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Thread: Non ABDL girlfriend, DL boyfriend

  1. #1

    Default Non ABDL girlfriend, DL boyfriend

    Hey guys,
    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 months. I love him more than anything.. But he is a DL , And I am not. It has lead to fights, and (to him) looks of disgust out of me..
    I`m very understanding to him, but I went from being a girl,not knowing what ABDL stood for, to having this all dropped on me at once. It was more of a " hey im DL, this is what it is, accept it. " ( Not quoted obviously, just a summary ) When he first told me, I took the time and talked with him on what it was, and why he does it. We still have little talks here and there ..
    Im just having trouble with accepting some things..
    One example, is him wanting , and him actually wetting the diaper.. This really bothers me. GREATLY bothers me..
    Telling him not to do it, would make me feel like a bad person. Like im telling him to change.. I`d never try and change him for who he is. And wearing a diaper, with no pants. Im still not used to him wearing them in general.. I dont mind when he wears them with pants.. But its the comments he makes while hes wearing them and seeimg him act helpless, gets to me..
    Its hard to explain how I feel, but I just want to cry all the time .. I really want to accept him.. Every part of him . . i love him so much.. more than i can put into words.. I just feel so bad..

    Advice ?

  2. #2


    Just tell him you don't want to hear about it or don't want to know he is wearing one. What is the problem with him wetting his diapers? They stay inside and then he just gets cleaned up. You wouldn't even know he was doing it if he did it.

  3. #3


    I've been ABDL for as long as I can remember, and I will say, yes, it is a bit disgusting. If you're the kind of person who doesn't like bodily fluids it's a hard fetish to take, that's normal. If your feelings of disgust are based on more than that, perhaps there is something more you need to talk about?

    You can be accepting of someone without enjoying or joining in with everything the like to do. If you talk to him, explain what you aren't comfortable with, what you don't want him to do around you, and what you are happy for him to do on his own, I'm sure you can work things out. Lots of people in successful relationships have a interests that their partners find completely uninteresting: his interest in diapers doesn't have to be a bigger than anything else he does that you aren't interested in. Your boyfriend should accept you as someone who isn't ABDL, just as much as you accept him as someone who is.

  4. #4


    Hi, there's a couple of things going on in my head right now, firstly congratulations, I think you're dealing with this in a very mature manner, and have made the right choice in seeking advice here. Read carefully through it, and take from it that which fits your situation. I think it's amazing that you continue to love your boyfriend knowing this about was brave and sensible of him to share this with you, but from your description it is hard to tell whether he's being sensitive to your needs, or whether he's being selfish about this and just expecting you to 'suck-it-up'(which BTW is not acceptable in your relationship) It may simply be that he is trying to desensitize you to the whole thing.....also I note your reference to his sense of helplessness...this does sound like a strong AB trait.

    What you are going to have to sort out with him, are boundaries that are acceptable to you, but which also respect his very strong desires(which I gather you realize are locked in to who he is...they ain't goin away is what I'm trying to say) Naturally you are going to want and need, and very much deserve, to have him as an adult in your relationship, however, you are going to have to allow him space to be who he is, or he will become frustrated. As to the wearing openly, perhaps you could negotiate with him that this only happens occasionally(I'm guessing he's looking for validation from you when he is flaunting his diapers in front of might help if you were to acknowledge him lovingly when he does) and with the wetting...well that's part of it 'for him' it doesn't have to part of it for you....if you're not comfortable with him doing that, it's ok for you to let him know that and ask him to be discrete in his dealings with that...clean up and disposal etc.

    Mostly, good luck, you must talk about this, and you must decide whether you can accept your man with this part of him, it is not a disability, but in the same way as one, you can learn to live with this and still enjoy a healthy balanced relationship with him. Just know this, you have equal rights in your relationship and he must respect that. You certainly got more than you bargained for, but if he's respectful of you and your needs, it can form part of a rich loving relationship.

    I hid this from my partner for a number of years, and probably wished I hadn't. but she has been wonderful, although in many ways were still working through it. Hang in there, you didn't ask for this, but there it is an opportunity to be part of someone's life who has some special needs.

  5. #5


    Acceptance and participation are two totally different things. I think you've done an admirable job of accepting him, but you still can and should talk to him about what makes you comfortable. This is strange for anyone who doesn't share the feelings, and acceptance really is the most we can ask for.

