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Thread: Trying to sort out my feelings...

  1. #1

    Default Trying to sort out my feelings...

    http://www.adisc.org/forum/diaper-ta...-fetish-3.html

    (While the above post is no way related in real life) coincidentally the other night I had a fight with my AB/DL husband.

    I tried to communicate to him that I wanted a little more enthusiasm and interest shown in ME (vs diapers). The conversation didn't go well and ... eventually I had to just tell him, I was mentioning it to him because I often feel that he wants to masturbate using diapers, etc, more often than actually having sex with me.

    --- Going to rant a little now.

    I know this will seem silly to some people... I mean, a diaper's an inanimate object right? But... We used to have sex fairly regularly that didn't involve diapers. He didn't use to wear diapers that often, maybe once every couple of weeks. As time has gone on, he's indulged in diapers more and more, to the point that we're buying them in cases (not a cheap hobby) and he's wearing them almost every night, and sometimes all day, causing him to get rashes. I have to complain some days so he'll stop and air out for his own sake.

    The physical barrier of a diaper has (more than a few times) discouraged him from having sex with me-- he prefers plastic crinkly ones with non-reusable tapes, resulting in repeated instances of ("I'm turned on, but I don't want to take it off and waste it! So....") I believe this has ultimately resulted in that he's now become more focused and reliant on a diaper for sexual gratification than me.

    This was agitated by the fact that he wants to use diapers at odd times (Really, he's wearing them all day again? We're going hiking on the trails, and it's hot out, he'll be guzzling water all day. Now we have to make a special stops somewhere through out so he can change.) If I say something or complain, he acts like I'm being unreasonable. In the last several months he's even been careless about how much they might show.

    On top of this, we have two kids. I've been changing diapers NON-STOP for the last five years. (Gave birth to the next just as one was getting potty trained.)

    I would like to think that I'm pretty open, accepting, even accommodating... but whenever I feel my husband is indulging in diapers more than he is me (and he seems to be doing it more and more and more) then yes, I get uncomfortable. Jealous? Maybe.

    Early on in our relationship when he told me about the diapers I was honestly cool with it. But I didn't think my whole life was going to so thoroughly revolve around diapers in the years to come... and I've never been good at self service sexually, so this has resulted in a lot of multifaceted discomfort for me. This hasn't turned into despair or resentment--- yet... just sadness.

    And I didn't really mention any of this, I simply told him I want more sex that might involve a little more enthusiasm in my direction.

    He made it clear that what I said made him feel sexually inadequate, and yes-- he even said, "You've lied to me! You've been lying to me this whole time, you're disgusted by what I like! Which means you probably don't really love me!" In no way did I ever say anything of the sort.

    Maybe he's right... if being disgusted WITH something is the same as being BY something. Personally, I'm not disgusted by it... I just feel...

  2. #2

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    This is my last post before bed, so it's short. I honestly think he is being very unreasonable and inconsiderate, considering how lenient you have been. He is honestly acting immature in this instance.

    He's pretty much taken your tolerance and acceptance for granted, which is never a strong point in a relationship. You two are in a marriage, a partnership, your needs have to come first sometimes as well. The fact that he is spending more time sexually aroused by the diapers IS a VALID concern.

    His response to your very justified request for sex was literally a projection, and nothing else. None of what he said made the least bit of sense. It's completely illogical, which makes me wonder...

    How was your sex life before things started to become so....dry. At which point did he start to use more often than usual? When was the last time that things between you were actually normal?

    The way it seems, and I may be completely off base here but it is food for thought, that perhaps some sort of life change suddenly caused him to feel less of a ...man? Who takes care of the most important stuff in the house, the children, the chores, errands, fixing things?

    Or perhaps somethign in your sex life changed. Perhaps he started to feel like he couldn't provide you with what he needed. The increase in diapers really sounds to me like overcompensation for something else. It isn't a healthy change. Something more has to be at play here.

