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Thread: How to Tell Your Partner about Your AB/DLism (Advice from a non-AB/DL partner)

  1. #1

    Default How to Tell Your Partner about Your AB/DLism (Advice from a non-AB/DL partner)

    Hi everyone, I was supposed to post this in a thread way back in like November, but after working on it I decided I would just do a separate post. Iíve seen a lot of posts about deciding about whether or not to tell people about being an AB/DL, and it always generates a fair bit of discussion. I myself am not an AB/DL, I was introduced to the community by my boyfriend about three years ago after he told me that he was a DL after we had been dating for about a year.
    So this post is about my perspective (a partnerís) on your significant other (he goes by Alpha on ADISC) Ďcoming outí so to speak. Iíve broken it down into basic Ďpartsí of finding out your partner is a DL: Who, what, why, how, and where/when. Fair warning, this will be long. And I apologize in advance for any typos.

    Things to remember:
    1.Donít lie.
    2.Chances are your partner will not react positively initially
    3.These are general guidelines.
    4.Iím not a psychologist, psychiatrist or a licensed councilor. Treat my advice accordingly.

    Who is item number one because it is the first thing that went through my mind. I had been dating Alpha for about a year and we were a pretty Ďnormalí couple, and I thought I had a good idea of who I was dating. One of the major things in our relationship has always been to be truthful, and one night I asked him if there was anything he hadnít told me about himself. After some discussion, he told me that he enjoyed wearing diapers.

    Cue the record skipping sound.

    Iíll be honest; I was not understanding at first. The first three thoughts in my head were:
    #1. Diapers are for babies
    #2. Oh gawd what does this mean psychologically about him
    #3. Has he ever worn diapers around me?

    In the span of about 30 seconds my image of my boyfriend was turned on its head. My masculine and relatively traditional boyfriend was suddenly into wearing diapers, and in my mind diapers correlated directly to babies.
    NOW the important thing is that even though I felt momentarily like I was dealing with a whole new person itís not true. He was the same guy I knew and loved, but the shock of finding out put me in a tailspin. Unfortunately my first questions were if he had seen anyone about this and if he had ever tried to quit. For the next few weeks my attitude didnít really improve. It wasnít an Ďitís me or the diapersí sort of thing, but he knew I was uncomfortable with it.
    It would be a good 2 months before I wore one with him.

    Basically there is a pretty good chance that when you tell people about being AB/DL people are going to think differently about you. Itís up to you to be understanding of that and to not get overly defensive or to try and dump everything at once. Let your partner ask questions instead of preparing a monologue because I can guarantee a lot of people wonít really be listening to your explanation; instead theyíll probably be trying to rationalize whatís going on in their own minds. I would also recommend assuring your partner that this is part of who you are, but not something that totally defines you. You still like everything you did before, you still love your partner (enough to trust them with your secret) and that above all else you are the same person. Some people juggle geese, some people enjoy wearing diapers.

    One of the biggest questions faced by partners when they find out their significant others are AB/DL is what an adult baby or diaper lover exactly is. ADISC is a good resource, so is this graphic:
    The biggest no-no is just telling your partner that your are AB/DL then not explaining any further, leaving them to try and find information out on the internet on their own. This is a bad plan. Go ahead and plug adult baby or diaper lover into google and take a look at the first web and image results. Unfortunately it isnít pretty. It could be really difficult to undo the negative perceptions that your partner might pick up from what they find on their own.
    A much better idea, and something Iím very glad Alpha did, is help me find information while managing to steer me away from unsavory websites. When you tell your partner about your AB/DLism, be ready to answer a lot of questions and be willing to help your partner find the answers theyíre looking for. Some questions might seem accusatory (ďAre adult babies pedophiles?Ē) or insulting (ďHave you ever seen anybody about this?Ē<- Iím personally guilty of this one) but they need to be answered if you want to have your partner more comfortable with your AB/DLism. Remember, while youíve been a AB/DL for years, your partner probably didnít know about the community until you told them so what might be obvious to you is not to them. If you act defensive or get angry with your partner you risk severing a vital line of communication.
    Finally, once youíve given your partner an overall view of AB/DLism, you need to let them know what being an AB/DL means to you specifically. For example, are you pure AB or DL or a combination, how long have you been an AB/DL, or what you specifically enjoy doing. This will inevitably lead to the question of:

