Message for Moo (Admin): I'm not sure if this should be posted in the Adult Baby section of the forum or the Mature Topics one. Would you please move this thread to the right place if needed?
What I am going to talk about in this thread is how I came to the decision to join this community, because I realized I couldn’t go back to the way things were. What I mean by that will make a whole lot more sense after you read this whole posting.
To tell the story that I need to tell will take a while, and I humbly ask that you all be patient with me.
As I have already told you some of how I got into loving diapers and feeling like a little girl in my introduction http://www.adisc.org/forum/greetings...-everyone.html so I won’t be getting into that again but rather proceed to telling you about something that began in 1996 when I was 17 years old and has stayed with me in my mind, heart and soul ever since then.
Back in 1996 about 2 years after the Internet became accessible to ordinary people here in Sweden I became good friends with this guy from the U.S through a mailing-list on the topic of an interest we both shared (having nothing at all to do with diapers or anything like that!)
After a while we decided to exchange e-mail addresses and began writing e-mails to eachother frequently, sometimes several times a week. And then after about a month or two had passed…
Quite by chance I discovered that he was a DL/LG and that he felt the same way I did. I remember how scared I was when I e-mailed him and asked if it was true that he was in fact a DL/LG and then the relief when he wrote back and asked me if was for real that I was actually into diapers like him, because it was such a rare thing … we just couldn’t believe that we both shared this interest too.
From that moment on we e-mailed daily, and talked about all those things that we hadn’t been able to talk to anyone else about up until then. We talked about everything from our favorite diapers, to what it was like wishing more than anything that you could regress into a little girl and be loved and cared for… even all that really private stuff. We both wished we could have been sisters for real…
Then in 1997 it so happened that my parents let me go on a trip to The States to visit him, of course they knew nothing about him also being into diapers, and I spent what were to become two of the best weeks of my entire life with him and his family. We stayed up all night talking about everything imaginable, much of it diaper talk… we snuck out and went shopping for diapers, pacifiers and baby powder, and then I remember us getting it up to his room without his parents finding out…
After the two weeks were up I went back home to Sweden and we promised eachother to stay in touch. But after a while I heard from him less and less until he went completely silent. I heard from this mutual diaper friend of ours that for some reason he didn’t want to stay in touch with me.
Because he was the first person in the world that I felt I could talk to about anything and everything – it hurt me so much that he went away. I found out eventually that there had been some misunderstandings between us that caused him to not want to stay in touch with me….
Some years later we got back in touch again, and talked about me coming to visit him, though at the time life wasn’t easy for either one of us, with lots of things going on so that never came to be, and after some time my friend just disappeared on me again. Heard from the same mutual diaper friend that he had found a girlfriend and had quit diapers and everything else cold turkey, that included shutting out any person he knew that had anything to do with diapers apparently. Needless to say it wasn’t easy for me to lose him once again, though I could understand his decision very well.
This would have been sometime in 1999 if I remember correctly. So now we’re getting to today. The end of 2012 beginning of 2013 through circumstances that I can’t write about here we once again get back in touch, some 13 years later. Many things has changed for both him and me. He has a family, a wife, and kids of his own but he never was able to quit diapers, and it turns out once we start e-mailing and chatting we still felt the exact same way that we did back when we were teenagers…
Many things that needed to be talked about, and things that needed to be said got to be said. I got to say to him how much I had missed him and how I had essentially “put a lid on” all these feelings of wanting to be a little girl, and all the thoughts and feelings surrounding diapers – I had to do it to cope when he went away. Of course I still used diapers and felt like a little girl or wanting to be a little girl at times, but I tried to keep all that stuff inside of me for ~15 years.
- Not very successfully I might add.
He told me how much he loved me and how we’d always be sisters and how he was sorry that he had left me without saying anything. He promised me that he would never do that to me again. He told me that he considered me to be a part of his family and that he wanted so bad to see me again… He even sent me a teddybear/blankie in the mail that he said I could cuddle when I missed him.
After about 4 months of e-mailing back and forth, and chatting my friend decided to disappear on me again, despite all his promises not to. I want to say that I can see why he would choose to do this and even though it absolutely crushed me all I really wanted from him was honesty – I wish that he would have at least told me that he was leaving. I think that’s what hurt me the most and still hurts – that he would leave again without so much as a word. Not even so much as a goodbye.
The thing is I think he actually meant everything that he said to me, but that in the end he probably couldn’t work out how to make every piece of the puzzle fit, between his family, himself, and his wanting to see me, and spend time with me again. So probably it was much too painful for him to tell me goodbye, to explain to me what was going on, so he choose to silently disappear again…
When I understood that he had gone away again I was left with the realization that it wouldn’t work out for me to put the lid back on my inner little girl and everything to do with diapers again. I just felt like I couldn’t go for the rest of my life without talking about this part of me with someone especially since when I got back in touch with my friend and with him promising to never go away again I gradually let my guard down and let the little girl in me out again… all my childish feelings.. that whole part of me I allowed to come out in a way I hadn’t done in 15 years.
So that’s why I thought I would join the ADISC Community in the hope that someone would understand, in the hope that I could find others who also feel the same way I do, about diapers, about feeling like a little girl inside, and just life in general, that maybe I could find a friend or two.
So where do I stand now, and how do I feel? I can only say that I understand my friend, and I can see why things turned out this way all over again. Part of me is sad and upset, but even so I can not be angry with him, and I still care about him the same way as I always did. Even though there is great sadness there is also a sense of gratitude for everything that he ever gave me. That I got to reconnect with him again after so many years. I only wish he could have told me goodbye is all.
I forgot to mention: Getting back in touch with him again I knew full well that this could happen again, and probably it wouldn't have hit me as hard as it did if it weren't for the fact that other things in my life where going crazy. My mom got sick, and my IRL friends all seemed to disappear. Some of them did so over me being a Brony, some of them did so because they got busy with life, and some of them because they have difficulties of their own in life...
Thank you for listening to me telling you all of this.