I need to preface this entry with the message that I know a lot of this might come across as insulting to the choices or desires of many people on here, but it is only my own personal desires, thoughts, and feelings that are being presented. I hold nothing against anyone else and I do not judge anyone on here. I also have to say that I may (probably) be a self-hating DL (I also hate the term DL) but I have been one for almost as long as I can remember so I am not an outsider dumping judgement on something I am not a part of/could never understand.
That said, I have been infatuated with diapers since I was probably five or six years old. I have gone back and forth with the whole quitting thing many times but I have obviously come back to it. I love the feeling and idea of wearing diapers and wetting them. I think that it probably comes from an association formed early on playing baby with an older sister and friend in which (although we didn't recognize it as such because of our age) we were stimulating ourselves by simulating a diaper for the game (like how young children rub up on tables not knowing that it is sexual stimulation but knowing that it feels nice). Maybe that's not legitimately what did it but I feel like it is the one thing that I can point to in my childhood that started this. And it makes sense. It is a sexually stimulating act for me and it upsets me because it makes me feel badly about myself in the end.
I know that there are some older threads on this, but I want to quit for good and I think that putting it into words might make it stick better, like how people write about their weight loss goal to make them follow the diet.
Why I want to quit:
1) It would completely embarrass me and ruin my life and relationships if ANYONE were to find out
2) Because it has to be secretive I find myself wasting time trying to be alone and missing out on things and hanging out with people because of this
3) I don't feel good after. I obviously enjoy it at first but then when I have to change and go back to life I feel just bad. Like I feel depressed with myself and I am so disdainful of the whole affair afterwards. I also feel embarrassed and think about the horror of someone finding out, and I feel like I am missing out on real life and I am just plain weird. (yes, the existence of this site shows it's not an uncommon thing but this is how I feel). I bought a pack of diapers today and already just want to throw them all away.
4) I would not want to date anyone with this fetish. I would never want anyone to find out and I would honestly be so turned off by anyone that was interested in this that I can't want to keep doing this imagining the tides were turned. No offense that's just me. This isn't a point to make anyone feel bad it's just me trying to explain how I feel.
5) I'm broke. I can't feed money into something that makes me feel like this. The highs are not long enough or socially acceptable enough or just good enough to justify the horrrrrrible lows. It is emotionally unhealthy.
6) It is not a part of my personality, a part of who I am, or a part of "what makes me me", it is a series of urges and behaviors that I deal with, so I will be gaining peace of mind and losing nothing but what I see as a bad habit. (For me, not necessarily you!)
7) It isn't a realistic long-term possibility that matches up with my goals for my life (get married, have kids) (***this doesn't mean that others can't do both, but see #4 for me)
How I plan to Quit:
1) Binge-Purge: Today was my binge and I want to purge! I am throwing all traces away and I may not follow up here much, but I need to put this out there even so. I know this is a cyclical feeling but I am coupling it with other things and I think I am strong enough to make it work. For me it is like quitting smoking or something. It matters how much you want to quit. I really want to quit.
2) Transference: I know the way psychologists use the word, but I'm claiming it in another way, sort of, for my purposes. I have successfully gone a long time without feeding my urges to wear by imagining it all and then switching gears mid-fantasy to a "socially acceptable" fantasy involving sex but not diapers or anything relating to that at all. If it's true that I forged a connection in my mind between diapers and sexual stimulation by connecting the two, then it follows that I should be able to weaken the connection or at least push it further and further away by interrupting this connection and forming a stronger one to sexual ideas and stimulation that does not leave me feeling so badly.
3) Getting out there (dating) (*In "normal" sexual situations I have never once thought of diapers or had those urges, in fact when I have been in relationships I had less desire than ever to wear. It is like how I had less desires to eat junk food or watch crappy television. Maybe it's a comfort thing, maybe when I am sexually satisfied in other ways I do not feel the need to supplement with diapers).
4) Pouring myself into other things that make me feel positive that I don't have to keep secret from others. This means that I can have something to show for myself, something that I can be outwardly proud of. Rather than this confidence-sapping habit I will pour my efforts into positive confidence and efficacy enhancing activities.
5) All-in attitude: no turning back at all. I will not crumble one little bit because it is a slippery slope that I don't want to fall back down.
I feel that for me this is like an addiction. For ME maybe not you! Sex addiction seems like a fake thing to some, because it isn't a chemical you can become physically dependent on like drugs or alcohol, but that isn't the case entirely. Sex addicts are addicted perhaps to the chemicals in the brain released during climax and so it is really a chemical dependence. If I have DL urges because they are associated with sexual stimulation then it seems to me that I can kick the habit by gaining that chemical surge through means that are not so upsetting to me (see How I will quit #2).
I'm sorry this was so long, but it was really important for me to put into words, more so than for anyone to read it. Even so, maybe someone else wants to try to quit, or someone might feel better that they aren't the only one with these negative feelings, or someone might find my take on how I developed the DL desires interesting, or someone might simply wish me luck on finding my version of happiness.
Luck, Love, and Good Vibes to everyone out there. Be happy however that works for you.