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Thread: Mistakes have been made

  1. #1

    Default Mistakes have been made

    I have been gone from this site for quite a while, I even needed a new password, since I had forgotten it. My husband has know about my "little" side for some time. He originally said he wanted to help me explore this, even though it was something he found "unsettling."
    Well, here it is: he uses my little side against me. If I am little without his specific approval, he does the whole passive-agressive moping bit. However, if I want him to be involved with my little time, I have to jump through all kinds of hoops and emotional barriers to get there. I think I may be in an emotionally abusive relationship, but after being together for over 20 years, I don't know if it still matters enough to try and get out.
    I find it more and more difficult to get into the frame of mind where I feel safe enough to be little, and more and more easy to just be a grown up. I feel my childhood slipping away again, and it leaves me alternately numb and hurt. I know I wish I had just kept it to myself, and never let him know. He treats it as though it were a sexual kink instead a part of myself. I don't even want that part of my life to mix in, but assumes it is.
    I'm not even sure why I am posting this, because I know it won't change anything, but I needed this in the world, instead of in my head.

  2. #2

    Default

    I'm sorry you are having trouble being little. As you say it sounds like your husband is manipulating you by jumping through hoops. Has he been doing this for awhile, or just recently? Have you told him how you feel? Do you feel the need for marriage counseling? I've been married a long time too and we always have an open door with each other. Sometimes there are raised voices and tears, but we always come to an agreement (no, my wife does not know about my dl side). Keep us posted as to how this develops.

  3. #3

    Default

    It does sound like he's being abusive. Somehow, he's translated your desire to be little into his desire to dominate. I think you do have a lot of soul searching ahead of you. You could tell him that regressing no longer interests you and that you don't intend to engage in it again. Then wait until he's not around to do it on your own. You also could go to a therapist if he's agreeable, and talk this out. It's not that unusual for couples to have kinky sex play.

    If he is dominating and destructive in other ways, then perhaps it's time to walk away from the marriage. No one should have to live under that umbrella of fear.

  4. #4

    Default

    It's more a matter of passivity and inertia. Around the house, nothing gets done unless I do it. Until recently, we even worked together, and if part of a project didn't appeal to him, I was the one who had to do it. We do have a moderate level of kink in the bedroom, but over the past year, it has pretty much ground to a halt due to time and circumstance, rather than lack of interest. It's the pressure of knowing that things will be left undone if I take the time to be little that is making it difficult to relax/regress.

  5. #5

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Kalis View Post
    I have been gone from this site for quite a while, I even needed a new password, since I had forgotten it. My husband has know about my "little" side for some time. He originally said he wanted to help me explore this, even though it was something he found "unsettling."
    Well, here it is: he uses my little side against me. If I am little without his specific approval, he does the whole passive-agressive moping bit. However, if I want him to be involved with my little time, I have to jump through all kinds of hoops and emotional barriers to get there. I think I may be in an emotionally abusive relationship, but after being together for over 20 years, I don't know if it still matters enough to try and get out.
    I find it more and more difficult to get into the frame of mind where I feel safe enough to be little, and more and more easy to just be a grown up. I feel my childhood slipping away again, and it leaves me alternately numb and hurt. I know I wish I had just kept it to myself, and never let him know. He treats it as though it were a sexual kink instead a part of myself. I don't even want that part of my life to mix in, but assumes it is.
    I'm not even sure why I am posting this, because I know it won't change anything, but I needed this in the world, instead of in my head.
    hello there, Kalis....

    i am not sure if you are asking for advice/help.... or looking to put what is in your mind out into the real-world in order to make it somehow more tangible. i know that when i am having emotional problems, and i am alone with them in my mind..... putting said problems down into a form where one or more of my (very few) friends can read about them helps me to take those problems from the in-tangible world of my mind, into the reveling light of day.... (i am no longer as alone somehow)

    so after reading your post and noticing that your personal-page didn't have any helpful background info on it.... i tried looking back through many of your old posts on ADISC (including your intro). i was fishing for some understanding of your history and your mind-set....

    i used to travel a great deal with my Husband too (all around the country) driving Him from city to city (between plant-inspections). of course that was nothing like commercial driving.... but it does give me a little glimpse into the world of spending weeks at a time on the road with a guy under business like (stressful) conditions as a spouse.
    on top of that, a big part of me is my "little-side".... something (or someone) that i have learned to protect and often times hide from most everyone.

    as "littles", when we are in that situation or condition; we are very susceptible to manipulation, abuse and neglect by others. most people have no "model" or previous example in their lives to help them fully understand how a seemingly adult human can change into a nearly emotionally helpless child before their very eyes. or why that person would even want too in the first place....

    there is also the problematic situation that if a person who has "littles" is lucky enough to find a spouse that they can open-up too. and who will then participate willingly with them at first. over time, the "little" end up wanting more and more attention or "out-time" (probably because they have been starved for it over the years). i would think that all of us with "littles" try not to over-load our spouses with the demand for little-time, but the "littles" can be insatiable in their needs/demands over time.

    personally, if your "littles" are anything like mine; they can be awfully selfish in that if they are given an inch, the next thing they want is a mile.... my "littles" are i believe, an extension of my deficient childhood (simplistically put).

    i have gone through very many adult relations in my life; always with an eye to finding both a compatible life-partner as well as a parental figure for my "littles".... most people it seems can only deal with that sort of relationship for a few years (if that) before it becomes manipulative or abusive. i learned over the years to get out before it got out of hand (a hard thing to do). it has only been with age and experience that i have finely learned how to deal with both my needs and to keep it real within the relationship. it also has taken a whole lot of personal maturity on the part of my Spouse as well.... i and my "littles" are not easy to deal with even now at age 58..... (smile)

    i can't advise you to seek divorce or stay married... that is a many faceted decision that only you can make after much deliberation and soul searching. but i do think that there are many steps that you can actively take to help your situation, rather then staying silent.

    you deserve to be fulfilled and happy, Kalis.....
    please don't give up, do it for their sake (the littles)

  6. #6
    professorbock

    Default

    First off, thank you for your openness and honesty.

    Secondly, I am sorry you feel this way. The way you describe your husband, you don't seem to receive necessary emotional support, and somewhere in the process you have been continually treated unfairly.

    In my social experience, I'd want a 100 percent open life with my would-be soul mate, where there is no doubt, just unconditional love, respectful balance and mutual growth.

    Thirdly, you have a right to feel the way you do.

    Now, I don't know you or your husband specifically, but we are here as a supportive community.

    However, I have to ask, through all those 20 years, just logically what has happened in your interactions to fill your heart with doubt?

    Have any of you two changed permanently over the years? I ask because, logically, since you're here, an honest passion is lacking or missing in your life and you're trying to reclaim it, somehow.

    Hopefully you proceed in a healthy manner, analyze your situation and decide what's best to do next. There are thoughts that don't occur to us until days or weeks after we write about them.

    Just be sure of what you desire, assess your situation carefully. Meditate on this if you have to.

    Best wishes.

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