Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 18

Thread: Why I think I wear, Why I wish I didn't, and How I plan to quit

  1. #1

    Default Why I think I wear, Why I wish I didn't, and How I plan to quit

    I need to preface this entry with the message that I know a lot of this might come across as insulting to the choices or desires of many people on here, but it is only my own personal desires, thoughts, and feelings that are being presented. I hold nothing against anyone else and I do not judge anyone on here. I also have to say that I may (probably) be a self-hating DL (I also hate the term DL) but I have been one for almost as long as I can remember so I am not an outsider dumping judgement on something I am not a part of/could never understand.

    That said, I have been infatuated with diapers since I was probably five or six years old. I have gone back and forth with the whole quitting thing many times but I have obviously come back to it. I love the feeling and idea of wearing diapers and wetting them. I think that it probably comes from an association formed early on playing baby with an older sister and friend in which (although we didn't recognize it as such because of our age) we were stimulating ourselves by simulating a diaper for the game (like how young children rub up on tables not knowing that it is sexual stimulation but knowing that it feels nice). Maybe that's not legitimately what did it but I feel like it is the one thing that I can point to in my childhood that started this. And it makes sense. It is a sexually stimulating act for me and it upsets me because it makes me feel badly about myself in the end.

    I know that there are some older threads on this, but I want to quit for good and I think that putting it into words might make it stick better, like how people write about their weight loss goal to make them follow the diet.

    Why I want to quit:

    1) It would completely embarrass me and ruin my life and relationships if ANYONE were to find out

    2) Because it has to be secretive I find myself wasting time trying to be alone and missing out on things and hanging out with people because of this

    3) I don't feel good after. I obviously enjoy it at first but then when I have to change and go back to life I feel just bad. Like I feel depressed with myself and I am so disdainful of the whole affair afterwards. I also feel embarrassed and think about the horror of someone finding out, and I feel like I am missing out on real life and I am just plain weird. (yes, the existence of this site shows it's not an uncommon thing but this is how I feel). I bought a pack of diapers today and already just want to throw them all away.

    4) I would not want to date anyone with this fetish. I would never want anyone to find out and I would honestly be so turned off by anyone that was interested in this that I can't want to keep doing this imagining the tides were turned. No offense that's just me. This isn't a point to make anyone feel bad it's just me trying to explain how I feel.

    5) I'm broke. I can't feed money into something that makes me feel like this. The highs are not long enough or socially acceptable enough or just good enough to justify the horrrrrrible lows. It is emotionally unhealthy.

    6) It is not a part of my personality, a part of who I am, or a part of "what makes me me", it is a series of urges and behaviors that I deal with, so I will be gaining peace of mind and losing nothing but what I see as a bad habit. (For me, not necessarily you!)

    7) It isn't a realistic long-term possibility that matches up with my goals for my life (get married, have kids) (***this doesn't mean that others can't do both, but see #4 for me)

    How I plan to Quit:

    1) Binge-Purge: Today was my binge and I want to purge! I am throwing all traces away and I may not follow up here much, but I need to put this out there even so. I know this is a cyclical feeling but I am coupling it with other things and I think I am strong enough to make it work. For me it is like quitting smoking or something. It matters how much you want to quit. I really want to quit.

    2) Transference: I know the way psychologists use the word, but I'm claiming it in another way, sort of, for my purposes. I have successfully gone a long time without feeding my urges to wear by imagining it all and then switching gears mid-fantasy to a "socially acceptable" fantasy involving sex but not diapers or anything relating to that at all. If it's true that I forged a connection in my mind between diapers and sexual stimulation by connecting the two, then it follows that I should be able to weaken the connection or at least push it further and further away by interrupting this connection and forming a stronger one to sexual ideas and stimulation that does not leave me feeling so badly.

    3) Getting out there (dating) (*In "normal" sexual situations I have never once thought of diapers or had those urges, in fact when I have been in relationships I had less desire than ever to wear. It is like how I had less desires to eat junk food or watch crappy television. Maybe it's a comfort thing, maybe when I am sexually satisfied in other ways I do not feel the need to supplement with diapers).

    4) Pouring myself into other things that make me feel positive that I don't have to keep secret from others. This means that I can have something to show for myself, something that I can be outwardly proud of. Rather than this confidence-sapping habit I will pour my efforts into positive confidence and efficacy enhancing activities.

    5) All-in attitude: no turning back at all. I will not crumble one little bit because it is a slippery slope that I don't want to fall back down.

