I'm trying to figure out something which I think is at the heart of my experience of being DL: the feelings/emotions that I get when I'm going through a strong DL phase.
who knows maybe this will hit home with some of you guys too
bear with me, I'm British and we're renowned for being hopeless at comfortably sharing our feelings without embarrassment...!
Every now and again I get a feeling like needing the loo (always a #2) but with this kind of emotional surge in my heart - like a flutter. I associate this experience with wanting to wear nappies. 'Sounds like the binge/purge/shame/etc. thing', you might think; but I don't feel shame anymore and I don't need to purge anymore. I wear about once a week I'd say. My partner is cool with it. It's not her cup of tea but she doesn't have a problem with it and I make sure not to gross her out in the process...
What I think is that something has been carried over from when I was very little. what I remember is that my nanny was young and - if my memory serves me correctly - pretty rubbish at potty training. Her method with me was generally one of impatience... I get the sense that I was intimidated into holding on for the loo when I was being potty trained and that, somewhere along the line, this sense of stigma became powerful. Nappies represented a kind of opposite to this: a release. I knew where I stood in them, suddenly I had this pressure to stop wearing them and I didn't like it.
To this day, I still get these kind of moments where I have this feeling (as described above) manifest as: "should I wear/shouldn't I wear tonight/today?" etc. and it's the worst. It makes me feel sad and stressed and confused. Take just now for example. My other half was in the bath and she takes a damn long time in there! Since I can't use the loo while she's in there I kind of contemplated wearing today but the argument went back and forth: "oh I only wore yesterday", "oh they're expensive", "oh I don't really like wearing around her, I don't want to over-do it" etc.
It usually passes. As it turns out, I didn't wear. I'm getting this a lot though right now. These days I'm free to wear whenever I like pretty much and I can afford to keep a regular stash but I guess old habits die hard and, for me, this is part of the attraction/repulsion of being DL.
Anyone know what I'm talking about?