WARNING: This post talks about subject matter involving the big S word, suicide. Yes I am a survivor. If you are actually contemplating doing ANYTHING to hurt yourself, STOP. Call the hotline, call your best friend even if it is 3am, CALL 911. Getting help should be the first thing you should be doing, not reading some Internet board contemplating how or why you should do it. People do actually care about you, regardless of how you may feel about yourself or the situation you are going through...
As I said, I have attempted and survived a suicide attempt a few years ago. Yes, an attempt, even though I was 100% sure it would actually succeed and probably shoud have given the situation on that day. A slight miscalculation on water depth left me relatively intact physically, completely mentally, and finally got me the mental help I knew I needed forever but never got around to getting. I've met various people since then who has survived, and some of their experiences have left me wondering how they managed to survive as well as being glad that I didn't do some of the way they chose. But I digress.
Since then there's usually a few times a year that stuff happens which manages to get me down enough to where I start thinking about methods. But at least I know enough now that a) that sort of thinking is not normal b) things will improve soon enough that I will stop that train of thought and c) I need more than the thought to actually go through the physical act of harming myself. That last part is the only reason why I've only tried (and failed miserably, in a good way) once.
So why am I writing this post? Because when I did it last time, there was this sense of finality that I knew was coming, something that made me want to go through with whatever method that was in my mind at the time, instead of just thinking about why and how I should do something that would leave the world a better place without one Starfox, which has been ongoing since my mid-teen years. And that was the last time I felt that sense, at least until this morning, in my dream.
I know that dreams, at least very vivid ones, are a reflection of your inner conscious' hidden thought processes, a way for your brain to process thoughts and feelings that you cannot do so while awake. I've had my share of regressive and dl-ish dreams. I also have had to deal with traumatic dreams from while I was growing up, the causes of why I've been diagnosed with PTSD. Between the therapy and the meds, luckily those dreams have become a lot less frequent especially recently, but at least I know what they are and how I can deal with it.
This dream was different though. In addition to being "hunted" (for lack of better wording), I actually willingly went through an act I knew that would end in my death. Multiple acts throughout the dream, in fact. All while thinking to myself, man, suffocating myself with a plastic bag is going to hurt, wish I had access to a bottle of helium to make it easier. See, I am a wuss and dislike pain. I've had enough of emotional ones growing up that I don't need to self-harm myself a little at a time. If I do something I am going to do it full-on. And I recognize that the sense of finality that I had in my dream is the same exact one leading up to the day of my attempted suicide. The only difference between then and now is that right now I have no thoughts contemplating how best to do it. If I was in my down mode right now, I'm not exactly sure I would be writing this this morning.
Why am I sharing it on a AB/DL board instead of somewhere more appropriate? Not sure about that either. I've never really been one to share about myself, so I'm surprised at the amount of info I've given out in the past few days on a semi-public board that I have never shared with anyone on the Internet before. I guess I see the amount of emotional hurt that drives people to this sort of behavior, and want to help them out, even with my selfish emotional wants.
I guess I'm just confused, about why I decided to join and participate here instead of lurking like I have done forever and a half. And whatever thought process that caused that to manifest my quite unsettling dream this morning. And perhaps that posting my experience with suicide might help someone here contemplating to rethink and perhaps get help, because god knows this board is filled with those that endured emotional trauma.
Thanks for reading. I know it's a very heavy and taboo subject, so you don't have to feel the obligation to respond.