    Not being a DL myself I originally did not understand why someone would choose to wear diapers recreationally. From what Iíve read here on ADISC, for a lot of people it is just something they feel driven to do, for some it is a way to relax, and for others it is a combination. I know though that a lot of AB/DLís donít know who to explain why they enjoy or feel the need to do what they do.

    Unfortunately that isnít gonna fly here.

    This can be a pitfall when trying to explain this side yourself to a non-AB/DL partner. Very few people are going to have heard of the AB/DL community (those that have it usually have not seen a positive portrayal). A problem I had before I accepted my partnerís DLism is that because he couldnít give me clean cut answers as to why, I felt like he didnít need to do it if it made me uncomfortable. There are a lot of Ďtangibleí reasons your partner might throw in your face to try and convince you to stop being an AB/DL. Iím not providing this list to be cruel or argue against being AB/DL, but instead to maybe help you prepare for what you might face.

    ĎLogicalí reasons
    -Diapers and AB supplies can be expensive
    -Itís unsanitary/gross
    -You donít need to do it (if you arenít incontinent)

    Emotional appeals
    -You arenít a baby, why do you act like one?
    -Whatís wrong with you?
    -Attacks on your masculinity if you are a male
    -Why would you do something that makes me feel uncomfortable/upset?
    -Implying that you arenít a fit partner because they would have to Ďbabyí you
    -Saying everything was fine before you told them about your AB/DLism

    So before you decide to tell your partner, think of a way to explain why you wear diapers or enjoy having a pacifier. Iím more familiar with DLism so Iíll use that as an example. Come up with a list of when you like to go padded. Are there certain situations that make you want to go padded more? If you do it when you are stressed for example, does it help you relax and be more productive?
    If your AB/DLism has a sexual side, donít lie about that. If your partner asks you need to be honest. And if you are uncomfortable talking about sexual things with your partner, you might want to consider if you are in a serious enough relationship to warrant telling them. Everyone is different, and there are always exceptions, but lying to your partner about an aspect of your AB/DLism is a bad plan 99.99% of the time. It can seem like it might be easier to commit the sin of omission when describing why you are an AB/DL because it might make seem like it will make you seem Ďmoreí normal, but telling your partner a half truth will only come back to bite you.

    How will this affect your relationship.

    There is a wide spectrum of possibilities, but here are a few general outcomes:
    -#1 Your partner ends the relationship
    -#2 Your partner stays, but insists that you keep your AB/DLism to yourself
    -#3 Your partner accepts the AB/DLism but refuses to participate
    -#4 Your partner accepts the AB/DLism and participates with you

    #1. Iíll be honest. Confessing to your partner about being an AB/DL might be the straw that breaks the back of your relationship. Or it might be an excuse your partner uses to break things off even though something else is at fault. If you read any of the many threads where ADISC members discuss having told their partners it becomes clear that not everyone reacts positively. This is something you have to come to terms with before telling your partner. If it comes down to a choice between them and your AB/DLism, it is worthwhile to think about what your response will be beforehand.

    #2. Something I was surprised to see when I joined ADISC is how many people are with someone who knows about their AB/DLism and stays in the relationship but refuses to accept it. This is the sort of scenario where someone is only allowed to go padded or have regression play when their partner isnít home. This is better than nothing, but is pretty restricting from what Iíve read and talked to Alpha about. If you can be content with this set up, it is probably the easiest compromise from your partnerís perspective. But it isnít fair to yourself or your partner to agree to this situation if you are secretly hoping that one day your partner will see the error of their ways and surprised you padded with a binky in tow. Itís great if over time your partner becomes more at ease, and it does happen, nevertheless , donít decide on a long-term partner who makes you feel ashamed of yourself just because you hope they *might* change their minds.

