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Thread: Just arrived

  1. #1

    Default Just arrived

    Hi, all. I recently stumbled upon this site, had a look around, and decided to jump in.
    I am a man in my upper 50's. My emotional age tends to be closer to 3. It is my goal to heal. I know that sounds like a long shot, but that's the hope. Some psyc theories allow that severe trauma during early childhood can cause emotional progress to be stunted. When I was a toddler, my parents had enough wet sheets to clean and decided to force my progress. When I woke up wet, I was beaten severely and pushed into a cold shower. Although I have no memory of this, my older brother confirmed it later. In addition, I think I was sexually molested. Again, no direct memory, but dreams and feelings point that way. Camping trips became a problem. I think something more happened when camping than when at home.

    Somehow I became dry at night for a couple of years, but started wetting again suddenly. After a year or so, my mother decided that diapers were the answer. I know I sound like a lot of other posts here, but apparently this is quite common. A couple of years later they decided on a bed alarm. A very uncomfortable device. I felt naked, and everyone in the house could hear that I wet the bed. By this time I was interested or even hooked on diapers. Over the duration of my childhood, the bedwetting came and went and diapers became more prevalent.

    Like most, I always thought I was the only person in the world that actually enjoyed wearing diapers. I did not find out until I was much older that it happens to others also.

    Worse than that was that I was not progressing emotionally to match my physical or mental age. I never learned to be a helpful child, but remained as self-centered as any three-year-old. I was afraid of everyone and everything. Wade Duck comes to mind. Intelligent but inept. Eye contact was almost impossible. Often my voice would lock up when trying to talk to a superior or a group. (Although I am not diagnosed, I do show significant signs of Aspergers.) Apparently my father wanted me to grow up and my mother wanted me to remain in babyhood. In a way, they both got their wish. I am an intelligent capable computer worker, and I am 3 years old. It's hard to be me.

    Fast forward to early 20's. I fell madly in love with a girl about my age who attended the same Christian church. I though if I was married and had that level of love available, I would no longer need diapers to soothe my mind. OK, altogether now. 1, 2, 3, ... "THAT WILL NEVER WORK!" Anyone who is thinking that way now, take my experience and don't try it. Your love must be open and honest. Diapers and Divorce both begin with "D". Somehow we have struggled through without getting to the divorce part, but we hung on the edge for decades. I was a poor husband and father. Self-centered, demanding my own way. If it wasn't my idea, it didn't get done.

    Meanwhile, on her side in childhood, she was Cinderella in her own home. Hated by her parents, despised by her siblings, she also became emotionally stunted at about 1 year. She was always in great pain if she thought others held something against her, or took something from her. She decided that I wore diapers because I wanted to inflict pain on her, so I became the object of her pain.
    Ten or twelve years ago someone gave us a book entitled "God's Crippled Children -- Emotional Healing for Hurting Christians". We both devoured it. It encouraged us to face the attacks which have been put upon us and learn to forgive the attackers. A very long and hard process, but it is paying off. She actually spent over a year crying about those things and dealing with them. Wake up crying, cry all day, go to bed crying, cry in her sleep, wake up and start again. I listened day after day for hours at a time to her stories of pain. Sometimes the same story repeated each day for many days running. It was a process. As she came out of it, she has made great strides in emotional healing. She no longer fears what other think of her. She is becoming much more settled and confident.

    Then it became my turn. I have been facing the childhood, experiencing the childhood, dealing with the things that happened. As a child, I wear diapers at night. I allow myself to remember the fear and the feelings. I strive to make myself much more giving. I am willing to do whatever she asks. Sometimes she asks who am I and what did I do with the strange guy she married. She does not take the role of mommy, but is willing to ask more of me so I can work through it. It is a difficult process. I have made good progress, but have a long way to go. Sometimes I feel as if I have been bowled over by a large wave in the surf, being pushed and pulled in all directions at once. Also note in this context, babies don't have sex. Nuff said.

    OK, off the subject. I know the first thing you want to ask is what else do I do. Have you ever seen a Civil War Reenactment? If not, google that phrase and take a look. I am one of those guys you see out there putting on the show. I've been doing it for several years. A bunch of adults get to gather and have a cap gun fight like kids, but firing black powder blanks. Lots of noise and smoke. The Civil War is a big part of American history, but is passed over in school studies in a couple of paragraphs. Sometimes schools send a bus load of kids out to watch. Sometimes we send a group to the school. We learn all sorts of historical bits to tell. Here's a sample: At the time of the Civil War, army boots were made one way. No right or left, just a boot. Over time, when worn consistently, they tended to conform to the foot. So it was best for the soldier to make sure he got the same boot on the same foot each morning. To do this, they established a method of standing the right boot upright and laying the left boot over on its side. Hence the origin of the term "Right Side Up".

  2. #2


    Quote Originally Posted by BlueGrey View Post
    *snip snip*

    Hey it's nice to meet you and see you on the site, I'm certain your experiences can help many members here.

    I'm sorry to hear about all your troubles in life, but a lesson learned makes one much more wise and careful in their lives (That's a good thing).

    So, It was hard to gather together your hobbies from this post, it's a really great lifestory but we love to know more information about who you are now! Doing civil war reenactment sounds like fun, I did enjoy LARPing when I do that (once a year!).

    Any other hobbies?

    What about your favourite TV show?

    I'm a speedcuber myself, probably the main thing I focus on right now. I'm also working to (re)learn Japanese! Such a fun language!

    My favourite TV show right now, it's such a tough decision but I would have to go with Bates Motel; has been an excellent series thus far.

    Hope to hear back from you soon!

    - Lobie

  3. #3


    Yes, I hope we can all learn from each other and improve our lives.

    I have done some video work in the past and am looking at getting into it more. Learning chormakey (green screen), and wondering what projects I could make of it.

    I think my the one TV show I wait for more than the others is Big Bang Theory. Each of us in my family tries to decide which character most acts like whom in our family.

    If you have done a LARP once a year, I would guess Renaissance Fair.

  4. #4


    I thought you articulate and pretty healthy given what you've been through. I would say you're well right of healing and just the other side of fun. How many in our lives get to play the way you do. It's a pleasure meeting you. Funny about the boots by the way, and remember, few of us ever really escape childhood.

    Mary Beth

  5. #5


    Quote Originally Posted by BlueGrey View Post
    Yes, I hope we can all learn from each other and improve our lives.

    I have done some video work in the past and am looking at getting into it more. Learning chormakey (green screen), and wondering what projects I could make of it.

    I think my the one TV show I wait for more than the others is Big Bang Theory. Each of us in my family tries to decide which character most acts like whom in our family.

    If you have done a LARP once a year, I would guess Renaissance Fair.
    Cool, film editing is neat! I've only done a little bit of that though.

    Haha, BBT is so wonderful! Everyone just says I'm Sheldon, although; I don't see it.

    I LARPed at a convention actually, close I suppose :P

    - Lobie

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