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Thread: Distressing Memory: Opinions?

  1. #1

    Default Distressing Memory: Opinions?

    Hey guys, haven't really been on this forum in a long time, but I think people here might be able to help with this.

    I have a memory from my childhood that I have had for a really long time that is kind of disturbing for me. I know this memory is real because I have had it for a very long time and I've had it in journals that I have been keeping from a very young age...

    When I was in kindergarten (about age 5) I remember being on my parents bed wearing a diaper. My dad was there saying something about how I needed to take it off and such. He left and came back into the room with a camera and took some pictures and told me that he was going to show them to everyone at my school. I wasn't wearing any other clothing, and was possibly naked....

    I've always looked back at this and thought it was innocent enough, but lately I am more disturbed by this along with some other things I've noticed with my dad.


    I was reading one of my textbooks on child & adolescent psychology and in particular the child / child sexual abuse section led to a general discussion on the issue with my father. During the conversation he said "Well you were never sexually abused, right?" and I'm going on intuition here, but the way he said it was just really odd. Another thing is that my dad constantly jokes about things like having sex with young boys, to put that into context if he wanted to say something negative about someone he would say "(that person) probably likes young boys." My dad tends to joke in this way when he is nervous about his own behavior, for example he will yell at the family dog and say "He thinks I'm going to abuse him or beat him or something, he's such a pussy."

    I have been really stressed about this (and other things) lately and have had stressed induced vomiting for the past 5 days. I guess I might just be reading things in that aren't really there, as I've been around a lot of other people who have been sexually abused and this can cause distress in me as well. So I'm just looking for some opinions and input on this. Anything you have to say will be appreciated, thanks for your help.

    (Sorry for being so long)

  2. #2
    CrinklySiren

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    What do you aim to do about all this? if you dont mind me asking

    to make a comment on your dads responses to things: i use to be the same way... only i would say it in a "id never do that" kind of way, i would always tell myself "oh i could never dress like a girl" or "i could never be convinced to do this or that" and in the end it ended up being that i was too afraid to admit that i fell into those parameters... so i dont wanna make your mind race or anything but its a very legitimate worry to think that his responses are just related to the fear of either being found out or coming to accept something

  3. #3

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    @ZooeySis


    Quote Originally Posted by ZooeySis View Post
    What do you aim to do about all this? if you dont mind me asking
    Honestly it's way to long ago and no matter what happens I'm not going to go away from my father. People do really stupid stuff and my parents have been really abusive in the past, but it's who they are now that really matters.

    With respect to finding out, that not what I'm really concerned about here. I live in an apartment right now and actually haven't engaged in any of the adult baby type behaviors for quite some time. My dad doesn't particularly like the fact that I have hello kitty, ni hao kai lan, pokemon, etc. hanging on the walls and on my bed in my room, but even so it's not really a big issue.

    I'm still really childish and have many female preferences and such, but I'm not really into the whole diapers thing anymore. I'm very comfortable with who I am though, and if my father did find out (which my mom already did) I wouldn't really care, except for the fact that he invaded my privacy (which my parents also routinely do).

  4. #4
    CrinklySiren

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Becute View Post
    @ZooeySis


    Honestly it's way to long ago and no matter what happens I'm not going to go away from my father. People do really stupid stuff and my parents have been really abusive in the past, but it's who they are now that really matters.

    With respect to finding out, that not what I'm really concerned about here. I live in an apartment right now and actually haven't engaged in any of the adult baby type behaviors for quite some time. My dad doesn't particularly like the fact that I have hello kitty, ni hao kai lan, pokemon, etc. hanging on the walls and on my bed in my room, but even so it's not really a big issue.

    I'm still really childish and have many female preferences and such, but I'm not really into the whole diapers thing anymore. I'm very comfortable with who I am though, and if my father did find out (which my mom already did) I wouldn't really care, except for the fact that he invaded my privacy (which my parents also routinely do).
    So (forgive me if i sound like a dick, im not trying to be) what is it that you are asking here? Like what kind of response or advice are you looking for in this post I'd be happy to help but im not exactly sure whether you are asking for help or just wanted a place to vent or wanted to see if there were others with similar experiences.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by ZooeySis View Post
    So (forgive me if i sound like a dick, im not trying to be) what is it that you are asking here? Like what kind of response or advice are you looking for in this post I'd be happy to help but im not exactly sure whether you are asking for help or just wanted a place to vent or wanted to see if there were others with similar experiences.
    I guess what I'm asking is: What happened? Was it misguided parenting? or was it something else? I'm not really sure whether this might be borderline with sexual abuse, and that my dad might have taken naked pictures of me is my concern. If someone had similar experiences that would help too.