    You have every right to feel bad about the fact that your husband has a more intense sex life with diapers than you. In this case, they become like a competition for affection. And YES that does breed jealousy. And that is the furthest thing from healthy. For either of you. You should be his priority. Seriously.

    You have been a perfect example of an accepting significant other that anyone would desire in terms of this fetish. I hate that you are being taken for granted.

    Sorry, I tried to be helpful.

    I really hope things get better or that someone else gives you more quality advice.

  3. #3

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    I do feel what I have been accommodating for him sexually, probably more than he has been for me, and it never seems to go right when I try to tell him what I want or need, which makes me feel unimportant.

    I'm embarressed to admit that the conversation that we had together ended with him telling me about his newest fantasies that again involve diapers... Now he wants me to start doing "diaper punishment" which will involve him going down on me while he's wearing a diaper... more than that he now wants to put marshmallows up his bum too... and this is AFTER I've made it clear to him repeatedly that I'm not cool with the pooping thing... instead of just respecting that and leaving it in the fantasy realm he looks for ways around it so he can get what he wants.

    Ironic when the whole reason why he was telling me about his fantasy at all was because I trying to tell hom that I don't feel desired as much as the diapers, and that I felt he needs to pull back some about it. But in the end I end up compromising all the way up to agreeing to shove marshmallows up his rear so I can fulfill his fantasy ..... that will revolve almost entirely around diapers and him.

    I know I will do what he wants, and I'll probably even enjoy it... but I want to feel more than to just feel included... The diapers don't bother me so long as I WANT to do it for fun... I do not want to feel like this is something I HAVE to do in order to have a sex with him...and I feel like that's where it's at.
    Last edited by Sumomoko; 12-Apr-2013 at 20:46.

  4. #4

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    It seems to me that you've been very understanding and have made a real effort to communicate. I think it would be a good idea to write him an organized letter that explains all of this. It will make a better launching point for your next conversation. Let him know your emotional state, and cite specific reasons why you feel these things.

    He sounds pretty insecure. Reassure him that you love him, but let him know that you have needs too. Your becoming uncomfortable with the prevalence of diapers in your live has nothing to do with his self worth.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by LaLoneDigi View Post
    ...I think it would be a good idea to write him an organized letter that explains all of this. It will make a better launching point for your next conversation. Let him know your emotional state, and cite specific reasons why you feel these things.
    That's a good idea, I may do that. At the very least to help me formulate just what I want to say to him, but a letter might be good because it might put more focus on what I'm ACTUALLY saying instead what he feels that I'm saying.



    Quote Originally Posted by LaLoneDigi View Post
    He sounds pretty insecure. Reassure him that you love him, but let him know that you have needs too. Your becoming uncomfortable with the prevalence of diapers in your live has nothing to do with his self worth.
    He is insecure, which is unfortunate... NOTHING about the diapers has ever made me think less of him. I adore him, really, I'm totally daffy about him.

    I don't know if it's a matter of being uncomfortable as much as ... I feel like the college student who's been forced to subsist on pizza and ramen for too long... And yeah, I can still ENJOY the pizza and ramen, but how much can I really look forward to more of it when I've had too much of it and am feeling otherwise malnourished.

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    Quote Originally Posted by JubeyKitty View Post
    You two are in a marriage, a partnership, your needs have to come first sometimes as well. The fact that he is spending more time sexually aroused by the diapers IS a VALID concern.

    His response to your very justified request for sex was literally a projection, and nothing else. None of what he said made the least bit of sense. It's completely illogical, which makes me wonder...

    How was your sex life before things started to become so....dry. At which point did he start to use more often than usual? When was the last time that things between you were actually normal?

    The way it seems, and I may be completely off base here but it is food for thought, that perhaps some sort of life change suddenly caused him to feel less of a ...man? Who takes care of the most important stuff in the house, the children, the chores, errands, fixing things?

    Or perhaps somethign in your sex life changed. Perhaps he started to feel like he couldn't provide you with what he needed. The increase in diapers really sounds to me like overcompensation for something else. It isn't a healthy change. Something more has to be at play here.

