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Thread: Just trying to cope, alone with my preferences in relationship.

  1. #1

    Default Just trying to cope, alone with my preferences in relationship.

    I have been happily married for six years now, and I always thought my sexual relationship with my wife to be below average, for underlying reasons of malnutrition, and myself and my partner being out of shape.

    I'm not very educated in the psychology of sex or how nutrition exactly affects the sex drive, but I'm convinced obviously there is a huge relation. After all sexual arousal, attraction, and drive is a human emotion triggered by many things involving hormones, and when the body is out of shape, such as being very overweight, the brain does not function at its best.

    My wife and I both are obese per the weight charts, and although we both honestly profess to be attracted to one another still, both of us individually admit openly to each other that we each do not find our own selves to be attractive, and are absolutely not proud of our own appearance.

    That being said, I have always had a sexual attraction to diapers, and wearing them, for the physical sensation. Soft, silkly fluffy material, et cetera. I always have the desire to see my wife in a diaper or let me diaper her as a way of flirtatious foreplay, but she has a great aversion to it especially due to a few minutes of a documentary she saw once on TV regarding adult babies. She said she found it a bit creepy and disturbing, and although I informed her I'm just attracted to the diapers and phsyical feeling itself, she has that mental block due to what she has seen of that behavior.

    That too being said, I ask her often if there are any fantasies or preferences or desires she has that she might tell me as I'm willing to oblige or branch out to expand our sex life, however she tells me as often as I ask - she has none. Although married for six years, and both of us having been virgins before we married, I would have though after six years of marriage, getting kinky with diapers would be far from taboo and we'd be much closer that for her to be nervous about it - much less her denying any fantasies to be had at all!

    This saddens me and I feel as if the next step would be to see a sexual therapist or couples psychologist to see if there are other issues that would be stopping a woman in her late 20's from having any sexual urges, fantasies - as well as being "in the mood" as seldom as once every two months.

    The more I think about it though, I keep thinking back to simple basics.... the act of sex is both a very intimate and very physically demanding act, and if both couples in a marriage are obese, it takes a lot out of you physically, and we are often sore, uncomfortable and in substantial muscle pain afterward. The number one thing I would suspect before even trying sexual therapist / psychology would probably be quite logical - for us to both get in shape!

    After all, if the body is not in great shape, the brain can't function nearly as efficiently as there is obvious nutrient deprivation going on. I have been told that it's a possibility that since my wife is also on birth control pills, that a side effect may in fact also be a severely stifled sex drive. Is that indeed true?

    Any thoughts / comments / suggestions by chance?

    I would never even consider leaving my wife just because of a sexual preference, but we would both like to feel more comfortable with one another and grow closer together. There's just a big blockade here.

  2. #2


    Just a quick answer as I don't have much time:

    Regarding the mental block - I think it is quite understandable. Depending on her, she could be open to it or not at all. Also depending on how you act with diapers on, or how often you wear (and anything she might VIEW as you being an adult baby in some way) will likely also impact if there is a chance for her to open up about diapers. There are probably some options of how you could try to persuade her to change her opinion or at least re-evaluate, but I think only you can know what could work and what is probably a bad idea.

    Regarding the sex-drive...Difficult one. Some people just don't have that much lust or sex drive. Generally, women peak out at around 40. There is a ton of issues that might affect her sexual drive, some of which could be obesity, stress, not being satisfied with her current life situation (or just any one particular aspect of it)...Hard to tell how you can figure out best. Ideally, talk about it! Tell her you're worried a bit, maybe very carefully suggest the idea of seeing someone who deals with these kinda things for a living. Little warning, a sexual therapist or psychologist can only help if she is willing to accept help. And many don't like the term 'therapist', so maybe you might want to consider something less factual as my above description for example.

    As you said, you both are not happy at all ("absolutely not proud") with your shapes, so getting in shape will either way only be helpful. It would be beneficial in many ways and if you're lucky, it might even solve that lack of sexual drive and allow much more fulfilling and joyful sex.