    I'm also not really comfortable bringing this whole issue up with anybody else. Since my future career goals involve psychology and music therapy with children and adolescents I don't want anybody to associate me having an interest in diapers (past or present) with some type of pedophilia or such (which I am fully aware that I am asexual, and have never had a sexual attraction towards children).

    Certianly this is also affecting my stress levels right now and I feel like getting some feedback on it might help with all the stress I'm feeling right now, and the co morbid feelings of dissociation that are part of an ongoing challenge with anxiety.

  6. #6
    CrinklySiren

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    Well i cant say i've experienced what you have, but what i can say is that if the only reason you dont want to use diapers anymore is because of your career, then you must surely understand that what you do in the comfort of your own home is no one elses business but yours and it shouldnt effect your career in any way... just make sure you dont bring it up because honestly it doesnt need to be brought up unless you are telling your life-partner. Also, maybe you should just talk to a psychologist about these feelings of stress and find ways to cope with it. I honestly cant tell you whether it was misguided parenting or sexual abuse but a psychologist can unless you feel like you can deal with it on your own :P sorry i cant be of much help

  7. #7

    Default

    Thanks for your help!

    I'm not really deengaging (can't find better word) in diapers because of career choice, more just because I don't get the same feeling anymore. I just find that I like other things about being childish and young like the plushies, clothes, posters, art, coloring, and such to be the best part of acting young (and diapers are expensive as well).

    I'll probably speak to my therapist about this when I see her in a week. I did today but I didn't really feel like getting into specifics.

    Update:
    and well the other reason I might be turned off by this stuff is that it can be so sexual. I've had sex many times and participated in all sorts of activities, but I'm kind of disgusted by it right now. I have nothing wrong with people who are an adult baby, a clopper (MLP), or being a furry but it just seems to me that these communities can be so sexual and that's what can really turn me off.

    tl;dr rule 34 destroyed my innocence and now I can't even enjoy things like MLP

  8. #8

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    Well Not sure about sexually abused but it sounds like you where mentally abused. I know where I live. If 1 or 2 parents are fighting screaming and yelling and the child can hear it. It a type of child abuse. But 10 to 30 years ago the laws might have been different.

  9. #9

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    The problem with phantom memories is that we never know if they are real or not. If there was only that one incident with your dad, I would let it go. It's not unusual for parents to take weird pictures of their kids. One year when I was young, maybe 8 years old, I went trick or treating dressed up as a very convincing girl, make up, wig, dress and perhaps some other girl undergarments, I can't remember. I'm sure my mom took pictures. I don't have a problem with it as I actually wanted this.

    I have plenty of memories of being sexually abused by other older boys, and I guess we can see why. I was living in the same community, which was very small. Therapy can help you dump either real memories, and vague feelings which seem to be haunting you like ghosts. I have used my writing to deal with my painful memories.

    I think you must realize that most people are sexual creatures, myself included. Many will attach sexual references to MLP, furries, diapers, etc. It's how we're wired. You may change your attitudes and desires as you mature. I changed a great deal over the years. Try to keep an open mind, but both eyes wide open as well. Answers will eventually come to you.

  10. #10

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    Hello
    As I read this thread I look at my own experience and then remember that "the time frame" is also important to look at.
    If I am reading this right it was the late '90. The whole "diversity" opinion was still very young and the "Hard as Man and Caring Woman" mentality was being undermined.
    So things still occurred, i.e. To be ridiculed about my weight by someone in there 60's was not except able, but no one was going to jump in and say stop.
    So assuming that your patients where products of the 70's they probably where of the belief that "teasing" you by word or with a camera was OK to impress the error in your way.
    Yes it is mental abuse, but back then it was "OK".

    That is (IMO) why therapy becomes so hard to deal with. You were hurt and it effected your mental self image, but the one hurting you is not going to see it as a hurt, so you have to shoulder the burden of do I care this around with me or do I come to an understanding and drop the "baggage" at the side of the road and move forward.

    I hope this helps.

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