I’ve been “lurking” around ADISC for a while now, changing usernames and creating new email addresses so that I never had to post anything. Sorry, that wasn’t really fair of me.
That said, ADISC has been a great resource for me, especially in the last ~6 months.
My girlfriend of 4 years found out my weird secret. We live together. She went to bed before me one night last winter. Naturally, I did what we closet AB’s tend to do when we are given an Internet connection and absolute privacy: I started searching through the bowels of the Internet. I hadn’t been on a proper Internet AB-binge in awhile. I wanted to see if there were any new sites or any new products or any new anything that could fuel my fantasies.
Well, before I went off on my AB-related Internet quest, and before my GF went to bed, I took some NyQuil. It was winter. I had a cold. I hadn’t slept much the night before. I ‘d been super stressed and busy with work. I needed two things: 1) sleep; 2) diapers, pacifiers, onesies, and for someone to read me “Goodnight, Moon.” I was having so much fun online, that the NyQuil kicked-in before I was finished. I suppose that I fell asleep on our couch with my laptop wide open displaying some AB-site with pictures (Privatina, I think, maybe something worse. I can’t remember).
My GF woke in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. She noticed that I wasn’t in bed. She was worried. She checked the living room. Sure enough, she saw the computer screen.
And then all hell broke loose…At least, it did for a few days. But I think I was more freaked out than she was.
I’m 25. I’ve known I liked diapers since I stopped wearing them at 2. One time when I was around 6, my biological mom took me grocery shopping. I snuck away from her when she was buying the meats, ripped open a bag of Pampers, and stuck one down my pants. I hid the bulge with the sweatshirt I was wearing. I wore that diaper for a year. I wanted to use it so badly. But I didn’t want to ruin the only one I had. Eventually, it disintegrated from overuse. My point is, I had been harboring this secret for ~23 years. It was super hard for me to come to terms that someone else knew.
But slowly and in steps I told her everything. Eventually, I bought my first NUK5 pacifier and Bambinos. No more store bought crap for me! My GF was completely understanding – that is, once I convinced her that it had nothing to do with pedophilia, which, understandably (for her) and regrettably (for all of us), was her first response.
ADISC threads really helped during the explaining process. They helped me explain to her what an AB is. I learned a lot from other members’ similar experiences. The threads also helped me understand more about myself. I never thought I would have the opportunity to share this side of me. I never thought I would share this with someone IRL, so I never thought about it as a part of my day-to-day personality. I never realized how complex this side of me is, I guess. I dunno, I’m rambling…
Anyway, my GF is a doll and a saint. She is still learning how to play the caretaker role, but she is willingly learning. And I am still learning how to be comfortable playing my role in front of someone else. She does read me “Goodnight, Moon,” though, which is the best. Maybe soon we will switch roles. I truly believe she has some AB in her. Or at least some form of Little. But maybe that’s just me seeing what I want to see. Either way she’s open, as long as nothing is forced or pressed to hard. Talking is key. And we love each other, regardless of whether we share every single fantasy.
Right now, I’m not even sure yet what age I want to play. I’m leaning towards some complicated scenario or scenarios. For example, a bedwetter who is cared-for and regressed by a slightly older babysitter. (NOTE: I’m a compulsive reader – both AB stories and big boy/girl books. I’ve been reading AB stories since DD, when I was around 15, maybe before, so perhaps my role-playing fantasies are a little convoluted and involved, hehe.)
Anything else? So much. But I won’t bore you much more right now. One big thing: Since I was on the Internet by age 10 or 11, and since I found the early, if crude, AB-related resources, I’ve never felt that alone or ashamed. I was scared someone would find out whom I loved, for example my GF. I was scared someone would find a diaper or I would forget to delete my Internet history. I was scared someone would abandon me because of it. But I never thought I was wrong. I was worried people wouldn’t understand. I still am worried people will conflate it with pedophilia. I don’t care if people don’t GET it. However, I cringe at the thought of people thinking it’s the same as pedophilia. I know we’re not wrong. I’m sure most of you feel that way. I like being weird. I like having a kink, even if my kink is a little more than purely sexual.
Final thought for now because I want to eat some dinner: When I was around seven or eight I had this fantasy of becoming President of the US. I wanted to become President for ONE reason. One reason only. I wanted to make it a law that every kid must wear diapers until they were 13. O boy…I guess I was a little lonely and wanted some diapered friends. Well, here I am…