Well I'm back, sorry I've been away for awhile. Kinda drifted. I wanna post something that I put on Tumblr for my blog entry. I just think this is how it feels for a lot of AB's or maybe I'm the only one.
So I just dont understand things right now. When I was a kid sure I was confused about things and didnt know why everything was but it didnt bother me, I was a kid. And even as a teenager I was able to just look past it and still enjoy the good things. But now that Iím an adult idk if the worlds just made me super pessimistic or what but its just like I cant tare myself away from the shitty side of life. It just eats me up. Hunger, povert, the homeless, pointless deaths, and other problems of the world keep me up almost all hours of the nights now. Its not like I didnt know about them before its just like this seclusion from friends for the last three years has just destroyed me and made it so that I canít just look past those things. They bother me so much it hurts.
Then of course theres my own fucked up problems. First of all I know I shouldnt be bitching because I have food, a place to live, a job, and hey iím still alive. But I just canít get over the fact of how hard my little side makes it for me to socialize. It leaks into my other side, my ďbig lifeĒ, but not in big ways. Just enough so that I get shy and dont even like talking to my own friends. And god knows I cant talk to them about it. Plus theres the three girlfriends that Iíve told about my little side. All knew about it going in, all were long term relationships, and all were super close to me like best friends forever close. One was senior year gf who i dated for 2 and half years, who one night said I was to weird and the next night cheated on me. the most recent one was the best. She was literally the friend I never had as a kid. She loved everything I did and we could talk for others about the stuffÖ.but she wasnít a little. She always promised me she would interact with my little side and give me attention like that. I treated her like a queen and in the end she would only let me be little for five minutes and then sheíd sit on her lap top and not talk or look at me for three hours. It was like having a neglectful mother and she never understood why that wasnt enough no matter how many times we talked about itÖ.
The main reason for all these blog posts isnít because I want attention or just looking for a mommy. I just want people to know I exist. I just want someone to love me like I love every single person on this Earth. Iíve never been mean, of always helped others and always been there to listen. I canít even get mad at people that do me wrong, like im not a pushover ill stand up and defend myself but I honestly cant stay mad at people for the life of me. I see the pain I bring them by being mad and it hurts meÖwhy is there not somebody else out there like this? Do we all feel this way? and if so then why do I feel like Iím being forgotten.
I know that Iím fading and its killing me. I just want someone to care, someone to remember me. Someone to aknowledge that theres a very scared little boy who needs a hug and instead he sits all alone with no one to talk to for weeks.. Iím not crazy, I know that my grip on reality is to strong for thatÖbut I think theres a something else besides just sane and insane. And thats that person that just doesnt fit in with anyone and cant seem to connect and cant let things go and they know there not koo koo but they have to tell themselves that everyday just rationalize the way they feel. Iím done now, I hope you all have a good night and thanks for your time.