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Thread: Internet Friendship Doesnt Exsist

  1. #1

    Default Internet Friendship Doesnt Exsist

    I see so many people on this site and other sites who say they've made friends through the web somehow and I'm just wondering how that is. I've come to the conclusion it must just be me because everyone else seems to be doing it just fine. I dont have any friends in real life and so naturally I spent a lot of time online. I met someone on this site a long time ago I considered a friend. We talked for a long time and were really close, but over time that person just talked to me less and less. Now they never talk to me. It really hurt me because I not only was able to share my AB side with that person, but I did consider them a friend and thought they considered me a friend. It took me a long time to get over that.

    More recently I began to correspond with someone through Tumblr. They weren't an AB but we had other similar interests and interacted through Facebook and Tumblr all the time. About two weeks ago I decided to delete my Tumblr account and I said goodbye to my 'friend'. I knew from said previous experience I didn't want to slowly be forgotten by this person; it was just better make a clean break. But she insisted that she wanted to be friends and we would still correspond through e-mail and Facebook. We did for about a week and then she just stopped. No explanation, nothing.

    I guess this thread doesn't really have a point, I'm just really hurt and wanted to tell someone. I'm glad that places like ADISC exist to talk to others, but real genuine friendships dont exsist online. Or well, I guess they dont for me.

  2. #2

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    I think they can and do exist, but like offline friendships, they evolve and sometimes fade and/or end over time. Some people do have a harder go of it due to personality conflicts and other intangible issues - I know I do thanks to a nasty mix of shyness, mild paranoia and general oddity of my person. Even given all my personal weaknesses I've managed to have had at least 20+ good friends both offline and online over the course of my life, and even though I feel I'm in a bit of a slump, I'm a realist in believing that I can work my way out of the slump, just as you can.

    I don't think you should put a stopwatch or expiry date on friendship - if it's a good experience, then it's worth having regardless of its length. I don't think that cutting off contact with a person to avoid being hurt in the long run is a terribly rational choice - all relationships have the potential for pain and heartbreak, but have the bonus of being good for our happiness, our outlook and our sanity.

  3. #3

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    Friendships are a 2 way street and require both parties be willing to want to talk to each other. In your post you say several times, they stopped talking to you. Does this mean they won't initiate the convo? or they ignore you when you try to talk to them?

    I have a lot of friends online that I have gone onto eventually meet in real life, so to say it does not exist is not true. But as I said before throughout your post it sounds like you are waiting for them to make the first move. Try being the first one to say something. Something simple and direct. Example: Hey, have not talked to you in awhile, how have you been?

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by FauxPas View Post
    Friendships are a 2 way street and require both parties be willing to want to talk to each other. In your post you say several times, they stopped talking to you. Does this mean they won't initiate the convo? or they ignore you when you try to talk to them?

    I have a lot of friends online that I have gone onto eventually meet in real life, so to say it does not exist is not true. But as I said before throughout your post it sounds like you are waiting for them to make the first move. Try being the first one to say something. Something simple and direct. Example: Hey, have not talked to you in awhile, how have you been?
    No, what I meant was I contact them and they ignore me I dont expect them to make all the effort, in fact its usually me that makes all the effort.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by TeddyBearGirl View Post
    No, what I meant was I contact them and they ignore me I dont expect them to make all the effort, in fact its usually me that makes all the effort.
    They could be busy? are they in school or anything? Things like that can make internet relationships hard. I would not stress to much over it in the end.

  6. #6

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    Don't let your head down. People come and people go, and this also goes for "friends", online and irl. You can't say that there can't be online friendships in general. It's surely sad that they stopped writing in your case... but this happens. If you have fun doing this, i.e. writing/chit chatting/talking "in private", don't let this spoil your fun, I think honestly.

    At first people change... over time you or they in your case may lose interest.... this is quite common. Nothing more to talk about and if there is nothing to do, the friendship will simply fade away.
    And this is one of the difference between a normal friendship. You cannot actually do that much online. Talking.... talking and talking. Surely it's fun, but if there is not much left to talk about and if one of you is not into chit-chats?... well it get's hard.
    And people are different, some expect that a "good friendship" goes real over time. There's nothing wrong about that, it's just hard if you're separated by a big distance and of course this takes a lot of trust.

    From my experience. Mostly from gaming... I had a lot of "friends". But after we stopped at some point, simply because our life caught up with everyone step by step, after graduating... In the end we lost contact. For me it has been around 90%, and after time they're have been like ~10 people left from those times, whom I'm still talking with from time to time and some of them I've met irl ultimately. The borders become blurred simply, or even disappear, between a normal and an online friendship in this case.
    Just the same as if you wouldn't do anything with your normal friends anymore. You lose contact, you're not meeting/seeing them anymore and over time the friendship fades away.

    And by the way these so called online friendship exist since hundreds of years.... ever heard of a correspondence with a pen friend? ;)
    Principally it works the same way, kind of.

