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Thread: A "short" rant/story on becoming me.

  1. #1

    Default A "short" rant/story on becoming me.

    so. lately in my life i have been asked the question "why do i want to be a girl". for someone who is still new to these feelings truthfully its not just a question from other people to me...its a question to myself. now, understand i still live at home, my parents don't know and wont tell i move out. (my mom knows i cross dress and wear diapers, but not my transgender part) all my friends are online (thou iv met a few in RL) and most of them know who i am fully. so the only time i get to be "me" is when im in my room on my PC. my dad can barely handle that im gay and every time something about it comes up (like a random picture on my PC or me actually being gay around him) some big freaking fight about nothing comes up about it, usually involving the "its a faze" crap or "how do you know". and normally always ending with "if your gay be gay, what makes you happy makes me happy" crap, which is always thrown out the window when he wont let me be gay by making me push it out of my daily life around him, and even going to the point of once of taking the internet away, along with making ME!!! say goodbye to my friends and my BF at the time. so as you can see (not to get into a rant) him finding out about my whole girly side or cub side while im at home is a vary bad thing. making it even harder for me to work on being who i want to.

    I have 2 people in me, the boy, and the girl. and naturally the boy is what comes out more when im uncomfortable because its what iv been most of my life and is what i best know. when i was young i wanted to be like my sister, a girl, i wanted to do everything like her and be her sister and not her brother. but back then i didn't know it as much and with being home-schooled and spending all my time with my dad growing up. it went away for a while and i never thought on it much, same with being gay, even thou thous feelings were always strong. it wasn't tell i started getting away from my dad that these feelings came back and i started really wanting it again. so now i live as two people, during the day as a boy around most everyone im the boy. but when im alone and with people i trust and are comfy around (like my friends) its the girl. and im never happier then when im the girl and i would give anything to become her right now. now i believe i am her, in my mind, even when i have to be the boy, im the girl.

    now because of this back and forth it plays hell on my mind. and at one time or another i start to doubt myself, thinking it would just be better to just stay a male and not work to what i dream of everyday just because my family would be happier. and with no RL support it becomes really hard to not think this stuff and wonder if im just kidding myself. but i know im not. i felt it and i feel it everyday, when i wear my girly clothes or paint my nails, or wear panties under my normal jeans. i feel home and so right. its the most amazing thing to feel that wave of...being truly happy with yourself. i know im a girl, trapped in a boys body. no matter how "safe" or "natural" being a boy feels when i have to.

    I personally would have given anything to have been born a girl and would deal with all the "maintenance" that comes with it with a damn smile on my face. just to be able to birth my own child, as odd as that might sound, i would kill to be a real mother to my own child. i dream of it constantly. its such a gift that is only given to thous who are born able to, and im sad ill never be able to enjoy such a gift.

    I know one day ill be the real me, married to the love of my life and wrapped in his arms every night as his girl. and ill wonder why i ever worried about it. I thank anyone who reads my little rant/story and im sorry if it was boring or something you didn't want to read, to thous who don't or didn't finish it.

    thank you and talk to you later. Anna.

  2. #2


    hello, Anna...
    i am going to be honest with you. but first let me say, i've been where you are and have gotten through it.
    dreaming of being a girl isn't going to get you there, but i understand how surging hormones, a feeling of helplessness and a young mind with little life experience make's everything seem more urgent than it really is (it certainly did for me). while leaving you little idea of where to actually began on this long road to finding ones self (gender-ly speaking). and of course, i don't imagine that home-schooling helps this situation at all.

    but on the bright side, you are 18, and in most states that is old enough to give you the choice as to what to do with your life, where you want to go to school, how you want to live, and if or when you want to get a job and start work.... most probably the single most liberating and empowering things that you can do for your self. because with money, an even bigger world of choice and responsibility opens up for you. personal, social and sexual responsibility...

