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Thread: The ultimate act of self-harm

  1. #1

    Default The ultimate act of self-harm

    WARNING: This post talks about subject matter involving the big S word, suicide. Yes I am a survivor. If you are actually contemplating doing ANYTHING to hurt yourself, STOP. Call the hotline, call your best friend even if it is 3am, CALL 911. Getting help should be the first thing you should be doing, not reading some Internet board contemplating how or why you should do it. People do actually care about you, regardless of how you may feel about yourself or the situation you are going through...

    As I said, I have attempted and survived a suicide attempt a few years ago. Yes, an attempt, even though I was 100% sure it would actually succeed and probably shoud have given the situation on that day. A slight miscalculation on water depth left me relatively intact physically, completely mentally, and finally got me the mental help I knew I needed forever but never got around to getting. I've met various people since then who has survived, and some of their experiences have left me wondering how they managed to survive as well as being glad that I didn't do some of the way they chose. But I digress.

    Since then there's usually a few times a year that stuff happens which manages to get me down enough to where I start thinking about methods. But at least I know enough now that a) that sort of thinking is not normal b) things will improve soon enough that I will stop that train of thought and c) I need more than the thought to actually go through the physical act of harming myself. That last part is the only reason why I've only tried (and failed miserably, in a good way) once.

    So why am I writing this post? Because when I did it last time, there was this sense of finality that I knew was coming, something that made me want to go through with whatever method that was in my mind at the time, instead of just thinking about why and how I should do something that would leave the world a better place without one Starfox, which has been ongoing since my mid-teen years. And that was the last time I felt that sense, at least until this morning, in my dream.

    I know that dreams, at least very vivid ones, are a reflection of your inner conscious' hidden thought processes, a way for your brain to process thoughts and feelings that you cannot do so while awake. I've had my share of regressive and dl-ish dreams. I also have had to deal with traumatic dreams from while I was growing up, the causes of why I've been diagnosed with PTSD. Between the therapy and the meds, luckily those dreams have become a lot less frequent especially recently, but at least I know what they are and how I can deal with it.

    This dream was different though. In addition to being "hunted" (for lack of better wording), I actually willingly went through an act I knew that would end in my death. Multiple acts throughout the dream, in fact. All while thinking to myself, man, suffocating myself with a plastic bag is going to hurt, wish I had access to a bottle of helium to make it easier. See, I am a wuss and dislike pain. I've had enough of emotional ones growing up that I don't need to self-harm myself a little at a time. If I do something I am going to do it full-on. And I recognize that the sense of finality that I had in my dream is the same exact one leading up to the day of my attempted suicide. The only difference between then and now is that right now I have no thoughts contemplating how best to do it. If I was in my down mode right now, I'm not exactly sure I would be writing this this morning.

    Why am I sharing it on a AB/DL board instead of somewhere more appropriate? Not sure about that either. I've never really been one to share about myself, so I'm surprised at the amount of info I've given out in the past few days on a semi-public board that I have never shared with anyone on the Internet before. I guess I see the amount of emotional hurt that drives people to this sort of behavior, and want to help them out, even with my selfish emotional wants.

    I guess I'm just confused, about why I decided to join and participate here instead of lurking like I have done forever and a half. And whatever thought process that caused that to manifest my quite unsettling dream this morning. And perhaps that posting my experience with suicide might help someone here contemplating to rethink and perhaps get help, because god knows this board is filled with those that endured emotional trauma.

    Thanks for reading. I know it's a very heavy and taboo subject, so you don't have to feel the obligation to respond.

    Last edited by Starfox; 14-Jul-2013 at 13:14.

  2. #2


    I read, and didn't want to not respond, but I'm not really sure what to say except that I understand and empathise with a lot of the emotions in your post.

    I too had similar feelings about wanting to leave the world a better place without me, the futility of life, and my late teenage years consisted of a number of occasions where I worked towards a similar finality (through relapses of anorexia - something I'd struggled with since my childhood but which changed into a desire to actually starve until I reached that fine line between life and death, and then to cross it - and latterly a suicide attempt that failed only because a university friend I hadn't seen for a couple of years just happened to be in the neighbourhood, and called the police). The most powerful thing I was asked afterwards, which has helped me cope with those thoughts, was whether I wanted that finality, or whether I was just curiously nihilistic - because if I were just curious, then there was no way of testing that curiosity from the other side as I would, to be blunt, be dead. That one comment has changed my life in the ultimate way - it has prolonged it.