    I feel that for me this is like an addiction. For ME maybe not you! Sex addiction seems like a fake thing to some, because it isn't a chemical you can become physically dependent on like drugs or alcohol, but that isn't the case entirely. Sex addicts are addicted perhaps to the chemicals in the brain released during climax and so it is really a chemical dependence. If I have DL urges because they are associated with sexual stimulation then it seems to me that I can kick the habit by gaining that chemical surge through means that are not so upsetting to me (see How I will quit #2).

    I'm sorry this was so long, but it was really important for me to put into words, more so than for anyone to read it. Even so, maybe someone else wants to try to quit, or someone might feel better that they aren't the only one with these negative feelings, or someone might find my take on how I developed the DL desires interesting, or someone might simply wish me luck on finding my version of happiness.

    Luck, Love, and Good Vibes to everyone out there. Be happy however that works for you.

  2. #2

    Default

    Best of luck, love, prayers, and good vibes to you, too. This is a challenging journey for all of us, and at different points along the way we all need different things. My hope is that you can be free of guilt and come to acceptance, however that looks and works for you, and it's different for all of us. Most importantly be safe and know that you are supported in whatever you choose and whatever works best for you - now and in the future.

  3. #3

    Default

    Best of luck to you in your endeavor. I hope that you complete your goal and can be happy with yourself, for that is the most important thing. It's not about the diapers, it's not about being an adult baby, it's about being happy with yourself.
    Last edited by bigbluehusky; 09-Apr-2013 at 05:52. Reason: removed duplicate posts

  4. #4

    Default

    You have every right to want to quit. You also are not offended me, or anyone just by wanting to quit. You did a great job at presenting that, and your feelings are your own. If you wouldn't mind, I do have a few comments and questions I had.



    1) It would completely embarrass me and ruin my life and relationships if ANYONE were to find out
    This makes me sad because I don't feel this should be the case. There is so many weird things out there and people should be more accepting. However I realize that the world can be harsh sometimes, and pretending people wouldn't find it odd is silly. Still, I always strive for acceptance of other people's interests in this, even if I'm not happy with my own.. that way I don't become one of them. I want to be someone who will be open-minded and understanding.



    2) Because it has to be secretive I find myself wasting time trying to be alone and missing out on things and hanging out with people because of this
    Anything that makes you happy isn't a waste of time, but I still understand. We only have one life on this Earth and if you are regretting not doing something, I really do encourage you to get out there and do it. I wouldn't want you to feel like you aren't doing what you really want to do.



    3) I don't feel good after. I obviously enjoy it at first but then when I have to change and go back to life I feel just bad. Like I feel depressed with myself and I am so disdainful of the whole affair afterwards.
    I understand this so much. Though as an non-sexual AB I don't focus this stuff towards my interests in this, I have my own very alternative interest that is sexual in nature. I understand that it might satisfy you as you are enjoying the feeling, but afterwards I also am filled with almost a hatred that I let myself be interested in that. I understand it, because it feels so different from all the other parts of me. Like "this person can't like this, it's not right for me to like this". I just want you to know that I think even for me, that being mean to myself and treating me like I'm sick isn't a healthy thing to do. We have our urges, we have our interests. We can want to get rid of them but still not beat ourselves up when we get weak. We are only human.



    I would not want to date anyone with this fetish. I would never want anyone to find out and I would honestly be so turned off by anyone that was interested in this that I can't want to keep doing this imagining the tides were turned. No offense that's just me. This isn't a point to make anyone feel bad it's just me trying to explain how I feel.
    I know you don't want to offend anyone or call anyone out for their own feelings being wrong or being hateful. You weren't that way at all. However, I can't help but be curious why you wouldn't date someone with an interest in this? What if you met a wonderful boy or girl who was just so kind to you, so caring and receptive to your needs, and you guys had the same interests and every day felt amazingly wonderful. You felt actually in love, but then when you guys finally explored your sexual interests together you found out about his or her interest in this. Would this one thing really ruin the feelings you have? It's alright if so, I just challenge that they are still the same person and that no one is going to be a 100% perfect match.



    5) I'm broke. I can't feed money into something that makes me feel like this. The highs are not long enough or socially acceptable enough or just good enough to justify the horrrrrrible lows. It is emotionally unhealthy.
    If you can't keep yourself from buying diapers at the cost of paying your bills on time and food, then this is perfect legit reason to want to distance yourself from this. I'm not saying that's the case, but I do understand money troubles. The important things always come first, luxury always comes second.