    If you would prefer that he keep his diaper concealed around you and do what he needs to in private, then that is like a reasonable request to make. If regressive comments make you uncomfortable, let him know that and work out a medium - whether that means that he doesn't make them, or can make them in certain contexts, or whatever.

    You've said that you were feeling a bit overwhelmed with this all coming out at once and that's understandable. I don't think you need the brunt of it all at once, so when you talk to him, you can say that you want to spend time getting used to it and then you can reevaluate whatever rules you agree upon down the road. Setting boundaries here is not tantamount to rejecting him.

  6. #6



    To get you an idea of whom your dealing with in this post (myself):
    I'm 33, am in a long term relationship (10+ years) and well, I am Incontinent / Bedwetting (basically a neurological problem, that unfortunately can't be solved at the time), and well at one point in my early teen-days I discovered that I like to wear diapers. I guess it came from a bit of a psychological coping mechanism (by having to wear pads / diapers) and by well starting out puberty "in diapers"...

    Anyhow, so I had not much of an option but to confront my GF about the fact that during the day I have to wear pads / pull ups and at times diapers and at night, unless she fancies a wet bed, well diapers it is.
    Also I told her that I am a DL of sorts when we talked about what drives us sexually and what not (she's got a few kinks of her own).

    Now the thing is this: I TRY TO BE AS DISCRETE ABOUT THIS AS POSSIBLE. I don't want / need anyone to see me wearing diapers... I don't go for the thickest most crinkly diapers either (I'd hate this).
    And at NO time I would wear JUST A DIAPER... to me that's too much "in your face" and personally I would feel VERY SILLY.
    Don't get me wrong, I like the feeling, the comfort, etc. a diaper provides me with... and I prefer sleeping in a diaper, instead of waking up in the middle of the night in a cold soaked bed (sorry if this is "offensive").
    But I don't flaunt it around...
    I wear shorts (boxer shorts) over the diapers - they never show...

    And whilst we tried to incorporate some Diaper-Play in the sex life at one time, I was the one who really didn't like it. Well to me that's something "personal" / "private".
    The other thing me and my GF tried was the "changing" thing... actually she suggested it at one point. And I was like "aehm, well, eh .. .ok...". I freaked almost out.
    I hated it. It was completely "Wrong" to me.
    Now it is important, that this is "ME"... it might be completely different with anyone else, different for your DL-Boyfriend.

    None the less it is VERY IMPORTANT in any relationship to be able to set limits, to accept limits of each other.
    There's stuff I would never want to do... there's stuff my GF isn't comfy with... and there's a lot of stuff we both like.
    (We are into some other kinks together... I've got a few she doesn't like, and She's got a few I don't appreciate )... but we have a lot in common. Some stuff we figured out along the way, some we came to cherish from through the other person.
    We are very openminded and I think that's important as well.

    But again, YOU need to be able to be WITHIN YOUR COMFORT ZONE.... and HE needs to ACCEPT where your limits, likes, dislikes are.
    That is all about "respecting" the other person.

    So if he runs around in just a diaper and makes odd comments - tell him, you don't like that.
    If it's "OK" for you that he wears diapers, let him know... but you can and should tell him, that you don't want him around in JUST a diaper.
    About the wetting thing.... now if he is NOT incontinent and HAS A CHOICE and You don't like this at all, you can ask him to act some moderation.
    Like he shouldn't wet the diaper like constantly, but it's ok if he does it once in a while, as long as you DON't NOTICE.
    Also tell him to change frequently, wash, clean, etc... take good care of the hygiene ... smelling of urine is NASTY BUSINESS and very offensive to the people around you.

    In the long run, any relationship - no matter "how perfect a match the two of you are" - it's going to have some compromises mixed in. Any relationship needs "acceptance", needs a bit of an openmind.
    it needs respect from and for each of the involved.

    If he's able to be discrete and not all-out with his DL side, you will also have less of a struggle accepting it... this will again be a more rewarding situation.
    Also maybe there's a "kink" you have that you'd like to turn into "reality"... be open about this.... it's often a bit "quid pro quo".

    And well, anyone has limits, he needs to accept yours.

  7. #7


    This is clearly weighing on you heavily, so I would suggest you talk to him more about it. This would best be done not when he's wearing but at some more neutral time. It sounds like he's being somewhat insensitive or not understanding your concerns, but since you didn't really voice them to us, it may be that you haven't conveyed them calmly and clearly. Obviously, I'm biased in favor of liking diapers, but I'd ask you to really look at what your own objections are. Maybe you don't like the smell of urine? You're worried about it getting on furniture? These strike me as fair and practical concerns.