    Concerning the kinks, again some just like plain sex. Others love to try new things whilst other people won't know they have a kink before they literally are surprised by it through some sort of "accident" So instead of asking her, you could try suggesting certain things - for example using toys, maybe trying some light restraints (soft bondage), playing around with champagne, strawberries, ice cubes....those kind of things. Simply put, try to get actively creative!

    Being a male I can't share personal experiences regarding the pill and its effects, however I do know that some women can be affected by them. After all, they f**k up some women's hormone levels quite badly. So it COULD be. If she is willing, she could try changing the brand of pill, or using another kind of pill (there are so many variants of the pill, it's unreal!) - this did help with a friend of mine (many problems just disappeared with a different brand, although lack of sex drive was none of them).

    Lastly, I feel good that you're saying you're committed to her. If she is too and you talk about problems, I think you will find some sort of solution, sooner or later (though hopefully sooner rather than later ).

    Hope I could help in some way, either way...Good luck!

  3. #3


    Thank you so very much for your heartfelt and mature response.

    Since then, an amazing thing happened. My wife and I talked again and she blushingly admitted she'd been thinking a lot about our talks, and how I simply wanted to grow. I made it clear that my goal wasn't to convince her to partake in diaper foreplay as an exclusive element of our relationship forever, but I just wanted to be closer to her and have both of us feel comfortable doing everything together.

    She mentioned after much thought - as she saw how depressed I'd been lately, even though I tried not to let it show - that she may in fact be willing to wear a diaper a couple times to try it out, accompanied with a certain body massaging accessory, as since she admits never trying it, she doesn't know what it would be like and she may in fact try it.

    We also talked about closer teamwork in not going out to as many restaurants, eating less treats and focusing on nutrition even more, and couples exercise activities.

    We haven't actually acted out the above activities yet, and I'm so overwhelmed, I am nervous about what to do with myself now! It really does boil down to talking, honesty, and not being ashamed of recognizing the self, and how to help one another feel more comfortable.

    Thank you again so much for your support.

  4. #4


    I would recomend two books. "Serviving the marriage fog" and "becoming my spouces better half" (of course I cant find them to give you the authers name) (and I am on th computer without the spell check app that works)

    Both are very helpful in the very area that you are asking about. The key is communication, and then understanding the difference in the way each other function makes thing a lot easier to become the team that you started out to be and face it we do get caught in the marriage fog and forget to talk to each other in a productive manor.

    I hope this helps

  5. #5


    In my humble opinion, even though i'm still a virgin but in a building relationship. I'd say with concern towards your sexual relationship is that you are right with the exercise thing. You both would probably be much more intimate with each other if you got in shape, and If you start working out, she will probably follow your lead, especially if you ask her to be your exercise partner so you don't have to go to the gym alone. As for the question of sexual kinks between you too, well you might as well stop asking her if she has any because maybe she really is just a vanilla sex person, in which case, you asking could get tiresome. Id say though that it might be good if you get some advice from a marriage-sex Councillor on how they think you could approach this, or live without it, however if you ask her to go with you to the councillor, she might think you are implying that she is the one that needs to change (not saying she isn't). If you go on your own, and then they give you an answer that implies that she does need to change, then ask her to go with you to the councillor.

  6. #6


    My wife is the same. She is not into sex in any way or form and never has been. She also says that she does not have any fantacies or fetish thoughts in any way.

    I learned t(his many years ago when i decided i would tell my wife about my fetish things in the hope it would allow her to open up and feel more comfortable also).
    I told her i had a thing for bibs, and also hairdressing capes. That was it, nothing more than that. She said she couldn't understand it all and therefore could not get involved as such but would be willing to put them on me "if i wanted". But over the course of 30 years i know she HATES it. Doesn't want to do any role play of any kind etc. So for years i have not even mentioned the subject. She knows that i get pissed off with not doing anything, nor having any normal sex.
    But she just chooses to ignore everything, put her head in the sand and that's it.

    Even after several heart to heart talks it has not worked out. She continues to say "she is ok with it", but her actions are totally different to her words.

    I don't ask for anything anymore and don't bring the subject up either, because when i do, i can see in her face and eyes she hates it.

    My suggestion to you is not to push it, don't dwell on it, and don't make it a big thing. Just take things gentle and real slow

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