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Thread: Came out to my wife

  1. #1

    Question Came out to my wife

    A couple months ago, I posted about my issues trying to tell my wife about my neutral DL tendencies. Lately I've had a very rough time between underemployment and grad school stress and I've had the urge to wear and I came out during a late night confessional. To put it lightly, she's conflicted.

    She finds the urge for a grown man to wear diapers to be "creepy" and she thinks it's indicitive of supressed issues which could be addressed elsewhere. It also seems to be going against her "marrying a man" given how (my words) "I sometimes feel like I'm 2 down there." She is willing to let me wear with some ground rules - no messing, no wearing out of the house, she isn't fond of wetting - but she doesn't get why I'd like to wear. I tried to give the feeling of protection and warmth but her response is akin to "diapers don't exist to protect you, they exist to protect clothes and other things."

    What do I do here? Just wear? Talk it over further? This was a huge bombshell I should've told her a few years ago before we married and on top of other things it's stressing her out. Any help please?

  2. #2

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    I don't think it's particularly healthy to be in a position where one partner dictates the terms of another's behavior, particularly in regard to something harmless and essentially private. I'd say play it by ear in terms of whether or not address this immediately or to let her absorb what you've laid on her for a little while but I think it needs resolution. Be apologetic for not telling her sooner but not for your desires. Offer to see a professional or suggest you go together in regard to your "supressed issues". This is something you'll have to deal with and compromise is important but compromise is not a dictation of terms.

  3. #3

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    Well, I do agree that you should have told her before you were married, but that is neither here nor there. You should deal with what is, not what should be.

    So, what you have is a woman who feels, with considerable justification, betrayed and blindsided. I mean, let's face it: who in the world (other than someone in the ABDL world) would ever, and I mean ever, anticipate this little marital twist? She may have been emotionally prepared for a lot of things in her life, but it's safe to say that this was not one of them. So the fact that she "doesn't get" it is perfectly reasonable.

    OTOH: if "she is willing to let (you) wear," then that is an indication that this woman loves you enough to meet you halfway on something she sees as repugnant and "creepy." I'd say that, short of someone who simply accepts the quirk--unlikely but possible--this is one of the best responses you were likely to get. Take it for what it means: she cares about you so much that your "huge bombshell" hasn't caused her to explode and walk out. That, I think, is very, very positive.

    As to what you should do:

    You know your wife better than any stranger online. (Obviously.) But from where I sit, if I were your wife, I think I'd appreciate it if, instead of diving right into this utterly bizarre concept you just sprang on me, you gave it a day or two and then broached the subject again. Maybe you could give her some background information to read? There is plenty accessible right here as ADISC. Showing her that you care about her feelings, being considerate of her reaction and not just imposing this thing on her before she understands it more: that is what is most likely to help you in the long run. Or at least it would if I were she.

    Good luck.

  4. #4

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    Hey, I remember you asking about this a while ago. I'm glad you decided to tell. It couldn't have been easy, but you did the right thing instead of hiding it any longer. Now it's in the open - no more need to worry about living with secrets.

    ICkaraokegirl and Trevor have given you some wonderful advice, which I would recommend following. Having some material on what this is may help, as it'll show her that it's not just you. Also, you shared a bit of your background with me. Talking to her about some events you think may have led to your ABDL feelings may help her understand where you're coming from a bit more. But don't be too pushy. She is going to need time to understand and accept this.

    Continue to do your best to live her and gently advocate for your needs. She is still dealing with a big shock right now. I really hope it works out nicely for you two. Best of luck, and keep us updated!

  5. #5

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    I was engaged to a woman and we were living together she knew i had IC problems and knew I wore a diaper at night. A month before our wedding she called it off , saying that shouldn't handle be married to some one that would always be in diapers. Even us who wear for need have had problems with relationships because of diapers. I do hope you two can work things out to were you both feel comfortable with it.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dohmer194 View Post
    A couple months ago, I posted about my issues trying to tell my wife about my neutral DL tendencies. Lately I've had a very rough time between underemployment and grad school stress and I've had the urge to wear and I came out during a late night confessional. To put it lightly, she's conflicted.

    She finds the urge for a grown man to wear diapers to be "creepy" and she thinks it's indicitive of supressed issues which could be addressed elsewhere. It also seems to be going against her "marrying a man" given how (my words) "I sometimes feel like I'm 2 down there." She is willing to let me wear with some ground rules - no messing, no wearing out of the house, she isn't fond of wetting - but she doesn't get why I'd like to wear. I tried to give the feeling of protection and warmth but her response is akin to "diapers don't exist to protect you, they exist to protect clothes and other things."

