so. lately in my life i have been asked the question "why do i want to be a girl". for someone who is still new to these feelings truthfully its not just a question from other people to me...its a question to myself. now, understand i still live at home, my parents don't know and wont tell i move out. (my mom knows i cross dress and wear diapers, but not my transgender part) all my friends are online (thou iv met a few in RL) and most of them know who i am fully. so the only time i get to be "me" is when im in my room on my PC. my dad can barely handle that im gay and every time something about it comes up (like a random picture on my PC or me actually being gay around him) some big freaking fight about nothing comes up about it, usually involving the "its a faze" crap or "how do you know". and normally always ending with "if your gay be gay, what makes you happy makes me happy" crap, which is always thrown out the window when he wont let me be gay by making me push it out of my daily life around him, and even going to the point of once of taking the internet away, along with making ME!!! say goodbye to my friends and my BF at the time. so as you can see (not to get into a rant) him finding out about my whole girly side or cub side while im at home is a vary bad thing. making it even harder for me to work on being who i want to.
I have 2 people in me, the boy, and the girl. and naturally the boy is what comes out more when im uncomfortable because its what iv been most of my life and is what i best know. when i was young i wanted to be like my sister, a girl, i wanted to do everything like her and be her sister and not her brother. but back then i didn't know it as much and with being home-schooled and spending all my time with my dad growing up. it went away for a while and i never thought on it much, same with being gay, even thou thous feelings were always strong. it wasn't tell i started getting away from my dad that these feelings came back and i started really wanting it again. so now i live as two people, during the day as a boy around most everyone im the boy. but when im alone and with people i trust and are comfy around (like my friends) its the girl. and im never happier then when im the girl and i would give anything to become her right now. now i believe i am her, in my mind, even when i have to be the boy, im the girl.
now because of this back and forth it plays hell on my mind. and at one time or another i start to doubt myself, thinking it would just be better to just stay a male and not work to what i dream of everyday just because my family would be happier. and with no RL support it becomes really hard to not think this stuff and wonder if im just kidding myself. but i know im not. i felt it and i feel it everyday, when i wear my girly clothes or paint my nails, or wear panties under my normal jeans. i feel so...at home and so right. its the most amazing thing to feel that wave of...being truly happy with yourself. i know im a girl, trapped in a boys body. no matter how "safe" or "natural" being a boy feels when i have to.
I personally would have given anything to have been born a girl and would deal with all the "maintenance" that comes with it with a damn smile on my face. just to be able to birth my own child, as odd as that might sound, i would kill to be a real mother to my own child. i dream of it constantly. its such a gift that is only given to thous who are born able to, and im sad ill never be able to enjoy such a gift.
I know one day ill be the real me, married to the love of my life and wrapped in his arms every night as his girl. and ill wonder why i ever worried about it. I thank anyone who reads my little rant/story and im sorry if it was boring or something you didn't want to read, to thous who don't or didn't finish it.
thank you and talk to you later. Anna.