    #3 is something I havenít heard many accounts of but it was a stage for me and so I figured I would include it for completeness sake. This is pretty middle ground as far as compromise goes, and there are variations of it. For me, there was a while where I refused to wear diapers but had no issue if Alpha was going padded. Embrace having someone willing to accept that part of you (a lot of other people are not so lucky) instead on dwelling on the negatives.

    #4 is the ideal, where either immediately or after a while (moi) your partner accepts your AB/DLism and participates in it with you, whether that be changing each other or having them play as a mother/father figure. I know this is what a lot of people in the community hope to find, and Iím proof that there are people out there willing to do that. But it takes patience and time and lots of long talks. And you have to be willing to compromise. For example, complaining that your partner wonít wet even if they agree to go padded is not going to get you anywhere positive.

    Where and when you participate in AB/DLism. This ties in a bit with why, but merits its own section. When explaining your AB/DLism to your partner one question you are most likely to hear is:
    ďHave you ever worn diapers around me?Ē
    Donít lie. Rule #1. Rip the metaphorical bandaid off and deal with your partnerís reaction. Itíll be better in the long run.
    After that, just be honest. Don't be surprised if your partner initially refuses to wear in public or around their friends and family. Also, if you aren't incontinent, it's a good idea to compromise if they don't want you to wear around their friends and family. Alpha and I initially went diapered at the movies and places like theme parks where we weren't likely to run into anyone we knew. Once they are comfortable with that you can work on wearing other places. However if your partner only is comfortable wearing in private, don't pressure them. Many people would kill to be in your shoes at that point.

    Tips from a DLís girlfriend
    1.Make sure there is little odor (zero is ideal) associated with your wearing diapers. If you or your bedroom/living area smells like a unwashed loo, itís going to kill the mood.

    2. Avoid leaks if at all possible. Everyone knows the feeling. You think youíve got enough room left for one more go and suddenly your legs feel wet. Bad news, really bad news if you are with your significant other. When you are with your partner, take some extra precautions when going diapered so that leaks are less likely (not flooding as much, wearing dark pants that might not show leakage as bad).

    3. Donít get angry if your partner gets upset about you having a leak.

    4. Be wary of wearing around their friends and family. Itís one thing to accidentally leak on your own sofa, but having to explain a spot on your significant otherís parents or roommates sofa is a conversation you donít want to have and one your partner really, really doesnít want to have with their parents/roommates.

    5. Try and make sure your diaper doesnít show in public. Onsies are awesome and totally eliminate the problem.

    6. Donít rush your partner. Alpha was really good about letting me explore at my own pace and encouraging me to do only what I felt comfortable doing.

    Some positive wrap-up
    I canít personally say Iíve suffered through the trials and tribulations of being a AB/DL or getting up the courage to tell another person. With this post Iím not trying to discourage people from informing their significant others with the above warnings or trying to tell people how to run their private lives. What I wanted to do was share my experience and point of view in a way that might help others in the community.
    Alpha and I have been together more than four years and shared DLism for about three. I was not the most understanding girlfriend for quite a while; unfortunately thatís how I can write from that perspective when it comes to your partner telling you about their AB/DLism. Things got better though, and with time he and I have explored DLism a lot as a couple. Weíve gone out padded and changed each other (Iím not very good at the tapes yet after all this time), but most of the time we just do our normal routine and just happen to be padded.
    I originally was willing to look into DLism because it meant so much to Alpha, and Iíll be the first to say it was something that took a lot of time and effort on both our parts to get where we are today. It was 150% worth it though. Alpha is everything I could ask for in a boyfriend and more. He's funny, understanding, patient and loving. We're like any other couple, we love to watch movies, cuddle, play Mario Cart (he usually wins) and go out on dates. We just happen to do it in diapers sometimes.