  7. #7

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    I think one of the problems with online friendship is that they can be very hard to maintain. With a friendship in real life you can go out and do things together. When I'm with my irl friends we go to cafes, and bars, and to the zoo, and hang out in the park, and visit each others houses. We're in places where different situations create new things for us to laugh and joke about, things for us to talk about. When you're online that's a lot harder. Sure, you can share links with each other, but that's still quite an individual activity. You can laugh and joke about it afterwards, but while you're reading it you're essentially separate from them. There's also a lack of physicality, in an online friendship. My friends and I touch each other. We take the mic out of each others facial expressions and gestures, all things you cannot do online.

    I've also found, that if you spend all your social time online you run out of things to talk about to your online friends. It brings me no greater joy than to hear from people I know online, telling me about the funniest thing ever that happened at the pub the other night, or whatever. The same as if I spent all my time with one person irl, I would eventually run out of things to talk about this them, and our friendship would become strained, this seems to happen a lot quicker online.

    I'd recommend that you make an effort to make some friends OFF the internet. Go out and be sociable. Take up a new hobby or learn a new skill.

    Being sociable is an art form. It's not something everyone is just good at. It takes work to be a companion to someone, both online and off.

  8. #8

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    The thing about online friendships is that they come and go very quickly, probably because the real-life events that might have made you friends with the person never happened. I have some friends IRL that I, sadly, only get to talk to about once per year, but we've remained friends for over a decade now. It's not just that we can reminisce about the old days either, but we catch up with where the other is and some of the interesting events that have happened, and we're able to chat about new things that interest us. A year in online time is an eternity. I hadn't been on this site in several months because I was very distressed and perturbed by the handling of the banning of the teens (and I was working on my capstone project to finish my master's degree), and now despite recognizing a lot of the names and the fact that my name is still in gold font, I feel like I'm starting over here. I even considered putting up a new introduction. Online, there might be common interests and interesting conversations, but I feel like the bond that might hold the friendship together is generally weaker just because of the lack of common reference points. I mean, the friends I've mentioned before and I have met each others' parents, spent time in each others' homes (albeit not necessarily in each others' current homes), eaten together, and the like. These seem like such trivial things, but I feel like those trivial things are some of the cement that helps bond IRL friendships together. They give us a common frame of reference for each other beyond "he's into anime, likes the Dragon Warrior/Quest games, and works in a pharmacy."

    Online friendships are great, but I think one has to be aware of their generally more fleeting nature. I'm sorry to hear yours hasn't worked out, and I hope that you can forge more going forward.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Talula View Post
    I think one of the problems with online friendship is that they can be very hard to maintain. With a friendship in real life you can go out and do things together. When I'm with my irl friends we go to cafes, and bars, and to the zoo, and hang out in the park, and visit each others houses. We're in places where different situations create new things for us to laugh and joke about, things for us to talk about. When you're online that's a lot harder.

    ...

    I've also found, that if you spend all your social time online you run out of things to talk about to your online friends. It brings me no greater joy than to hear from people I know online, telling me about the funniest thing ever that happened at the pub the other night, or whatever. The same as if I spent all my time with one person irl, I would eventually run out of things to talk about this them, and our friendship would become strained, this seems to happen a lot quicker online.
    These two are exactly what I came here to say!

    I've made friends here who I know personally better than some people I hang out with in person. Who I've talked to late in to the night with about all sorts of things. But while I would take a bullet for these guys, I can't exactly fly a thousand or more miles to meet them to play video games. Or go bowling or just shoot the shit over some food, like I can within 10 minutes if I call up a buddy. There's a definite barrier there. While that's a great way to meet new people, it's not conducive for a long-lasting relationship, no matter how well you get along or how well your personalities mesh.

    My advice is to not take the disconnect from your online friends so personally. It's not like you're talking to them in person and they're just stone-faced and silent! They've probably just accepted that it is a lot of work to maintain the communication, which would inevitably dwindle to awkward how-do-ya-dos every day instead of any meaningful messages, and moved on. Maybe something will bring you two together in the future, or maybe not! Just remember the good times and take what you can from the experience.

    That's not to say that all friendships and relationships will die, either! I still regularly talk to people I befriended in elementary school, and moved away when I was 6. But don't feel too bad if you get any feedback from an old online friend. Life happens.

  10. #10

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    I, for one, had no friends until I was on the internet. I have had several really good friends, quite a few people that are 'in my bubble' and even more that I do talk to from time to time who I generally get along well with. In 5 years of mostly-online friend experiences, lots of people have come and gone from those spots. Some people I used to talk to a lot a few years ago and never hear from them anymore. I know we last talked on good ground, so I doubt there would be trouble if I try to reconnect with them in the future.

    That can be important, how you leave people feeling about you as a person. If they generally like you and enjoy talking to you, then they will probably like it again in the future if they aren't too busy. It can be hard to tell what someone thinks of you through the internet though, unless they're vocal an honest about it.

    Most importantly, though, is this: you say you have no friends outside of the web. Why not?

    I used to have no friends because I was terrified of everything in the world around me. I didn't feel comfortable anywhere or with anybody. The closest I got was being alone in my bedroom, but that's an incredibly lonely life. I discovered the underlying reasons as to why I was so afraid. Figuring out what was crippling me in the past has armed me with new ways of approaching life and coping/treatment methods that can help me improve my social life. I am still an introvert with a lot of fear, but I have at least a few decent IRL friends at this point.

    It's a slow journey, but with the right help and people around you, it can be achieved.
    Wishing you the best.

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