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Thread: Older and Single?

  1. #1

    Default Older and Single?

    So I'm posing this question(s) to the older members here who currently are, or have remained single. Those of you who don't have a partner, special someone, or are currently involved in a relationship.

    How do you manage being alone, or the loneliness that comes with it? Do you wish that there was someone you can call yours? Someone to come home to every day and listen to you. Someone to share all your life experiences with, from having a nice meal at a restaurant to more major events like holidays. Have you completely shut out the idea of a relationship?

    Even for someone like myself who is adverse about relationships, I still maintain a number of close personal friendships that give me most of the fulfilment that I require. But there is always a longing to be with another person more intimately. Someone I see and care for every day. Whilst I haven't found that certain so-and-so yet, I maintain some level of optimism and always keep my door open.

  2. #2

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    This is a tough question for me to answer in a forum. I think it would be tough anywhere but particularly difficult in this static environment. A few years ago, I could have answered that it's a matter of being comfortable with myself and being able to fully immerse myself in various interests. That's part of the story but I think what it misses out is a big part of the answer to your question, but also terrible advice to pursue. How have I lived alone for close to twenty years and not been miserable? I didn't fall in love. This is not to say that I don't love people. My family and friends are very important to me and I love them dearly but I hadn't ever fallen in love and I think that was the dark matter in my particular universe holding it all together.

    I'm still alone. I'm still not generally lonely. However, now that I know what I'm missing, I'm looking for a change in the status quo and it has disrupted that happy balance that existed previously. I don't know what to tell you since at least right now, I'd rather have the sense of that missing thing and the pain that it brings than where I was before. I'm less happy but perhaps a bit more human for it. I'll keep looking.

  3. #3

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    My story as short as possible. I was aquired at best as a kid. Being from a family of 4 boys, with a church lady mother and a red neck father, I had no CLass when it came to interacting girls. I did not deal with rejection well and having been told I was nothing but a dirt farmer or too strainge several times I just gave up. This would be a good point to interject that I was deffinately bingeing and purging about my diapers and suffering from depression at the same time. I finished School and focused intirely on my jobs. Second interjection; One job was taking over the family farm and using it to build a very nice shell to hide in. It was when I was well into therapy and one day that I realized that I was having to help my mother dress and I had nothing for my future. At that time a new radio station in our area was running E-Harmoney adds frequently that I talked to my therapist about trying it. Third interjection; My mother had convinced me that dating services were for losers, my therapist short of slapping me said that no it is an excellent venue for people like me.

    I signed up on 3-3-04. I was introduced to 135 ladies. I learned that some are going to say NO, and that I will Say NO. That is OK! I got to talk to 9 of them and at the end I had 3 ladies talking to me at one time, which made me very uncomfortable. Any way I was introduced to my wonderful wife on 4-28-04, we went through the process, and I asked her to marry me on 5-28-04. The rest has been fantastic.

    So to sum up the answer to the question as I understand it. No I did not fell "lonely", but there was an empty void that I keep attempting to fill with work.

    I hope this helps.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by Oateson View Post
    Have you completely shut out the idea of a relationship?
    yep

    don't get me wrong, i love the idea of being married with children, but the whole thing just isn't compatible with me on an emotional level. not to mention the economics of it all: i'll never be able to provide for a family (not without being poverty, anyway).
    it was a long and tortuous road to this conclusion, but a saving grace lies within another of my tortures: my inherent selfishness as a DL means that i don't want to share myself with anybody else.

    of course, maybe one day that will all change, if, as and when i change.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by Trevor View Post
    This is a tough question for me to answer in a forum. I think it would be tough anywhere but particularly difficult in this static environment. A few years ago, I could have answered that it's a matter of being comfortable with myself and being able to fully immerse myself in various interests. That's part of the story but I think what it misses out is a big part of the answer to your question, but also terrible advice to pursue. How have I lived alone for close to twenty years and not been miserable? I didn't fall in love. This is not to say that I don't love people. My family and friends are very important to me and I love them dearly but I hadn't ever fallen in love and I think that was the dark matter in my particular universe holding it all together.

    I'm still alone. I'm still not generally lonely. However, now that I know what I'm missing, I'm looking for a change in the status quo and it has disrupted that happy balance that existed previously. I don't know what to tell you since at least right now, I'd rather have the sense of that missing thing and the pain that it brings than where I was before. I'm less happy but perhaps a bit more human for it. I'll keep looking.
    It's optimistic to hear that at such a stable time in life there's still opportunity to change. I know people never stop developing, although I would have thought by middle-life people would be set in their ways, with only minor changes here and there. I guess sometimes the ultimate discomfort is comfort itself, and when life gets too static people change their ways. At least for me I'm prompted into action only when things get too burdensome, otherwise I live in an almost permanent state of mediocrity with few disturbances.

    All the best to you!




    Quote Originally Posted by ade View Post
    yep

    don't get me wrong, i love the idea of being married with children, but the whole thing just isn't compatible with me on an emotional level. not to mention the economics of it all: i'll never be able to provide for a family (not without being poverty, anyway).
    it was a long and tortuous road to this conclusion, but a saving grace lies within another of my tortures: my inherent selfishness as a DL means that i don't want to share myself with anybody else.

    of course, maybe one day that will all change, if, as and when i change.
    This I could understand! Although I'm still young myself, and I have a lot of growing room, I don't think I'm in any sort of emotional position to be with someone. Any potential partner would be getting themselves in with someone who is emotionally unavailable. Not very fair for them!

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