    6) It is not a part of my personality, a part of who I am, or a part of "what makes me me", it is a series of urges and behaviors that I deal with, so I will be gaining peace of mind and losing nothing but what I see as a bad habit. (For me, not necessarily you!)
    Again, I totally understand this. It was you saying things like this that totally made me want to respond to this because I know this feeling but with me it's something completely different. I've found peace with just trying to focus on something else, on the things about me that make me happy.. but I've also learned that on some level the interests that I dislike and don't feel like me don't completely go away. I do hope that if you ever just.. start having fun again and do something, that you remember that you are still an amazingly wonderful human being and everyone has their own weird stuff. I'm not saying you have to accept this as something you will want to do forever, I just am saying you should accept that when you did it.. that it's done, but your still an amazing person and you are still you. We all do things we aren't proud of sometimes.

    I know you said this is all in, and you'll never crumble one bit. I completely understand your need to say this, but I want to say right now that if you do crumble a little. If you have a moment of weakness, if you have a time where you make a mistake then you should know that it's not going to erase all the effort you've been doing. You haven't suddenly become someone horrible, you have nothing to feel ashamed of. We all do things we regret, but every moment is a chance to move forward and we are growing a little better each day. Stumbles are part of the long road of life.

    There are going to be people who post and say that they think the healthiest thing is to just accept yourself and your interests in this. I don't disagree with that, but I understand the feeling that you are.. almost addicted to something you honestly dislike. You should get yourself to where you don't need to do this, and if you never end up wanting to do it when you no longer need to do it then that's fine. Just don't create another issue in your attempt to get rid of this one you feel you have. Don't become hateful towards others and especially yourself, because you are obviously and intelligent and caring person. You don't deserve the hate.
    Last edited by gigglemuffinz; 10-Apr-2013 at 08:03. Reason: Fixed double post bug. Minor typo fixing.

  5. #5

    Default

    I'm going to be honest here:

    AB/DL desires aren't something that just go away if you wish hard enough that they will. While it's possible you have the willpower to refrain from indulging indefinitely (though I think your reasons for wanting to are misguided and you should rethink them), you'll likely never be able to purge the desires themselves. The sooner you know this and accept it, the happier you'll be. Self-acceptance is the only real way to achieve any peace, and the road you're taking is not going to help you there.

    If you want actual support, my advice is to take advantage of the plethora of resources on this site and learn how to live with who you are, rather than who you wish you were. Being an AB/DL is not a bad thing unless you yourself make it so. If you want bland reassurances that what you're doing will work if you try hard enough, look elsewhere; nothing I have seen, and likely nothing most regulars on this site have seen bears that out. I find your penultimate paragraph particularly worrisome in this respect - the implication is that you already have a perfect grasp on what this is "for you" and that others who think differently need not respond. This is contrary to the purpose of a support forum, and if you truly felt that way you wouldn't need support in the first place.

    I am posting this because I have seen people try this before. Many times. It never works. The best you can ever do is refrain from indulging; you cannot stop the desires, not through will nor through any action of your own. Furthermore, people who refrain from indulging due to some misguided idea that this is somehow "wrong" pretty much invariably end up unhappy, or less happy than they would be if they were to accept themselves. Self-acceptance is, and always will be, one of the most fundamental tenants of happiness and psychological well-being. It is neither healthy nor pleasant to hate who you are.

  6. #6

    Default

    Went 3 years with out cold turkey but i felt dead in side it was like i was killing the little in side.
    So I live with knowing that I'm ok not a lone look at how many are on here and other sites and more
    are trying this out every day. So we are a group of persons that as kids got into this no mater how it started.
    I do say give it a try you must live with your self as we all do . Just this your not alone and not the olny one
    that has these feelings a lot of us have them. Good luck.:-)

  7. #7

    Default

    During my late teens, I felt exactly as you described. Some things to think about...

    - One day we're going to die, and 100 years after that day, no one is going to give a flying f**k about what you got up to during your lifetime.

    - Society is messed up. It's popular for young people (in the UK at least) to get battered on alcohol and drugs most weekends, to promiscuously have unprotected sex with randomers on nights out, to waste hours of their day watching god awful reality tv and tweeting about moronic celebrities "because it's cool", to partake in extreme body modification such as implanting potentially toxic substances to get bigger boobs "because Nicki Minaj did it", and a bunch of other behaviours that baffle me...

    ... yet wearing a certain type of underwear (in private) is thought of as "deeply wrong and disturbing" (quoted from The Daily Mail of course!)

