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Thread: Just a Pipe Dream or a Fantasy ?

  1. #1

    Default Just a Pipe Dream or a Fantasy ?

    At times I think I just wanting things that will never happen. Everyone has told me for years that there is someone out there for me. I'm really wondering about that.

    I feel like I'm just a reject. Somebody that no one rally wanted. Even my birth mother didn't want me. In fact I think she is a shamed of me,. The last time I talked to her, about 15 years ago, she has never told my half brothers and sisters that they do have an older brother.

    I've been AB all my adult life. Having to hide it around my family because they are the types of people who think we are creepy. I'm getting real sick of hiding.

    What is wrong with me that I can't be happy like most people. I see so many others that have been able to find some one to share the lives with but not me. Just what am I doing wrong. Is it my real age?

    I have been so sick of this lately that I feel sick inside. Like someone squeezing my heart, That lonely felling deep inside. I'm a loving caring person who can't seem to find someone who wants to share my life. Why can't I find that.

    I've been on other sites but all I attracted there where people who play head games. Had one Daddy, so I thought, that led me on for almost a month before telling me that he found AB's creepy. Those are the kind of people I've found on other sites.

    Why can't I find some who is nice and would like to cuddle with me?

    There are times that I even get sick of being AB. But that I can't change it is part of me. I'm a little boy in a big body.

    I've made many friends here that we would like to get together but we live in different countries. That makes a little to no chance of us ever meeting.

    I'm tired of feeling sick and alone and having to hide. I know there is a person out there who would really care I just having a problem finding that person.

  2. #2

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    I don't wish to give you a rushed reply Kenny...it's not that I don't have time for you now...it's that I've already promised this time elsewhere now! I do wish to try and help you, when I can...I just wanted to say for now...that I hear you, and I hear you! You already know that you're not technically 'alone'...but it does appear that you have become 'lonely'...

    You probably know too, that it may take a bit of time for you to sort this issue out...I hope that you know too...many, if not all of us here...will go the distance with you...!!

    Sometimes we forget what we know and offer, for help to others...I hope that you are talking with someone who's trained to help us work through difficulties too!!

    Call one of those 'help-lines', maybe see about getting a counselor...and keep talking here, and helping others! At least on a temporary basis...keeping yourself 'busy'...can be quite helpful too!

    Hang in there!
    -Marka

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by Marka View Post
    I don't wish to give you a rushed reply Kenny...it's not that I don't have time for you now...it's that I've already promised this time elsewhere now! I do wish to try and help you, when I can...I just wanted to say for now...that I hear you, and I hear you! You already know that you're not technically 'alone'...but it does appear that you have become 'lonely'...

    You probably know too, that it may take a bit of time for you to sort this issue out...I hope that you know too...many, if not all of us here...will go the distance with you...!!

    Sometimes we forget what we know and offer, for help to others...I hope that you are talking with someone who's trained to help us work through difficulties too!!

    Call one of those 'help-lines', maybe see about getting a counselor...and keep talking here, and helping others! At least on a temporary basis...keeping yourself 'busy'...can be quite helpful too!

    Hang in there!
    -Marka
    Thanks , Not that bad that I want to hurt myself. If ever get that way I'll check myself into a hospital first. I've been down that road before. I just feel like I have painted myself into a corner and waiting for the paint to dry but I used never drying paint. I just don't like feeling this way. I know a lot of people care here.

  4. #4

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    hey Kenny....
    i am a transexual... a sex-change. ever sense i was a small boy i looked up to and wanted to be around adventurous men, strong men... men who were doing something and going somewhere. all things that i myself dearly wanted to do even as i wanted to be a girl (all at the same time).

    all of this meant that i had to make some very conventional choices in my life when i was a kid with no life experience of alternative-life-styles.... (it was the 60's and all there were was hippies of which i was one).

    so i grew a little as a man, all the while gaining in life-experience enough until that day when i could make that choice to say....
    "fuck this noise, i want to be a girl no matter what i lose in the process"

    and that is what i did... and boy-oh-boy did i lose! i lost my two children. i lost my birth-family. i lost every friend that i ever had. and i lost my home of 25 years..... and along the way, i lost every bloody possession that i owned.

    but what did i keep?
    i can walk down any street wearing the clothes of my choice; girls, boys... or half & half. and if it would save my life i can't dress butch enough to get called "sur"... so i have my dream at last and have been living it for decades.