    Also, going DL to movies is the best thing ever. Just saying. I hope this is helpful to some people and I'll be happy to try and answer questions if people have any.

  2. #2


    This is a phenomenal post. I really wish this was around when I told my ex about my diaper fetish. We're probably getting back together at some point, so perhaps I'll look over this before we talk about it again. Thanks for taking the time to write this, it's very informative and, I feel, helpful.

  3. #3


    Outstanding. One of the best posts I've ever read on ADISC! When I have a partner to confess to, this post will be a most helpful guide. This should absolutely be made into an article.

    Thanks for sharing your unique perspective on one of the biggest dilemmas an AB/DL will ever face. We really appreciate it!

  4. #4


    Excellent post, Beta! Thank you for taking the time to write it. I wish I had read advice like this before I told my girlfriend (now my wife) I was a DL. I made the mistake of telling her to look up infantalism on Wikipedia on her own instead of guiding her through the learning process as you suggest. Months of difficulty followed, but I'm happy to say we're both enjoying outcome #4 now. I came home from work late the other night and my wife had already put her diaper on by herself!

    Again, thank you!

  5. #5


    Yeah this is pretty much freakin perfect haha literally covers everything I wish I could like show this to my gf. This has definitely given me good insight on what it's like to be on the other end of finding out about abdlism and how to go about my own situation. Thanks alot

  6. #6


    WOW, what a great post. I'm definitely going to save this one for future reference.

    Here's wishing both you and Alpha many happy, healthy years together.

    Thanks for posting.


  7. #7


    I'm so impressed with the thorough thought you've given this. Surely this will help many of our members who will have to go through this. Five years ago my wife found my diaper order on Amazon and I had to go through the great explanation. Fortunately, I instinctively did many of the things you suggested. I believe and agree with you, that one should have an idea as to why they wear diapers.

    My wife knew some of my history, such as being adopted at the age of two. I discussed this as well as my early childhood. I explained what it was to be a DL as well as an AB, and how I felt. Even though we had been married for many years and I had saved her life countless times (she's diabetic), I still was shaking. She was very accepting and supportive. She doesn't change me, but I do wear in bed. She buys me plushies, babyish onsies, jammies and other things. She'll ask me as we get ready to sleep if I want a story read. She finds them for her Ipad.

    You're right in that there has to be a meeting of the minds, and that will take time. I can't applaud you enough in that you've done just that with your SO. I think you are incredible.

  8. #8


    I have send my girlfriend some adult baby photos, I buy some stuff and integrate it in the sex. That was beautiful.

  9. #9

  10. #10


    Quote Originally Posted by Beta View Post
    Tips from a DL’s girlfriend

    Don’t rush your partner. Alpha was really good about letting me explore at my own pace and encouraging me to do only what I felt comfortable doing.
    This should really be a number one rule, if you ask me!! Patience, patience, patience, and more patience. And then, MORE PATIENCE.

    Quote Originally Posted by Beta View Post only what I felt comfortable doing.
    This CANNOT be STRESSED ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT KIDDING!!

    This probably goes hand in hand with the above--- but deciding to tell others (your friends, family, etc) should be a decision made by the BOTH of you once you've told your significant other. Nothing was worse for me, only a few weeks after being told, when my (now) husband decided to tell his parents, family, and friends about it, despite my desperate pleas not to. (Worse, it mostly went horribly wrong...)

    Even for the willing it can be hard enough for significant other to accept, let alone the idea of telling other people who don't already know. If diapers are accepted by your significant other, and are helping to build intimacy between you, telling others really can devastate them. ESPECIALLY if it does not go well-- you've then rained a TON of pain and drama on someone who probably was already uncertain and afraid (hence their reservations against telling others).
    Last edited by Sumomoko; 03-May-2013 at 03:49.

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