    Well, he did get a vasectomy when our youngest was born two years ago. He's mentioned that since then one of his testicles doesn't retract the way it used to, which sometimes causes him discomfort during intercourse. Wearing the diapers gives him some security while pleasuring himself because things don't move around as much. But, I feel something is more at play beyond that... it's just one of many convenient reasons for him to wear them more and more... and we're having less and less sex, and it's driving me up a wall.



    Quote Originally Posted by JubeyKitty View Post
    You have every right to feel bad about the fact that your husband has a more intense sex life with diapers than you. In this case, they become like a competition for affection. And YES that does breed jealousy. And that is the furthest thing from healthy. For either of you. You should be his priority. Seriously.

    You have been a perfect example of an accepting significant other that anyone would desire in terms of this fetish.
    On the nights he gets wrapped up he's extra cuddly and affectionate. I LOVE it when it he's extra cuddly and affectionate! He will hold on to me like I'm the only that matters in his world. Which might turn us both on, but it will lead to no where... or I will wake up to him later that night quietly masturbating in his diaper beside me...

    What I don't like is that when he's not wrapped up... well, the cuddling (IF I get it) is less intense...

    He seemed very defensive about what I wanted... Like when I asked for maybe a little more moaning or encouragement/direction when we DO have sex, he replied with, "Well, that's not ME." Which felt like a huge slap in the face, since, you know, I'm not stretching out my comforts levels for his pleasure or anything.

    I am perfectly WILLING and even grateful to be flexible and accommodating... his responses that night really left me feeling depressed. Really, I'm afraid to talk about it with him further at all now. He told me he had far too much to worry about, and I told him ok, fine, the ball was in his court and we would talk about it some more when he was ready to come to me about it. But then he told me about his fantasies. When he asked me about my fantasy... I didn't the courage to say what I really wanted to, because I felt I already had.

  6. #6

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    "You've lied to me! You've been lying to me this whole time, you're disgusted by what I like! Which means you probably don't really love me!"
    He may have said this but he probably does think you lied to him because you were very accepting and then all of a sudden you aren't anymore. I have seen posts by AB/DLs where they mentioned how their partner was accepting of their diapers and then all of a sudden they quit liking it. To me it was always confusing. Why would someone be okay with it and then decided they don't like it. I have gotten some speculations like maybe they got tired of it or they thought it was a phase so they put up with it and then when they realized it wasn't going to go away, they then started to have problems with it.

    Have you tried explaining to him that was when he wasn't doing it much and now he is doing it all the time and you have a problem with him doing it all the time?

    - - - Updated - - -



    "You've lied to me! You've been lying to me this whole time, you're disgusted by what I like! Which means you probably don't really love me!"
    He may have said this but he probably does think you lied to him because you were very accepting and then all of a sudden you aren't anymore. I have seen posts by AB/DLs where they mentioned how their partner was accepting of their diapers and then all of a sudden they quit liking it. To me it was always confusing. Why would someone be okay with it and then decided they don't like it. I have gotten some speculations like maybe they got tired of it or they thought it was a phase so they put up with it and then when they realized it wasn't going to go away, they then started to have problems with it.

    Have you tried explaining to him that was when he wasn't doing it much and now he is doing it all the time and you have a problem with him doing it all the time?

  7. #7

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    You need to tell him how you feel, your husband should care bout your feelings and do anything he can to make you feel better. If you have tried to communicate how you feel then you may need to consider couples therapy, no need to mention diapers but just an unsatisfied sex life, he may refuse to do this but keep telling him how you feel. Unfortunately it is unlikely that he will snap out of it and realise the problems that have arisen, you're wonderful for being accommodating and it seems that your husband appreciates this but it also seems like he appreciates it too much or perhaps doesn't realise that even being accepting has its limits.

    You're both in this marriage and your needs need to be satisfied too, he can't and shouldn't make you feel bad for wanting sex and you seem to back down too easily to his suggestions that you worry too much. This is not a silly problem that will just go away, you aren't worrying about anything small and it should be treated like with the seriousness it needs. Tell him how you feel and try not to hold back when he tells you it's nothing, if you're desperate enough to go online then it is a real problem to you.

