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Thread: On Being Alone

  1. #1

    Default On Being Alone

    The thing with me is that I place myself in this destructive pattern in this desperate attempt to make friends. I go onto BDSM sites, talk to any seemingly normal individual, and then find that their not at all normal and more than less a complete and utter pervert that may have tendencies toward rape.

    I latch onto these sites because someone always talks to me first, and for a split second it feels good to have someone WANT to talk to me. Even if that means they may be a raging douche later on.

    I can't handle being alone in a world where I have zero friends due to social anxiety and my own hermit-ness. So how can I learn to like myself without the need of others? I'm trying to make friends..slowly but surely...but as most things in life its a process. So in the mean time of finding someone that I can carry a conversation with and doesn't mind talking to me...what can I do to feel less alone?

    Also, I went onto sissykissy.com....its visually stunning but the community seems so off.

  2. #2

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    That's what make our place special... At least I think so... But I might be a naive little bub. There's lots of nice people here to talk to ... And no creepy ones ... At least that I'm aware of.

  3. #3

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    I agree with Oz this is what makes this site so different . There are a lot of on here who feel isolated no one to talk to face to face who would really understand what we are going through

  4. #4

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    Besides that what I said in your first thread... well yeah, it's hard.

    Perhaps try not to think about it that much, though I know it's way more easier said than done.
    But simply stay at those places, where you feel comfortable, over time. If you do not, than don't visit anymore.
    The same as I'd say regarding all those bdsm and similar sites... just stay away from them, for your own sake.

    Simply do what you like to do ultimately, and stay away from things you can't stand, especially in the case of trying to find some friends or talking about god and the world... =)

  5. #5

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    On some level I know what you're going through, I may not have had nearly as much social anxiety when I was younger, but I've definitely squished myself into a little hermit rut over time - and I actually have a partner who I love - I just don't socialize much with others, and when I do it seems very laboured and futile.



    Quote Originally Posted by StrawberryRaven View Post
    ...desperate attempt...
    There's a keyword there - desperation is something that others can sense, and if you're too eager or too forceful in your approach, you'll be off-putting. I don't know how to accomplish this necessarily, but getting away from the desperation is absolutely key.



    Quote Originally Posted by StrawberryRaven View Post
    what can I do to feel less alone?
    My suggestions:
    1. Stay away from Facebook - unless you intend to actually engage everyone you're friends with in conversation. There's nothing worse for feeling alone than watching your 'friends' post photos of how few occasions they have each week to spend time with their many local friends, children, relatives or extrovert-centric hobbies.
    2. Try to identify opportunities to flex your social muscles in safe, comfortable and manageable quantities. If there's a local group whose interest you share, look into joining. If there are volunteer opportunities helping others who are less fortunate, look into those too.
    3. Be realistic about what you do have. This place is a potential social outlet, as is school, work, a daily walk, petting a cat, playing a multiplayer game, learning a new skills. You probably already have a few outlets you may not have considered - we're all our own worst enemy in the criticism department.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by StrawberryRaven View Post
    The thing with me is that I place myself in this destructive pattern in this desperate attempt to make friends. I go onto BDSM sites, talk to any seemingly normal individual, and then find that their not at all normal and more than less a complete and utter pervert that may have tendencies toward rape.

    I latch onto these sites because someone always talks to me first, and for a split second it feels good to have someone WANT to talk to me. Even if that means they may be a raging douche later on.
    I am in a very similar situation to you. We have a lot in common. I also have social anxiety. I have been known to criticize myself for a lack of friends. I used to think the reason I had no friends was that people could tell I was inherently worthless. However, I realize now that the reason I have trouble making friends is because I viewed myself as inherently worthless, topped that with a great fear of rejection, and then combined the two ideas into essentially never even attempting to make friends at all.

    If someone I met out (when I used to go out more often!) said "Hey here's my number we should all hang out sometime!" I'd think they were 1. Just being nice / saying the appropriate social response. 2. Going to trick me into some prank that would result in public humiliation. 3. I was not going to be as 'cool' or 'smart' as whatever made them even consider being my friend in the first place, so I had to stop while I was ahead.

    After a while, I stopped getting requests like this. I became a hermit, first of all. And second, I began giving off some kind of 'stay the hell away from me' vibe, because I was so afraid that someone would see how worthless I (thought I) was inside. This snowballed, circled around, and it escalated. I now have agoraphobia as well as social anxiety. I have to work super hard to get myself out of this place, and it's a very hard struggle all the time.

    And now I realize, so what if they were saying the appropriate social response? So what? If I just went and took them up on their offer, we probably would have had fun. We'd do it again. Again. After a while, I'd have five new friends. Maybe not deep-talking friends, but even just some fun-friends who I could go out with, and those kinds of friendships are valuable, too!

    The best advice I have at the moment is something I've done in my past blog post. Reframe your negative thoughts into the reality of the situation. Not hyper-positive or sugar-coated. But the truth. You're doing that a bit. You're aware that part of the reason you don't have friends is because you isolate yourself. That's a truth. (As it is for me as well.) That's something you (and I) can work to fix - not a situation permanently wrong with you inherently.

    One thing I think you're doing, which many of us have done, myself included, is confusing the notion of getting attention with making friends. You said you went to BDSM sites to make friends. But that seems off. Really, wouldn't you say you're going to those sites as a very pretty young lady trying to get sexual attention? Why talk to horny men on sexual oriented sites in order to make friends? That's something a woman could certainly choose to do if she wants to, but the goal there I'd say would be a sexual goal, not a friendship!

    For now, because I personally have agoraphobia, I'm just communicating with my friends online or on the phone. There's no shame in making friends online. I'd highly recommend it in your current state of social anxiety. It's SO much easier to talk online more openly.

    I'd love to be your friend, too, if you don't mind being friends with an old lady, Lol! You seem like a nice person, you write well, you think deeply about things, I like a lot of the same movies and music you do, and we seem to be suffering from a similar social anxiety issue! But don't take those things I just said about you as your inherent value, either, like I would have done a short while ago! You know your own value, it's in there. It's the part of you that feels sad about this. It's the part of you that realizes you are a good person and you DO deserve friends and you DO deserve love.

    *Hugs*

  7. #7

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    I don't know exactly how I could answer that, because I'm struggling with that myself. To feel alone constantly is something nobody should have to deal with, and with some people on the web these days, it's hard to find others that aren't creepy in a semi-dangerous way, or those who are just really mean to others. I would enjoy talking to you, if you wanted to be friends with someone like myself. After all, if we're anything alike, you deserve a lot of what you think you don't deserve, a friend or two being one of those things. Not to push or anything but I wouldn't be mean or anything ^^; It's your choice, here's hoping for better days in the future.

  8. #8

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    Yeah this site is a good social tool... Hopefully you'll find someone to chat to!

    Other than that I can't beat the advice people are giving you... All sounds solid!

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