  3. #3


    I didn't read everything, just kind of skimmed through enough. I just wanted to add that I'm also a previous self harmer. I never tried to kill myself,but I have had thoughts of it. The only thing that actually held me back from suicide was my fear of death. It isn't linked to being a DL though. I have a lot of emotional problems, plus having multiple disabilities as well. I do seek psychiatric help, though I haven't told my psychiatrist about these things. They don't really come up as often as they used to.

    Anyway, what actually saved me was a band called Simple Plan, who I've enjoyed since the age of sixteen. I've it hadn't been fair them, I don't know what would have happened.

  4. #4


    I have cut my arms before and even have scars to show for it. I think that since opening up with my abdl lifestyle, it has given me the outlet to relax more and has really helped me control the depression that lead to me doing that.

  5. #5


    Quote Originally Posted by jcrowley1985 View Post
    I have cut my arms before and even have scars to show for it. I think that since opening up with my abdl lifestyle, it has given me the outlet to relax more and has really helped me control the depression that lead to me doing that.
    I don't really cut. I won't go into any detail though since its personal, and I don't want to encourage people.

  6. #6


    Quote Originally Posted by AutisticChessie View Post
    I don't really cut. I won't go into any detail though since its personal, and I don't want to encourage people.
    I don't want to encourage nor discourage anyone on that matter. You can't force someone to get help for something like that because that will just make them feel worse and actually making them want to do it more.

  7. #7


    Quote Originally Posted by jcrowley1985 View Post
    I don't want to encourage nor discourage anyone on that matter. You can't force someone to get help for something like that because that will just make them feel worse and actually making them want to do it more.
    I know. My psychiatrist doesn't know I do it. I only tried to stop because my boyfriend found out. He was scared because I thought if he ever broke up with me if I would be urged to self harm. I do it every now and then because of personal things, but I've been trying to stop.

  8. #8


    Also a survivor mine was Rx drugs. I had a problem dealing with being AB and other things that were going on. Part of it was that the Drs. were treating me for the wrong thing . They were treating me for Bi-Polar when in fact I had Epilepsy. Not knowing that there were other people who were AB out there, this was before the time of the Internet. I thought that there was something really wrong with me for liking diapers a like being a baby.

  9. #9


    I cut a finger off once in a bout of self loathing and desire to harm...

    But gosh I feel silly now, looking back on it. All things in time will pass, and nothing ever really happens how you think it will. You just have to ride it out and hold into the idea that it won't always be this way.

  10. #10


    We've had this thread before, and they're always disturbing. I used this subject once when I gave the sermon in church. The most memorable was a young member who said he cut himself while taking a shower because he liked to watch the blood swirl down into the drain. I cried upon reading it. I don't really know why, but I guess because I also cut when I was a kid. In fact, I was young, like 11 and 12, and older.

    I was bullied as a child, and had a fairly strict mother. At one point in our life we were going bankrupt. My mom could only discuss it with me because my dad's health was poor. I was 11 or 12 at the time. After we lost the house and moved, I had a psychotic break, losing an entire week or reality.

    When I was in college, more garbage played in my mind, a collaboration of college angst, falling in love with a neighbor boy, having another boy friend, a lot of drugs and the Vietnam War which I didn't want to attend. I tried to commit suicide on several occasions, one by electrocution and another by drowning. I came home one weekend while my parents were having company, and during dinner, I started crying and couldn't stop. After I went back to college, my mom found both my diapers and gay porn. The next week I had a psychiatrist at a mental facility. I had to tell him about my infantalism and my sex life. I felt like I was insane. He gave me a suicide card, his phone number which I could use any time of day or night, should the urge hit.

    Forty years later I wrote for this site, "Going Home", a short story about a 16 year old boy who is destined to become a vampire. I based him on members from this site, and he is a cutter. That depiction got some interesting discussion on this site. In the story, Mikey discovers how precious life is, and how he wanted his blood back while it was being drained from him by his new mentor.

    Life is precious, I have discovered in my strange journey. I'm at an age were my body/brain decides it doesn't want to breath, and if I chose, I could just let this happen, and drift to the next side, but like Mikey, I discovered that life is precious. There are so many things we can do in it. This afternoon I sat at my 88 key keyboard and played some Bach Preludes and Fugues. I wrote to a member on this site who is precious to me. Tomorrow I will ride my bike on our Blue Ridge Mountain bike trail, and I will edit, and perhaps write the last chapter to my novel, completing a 600 page adventure, soon to publish.

    The best I can advise is, don't every count yourself out. Fight the good fight and find things to do. Find your passion and seek it. Read great stories and listen to the music made by the giants. Don't close yourself to life, but open up to it.

    And this is a great site to seek help. So many of us are damaged, have not only survived, but triumphed. We're here for you.

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