  8. #8

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    It started off with me asking him to have a little more... enthusiasm when it came to sex period. And that when we were having sex, if he could please help me HELP HIM by telling me what he wanted to me to do to help him climax, little things like saying: "Don't stop," or "Ooooh keep doing that." And maybe a little more moaning because he's often REALLY quiet anymore when we have sex, which makes it confusing for me to know if he's getting anywhere. I feel that in the past he actually did make some noise during sex, but he doesn't any more/hasn't for a while. Like as the diapers became more and more present in his life these things went further and further away.

    I never said anything that even remotely resembled "I'm done with diapers, I don't want them anymore" etc. What I DID say is that I wanted to feel AS desired as the diapers. That WE needed to have more sex that MAYBE involved a little more variety, where *I* was the main focus, not some fetish item or fantasy. I have a two foot stack of sex books by our bed and admittedly, he hasn't looked at any of them. When I suggested that he did... I think he became angry.

    Frankly, sex involving me AND diapers is not exciting since I feel the sex with just me alone isn't exciting... I want SEX itself (with me) to be a facilitating idea for sex, not JUST diapers. Believe me, whatever enthusiasm he could have towards having sex with ME would be returned to him tenfold when we throw fun things like diapers into the mix.

    Just like with cuddling. He only wants to cuddle when he's already wrapped up. But if he cuddled me more, and I didn't have to worry about diapering him cockblocking me, I would be wrapping him up more.

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    Quote Originally Posted by pajamakitten View Post
    You need to tell him how you feel, your husband should care bout your feelings and do anything he can to make you feel better. If you have tried to communicate how you feel then you may need to consider couples therapy, no need to mention diapers but just an unsatisfied sex life, he may refuse to do this but keep telling him how you feel. Unfortunately it is unlikely that he will snap out of it and realise the problems that have arisen, you're wonderful for being accommodating and it seems that your husband appreciates this but it also seems like he appreciates it too much or perhaps doesn't realise that even being accepting has its limits.

    You're both in this marriage and your needs need to be satisfied too, he can't and shouldn't make you feel bad for wanting sex and you seem to back down too easily to his suggestions that you worry too much. This is not a silly problem that will just go away, you aren't worrying about anything small and it should be treated like with the seriousness it needs. Tell him how you feel and try not to hold back when he tells you it's nothing, if you're desperate enough to go online then it is a real problem to you.
    Yes... I am ver concerned... and very frustrated...
    Last edited by Sumomoko; 13-Apr-2013 at 01:10.

  9. #9
    professorbock

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    Hi, Sumomoko. Thank you for sharing your inner thoughts with us. That shows me you are a compassionate and caring person who wants to make a genuine connection.

    I apologize that your husband is treating you unfairly, and not providing the basics of needed sexual satisfaction. You, as a wife and mother of two have a right to feel the way you do. You have a right to have your voice heard with gratitude.

    You are an amazing person to provide such acceptance, love, understanding and gratitude to your man. In fact, I'm confident to say a woman of your caliber has significant substance and a lack of shallowness. These are extremely rare and valuable traits to find in a woman in today's modern society.

    Now, I'm going to chime in about your situation.

    The key thing here, is that in some regard, your man values your values in similar ways.

    But to change his attitude and remind him of what he ought to appreciate and never forget, you'll have to change your overall approach, since this doesn't seem to be one of several usual situations where a great dinner, a quiet night and a few kisses melt away his defensive thinking.

    That said, the thing about men is they can be possessive and obsessive at the same time. I say this because the way you described his ever-increasing diaper-wearing habit, locked with his personified sexuality seems very unhealthy to me.

    Honestly, your husband looks like he's trying to cover up a past traumatic experience, or an emotional void in his life where he must compensate to feel "normal," all the while beating the hell out of himself inside his head for behavior he keeps struggling to control, and wants to control.

    You see, men are supposed to be confident, masculine, protecting, loving and strong.

