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Thread: Its Been Awhile Everyone

  1. #1

    Default Its Been Awhile Everyone

    Well I'm back, sorry I've been away for awhile. Kinda drifted. I wanna post something that I put on Tumblr for my blog entry. I just think this is how it feels for a lot of AB's or maybe I'm the only one.

    So I just dont understand things right now. When I was a kid sure I was confused about things and didnt know why everything was but it didnt bother me, I was a kid. And even as a teenager I was able to just look past it and still enjoy the good things. But now that Iím an adult idk if the worlds just made me super pessimistic or what but its just like I cant tare myself away from the shitty side of life. It just eats me up. Hunger, povert, the homeless, pointless deaths, and other problems of the world keep me up almost all hours of the nights now. Its not like I didnt know about them before its just like this seclusion from friends for the last three years has just destroyed me and made it so that I canít just look past those things. They bother me so much it hurts.

    Then of course theres my own fucked up problems. First of all I know I shouldnt be bitching because I have food, a place to live, a job, and hey iím still alive. But I just canít get over the fact of how hard my little side makes it for me to socialize. It leaks into my other side, my ďbig lifeĒ, but not in big ways. Just enough so that I get shy and dont even like talking to my own friends. And god knows I cant talk to them about it. Plus theres the three girlfriends that Iíve told about my little side. All knew about it going in, all were long term relationships, and all were super close to me like best friends forever close. One was senior year gf who i dated for 2 and half years, who one night said I was to weird and the next night cheated on me. the most recent one was the best. She was literally the friend I never had as a kid. She loved everything I did and we could talk for others about the stuffÖ.but she wasnít a little. She always promised me she would interact with my little side and give me attention like that. I treated her like a queen and in the end she would only let me be little for five minutes and then sheíd sit on her lap top and not talk or look at me for three hours. It was like having a neglectful mother and she never understood why that wasnt enough no matter how many times we talked about itÖ.

    The main reason for all these blog posts isnít because I want attention or just looking for a mommy. I just want people to know I exist. I just want someone to love me like I love every single person on this Earth. Iíve never been mean, of always helped others and always been there to listen. I canít even get mad at people that do me wrong, like im not a pushover ill stand up and defend myself but I honestly cant stay mad at people for the life of me. I see the pain I bring them by being mad and it hurts meÖwhy is there not somebody else out there like this? Do we all feel this way? and if so then why do I feel like Iím being forgotten.

    I know that Iím fading and its killing me. I just want someone to care, someone to remember me. Someone to aknowledge that theres a very scared little boy who needs a hug and instead he sits all alone with no one to talk to for weeks.. Iím not crazy, I know that my grip on reality is to strong for thatÖbut I think theres a something else besides just sane and insane. And thats that person that just doesnt fit in with anyone and cant seem to connect and cant let things go and they know there not koo koo but they have to tell themselves that everyday just rationalize the way they feel. Iím done now, I hope you all have a good night and thanks for your time.


  2. #2


    Quote Originally Posted by Foxkit1992 View Post
    Well I'm back, sorry I've been away for awhile. Kinda drifted. I wanna post something that I put on Tumblr for my blog entry. I just think this is how it feels for a lot of AB's or maybe I'm the only one.-Dakota

    I did take the time to read all you are saying, and I think when life becomes this encasing, it's time to get help. By the time I was a senior in high school, I was well aware the world was still a primitive jungle. It was during this realization that I began to write, just as you have done here. There will always be injustices, because the world is viscous. For the most part, people are trying to survive with some sense of dignity, and a little piece of earth they can defend and call their own.

    How, in the midst of this, do we find our place in the world and more so, meaning? I just finished reading "The Great Gatsby" and F. Scott Fitzgerald tells us about who we are as people. You should read it if you haven't already. Go to the best writer America has. We struggle to survive, to find a relationship that compliments us, who we can share our lives. We struggle to make a living, and to find our place. In all of this is everything which will stand in our way, and sometimes, horrify us.

    On Wednesday, I went under the knife as I had back surgery. I went deeply under, and when I came out, I felt I was staring into the dark maw of death. It was frightening. As you know, I'm a person of faith, but for those hours of lying alone, pain in my back, afraid to move, wondering if I could go to the bathroom and do simple things, I was alone and afraid. My family had been with me, and I am loved by many, but at some time in our lives, we must face "the hour of the wolf", when darkness descends on us like the death shroud. I have since found my faith because of it. There has to be something better, something that has eternal meaning.

    You may want to discard those things which are weighing you down. If girlfriends and diapers aren't mixing, just date normally for awhile. Try to tilt the balance the other way. Bring hope into your life. Give some of your time to those who have less than you. Find a church, or a good literary group, some group of people who are intelligent and discuss these sort of things. It is essential that you do something positive to help yourself out of this hole. I fear if you stay motionless in your present place, your life will become worse and destroy you.

    I'm always here for you, so if you want to PM me with specifics, I'm a good listener.

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