I love my husband with all my heart, but I have grown to dread Mother's Day.
My AB/DL husband was severely abused from a young age. He has not spoken with his mother outside of a court room since 2003, when child services removed his siblings from her. He has since moved on with his life, but every year on Mother's Day he has a sort of episodic emotional break down. One of the worst one's is when we went out to dinner after the birth of our son, in which he embarrassed me publicly by acting openly disgusted and complaining loudly, saying he didn't see why we were making "such a big deal over me just because I had a baby" and other such comments, while we were waiting for a table at a restaurant; instead of eating, we left with me in tears.
Anything can trigger it, regardless of a logical reason, last year it was a disagreement over the color of something (he's partially color blind) and he got REALLY angry when I (apparently) overly insisted on the item's correct color. It ended up with me having nervous breakdown, and I was suicidal but I kept it to myself. My best friend knows about this, and he still has a relationship with his father, and each year when this happens his father and my friend points out that my husband's angry emotional blow-ups are pretty much a regular occurrence on or around Mother's Day and certainly not about me. By now, I have to agree this is kind of a "no-duh".
So, as Mother's Day approaches, I find myself tensing up, scared, and bracing in anticipation for whatever may happen. Last year my best friend, his father and step mother all suggested (in separate conversations) that we should do everything possible to ignore Mother's Day from now on and try to let it pass by quietly with as little mention as possible. His dad was particularly sorrowful, telling me that I was a wonderful woman and it was terrible that my husband's love for me couldn't overcome the (understandable) hatred he has for his mother, but that was that.
Still, Mother's Day advertising is everywhere. We have small children, one who is school age, who will most certainly be encouraged to honor me. I wonder if he will blow up again this year, and if there is anything I can do that's more proactive than just pretending that Mother's Day does not exist. Also, I can't help but feel conflicted and pretty depressed about it too. Especially since he's a AB/DL, as his caretaker... taking the brunt of his anti-mother hate fueled anger it seems to feel like an extra punch in the gut.
Should I try talking to my husband about Mother's Day, or quietly give my husband the benefit of the doubt this year? I worried that if I DO try to talk to my husband, he will get the defensive and or/angry, and give me the usual: "How long are you going to hold that over my head!" response, followed by a bunch of him pouting and/or being angry and/or depression. I don't like feeling this way, I'm worried I'm going to something myself to push him over the edge. I hate feeling like it's wrong to want to enjoy Mother's Day.
I should point out that this isn't my husband's overall behavior. He can and be (and often is) really sweet and wonderful, and is no where near as volatile as he used to be. This kind of thing happens maybe every few months. As time goes by, and his memories of his abuse grow more distant, it is less and less frequent, and he is more and more reasonable as a whole, and he IS getting better. The progress is slow, but sure. But... sometimes I wonder, as I feel like I don't ever get a sincere apology about the bad things in which he wasn't super defensive and/or angry... that many of my own wounds have never fully healed.
I have hope that there may be, MAYBE, a possible chance of resolving this some how. I'd like to believe that I too am getting better, but there sometimes, like now, where I feel like a nervous wreck. Yes, professional counseling is order, but Mother's Day is next weekend... usually the rest of the summer goes by pretty quietly once we pass this hump. I *almost* worked up the courage to talk about it with him last night, but wasn't able to. I did talk to him about how I'd been on ADISC more lately, asking for advice and getting what I felt was pretty useful information, information I wish both of us had had long ago. He said he didn't like me airing his dirty laundry out online, even in anonymous forums, so I was torn about even writing this. I don't where I'm supposed to turn for possible answers if not here...
Should I try talking about this with his dad? Or should I leave it alone entirely, and hope for the best?