    - Less than 50 years ago, it was illegal to be a gay man in the UK. It was thought of as a disability that could be 'cured'.

    - There are MANY different women out there! Meet enough of them, and you will find someone who loves you for who you are. A lot of women are probably more accepting of kinks than you think (50 shades of grey anyone?)

    - Everyone gets dealt their own hand in life, how you play it is up to you. Of course life would be easier if I didn't have this. But the day I accepted myself, I gained a much DEEPER happiness. Suppressing your innermost desires can almost be a form of self harm.

    It sound like you've already made your mind up, but if you ever come back, remember that we're all in this together

  8. #8

    Default

    While I can understand the idea of it being humiliating if anybody you know were to find out, I will say this, if your friends really do care about you they'll stand by you and continue to be your friend even if you're into this kind of lifestyle, this is something I've learned over the years through many situations.

    Besides, as stated above, nobody should really care what other people are into as long as it makes them happy in the end. While certain people are close-minded and decide to give people crap over how it is very disgusting about what we're into here, it's no better than mocking Bronies for liking MLP:FiM or Furry's for liking having fursona's. It is just immature and making said person less credible as a human being if they can't even accept something about their own friends.

    If you really do feel the need to quit because of those reasons you have listed, then godspeed to you and good luck, because if this is like any kind of lifestyle choice where you need certain steps to quit then you're going to need quite a bit of determination and will in order to get it all out of your head and out of your system.

    I wish you all the best if you decide to quit and that if you need any help, we'll always be here to help you. And, should the time arise where you would want to come back, we'll be waiting to embrace you again. <3~!

  9. #9

    Default

    My goodness Babymaybe, you are in a tough spot!
    You are at war with yourself and the self hatred for this 'thing' that you want to stop has obviously become problematic for you.

    I want to walk with you on your viewpoints and share my humble opinion on your mindset with regards to this.

    1) It would completely embarrass me and ruin my life and relationships if ANYONE were to find out

    This is a good point, and i myself have to live with the consequences if anybody found out, and yes it could do, but its not for certain.

    2) Because it has to be secretive I find myself wasting time trying to be alone and missing out on things and hanging out with people because of this

    I have a problem with this, the desire is so strong that affects your quality of life in such a way, that it looks like for you, a paraphilia/addiction thats gotten totally out of hand.

    Anther point to consider is that when dealing with a potential paraphila or strong addiction, is this conditioning or habit you have little self control over, needs to be managed in a strict manner.
    Once a month or once to twice a week when the urge kicks in will do you wonders because you now have given this affliction a set time to annoy your inner critic.

    3) I don't feel good after. I obviously enjoy it at first but then when I have to change and go back to life I feel just bad. Like I feel depressed with myself and I am so disdainful of the whole affair afterwards. I also feel embarrassed and think about the horror of someone finding out, and I feel like I am missing out on real life and I am just plain weird. (yes, the existence of this site shows it's not an uncommon thing but this is how I feel). I bought a pack of diapers today and already just want to throw them all away.

    You threw in another mention of somebody finding out,so this fetish/masochistic for you is side is in conflict with your ego and inner critic once again.

    It seems like endless binges and purges with you, i feel your pain!

    You care what people think about you and you needed a far great dose of acceptance from within to stop and say' I don't give toss what people think!'
    Being weird or different isn't a bad thing in a world of lambs, whereby media dictates what is and isn't normal or fashionable/cool.

    You love it at first then loath it, are you being sexual every time you indulge?
    If so you are dealing with something that needs tighter control as your balance for this is totally out of sync.

    You loved it when you were young, and now you get older and you figure this is ridiculous and need to cut it out completely.
    This is what most people who were not ABDL would have told you and this would set you up for failure.

    4) I would not want to date anyone with this fetish. I would never want anyone to find out and I would honestly be so turned off by anyone that was interested in this that I can't want to keep doing this imagining the tides were turned. No offense that's just me. This isn't a point to make anyone feel bad it's just me trying to explain how I feel.

    A female with the same fetish of habit as you would be your 'mirror' partner.
    You actually hate yourself indirectly by not allowing somebody comfortable with their sexuality of lifestyle who has the same interest as you.
    It seems as that your ego will not allow yourself to acknowledge that which is you and accept responsibility for that personally.

    5) I'm broke. I can't feed money into something that makes me feel like this. The highs are not long enough or socially acceptable enough or just good enough to justify the horrrrrrible lows. It is emotionally unhealthy.