    However, from how you worded your post, I'd guess it's more along the lines that he's wearing something that we associate typically with babies and the aged incontinent and that he behaves in an unusual way while doing so. I expect you've gotten the basics down of the ABDL thing, that we don't ask for this, many of us try in vain to get rid of it, which can create immense stress. Coming to terms with it personally is typically a long and difficult journey and although I can't speak for everyone, it seems that sharing it with another person, particularly one who doesn't intrinsically understand to be an order of magnitude more difficult. ABDLs flaunt societal norms, but typically we do so in private or with those we love and trust. How is this different from how love is typically shared? The accessories change, but the needs they serve are the same.

    He's sharing something with you that comes from a deep place, and although it's weird, I think you're privileged to see it. We erect so many barriers to protect ourselves in day to day life. When you find someone to love, it's a chance to drop some of those, and really get to know someone. Now you're getting to really know him. The ABDL thing is not the be all and end all of his personality, but it's obviously an important component and he's okay with you seeing this really raw part of him. You'll have to decide ultimately if you're okay with it, but I would suggest that you look at it more with an eye that it shows how special you are to him that you get to see him this way. If you can find the right angle to look at it, you might even find it can be appealing.

  8. #8


    This is like deja vu. I am currently in your boyfriend's position, and my girlfriend made a post much like yours a few days ago. There was lots of great advice in the thread she made here:

    I can only imagine if your boyfriend is anything like me, coming out to you must have been one of the most difficult things for him, and means that he REALLY trusts you.

    I dont think its unreasonable for you to feel this way, but I do think it is important that you dont ask him to change. It is a part of who we are, and is very unlikely to change. However, that doesnt mean that you cant compromise and set down some rules (i.e no wetting them around you).

    If you have any questions feel free to PM me or my GF (needingguidance).

  9. #9


    All great advise from above. The only thing I can add is that I think he has come on to fast and furious, which has given you too much to process in too short a time period. The truth is that we are weird, wanting to wear and use diapers, and often acting, to some extent, like babies. Like others, I came out to my wife with all of this, and fortunately, she has been very accepting. I try to be considerate of her sensibilities, and she tries to accommodate my little side by buying me footed jammies, plushies, onsies, etc.

    I think there are some questions which I have, and I suspect some others do as well. How often is your SO in "baby mode"? My wife knows I'll be in "little" mode maybe two or three times a week, and sometimes less. Is your boy friend constantly wanting to be participating as a baby, diapers, etc., every night, or just a few per week? We often talk about balance on this site, having a time when we regress, and other times when we don't. Your night time, the time you share as a couple should not always be baby centered, and in fact, given your feelings, I would say they should be on the shorter side, maybe three nights out of seven, or something which works as a compromise for you.

    If he is always in "little mode" when home, you are going to have problems given as to how you feel. I might add that you are justified in having your feelings, and I must side with you if he's not compromising. If there is compromise and you still hate it, even if he only wears a diaper two or three times a week, then it's possible that this isn't something that you are going to be able to live with. Frankly, it's understandable. We are a rare group.

    It is important to realize that this isn't something which any of us have chosen, just like sexual orientation. We don't know why we have these feelings, but we do, and they can be very strong and sexually linked. They are for me, and it's why I had to divulge it to my wife. I simply could not live without it.

    You have a lot more discussing to do and I hope you both can meet some place in the center. All marriages are based on compromises, and no marriages are perfect. If he's kind and loving, considers you and wants you to be happy, you should be able to work this out. Remember that wearing diapers probably makes him ecstatically happy, especially if he can share his little side with you, as you are the one he loves. I hope you make it.

  10. #10


    dogboy ; He wants to be in " little mode " probably more than I am aware of, but I because we`ve had the talks about it, Hes not mentioned it to me once. The last time I caught him wearing a diaper was about 2 weeks ago, when I went to wake him up. It dosnt bother me , whatsoever when he wears diapers. It only bothers me, when he wants to wet it ..
    I know that is a factor of being an ABDL , but I unfortunately am a germ-a-phob, and I do not like any type of bodily fluid in that sense. He gets frustrated ( from the expressions, and the emotions he gives off) when I tell him that it bothers me .. He asks me sometimes to change his diaper, but I just can`t .. It upsets him .. I just dont know what to say to him to try to make him understand ... He needs to realize this is hard for me too

    To all others ;
    Thankyou for all the great advice(: I will defiantly take a lot of replies into consideration.

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