    But you must remember men are also scared and can often become shame-laden creatures, especially when their egos are in another dimension altogether.

    That's right. They may attempt to hide their sense of weakness within themselves. Not that this strategy actually works. The woman will notice through her intuition and knowledge of her partner.

    The man in the relationship will somehow find a way to funnel this inner atmosphere, this energetic play going on inside his head into self-shame, which is repressed by giving outer blame.

    The finger is pointed at you, the spouse. But you are not to blame. Your approach may be, to him, vindictive and somehow a fight for control. He may feel irrationally attacked by your emotional sense of immediacy and initial harsh tone.

    But I assure you what you've also demonstrated is a certain degree of tolerance, love, restraint and genuine concern.

    So, how can you approach your husband and get him to settle down to talk?

    It obviously can't start with, "Why are you wearing them so frequently?" or "What's wrong with you, can't you make love to me like you used to?"

    Rather, you may need a different approach. And it will probably have to be physical to make a soulful connection, since his mind is all about physical feeling right now.

    So, find him in not necessarily a vulnerable state, but see if you can participate in his diaper activity. Maybe you can open him up by guiding him through a gentle shower. Shortly thereafter, you can give him a quick apology for your strong reaction to his recent behavior. Connect with his emotional-rational side first.

    Tape the last diaper tabs for him. Get close. Whisper in his ear. Ask him how he's feeling. Support him positively. Put your arm across him.

    Maybe relax his shoulders. Then strategize your inquiry about his extreme behavior as of late.

    1. Ask him about his life, how he was looking for a soul like you just before he knew you. Things like that.

    Show genuine concern, but keep restrained. Maybe he's stressed out at work, maybe he's guilty about what happened with another business dealing, or maybe he's haunted at the idea of an old colleague calling his name. Maybe he's torn apart about how his secret is no secret to those with power over him, like bully relatives or his employer.

    Hell, it could be a traumatic playground incident in his childhood. Who knows, maybe his mother punished him, or his brother embarrassed him. Now...

    2. Bring up the fact that you've never had an actual problem with his habit. In fact, it's a good thing to practice in life. In fact, state clearly that you don't resent him or wish any ill-will. Rather, show you have concern for his well-being. He'll deny needing your help. Switch topics. Reminisce about other good times, but don't say to him directly that he's changed over the recent months.

    3. First, apologize in a general purpose for the pain and embarrassment-filled past challenges and hardships. Say things should have turned out better, and to a certain extent, they did because he found you.

    Now, challenge him by transitioning into asking him about what's haunting his mind.

    You know, what's eating away at the strong soul you know and love. It's OK if he becomes confused or cynical.

    I mean, there's a river in Egypt called De Nile.

    The point is to open him up by inquiring blatently with "in what ways do you feel you are being neglected in life? For what reasons do you really think?"

    Remember to listen and respond with soulful support, but keep some energy in your voice. Sound calm and confident.

    4. Remember to have a sense of humor to pick his brain with what makes him smile and laugh. Lighten up the mood during this whole time together. Keep asking him about life, and how his family loves and cherishes him. Again, make it clear that he has needs that are met by you, and that you like doing all those for him. Then talk about the fact that you have needs too, that he has wondrous way that he's fulfilled them in the past, but don't dwell too long on this.

    You already know men are instantly turned off with what they see as a laundry list of insecurity and nagging/nit-picking.

    Remind him how he can make you feel, and in what regards how he is amazing to your life. Name anything, really, from changing the car oil to remembering your favorite brand of ice cream at the store. Tell him life is about joy, happiness and love, and you feel he's missing out on great moments, even with the kids.

    This will spark his alpha-male gorilla energy and he will either fall flat with interest, or show he's on duty to protect and care for his family. Now for the final Piece de Resistance.

    Please bear with me with what I am about to say. Men are driven wild by certain key words and speech that fire up the epicenters of their mind. This is your chance to rip open his ego for a few seconds and look inside. OK. Here we go.

