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Thread: Sin Innocents or Adulthood growth?

  1. #1

    Default Sin Innocents or Adulthood growth?

    Before I became sexually active, no drinking, no smoking or drugs, I would tend to think of myself as "pure" or "innocent." You know the type, very shy, hardly ever talks or hangs out with the wrong crowd.

    The first time I ever had sexual contact, it felt like nothing I could ever try to describe, but afterwards, I felt like filth and my bus ride back home (I was still living in the city at the time), it was almost as everyone KNEW what I had done and the guilt and shame was written all over my face.

    Needless to say, it changed my perspective on life, but I still felt as though I was "pure" in some ways because I had never done drugs or any of the sort.

    Fast-forward to my (now) husband who grew up with a "hippy-but-extremely-intelligent" family and after four years of begging me to give "smoking" a try; I came to the next morning and I've never been the same afterwards.

    I knew I couldn't claim "pureness" anymore, but it didn't really hit home until I began to befriend one or two friends around me who are in a sense, "virgins at life" if you understand what I'm saying.

    Has anyone ever been down this same road and felt the same way? It's as if to say, you try to live a "proud and straight edge" lifestyle, but at the same time, you feel like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Ether that, or is this just a natural step in adulthood?

  2. #2

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    I've always been the last person anyone would expect of any intoxicant-induced shenanigans. And... over the years... that caused me to "split" the "real me" from the "me that was acceptable and presentable to the outside world"... and turned me into a socially anxious neurotic nutcase.

    I don't want to be melodramatic or anything... but I'd hate you to miss the warning signs that I did. (Although everyone's different, so... whatever...)

    I think that feeling that you have indicates some kind of anxiety about the situation... and if that's the case, then blindly continuing will (perhaps) make you more anxious until you can resolve the dissonance. I think the answer is either to "play it safe" and avoid temptation completely, or to accept and not fear the person that you may become.

    There is no good or bad, or black and white. It's your choice. I've made my choices and... I had a mixture of deep insight, pleasure and friendship, but also great regret and loss. Good and bad. It's all just a roll of the dice.

    What do you want out of life? Don't pretend that you want nothing more than a good job and 2.4 children... but don't pretend you want to lie on the sofa all day either. What is it that you really want? Will this help you enjoy the time you have here or is it a distraction from the things that you really want to do? Will you have the presence of mind to resist the temptation if that temptation becomes problematic for you...?

    I have come to the conclusion that my brain is more sensitive than most and has not fared as well as I had hoped. You don't know till you try.

  3. #3

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    Not everything is black nor white it is gray, everything depends on shade, search and learn to distinguish them. In order to be pure, you must first be tainted, in order to be innocent, you must learn guilt.

    What you felt before was only naivety. Only now, by following yourself wherever it is you intend to lead yourself, can you truly begin to experience stepping back to discover what it really is that makes you pure.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ebonybaby View Post
    Before I became sexually active, no drinking, no smoking or drugs, I would tend to think of myself as "pure" or "innocent." You know the type, very shy, hardly ever talks or hangs out with the wrong crowd.

    The first time I ever had sexual contact, it felt like nothing I could ever try to describe, but afterwards, I felt like filth and my bus ride back home (I was still living in the city at the time), it was almost as everyone KNEW what I had done and the guilt and shame was written all over my face.

    Needless to say, it changed my perspective on life, but I still felt as though I was "pure" in some ways because I had never done drugs or any of the sort.

    Fast-forward to my (now) husband who grew up with a "hippy-but-extremely-intelligent" family and after four years of begging me to give "smoking" a try; I came to the next morning and I've never been the same afterwards.

    I knew I couldn't claim "pureness" anymore, but it didn't really hit home until I began to befriend one or two friends around me who are in a sense, "virgins at life" if you understand what I'm saying.

    Has anyone ever been down this same road and felt the same way? It's as if to say, you try to live a "proud and straight edge" lifestyle, but at the same time, you feel like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Ether that, or is this just a natural step in adulthood?
    That's kinda cute. The way you described those things, it sounds like you never lost your innocence if you take all of those things to heart like that. Why do you feel tainted if you're straight?

  5. #5

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    Wow this thread is right there with a lot of thoughts I've been having. I didn't drink seriously until I was 26 - the feeling when I'd have a beer on a few occasions scared me. When my family began falling apart I dove in and embraced the dark side, including drugs and sex. No matter to what excess I did things I could never catch up or fit in with the people who'd been doing it longer and better. I will say though; before my bleak period EVERYTHING was almost literally black-and-white, like watching an old movie that suddenly changes to color. I believed in things like "the law is the law" and "people have to be married to have sex", and I began noticing how lonely I was (and still am) and how I blew what God intended for me before I had to go and bite the apple, and how I've become like a person with no country. I have cousins younger than me who are grandparents and here I am with barely having had a driver's license for less than 10 years and freaking out over an expired vehicle registration collection notice. If I hadn't gone through what I did though, I'd never have discovered I have talents that are valuable to paying customers

  6. #6

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    My life was just the opposite. I started smoking when I was 8 years old. I was drinking by the time I was in 5th grade. Boys were trying to have sex with me by the time I was 10 and I didn't always mind. I had a girlfriend by 11th grade and became sexually active. College for me paralleled Carmina Burana as I lived an exclusively gay lifestyle.

    We are who we are, and I was and am, a person of faith. For some strange reason, God, or some great creative power, continues to love me and treat me with kindness. For all my waywardness, I'm a nice person who respects others and tries to help the needy. I spent my life looking for Mr. Goodbar. Some of us are meant to wander in strange places, but that doesn't make us bad or good; just different. I know I'm loved, and I love others. I do no harm to others and that somehow counts for something. You might see yourself in that light.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by FanFan View Post
    That's kinda cute. The way you described those things, it sounds like you never lost your innocence if you take all of those things to heart like that. Why do you feel tainted if you're straight?
    Thanks and well.. I meant "no drugs or drinking etc." when I said "straight edge." I'm actually married gay, so that's another can of worms within itself. Although I wonder from time to time about quitting church to live my current life without problems, I'm just not ready to face this issue yet.

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