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Thread: Pity Or guilt?

  1. #1

    Default Pity Or guilt?

    Hi guys,

    I know itís been a while since I posted and I know Iím normally depressed when I post but it has been a roller coaster over the last six months and have been so depressed for a number of reasons that I have been lacking energy to even journal on a regular basis on worst days I lack the energy to even type. I installed Dragon to try and make sense of my brain so I apologize for any punctuation issues or blocks of text in advance.

    So I met this girl Sarah in September at the college that I go to. We seemed to hit it off really well, I ended up walking her home the first day I met her and she offered to cook for me that same Saturday (venison stew I recall). I started out as a tutor for her and things seemed to progress pretty quickly. I ended up spending the majority of my time at her house and most nights I regretted going home. I found out she had been a foster child, taken out of the house at 14 been through three foster homes and a group home before being transferred into a Independent living program.

    Within four days of meeting her she decided she wanted to have me over one night because we decided that we would just go to school together the next day. Sarah had class I didnít. So I spent the majority of my day waiting for her. I called up my aunt and told her that Sarah and I along with her state worker Kathy would be over to pick me up some clothes because I had told her that I was going to spend Thanksgiving with her and that we would be over on Thursday night for dinner. We had a rather busy day that day, we picked up some ramps for my electric wheelchair so I could get Sarahís house easier and then we went over to grab my stuff from my aunt. Who wouldíve thought that that would be the very beginning of a roller coaster with Sarah.
    That night when I had gone over to grab my stuff from my aunt, my aunt was intoxicated and decided to grope me in front of Sarah and her state worker. Being used to my auntís abuse, I was a little tense but ultimately shook it off. Sarah however, went into a full-blown panic attack unbeknownst to me Sarah had forgotten to take her meds that morning so she was already unstable. Sarah had an appointment with their therapist that night so her state worker dropped her and I off at her appointment, I waited for Sarah to finish and I walked Sarah home. Sarah went into a downward spiral when we got home and I witnessed one of the first PTSD attacks that I would endure with Sarah coupled with her first OD.

    We both end up in the emergency room one because Iím too riddled with anxiety to be home alone and Sarah just because she was freaked out because of the abuse that I suffered that night triggered flashbacks of her fatherís sexual abuse toward her. We go home and we both pass out we decide to go out the next day but I couldnít shake Sarah from going into a panic attack that day also. At this point she had been in the ER twice in less than 12 hours.

    Happy to see her home I just let her sleep until Thanksgiving morning when she told me that would be going to her bishopís house for Thanksgiving dinner. Black Friday I took her out shopping bought her a necklace and a custom teddy bear along with some stuff for some floral arrangements that she wanted to do. Saturday we spent Saturday putting stuff together. Saturday night into Sunday morning she decided to overdose on Tylenol. For those of you counting three ER visits in less than a week the EMTs began to think I was part of the issue. Sunday morning her state worker comes by and take everything that out of the house medication wise. Things go off without a hitch until my birthday December 20.Ö

    Things went haywire that night when she received a call from her state worker saying that her services will be cut because I was living with her at that point and that I would never be enough to support Sarah and I alone. This prompts her to OD on 18 Percocets that she had received due to a back injury earlier that month. I had no idea and she had told me until about three hours later when she asked me to crawl inside the bed with her and watch your I noticed her eyes were pinpointed and decided to call the EMTs again around 3 oíclock that morning I received a call from the hospital that she was in the be admitted for Tylenol overdose and opiate poisoning. Hell of a birthday present. She ends up spending her birthday which was on the 23rd Christmas in part of New Yearís day, the 31st in the psych ward.

    After her meds were supposedly fixed she went into a multiple personality episode about three days after that and Attacked me she came home and I believe that was the first night we had sex. She stole my v Card :-)

    fast-forward about a week to 14 January and we had a little bit of an argument over her suppose it back injury that I believed was all bull because counting ER visits for her back and everything else combined she was at 15 ER visits. She ends up leaving for a hotel that night I stayed home to take care of the Cat two days later I am a restraining order on me I get pulled out of my house and sent back to my aunt because she claimed abuse and because she says I was verbally abusive. Iím disabled okay there is is no way I can abuse somebody thatís 220 pounds.

    I end up having to withdraw from the college because she claimed that that was her college and the court date wasnít until February 11 I filed for a three-day in the court case was on the 29th she couldnít prove anything and within two days of this decision we were back together. I got back with her simply because I didnít like being home. I took her out for Valentineís Day at a comedy club and I spent the majority of my day and night with her found out she was off meds the night she filed the restraining order.

    Things have gotten better but she has been more and more unstable and I feel that Iím just a masochist because it doesnít seem like it is getting better with in the past two weeks she jumped in the river twice and overdosed once. Iím at my wits end but I donít know what she will do if I break up with her.
    Advice please?

  2. #2


    Quote Originally Posted by goodnightmoon92 View Post
    Advice please?
    Oy vay! Do you know what she will do...if you don't break up with her? I think not...

    You asked for advice, and hopefully I don't wander too far off the 'reservation'...

    From my perspective, neither one of you has any good business to be with the other...I might go as far as to extend that to any committed, long-term, romantic relationship (for now anyway).

    Now this is just my own humble opinion...I am not a professional! ...I have experiences that roughly equates to both sides of these issues... Neither one of you is in a position, or of the present capabilities or resources to be of any kind of help to the other...much-less your own-selves. In-fact, it's probable that you'll do each-other, and yourselves more harm at this point.

    If I were you, and to some degree I have been in your 'shoes' must leave NOW, and be prepared to obtain a no-contact/anti-harassment order...sooner, rather than later...and very decisively (don't 'waffle')...'cut & run', don't look back, don't go back! Seriously! Don't tell her where you may be going, or leave a phone number...I don't believe that you should go to your aunt either...

    As for your concern of Sarah's well-being...being an adult 'survivor' of childhood-sexual-abuse myself...she's got plenty to deal with...but she needs only competent, and confident assistance! Being intertwined in a co-dependent relationship, only keeps her from coming to terms with the 'real' issues, that she has yet to deal with! The risks of what she may or may-not do after you leave...while potentially regrettable...are actually no greater (perhaps less so) than if you stayed...and though your actions may be an influence...ultimately she holds the responsibility for her own actions! Same goes for you... If you were expecting easy...forget it! You can still hope though...just don't count on it!

    For what it's worth...I am here for you, as much as I can be...but, without enabling you! I'll say again IMMHO, it's only likely to get worse should you procrastinate...don't look and wait for that 'better-time' to do this...but make sure too, that you are in a safe place FIRST!..short of chance...there is no easy feel-good way for this to end...but I believe that it must...though I certainly may be wrong...I wouldn't suggest these things if I thought otherwise!

    My opinion, with best wishes!

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