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Thread: FiancÚ not accepting of my DL fetish

  1. #1

    Default FiancÚ not accepting of my DL fetish

    So I find my self joining this site because there was some good content that caught my attention at first glance. But truthfully i'm here to find a solution to a current problem... one that i'm sure i'm not the only one here has. My fiancÚ with whom I just proposed to is at her wits end / breaking point so it seems with my DL & bondage fetishes. she is not willing to understand. Or maybe it's that she's so disgusted with it and turned off that she doesn't allow herself to be open to this as an option for myself. Either way, we're not happy and it's hurting our relationship. I won't eliminate it from my repitioure and she won't afford me the opportunity to enjoy it at all when she's around. She doesn't want to hear it, see it, or know that I have a diaper on.... the beginning of our relationship she was totally cool with. Now I recently found out she was disgusted this entire time and she just lied about it until now. So here's to learning from other experiences from other members get some good advice as to how to successfully approach her with the fetish, and hopefully learning how to even approach her with the idea of compromise and use of it when it's ok. Here's to hoping.

  2. #2


    There's a bit of a giant red flag here in that you seem to imply that your fiancee was lying to you for a very long time about something fundamental, and moreover, she waited until you two were engaged before she came clean about it?

    My first piece of advice is that this needs to get resolved positively now, long before you two actually tie the knot. Furthermore, without knowing the details of your relationship, the revelation of a big honesty issue may require some thought generally about if there might be more fundamental problems with the relationship than just this impasse.

    As far as approaching her, basically you need to arm yourself with knowledge and resources to which you can point her (ADISC, Understanding Infantilism, and Wikipedia are good possibilities) such that you are well-prepared for the hard but crucial conversation(s). Know everything you can about ABDLism and BDSM, how to articulate what your specific interests in them are, what you'd like from her in an ideal world, what you need as a bare minimum from her to be happy, and how to communicate all of this better so that something like this doesn't happen again. Once you've done that preparation, have the talk.

  3. #3


    Side note: Fiance is a male, fiancee is a female

    I'm going to provide the negative response you probably don't want to hear but need to consider.

    The purpose of engagement is to test drive marriage. It's a chance to see if you can handle a life together, and walk away if you can't. I'm not saying it's easy to walk away- hell, I'm engaged and calling it off would be absolutely devastating. I don't say this lightly. But you have to consider the possibility that this is a sign that it's not going to work. Relationships don't work when you don't love the entire person.

    The idea of a compromise, in this case, doesn't sound healthy. I compromise with diapers in my relationship, but the compromises are things like don't sit on the couch with a sopping wet diaper that'll leak. Frankly, it sounds like this is fundamentally a part of you that she doesn't like. A compromise is just minimizing how much of that part she allows to exist. I have trouble imagining a future where this doesn't breed resentment for you both- her for this part of you she can't love, and you for the fact she doesn't love all of you. It's the difference between tolerance and acceptance. She sounds willing to tolerate this in you... conditionally. It sure as hell isn't acceptance.

  4. #4


    There are a lot of things you said that would really make me pause and evaluate the situation before going any further down the road to marriage. This is the person who you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with and if she is not going to accept a portion of you without any wiggle room for compromise you are setting yourselves up for disaster down the road.

    It's highly unlikely that your desires for diapers and bondage are going to go anywhere and as the two of you start spending more and more time around each other it will leave you less and less time to indulge in those needs. Eventually you are going to break and start sneaking around and doing it behind her back simply because you need it as part of who you are. She will eventually find out and there will be some huge blow up and the cycle starts all over again. Seriously that's not the way I would want to spend the rest of my life.

    You guys need to sit down and have a serious conversation on this and it's going to have to be one that finds some common ground and compromise. The thing that concerns me most is that she didn't bring up that she hated any of it until you proposed. That's messed up.

