My next-door neighbour has given in to dark forces and installed a cheap, tuneless, metallic windchime in their back garden.
Whenever I want to relax in the garden I can hear it. At night, its sharp shrill tinkling causes my blood to boil as I lay there unable to sleep and forced to listen to it like the continual dripping of Chinese water torture.
As the breeze drops and I start to relax, at the back of my mind I know that, at any second, the peace will be shattered with a CLANKer-TINK-a-tink-a-chinkle and my heart races in anticipation of the inevitable disturbance as I was just about to drop off to sleep again!!!! AAAaAAAAAAAaaaAAAAAaaaAAAAAAaAargh!
I was wondering what kind of sinister, malevolent creature would ever want to possess a windchime, and I came to the conclusion that only a warped and disturbed mind (far worse than my own) could be capable of such brutal auditory enslavement. It is, I fear, the work of the devil (which, as an atheist, surprises even me, but I re-examined the logic and it all checks out).
I contend that the presence of such evil sounds will warp the minds of all who hear it. (Sadly, it may be to late for me. I already feel a compelling urge to dress as a Morris Dancer and cover my clothes with bells to keep a clankering din with me at all times. Maybe in time I will be driven to live amongst the cows of the Swiss Alps unable to escape the mind-altering siren calls of their cowbells).
So... I propose that, given the maliciously destructive, corrupting and addictive properties of windchimes, they should be considered a controlled substance with possession subject to a five year prison sentence, and life for dealing in such misery.
Who's with me?
(P.S. Do you think sleep deprivation is affecting my sanity? Pah! Of course not! I'm as sane as the next buttercup.)