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Thread: Keeping it secret long term

  1. #1

    Default Keeping it secret long term

    I'm sure there are lots of you out there who are in a relationship and haven't (yet) told your SO about your AB/DL/little side. Have you weighed up the pros and cons and decided NOT to tell? If so, how are you finding that?

    Reason I'm asking is that I have lived with my partner for 2 years now, so I'm way past the point where ideally I should have told him. Part of me wants to tell, just so that I don't have to keep a secret from him (he has been open with me about his TV side since before we committed to each other) but I feel ashamed, embarrassed, I wouldn't want him to see me diapered, I don't want him to act as my caregiver. I have self-acceptance issues that go beyond accepting my little side, but they are slowly getting better, and allowing myself to be little is helping I think.

    So I think I just have to keep this between my ears and be little when he's away overnight (once a month or so). I can come to adisc when he's not around, but I don't like having to keep that a secret either. I don't think what I'm doing is affecting our relationship at the moment because I'm fitting what I want to do around everythinge else but I'm wondering if this is going to work long term.

    We are planning to start trying for a baby next month so I feel like I either have to tell him NOW (and risk our whole future) or keep it to myself long term, and I'm worried that I might just be kidding myself that this is possible. We don't want to delay trying for a baby because we're 34 and 39 already and although it might happen first try, it might take a while too.

  2. #2


    Keeping it to yourself will only result in you partaking in this activity behind his back. You may risk being caught if you slip up.

    It's not easy telling your partner, heck, I have been there, done that and got the t-shirt, however it's not as bad as you think it will be. If anything, he should respect you more and believe that the relationship is worth it, due to you being able to confide in him with your deepest secrets. He may even tell you one of his deepest secrets.

    Relationships are based on trust in my opinion and by you telling him this should show him that you are willing to trust him with anything! Which should in turn make him feel good about you, your relationship and himself.

    If and when you do tell him, make sure he knows the full details and facts. At first he might be freaked out and confused, that's why you need to explain everything in full to get it all cleared up, but when you do, it will bring you two closer than ever before.

    Of course, he may not be accepting of it, however, in my opinion, if he doesn't accept you for who you are, which includes this, then he doesn't truly love you. Partners in relationships must accept each other and be there for each other whenever and always. This is a sign of love and compassion.

    Sorry for going on a ramble, but in my opinion I think you should tell him. It will make your life a lot easier.

    I told my partner, kind of had too due to our circumstances, and he was accepting of it. He now uses a pacifier/dummy, has tried diapers and now I think he is curious about my baby bottles too.

    Of course if he is accepting, don't force anything on him. Take it in baby steps. His curiosity may get the better of him and he may try out a few things, just like my partner. He is now hooked on using his paci and i think its cute.

    Try searching the forums for other threads on telling your partner. There is some good stuff out there. I'm just too lazy to post links.

    Good luck with the new baby and I hope everything works out for you.


  3. #3


    I think the same thing. You shouldn't keep this from him. If you do he will find out sooner or later and when he does it's going to be worse than telling him now. "Why didn't you tell me?"will most likely be his first words.

    I know I couldn't go threw life not telling the person I love. When I find someone who I believe I have a future with I will definitely tell.

  4. #4


    I agree with the others. After two years you should have no secrets from each other. It could be very likely that he may all ready knows and has said nothing.

  5. #5


    You know, a baby is an enormous commitment.
    I don't want to put words in your mouth, but I wouldn't let the relationship reach that level with such secrets as this.

    I've been through maybe...3 or 4 people?
    I told most of them about this side of myself as a filter to screen for people that really cared about who I was--because, really, it was the "darkest" side of myself to outsiders.

    Yes, in part I mentioned this with the hope I could have a partner to participate with in this fetish.

    Still, as I've matured I've realized that it's really an excellent tool for finding ideal partners. The one that really cared about who I was, who I could talk with, share challenges and conflicts, discuss the future and make decisions with...that turned out to be the right person.

    The AB thing is definitely there...but it hardly dominates. In fact, it has become a bit mundane and we hardly notice it--even in bed! Sometimes that drives me nuts...but it's what I wanted--for it to become so normal it was no longer a "big deal" and a bit boring compared to more important things like finance, housing, and education.

    Point is, while keeping secrets in the short term may make sense for sake of self-preservation, if you want to go for the long run you've got to have no barriers. Communication is so crucially important, and if you don't have enough honesty with each other to talk about this portion of your life how do you expect you will be able to parent a child?

  6. #6


    You know, I agree with what others are saying -- for the sake of your relationship it seems important that he knows -- but I'm also seeing a lot of internal stuff for you, individually, that could get really riled up if you just jump into a reveal. And that may be why you're so reluctant to consider it.