    What do I do here? Just wear? Talk it over further? This was a huge bombshell I should've told her a few years ago before we married and on top of other things it's stressing her out. Any help please?
    hello Dohmer...
    i don't normally respond to threads such as this, but your words have moved me to give your situation some thought.
    so, having read the advice that everyone else has given you thus far; i looked back through your past posts here on ADISC to get an idea of what you had been going through... (hope you don't mind).

    and well, i have only one added thought i can offer here;
    in the past you have thought about and considered trying to wear diapers to work at times because as you put it, and i will see if i can get this right....

    you said your wife is a bit of a home-body i think and you work most of the time. and that is your only time away from her/out of her sight. something to that effect. in other words, apparently, you can't easily wear them at home.

    if it were me, i would simply point out to your lovely wife that this need is so very strong in you that you have been thinking of possibly wearing at work in order to meet your needs. and that on reflection, the idea of doing that and compromising your job-security as apposed to wearing in the safety and security of your own home is stupid.... (don't you agree wife?).

    a man has his needs, and your wife will need to realize this fact. i don't think that any wife wants her husband meeting those needs out on the street or at work... and at least your needs are not for another woman (or man).

    just some thoughts...

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by littlelodgewrecker View Post
    hello Dohmer...
    i don't normally respond to threads such as this, but your words have moved me to give your situation some thought.
    so, having read the advice that everyone else has given you thus far; i looked back through your past posts here on ADISC to get an idea of what you had been going through... (hope you don't mind).

    and well, i have only one added thought i can offer here;
    in the past you have thought about and considered trying to wear diapers to work at times because as you put it, and i will see if i can get this right....

    you said your wife is a bit of a home-body i think and you work most of the time. and that is your only time away from her/out of her sight. something to that effect. in other words, apparently, you can't easily wear them at home.

    if it were me, i would simply point out to your lovely wife that this need is so very strong in you that you have been thinking of possibly wearing at work in order to meet your needs. and that on reflection, the idea of doing that and compromising your job-security as apposed to wearing in the safety and security of your own home is stupid.... (don't you agree wife?).

    a man has his needs, and your wife will need to realize this fact. i don't think that any wife wants her husband meeting those needs out on the street or at work... and at least your needs are not for another woman (or man).

    just some thoughts...
    I think telling her that might backfire. Her justification for not letting me wear out of the house is one of what if I get hit by a car and the hospital tells her parents or my parents and word gets around. Wearing at work in contrast would be a major risk.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dohmer194 View Post
    I think telling her that might backfire. Her justification for not letting me wear out of the house is one of what if I get hit by a car and the hospital tells her parents or my parents and word gets around. Wearing at work in contrast would be a major risk.
    that is the point!
    wearing at home is the only safe way to go....

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by ICkaraokegirl View Post
    Well, I do agree that you should have told her before you were married, but that is neither here nor there. You should deal with what is, not what should be.

    So, what you have is a woman who feels, with considerable justification, betrayed and blindsided. I mean, let's face it: who in the world (other than someone in the ABDL world) would ever, and I mean ever, anticipate this little marital twist? She may have been emotionally prepared for a lot of things in her life, but it's safe to say that this was not one of them. So the fact that she "doesn't get" it is perfectly reasonable.

    OTOH: if "she is willing to let (you) wear," then that is an indication that this woman loves you enough to meet you halfway on something she sees as repugnant and "creepy." I'd say that, short of someone who simply accepts the quirk--unlikely but possible--this is one of the best responses you were likely to get. Take it for what it means: she cares about you so much that your "huge bombshell" hasn't caused her to explode and walk out. That, I think, is very, very positive.

    As to what you should do:

    You know your wife better than any stranger online. (Obviously.) But from where I sit, if I were your wife, I think I'd appreciate it if, instead of diving right into this utterly bizarre concept you just sprang on me, you gave it a day or two and then broached the subject again. Maybe you could give her some background information to read? There is plenty accessible right here as ADISC. Showing her that you care about her feelings, being considerate of her reaction and not just imposing this thing on her before she understands it more: that is what is most likely to help you in the long run. Or at least it would if I were she.

    Good luck.
    It's helpful to us guys to have insight such as yours. It's what I've been trying to tell our members when they want to tell. Accepting someone who desires to wear diapers is not an easy process. Even though my wife accepts me, I know that she is somewhat conflicted between my little self, and the man and father of her children that she has known for these many years. It works for us, but there are boundaries I won't push even though I'd like to.

    As others have said, I think you (Dohmer) need some time to let these new revelations sink in. After that, some additional information might be necessary, and as others have said, perhaps professional counseling might actually help your cause. My observation has been that telling your SO that we wear because of "comfort" simply isn't enough. It really says next to nothing. Being honest and revealing that it's a fetish makes it a lot more understandable, though harder to accept. Sooner or later, your spouse will come to realize that, however.

    People are complex and many of us have needs that go outside the normal social boundaries. If she loves you, she will accept some modified ways that will work for the both of you. Good luck.

  10. #10

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    A little update: I gave in and bought a cheap CVS pack this afternoon. Am wearing right now, they feel good but awkward which makes me want to try better ones sooner than later.

    My wife is doing fine but has the condition of me wearing them under boxers until she's used to it. I see that as worthy enough and the padding helps in doing schoolwork as a second layer of protection from laptop radiation. She does seem concered about why I'm interested, the idea of a fetish seems a bit weirder than that of regression. Mine falls right in-between as it manifested itself pre-puberty.

    As for CVS, their sizes are haywire. I wear a 42"-44" pant and should barely fit into the mediums but end up awkwardly fitting into the large. Is this normal?

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