    but what are the draw-backs;
    well no real man who want to marry a lady in order to have a family wants me. it's something i had to come to terms with 30 years ago. and most men who want what they think are real-women don't want me. it's just a "man-thing"...... but i understand it's their thing and i don't take that onto myself. it's not my problem.... to be honest, most men who want me do so only because i am a sex-change.... (just my experience). and for that reason i have spent my last 20 years with and now married another tranny (post-op). my soul-mate.

    in the end, i don't think that i made a choice to be a transexual. but being one has forced me to make many compromises and choices there-after to maintain the integrity of being who that i am. a transexual....

    you say that you are an AB all your life. i don't question that and i don't see it as a choice for you. but what i do see is that in order to maintain the integrity of being a AB; you may need to make many choices and compromises in your life that you don't like in order to accommodate your being an AB....
    only you can find and make those choices.
    Last edited by littlelodgewrecker; 15-Aug-2013 at 10:49.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by littlelodgewrecker View Post
    hey Kenny....
    i am a transexual... a sex-change. ever sense i was a small boy i looked up to and wanted to be around adventurous men, strong men... men who were doing something and going somewhere. all things that i myself dearly wanted to do even as i wanted to be a girl (all at the same time).

    all of this meant that i had to make some very conventional choices in my life when i was a kid with no life experience of alternative-life-styles.... (it was the 60's and all there were was hippies of which i was one).

    so i grew a little as a man, all the while gaining in life-experience enough until that day when i could make that choice to say....
    "fuck this noise, i want to be a girl no matter what i lose in the process"

    and that is what i did... and boy-oh-boy did i lose! i lost my two children. i lost my birth-family. i lost every friend that i ever had. and i lost my home of 25 years..... and along the way, i lost every bloody possession that i owned.

    but what did i keep?
    i can walk down any street wearing the clothes of my choice; girls, boys... or half & half. and if it would save my life i can't dress butch enough to get called "sur"... so i have my dream at last and have been living it for decades.

    but what are the draw-backs;
    well no real man who to marry a lady in order to have a family wants me. it's something i had to come to terms with 30 years ago. and most men who want what they think are real-women don't want me. it's just a "man-thing"...... but i understand it's their thing and i don't take that onto myself. it's not my problem.... to be honest, most men who want me do so only because i am a sex-change.... (just my experience). and for that reason i have spent my last 20 years with and now married another tranny (post-op). my soul-mate.

    in the end, i don't think that i made a choice to be a transexual. but being one has forced me to make many compromises and choices there-after to maintain the integrity of being who that i am. a transexual....

    you say that you are an AB all your life. i don't question that and i don't see it as a choice for you. but what i do see is that in order to maintain the integrity of being a AB; you may need to make many choices and compromises in your life that you don't like in order to accommodate your being an AB....
    only you can find and make those choices.
    The big change I have to make is getting away from my family. If they ever found out I would be in the same boat as you rejected completely. My AB is little hard to explain to some, for some reason I'm both an adult and a baby. It may have been role play a long time ago but it is not that now.

    I may understand transgenders more than some. One of the guys I went to school with is trans. had it done shortly after getting out of school.

    I'm sorry that your family rejected you. As for these so called men you have run into , I don't call them real men. Because of who my birth parents where I decided that I never wanted to father children, afraid of what be like. My birth parents where Brother and Sister. Just what would I have passed on, I never wanted to find out.

    Compromise Ya. But I'm tired of hiding who I am. I'm doing nothing but living life in the shadows. I'm not living a life I'm hiding it.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by kennyrallen View Post
    Thanks , Not that bad that I want to hurt myself. If ever get that way I'll check myself into a hospital first. I've been down that road before. I just feel like I have painted myself into a corner and waiting for the paint to dry but I used never drying paint. I just don't like feeling this way. I know a lot of people care here.
    Understood...but, you do realize though don't you...that getting help, isn't reserved for the immediate crisis...getting help, is as much about preventing such crisis...AND, by addressing the problems NOW!

    In a manner of speaking, you are already hurting, yourself...you hurt now, you're calling for help now...and, I believe that 'we' need to address this now...

    You've been around long enough to see that...doing nothing different, results in nothing different...



    Quote Originally Posted by kennyrallen View Post
    "..."..."