    On the flip side when I told my girlfriend she was taken back and very limited in her acceptance, however that gradually changed as our relationship continued. I only proposed once I knew that we had a comfort level with the diapers that would be mutually ok with both of us long term. However once I popped the question she shocked me by being more willing and open to participate in my ABDL side because as she said "we are going to spend the rest of our lives together so the sooner I get used to this being a normal part of the relationship the better"

    That's the direction you should be headed. Good luck my friend.

  5. #5


    One time, I married the wrong person. I used to fantasize that he was a different person than he was. Huge red flags seemed like little bumps in the road. People don't change all that much. Someone may learn to do this or that, but a person just disgusted by some part of you sounds like she has a pretty closed mind. A closed minded person is pretty much the opposite of what an AB/DL needs. Closed minded people are also the least likely to change and grow as human beings. They are already set in their little bubble-ways and it's over for new information and insights.

    I would get out now. You already have such doubts that you are writing about it in a post. As a female, I know this type of woman. They have been my friends and all have eventually stopped being my friend for shallow reasons. They have left a trail of broken hearts. This kind of woman will tell you that you are embarrassing her in front of her friends. She will say that you are not a true man. She will try to tell you what to wear and what to eat and how to live. If you comply, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're a jerk. There is no winning with these women. Get out.

  6. #6


    Besides this whole big fiasco, do you still love eachother?
    Anyway, you need to talk to her. This or... well leaving her, otherwise she's going to leave you, i think. I may be wrong, but this sounds like she isn't simply accepting this side of yours, in the end it will be the diapers or her.
    Like already mentioned, gather your information. Say her you'd like to talk about this and find a solution, which is acceptable four you BOTH! You can even show her some articles and/or this forum, wiki essays, etc.
    In the end, you need to know, how much you can restrict yourself with the *bdl and sm stuff. Your bare minimum to be somehow happy, if she can't accept this, you'll both be unhappy in the end.
    However, you should respect her point of view too.

    Quote Originally Posted by Frogsy View Post
    People don't change all that much.
    Sadly, one of life's hardest lessons to learn is that you can only change yourself, not people.

  7. #7

  8. #8


    Quote Originally Posted by daLira View Post
    [snipped]Sadly, one of life's hardest lessons to learn is that you can only change yourself, not people.
    "If you can't change the world. Change yourself.
    And if you can't change yourself....change the world." -The The 'Lonely Planet

  9. #9


    I really don't think we know enough about the situation to say this is all over, or to run away from this relationship yet! Starting with more talking with her, really get to the root of WHY this bothers her. Maybe there is something you can alter in the habits.. there is a difference between being uncomfortable with some of the aspects of it then being uncomfortable with it altogether. She did get engaged to you and it does sound like she knew about this for the greater bulk of time. I feel like this wouldn't be a huge deal if that was the case.

    I really recommend what Fruitkitty outlined, arming yourself with good knowledge about what this is, and why you want it. The minimum that you need to be happy, you need to know it and express it.. and to listen attentively to what she wants from you and what will make HER happy. Then, after you have all this out in the air you both together can decide the best course of action to take.

  10. #10


    Sounds similar to my situation.
    My boyfriend is a DL. I am not, and I do not share his interests regarding diapers. It's very hard for me to deal, not necessarily on a day to day basis... But, sometimes, something will happen and it hits me like a truck. It's been very conflicting to our relationship and a bit of a roller-coaster going through all the emotions.

    It seemed easier in the beginning of our relationship... I'm not entirely sure why. But, if you read any of my back posts/threads... I have definitely done my best to accept and participate in his fetish.
    I think it's getting harder, because as time goes on... I still have my feelings about it and he's still a DL, obviously. Which, won't change.

    The fact that we both want kids and want to have them, soon, is probably a big part of why I'm having a harder time. It's hard to fathom, for me.

    Anyway, if your fiancee wants someone to talk to... I'm always available for that. I felt so alone, in the beginning, and even now... Since, I have no one to talk to it about, except my boyfriend. It did help me, when I joined Adisc and it may help her to talk to another female in a similar situation. Or, even to join the site herself.

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