    in going out into the world you can start to compare your understanding and feeling of gender and sexuality with others that you meet in a free environment without family looking over your shoulder. and in that way see exactly where your brand of gender-expression fits in. and unless your a long-wolf independent sort of loner, fitting in and having social interaction and support in the face to face word is absolutely necessary for emotional and physical health.

    it's also important that i tell you that even though you may want to be a girl with every fiber of your being right now, there are other ways of experiencing almost that with out SRS.... and please understand that i am not coming down on one side of the debate for or against surgery. i am just saying that a person needs to get out and experience life a little to understand their choices....

    if you have more questions or want to rant more, please feel free. it's your thread... (smile).
    at your service;
    lodge wrecker.....

    PS. i am a post-op.. i do get-it...

  3. #3


    Believe or not my mother thinks the some thing about gays. It is something that some refuse to understand at all. I have been hiding it from my own family just hearing what they think about gays. This world is all screwed up. There are things that only a person living in the body would understand.

  4. #4


    thank you for the reply and it was nice to hear someone post-op and who's gone thru it all. wail i will say that yes, dreams don't make it happen, right now its all i got. theirs not a lot i can do with growing a girl more with the daily restrictions i have on me. now, as much as i do want to be a girl i know i need to wait and im not trying to rush thru things to much. im slowly bringing out myself more and more at a phase that doesn't feel rushed and making sure that this what i want. which it is. im one of thous people that when they know what they want, theirs no question about it.

    i am vary happy i am 18 and all the freedoms it comes with. i can't wait tell i can move out of my parents and start really living the life i want to live. and not having to hide anything anymore. one of the great things is i might move in with one of my friends and start getting a more social experience in the world, thou do have a lot, being that i worked with my dad for most my life i traveled all over the east side of the country so iv gotten to see the worst to the best of the world.

    I agree with you that SRS is something that really need to be thought over for a good while and really be considered. its a huge choice to make and not really any going back and i think on it literately everyday. i do what i can do as male but theirs only so much i can do( you'd have to live my life i guess to fully understand) i go to a counselor and a weekly basis which for me has been a big help in digging into myself even further and figuring out why i feel the way i feel. thru this iv found my gender (or better put, having male parts or lady parts) is my main source of troubles, that in my head i identify my bad parts of myself that i disgust and wish to get rid of as my male side (and in most ways is true) and the good side of me that i like and wish to improve on as my female side. and ill only really be able to get past these problems fully when i have an SRS and become female.

    hopefully i don't sound like im rambling or arguing as im tired when i wright this and i really do appreciate the advise and has helped a bit on a couple things and were to go from here ^^

    thank you again and ill talk to you later. Anna.

  5. #5

    Default One persons path

    You are so lucky to be 18 and have your whole life ahead of you. When I was 18, a long time ago, the only trans person was Christine Jorgensen. Being gay much less trans was very taboo. I wanted to be a girl so bad. I though about running away to San Francisco because that was the Mecca for gay people. I had to get away from home so I went to college and earned a degree in Chemical Engineering. I am glad I went to college. I tried hard to be a man so I got married and had 4 children. I cross dressed my whole life and died a little bit every day wanting to be a girl. Finally at 44 I came out and left my family. Luckily 2 of my children were adults but unfortunately 2 were still teenagers. I started the long journey of transition culminating in SRS in in 1996. I am now very happy as a women. I enjoy every minute as a women. The worst day as a women is better then the best day as a man. I am married to little lodge wrecker. I met her in 1992 at a gender meeting. She became my mentor and assisted me in my transition.

    This is the way one person did it. My only regret was waiting until I was 44. You are only 18 and have the opportunity to live your life as you want. Now is the time to strike out on your own. You may lose your family but I think becoming the girl of your dreams is worth it. Things are easier today then when I was 18. If I had it to do all over I would have transitioned at 18. I feel I wasted all those years.

    Your life is in your hands. The transgender feelings will never go away. They will only build over the years. So take chatge of your life and make yourself happy.

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