    Then say something unexpected and unorthodox in a different tone. Like maybe, "You can wear that diaper all day and night, yet I wonder if you're strong enough to cut a hole in the front for you know what."

    This will rattle his subconscious like no other. If he hides, he has bailed out. Checked out. And it's time to back away and approach this another week.

    Now, if he starts getting argumentative and huffy, you're getting somewhere. You can "trap" him into a conversational corner. Meaning, you can comment on how he is often seen by you as a calm, confident, fair and well-voiced person, but now he isn't "showing his lighest starts with today's lack of emotional control.

    That and you miss his fiery sexual passion and amazing abilities in that area (do this while you control your own emotions.) And then restate how he did this and that right, and how confident and appreciative you are participating in his special acts of love.

    And that he still has all these great and wonderful sexual abilities. And this turns you on, which turns him on, which makes you really feel like his woman.

    Then you can ask him to show you how he can bring his magic to the bedroom. Then you can slowly draw the focus away from the diapers. If he gets huffy or confused, angry or dismayed, malicious or threatening, back off and do this inquiry session at a much later date, like a week or two later.

    But if you know how to push his turn-on buttons, you can get him to give you what you want, with acknowledgement of course. Men's heads swell with pride when they are recognized. You know what can happen next if all goes well enough.

    Nothing will go perfectly, but remember to reinforce this behavior in his mind with positive feedback. It's like Pavlovian dog work with a reward at the end.

    So, what now, that you and him have weathered an intense storm of emotions, settled some old insecurities, reinforced the joys of his childhood, and finally met your sexual desires of now-normal fulfillment?

    After a night of fun, or irritation. I don't know which will happen. The man will either likely stay quite for days until he bursts into attention-grabbing mode, or will relax and let his guard down...and warm up a bit with less hostility.

    Work with him hand-in-hand to find a healthier balance for the frequency of his diaper-wearing, maybe setting a schedule as a weekly challenge with a big reward for doing well. Eventually, you can help him permanently set a more balanced, healthy and compromised habit of diaper-wearing, work, family time and sexual activity.

    Just remember he has special interests, too, and may wish for you to participate more often in his ABDL diaper-wearing. In the very least, it may be more on your shoulders, but this can balance his habit by making sessions a shorter length of time, and more enjoyably intense and satisfying.

    He'll be a stubborn ox either way, as men often are. Just keep chipping away at his heart strings and showing positivity. Men will eventually cave in, come to terms with truth, and compromise more reasonably.

    If he doesn't budge an inch, then try again at a later date. Then try again, and again. And if there are still no results after a few months, then something much deeper is very wrong.

    Oh, and one more thing, work compromise and balance into diaper-buying. While it isn't healthy to spend that kind of money on case after case of diapers, it won't help the situation by tossing blame around for the financial burden that has been dumped on the family.

    You're a very intelligent and real woman. Just remember I am a young fella, and sure as hell don't know everything. But, you asked for some advice, and this is what I can give you today.

    Again, I apologize if anything I have said to you is offensive. Let me know if you would like me to edit my writing. Lately I've been on a winning streak of striking the right chords with forum members.

    I know this isn't super tightly organized, but I also know you can rearrange the topics into a chronological order that you know would make sense for both you and him.

    You may not be able to displace his desire for diapers with yourself, but you can absolutely create an atmosphere of even greater desire of you.

    Best wishes.
    Last edited by professorbock; 13-Apr-2013 at 02:54.

  10. #10

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    I"m going to jump in here and say the two of you really need to see a sex counselor. Your husband's diaper fetish has become an obsession and that is not healthy. We talk about how wearing diapers hurts no one, and that's true as long as it's in balance with the rest of our lives. We also say in the introduction post that we are a lot more than diapers, but this doesn't sound like the case regarding your husband. Diapers are becoming the center of his life, and that is not healthy. He really needs some psychological help at this point. It should be worrisome that he doesn't see this.

    You and he really need to see a professional who can help you through this. Understand that this is not about you. You sound like a saint to me. This is about him letting his love for diapers get way out of control.

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