthwhile. maybe giving everything you are to a cause. maybe even someone with the guts to walk by your side at both the best and the worst of times. someone who can handle "it"..... someone who can handle you.... someone who won't abandon you to the system. such a person found me, and that keeps the light shining.....

    suicide isn't some sort of ugly disease. you can't put it in a hospital and cure it. you can't hide it from your family and friends. it's you, and you can ether be a victim, or you can change your mental and physical environment and try to survive. and maybe "victim" isn't even the right word...... giving in to suicide, i never felt like a victim. i felt peace....

    please don't get me wrong, surviving is not a cure. it is only surviving. suicide may over come you one day anyway. but for me, that day is not this day.

    i do not pity the victims. they are beyond the misery only they could know.
    i do not pity the people they left behind. they are protected from that misery by ignorance, indifference, or both.
    however i do pity my silent suffering sisters and brothers who may never find understanding. who may never understand them selves. who may not survive. who may have no choice but to survive.

    i raise my voice not for me, because i am safe. but for everyone who does not dare to raise their voice. not now, not yet, maybe not ever.
    please don't fail to hear the suffering of the children.........

  8. #8

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by littlelodgewrecker View Post
    here's to you, tennismad;
    and to all the other of my Friend's long past, present, and i pray, future....
    as they say, this Buds for you!

    i have been sitting on this rather personal blog post for much too long not ever having felt that it was suitable material to post in the open forum. but over the time that i have been on ADISC, i have witnessed far too many of my fellow friends suffer and fall by the wayside to depression and the requisite feeling/actions that follow in it's wake....

    i wrote the following in my blog over a year ago as a way to calm, and speak to my needs over this subject; the real loss of some of my friends in the transgender community over the years. as well as what i was seeing happen here when i first came. maybe i should have given this openly to ADISC long ago.... i honestly thought it might be too much; too emotional... i don't anymore. so here it is....

    thank you to gottibear, tiny and Marka, for the encouragement to bring this public...

    **********************************
    <<SNIP>>

    i raise my voice not for me, because i am safe. but for everyone who does not dare to raise their voice. not now, not yet, maybe not ever.
    please don't fail to hear the suffering of the children.........
    Thank you for sharing this.

    Thank you for feeling that this is the time to do so. It was hard; I know. But it was important.

    Too many people suffer in silence, and too many loved ones never know until it is too late. Even in the brief time I have been a member here I have seen several threads in which the idea of suicide has been broached and in which the darkness that leads one into such states of depression has been openly on display. I have seen others with possible warning signs as well: those whose posts spiral out of control over a week or more, becoming less and less lucid as they become more and more self-effacing. And I am reminded of the three boys who killed themselves at my school district one year. Or of the many, many young people who take their own lives due to cyberbullying or issues pertaining to their being GLBT before they can find their way through the misunderstood morass that is adolescence.

    We are misunderstood as well. And those of us whose brain chemistries are screwed up enough to allow the thought of suicide to grow can find a ready loam in which it can develop and eventually blossom. Mine had nothing to do with this; maybe yours didn't either. But whatever the causes, you are absolutely correct: it never really goes away, that dark seed. It is always there, lurking, in the back of the garden, waiting for the right conditions to grow and strangle all of the other flowers. I know it sometimes when, on darker days like today, I'm feeling down for no reason. My mind refuses to go there, but it always knows where "there" is. I suppose it always will.

    For everyone who might read your words, or mine, please know that the takeaway is simple:

    Life is a gift, and it contains many, many joys. But for many people the difference between joy and disaster is the difference between light and dark when you flip a switch. It's that easy. We need to work to remind ourselves of the joys so that the darkness doesn't find us again. And the thing about darkness is that no one can see you when you are in it, so no one knows you are suffering but you...and at those times you are the very last person on earth you can count on for salvation.

    I've become very good at working with people who are on the edge from helping my own children. My prayer is that the meds I am on will be enough to keep me in enough light to help me through any cloudy days to come. And I hope also that we all will become or continue to be sensitive to each other's emotional needs. A support group is only as good as the support it provides.

  9. #9

    Default

    Kennyrallen and tennismad,

    Although I have not been hospitalized myself, my son has. He spent two weeks in the psych ward when he was sixteen. It was the single hardest thing I ever had to do. I think I cried for five hours straight after leaving that night, and I truly am not certain that I've ever really recovered from it, though he has. I feel for the pain you have gone through and the pain you continue to go through. I feel for the pain we all continue to go through and pray that we find ways to get through it.

  10. #10

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by littlelodgewrecker View Post
    "..."..."

    thank you to gottibear, tiny and Marka, for the encouragement to bring this public...

    **********************************
    "..."..."
    i do not pity the victims. they are beyond the misery only they could know.
    i do not pity the people they left behind. they are protected from that misery by ignorance, indifference, or both.
    however i do pity my silent suffering sisters and brothers who may never find understanding. who may never understand them selves. who may not survive. who may have no choice but to survive.

    i raise my voice not for me, because i am safe. but for everyone who does not dare to raise their voice. not now, not yet, maybe not ever.
    please don't fail to hear the suffering of the children.........
    Ah...thank you 'Fiver' for having the courage to blog this, then the foresight to post it here in the open...It is my wishes, and intentions...to not only bring these things to light...but, also...to offer hope...I believe, that the distance between here and 'the end'...may only be measured in hope...that those of you that really didn't understand...what the fight has been about...might I suggest, that you know it now...might I also suggest, that perhaps in this context...much of what we fervently hold...may rather be trivial... And I'll ask you...do 'we' live...only for ourselves? I believe...that we do not live only for ourselves...else the matter would be simple...

    I'm finding too...that these 'diamonds in the rough'...are actually not rough at all, but they may require, a different light for their facets to gleam...a brilliant light, that is more spectacular...than the average diamond has ever shone...

    I encourage you all...shine the different light...see what you've been missing...
    With love and hope,
    -Marka

Similar Threads

  1. Suicide
    By cavemans in forum Mature Topics
    Replies: 31
    Last Post: 02-Dec-2010, 20:24
  2. Suicide - What to Do?
    By dcviper in forum Mature Topics
    Replies: 32
    Last Post: 17-Jun-2010, 00:30
  3. Suicide
    By Kovy in forum Mature Topics
    Replies: 99
    Last Post: 20-Oct-2008, 07:04

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
ADISC.org - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community.
ADISC.org is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.