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Thread: Mother's Day looms

  1. #1

    Default Mother's Day looms

    I love my husband with all my heart, but I have grown to dread Mother's Day.

    My AB/DL husband was severely abused from a young age. He has not spoken with his mother outside of a court room since 2003, when child services removed his siblings from her. He has since moved on with his life, but every year on Mother's Day he has a sort of episodic emotional break down. One of the worst one's is when we went out to dinner after the birth of our son, in which he embarrassed me publicly by acting openly disgusted and complaining loudly, saying he didn't see why we were making "such a big deal over me just because I had a baby" and other such comments, while we were waiting for a table at a restaurant; instead of eating, we left with me in tears.

    Anything can trigger it, regardless of a logical reason, last year it was a disagreement over the color of something (he's partially color blind) and he got REALLY angry when I (apparently) overly insisted on the item's correct color. It ended up with me having nervous breakdown, and I was suicidal but I kept it to myself. My best friend knows about this, and he still has a relationship with his father, and each year when this happens his father and my friend points out that my husband's angry emotional blow-ups are pretty much a regular occurrence on or around Mother's Day and certainly not about me. By now, I have to agree this is kind of a "no-duh".

    So, as Mother's Day approaches, I find myself tensing up, scared, and bracing in anticipation for whatever may happen. Last year my best friend, his father and step mother all suggested (in separate conversations) that we should do everything possible to ignore Mother's Day from now on and try to let it pass by quietly with as little mention as possible. His dad was particularly sorrowful, telling me that I was a wonderful woman and it was terrible that my husband's love for me couldn't overcome the (understandable) hatred he has for his mother, but that was that.

    Still, Mother's Day advertising is everywhere. We have small children, one who is school age, who will most certainly be encouraged to honor me. I wonder if he will blow up again this year, and if there is anything I can do that's more proactive than just pretending that Mother's Day does not exist. Also, I can't help but feel conflicted and pretty depressed about it too. Especially since he's a AB/DL, as his caretaker... taking the brunt of his anti-mother hate fueled anger it seems to feel like an extra punch in the gut.

    Should I try talking to my husband about Mother's Day, or quietly give my husband the benefit of the doubt this year? I worried that if I DO try to talk to my husband, he will get the defensive and or/angry, and give me the usual: "How long are you going to hold that over my head!" response, followed by a bunch of him pouting and/or being angry and/or depression. I don't like feeling this way, I'm worried I'm going to something myself to push him over the edge. I hate feeling like it's wrong to want to enjoy Mother's Day.

    I should point out that this isn't my husband's overall behavior. He can and be (and often is) really sweet and wonderful, and is no where near as volatile as he used to be. This kind of thing happens maybe every few months. As time goes by, and his memories of his abuse grow more distant, it is less and less frequent, and he is more and more reasonable as a whole, and he IS getting better. The progress is slow, but sure. But... sometimes I wonder, as I feel like I don't ever get a sincere apology about the bad things in which he wasn't super defensive and/or angry... that many of my own wounds have never fully healed.

    I have hope that there may be, MAYBE, a possible chance of resolving this some how. I'd like to believe that I too am getting better, but there sometimes, like now, where I feel like a nervous wreck. Yes, professional counseling is order, but Mother's Day is next weekend... usually the rest of the summer goes by pretty quietly once we pass this hump. I *almost* worked up the courage to talk about it with him last night, but wasn't able to. I did talk to him about how I'd been on ADISC more lately, asking for advice and getting what I felt was pretty useful information, information I wish both of us had had long ago. He said he didn't like me airing his dirty laundry out online, even in anonymous forums, so I was torn about even writing this. I don't where I'm supposed to turn for possible answers if not here...

    Should I try talking about this with his dad? Or should I leave it alone entirely, and hope for the best?
    Last edited by Sumomoko; 03-May-2013 at 17:00.

  2. #2

    Default

    As if you don't have enough on your plate already Sumomoko!

    Im drawn to your posts.