    Compromise Ya. But I'm tired of hiding who I am. I'm doing nothing but living life in the shadows. I'm not living a life I'm hiding it.
    That is what 'we' (some of us) are attempting to bring forward...

    See: What is this? from What can we do?

    Still busy, but had a moment to share...
    -Marka

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by Marka View Post
    Understood...but, you do realize though don't you...that getting help, isn't reserved for the immediate crisis...getting help, is as much about preventing such crisis...AND, by addressing the problems NOW!

    In a manner of speaking, you are already hurting, yourself...you hurt now, you're calling for help now...and, I believe that 'we' need to address this now...

    You've been around long enough to see that...doing nothing different, results in nothing different...


    That is what 'we' (some of us) are attempting to bring forward...

    See: What is this? from What can we do?

    Still busy, but had a moment to share...
    -Marka
    Thanks again. I here adsking because peop[le here understand it. I call a Crisis line and tell them the truth, that I'm an Adult Baby . My family finds it creepy and I need to get to another state to a big city. I'm afraid that they are going to think I am off my rocker a sagest that I check myself some into some hospital . I have been around for a while and now how most people think about our lifestyle.

    I know these people at the hot lines are suppose to be profanation, but how many understand the AB lifestyle, without making judgments. This is just how I feel.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by kennyrallen View Post
    Thanks again. I here adsking because peop[le here understand it. I call a Crisis line and tell them the truth, that I'm an Adult Baby . My family finds it creepy and I need to get to another state to a big city. I'm afraid that they are going to think I am off my rocker a sagest that I check myself some into some hospital . I have been around for a while and now how most people think about our lifestyle.

    I know these people at the hot lines are suppose to be profanation, but how many understand the AB lifestyle, without making judgments. This is just how I feel.
    Right, and I think that's true in so many words... and yet! (and as much as anything, they're supposed to put you in touch with the right people for the situation, as well as to talk with you in that moment)

    I'll offer, that being AB/DL isn't the issue...it might well be the cause, or at least subject of it...

    The issue, is that you aren't able to find acceptance for yourself...and that may include...at least to some degree...from yourself...

    This leads to so many things...such as...isolation, self-doubt...pure anguish...the list is long for potential...

    I've argued this somewhere else too...

    The elephant in the living-room that everyone sees, but no one is talking about...isn't (I argue) the AB/DL...

    It is the suffering person, who we know as Kinny!

    ****I'm a bit on 'shaky-ground' below...because I'm having to make some pretty large assumptions for you Kinny. So, know what follows below is only to give you ideas, of how you might go about getting help. If you feel confident that it'll work for you, that's fine too...but do so at your own discretion.****

    {you talking to 'counselor'}
    "There's things about me, that I don't wish to talk specifically about what they are, but they do seem to be hampering either or both...the ability to be accepted by others, and or for me to allow others in to my life... for a very real fear of already experienced rejection"

    {you talking to 'counselor'}"What can I do to cope well enough to even approach the specifics?"

    {you talking to 'counselor'}"Where do I start?"****



    Quote Originally Posted by My Experience
    For me, at the time 'CBT', or Cognitive-Behavioral-Therapy ...was something that didn't require, nor did it outright ignore...everything that happened to me in the past. What it did address, was where I was then, and how to start coping now...so that I could first see 'the light of day'...that I might gain better perspectives, and better emotional & physical health...that I would actually stand a 'fair' 'snowball's chance in hell'...of actually getting somewhere.
    Your "painted in the corner" statement...while understandable in feeling, and situation...is a fatalistic position...especially in your case, with the "never drying paint".

    Although that may be your true feelings of you...every-time you state that...you are also enforcing that belief...

    This isn't meant to be sarcastic or rhetorical... Can you Kinny...without any doubt...predict the future? I'm not talking about odds, statistics, or what has been thus far...

    I'm talking about...can you in good-faith, with all of your heart, and all of your might...tell me or anyone else...with absolute, undeniable fact...anything, that will happen in the future? ...short of death & taxes of course ;-)

    I propose to you...that your future is so dimly lit...only for at least one reason...your 'goggles' are filthy and broken...what can you really see through those?

    The day is yours...live it for a change!
    -Marka

  9. #9

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    One thing to think about. You can be just as lonely if not more lonely in a big city where nobody talks to you or knows your name.

  10. #10

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    thats it, Kenny!
    is there a gay bar in your area? you don't even need to drink more then coke. it's just a place to meet people.

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