    Here, you say:

    Quote Originally Posted by lucidlemur View Post
    Part of me wants to tell, just so that I don't have to keep a secret from him {...} but I feel ashamed, embarrassed, I wouldn't want him to see me diapered, I don't want him to act as my caregiver.
    There may be several different reasons for any of these things. Perhaps it's emotionally neutral: you literally just don't care or want him (or anyone) to be involved in this side of yourself, there's just no appeal at all. On the other hand, perhaps it's a very charged idea -- maybe so charged that you can hardly look at it straight-on -- & that's more the impression I'm getting here. Lots of shame and feelings that are, perhaps, covering up any true wishes underneath (whether for or against).

    But I'd like to point out, either way -- you know, it is YOUR little side, it is for you. It is your choice whether to share it with anyone -- AND it's your choice how MUCH to share it. You are completely allowed to say, "This is part of me. Right now I'm not open to you being involved with it at all, but I feel like you ought to know before we enter into this next momentous thing. I don't want to risk putting our family at stake later on."

    If you can't stand the thought of telling him -- I'd hesitate to say "full steam ahead". Simply because I can't see how it would be healthy for you, to feel like you are getting deeper and deeper into a situation that you CAN'T back out of (because baby!), and COULD theoretically destroy by revealing this very personal thing.

    Even though it's entirely possible he wouldn't even mind if/when you told him, keeping a secret can damage the person it belongs to. It forms a trap no one else can see.

    This is relevant:

    Quote Originally Posted by lucidlemur View Post
    I have self-acceptance issues that go beyond accepting my little side, but they are slowly getting better, and allowing myself to be little is helping I think.
    I am finding the same thing true for myself -- and after a certain point, I began to realize that hiding my little (& fiercely me) side was more damaging to me, in itself, than any possible harm to my relationships. The shame I poured on myself through the act of hiding was hurting more than rejection would! In the end I'd rather be myself out loud and trust that that is the key to happiness, rather than any particular relationship or tangible thing. (Yes, it was as terrifying & painful to realize as it sounds! Not recommended for the faint of heart! but oh words cannot describe, glorious wicked freedom and sunshine on the other side)

    In any case, I'd encourage you to spend some time thinking about this for yourself and checking into your own feelings, desires and fears. This doesn't have to be a sword hanging over your head for the rest of your life with your partner -- it doesn't have to be a poisonous secret. And if having some spaciousness would help you breathe easier, I'm sure he'd understand if you simply told him you wanted another few months to think things over (and decide what to do) before trying to conceive. I'm sure he wants you to be happy

    Do what you need to do, dear heart!

  7. #7


    I told my wife many years after we were married and it worked out well. I did have a thought, though. Do you suppose you might have less desire to wear diapers and feel little after you have the baby? I know after I became a father, the desires waned considerably, I guess because there were real babies around the house, that and the responsibilities of being a father. It's just something to think about before you take the plunge.

  8. #8


    Thank you all for replying, it was worth asking the question cos you've given me some new angles which is just what I was looking for. I need to take some time to think but I'll be back tomorrow

  9. #9


    Good luck in whatever you decide to do and keep us updated. If you need anymore advice, feel free to come back for more. That's what we are all here for 😊


  10. #10


    I would say if you really want to telly then do it before you fall pregnant, if it is a major issue for him and you do split then that is much easier without a child for there sake more than anything else,

    however in an ideal world if he loves you then he will accept you nappy liking side of you. again it does not mean he has to participate but at least you can do alone and feel much better knowing your not lieing to him, thus a great weight of your mind.

    for me having a child though and he knows u like nappies must always play on there mind if ur changing the diaper do you like that also, we all know that is not the case just think if you do say you have to fully explain feelings what u like etc so there is no grey areas.

    even if he did accept and he wanted to be involved would you be ready for that also eg the though of him seeing you his partner in a nappy or him wanting to help change you etc or even baby you I guess all questions which could come up if you told. I guess you have to be prepared for what they would if they are ok with it wish to do or how they wish you to still enjoy nappies.

    I myself as I already god you kind of brought the subject up with wife, but was in a rushed way and meant did not get to explain fully, although she does not approve more recently know she has seen nappies in my draw and know she says nothing kind of skirt around the subject, I even wore a pull up all day Saturday even though is not obvious know she saw the side sticking out and still said nothing.

    in my situation I need to tell her again I think and explain better, I would, love her to accept and may be engage with it but do out think that will happen, need more DL friends I think to take a bit further just I do not want to get old an regret not enjoying them more would prefer to do it now I guess.

    I guess as your a women and most of us are men is hard to understand our point of view as I guess if you was our partner we would love you to wear.

    does ur partner not have any fetish or anything, maybe then you can help him with his and then he with yours as can make things more fun especially all that trying for a baby, as I know can make things more mundane at times rather than always fun enjoyable sex which it our make it also.

    anyhow I guess the only person who knows what you will do is you as is your partner and u know him best.

    good luck

    Andy - crinklybum

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