    Perhaps its as if i can feel the emotions you feel when you write them...

    Your husband is emotionally hurting you alot though.

    That restaurant incident is another insensitive thing he has done that personally angers me.

    This guy need to wake the hell up!

    Mothers day is for all mothers.

    You have kids who love you, (their mother), and you too have a mother.

    It feels like anything he doesn't approve of is his way of the highway.

    Now yes i understand he was abused, heck i was bullied as a child because i was genetically a string bean and my childhood years was a living hell.

    However thats in the past and issues and experiences shape us mold us and make us the people we are today, for better or worse.

    We cannot use it as an excuse for inappropriate/inconsiderate or insensitive behavior.

    This behavior never to be used as an excuse although, i can understand how it can shape a persons personality.

    I say celebrate mothers day, and leave you hubbys mom out of this.
    This will do more harm then good especially as i get a better idea of how your husband reacts under certain stressors.

    Sumomoko, i send you light and positivity and want you to be happy.

    You need to get selfish now and your needs must be met!

  3. #3

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Luckyfish View Post
    As if you don't have enough on your plate already Sumomoko!

    Im drawn to your posts. Perhaps its as if i can feel the emotions you feel when you write them...
    Thanks, Luckyfish! I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.



    Quote Originally Posted by Luckyfish View Post
    Your husband is emotionally hurting you alot though. That restaurant incident is another insensitive thing he has done that personally angers me. This guy need to wake the hell up!
    Well, the restaurant thing happened many years ago, it was an example. Unfortunately, it is still true, but as I said, things have gotten quite A LOT better.



    Quote Originally Posted by Luckyfish View Post
    Mothers day is for all mothers. You have kids who love you, (their mother), and you too have a mother. It feels like anything he doesn't approve of is his way of the highway.

    Now yes i understand he was abused, heck i was bullied as a child because i was genetically a string bean and my childhood years was a living hell. However thats in the past and issues and experiences shape us mold us and make us the people we are today, for better or worse.

    We cannot use it as an excuse for inappropriate/inconsiderate or insensitive behavior. This behavior never to be used as an excuse although, i can understand how it can shape a persons personality.
    I know that Mother's Day is supposed be for all mother's (at least the good one's, I hope, and I'd like to believe I am a good one---in many respects) which is why their advice last year bothered me so much. But, it passed and I didn't have to worry about it again until now.



    Quote Originally Posted by Luckyfish View Post
    I say celebrate mothers day, and leave you hubbys mom out of this. This will do more harm then good especially as i get a better idea of how your husband reacts under certain stressors.

    Sumomoko, i send you light and positivity and want you to be happy. You need to get selfish now and your needs must be met!
    After your response, I was brave enough to talk to my husband. Not about this specifically, but that while he has made great strides in growing his emotional intelligence, I had become worn down and somewhat fragile emotionally in bearing it all. I told him that I that I really needed to hear, sometimes often, reassurances to help me feel at ease.

    And not because I wanted to believe he wouldn't ever hurt me again (because he's human, he will make mistakes) but because I needed to believe that he understood how and why I was hurt previously, in order to possibly prevent mistakes that might otherwise occur.

    We also had a long talk about diapers some more, related to one of my previous posts, and I reassured him that diapers are not really at all the core issue at hand, and were just fine so long as I didn't feel like I was competing with them, and that he didn't push me when I felt apprehensive or afraid.

    All in all, the talk went really well. I decided I'm going to "let things ride" so to speak for Mother's Day, without touching on it directly. I had surgery to correct a sports injury a couple of weeks ago, and he really turned up the sugar while he took care of me, so much so that I let him *really* take care of me while I recovered. We did have one argument during that time, and as far as arguments go it went kind of well.

    I think as time goes on and the abuse fades, and as we both get better with communicating with each other it's getting better. I think the Mother's Day thing got kind of hardwired into both of us (his outrage, my apprehension) but we both want things to be better than this. '

    Again, thank you Luckyfish. For me sometimes even the smallest encouragements can make a great deal of difference.

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