    When broke, don't consider diapers, it looks like a big part of this is wearing and enjoying for the wrong reasons, or simply over indulging.


    6) It is not a part of my personality, a part of who I am, or a part of "what makes me me", it is a series of urges and behaviors that I deal with, so I will be gaining peace of mind and losing nothing but what I see as a bad habit. (For me, not necessarily you!)

    You have have turned your addiction/fetish into a set of bad habits with your words.
    Its the same thing, and unfortunately, since being young you have done this thing and at your age cannot stop, so it is a part of you.
    A part of you that you perhaps may hate but its all you.

    You have to admit that to yourself.

    7) It isn't a realistic long-term possibility that matches up with my goals for my life (get married, have kids) (***this doesn't mean that others can't do both, but see #4 for me)

    It could be if you allow it and manage it better then you have.

    Your inner child is in conflict with your ego or inner critic and the best solution there is to love yourself, for the good bad, weird and ugly things you do and love without question, and set yourself up for a future that includes everything you want in life diapers or regression should only be a minuscule thing that wouldn't get to you if these goals can be in place.

    Remember that the definition for insanity, is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

    I hope you kick this habit and tell us about it.

    I always wished i could be without it but after realizing its part of me, my wishing i didn't have this was only my ego or inner critic being to virtuous to accept this.

    Best of luck, we will miss you on Adisc!

  10. #10

    Default Re: Why I think I wear, Why I wish I didn't, and How I plan to quit

    I can't say it better than anyone else on here. I can only share my life experience when it comes to this.

    I have grown up the same way, liking diapers since I can remember. I was 3-4 years old sneaking diapers. I went through years and years as an adolescent strolling through the baby aisle, attentively watching diaper commercials, looking at other babies while wishing we could trade places.

    Fast forward to when I bought my first pack of adult diapers I was excited. I put it on and within a few minutes I was experiencing guilt. I ripped the diaper off because I thought of myself being weird. But a few days pass and I get another urge and go through the same thing. I got myself to wet it and being fresh into puberty something happened. My first climax. I didn't know it at first but it felt good. Then the guilt came right back. I felt sick about myself sitting in a diaper that I've used. It was a back and forth thing for years.

    Then I grow into my later teens and the diapers have become a regular obsession to disgusting. I went through several binge and purge episodes. The depression got worse and worse. I would think of myself of a disgusting waste. I stayed away from diapers but the lingering desires became overwhelming and eventually I would wear a diaper of some kind.

    It got to the point where thoughts of suicide was more than a daily occurrence. I was disgusted with myself all of the time. I would suppress my desires. I would cry at times because I wish I had nothing to do with diapers. I tried to do what you're doing a few times and the thoughts never leave you. You can suppress them all you want. A simple thing as a commercial will snap you into thinking about it. Then you will go through the "telling yourself that its disgusting". Your emotions will break eventually for the worse. Through these periods of trying to reject my desires, I was worsening emotionally.

    Your self-hatred is very harmful. You're not just hating the diapers, you're hating yourself eventually. Then your self-hatred will go beyond yourself and eventually be anti-social and do everything that you have stated in your original post that you are trying to achieve will have the same effect.

    My self-hatred used to run my life, it had taken a toll on everyone around me I was still anti-social, I still had no relationship, I still had desires to wear diapers, I was still hating myself, I would still deny offers to do things with friends and family, I was still in my solitary shell, my glass prison, whatever you would call it.

    I would eventually come up with a plan that would lead myself to self-acceptance. I would try to suppress the guilt, the name calling of myself, I would feed my desires and control my self hatred. It took some time but I was feeling better emotionally. I became a better person somewhat. I would go out with friends when the offers would arise. I would leave my desires alone until my engagement with friends or family was over.

    You need to accept yourself, control your self hatred and not let your desires to wear diapers be a decision in making a choice to hang out with friends or family. Do it before the engagement or after. Control your desire, but control your self-hatred. Its ok to wear diapers if you want, it won't effect your socializing if you accept yourself. Just don't try to control your desires with hatred. Control it with saving for later.

    If you do this, you will feel better about yourself. Suicide rates are high amongst us, and I'm sure that a very high percentage has contemplated suicide more than once. Self-acceptance is healthier than self-hatred. Its not your desire making you skip events, its your hatred.

Similar Threads

  1. Do you plan what padding you are going to wear?
    By Siddy in forum Diaper Talk
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 14-Dec-2012, 04:35

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
ADISC.org - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community.
ADISC.org is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.