I am a closet baby girl who has never met anyone of a similar mindset before. Even as a real-life baby, I had tremendous difficulty leaving diapers and my baby-hood, and would secretly wear them through my childhood. No one, even my parents, ever knew of this.
Unfortunately, this mindset caused me a lot of difficulty in my social life, because I would look to my female friends as mommy-figures, even though they had no idea of secret life, and most would react negatively to my neediness and become confused by my increasingly childish behavior. When I'd find myself faced with rejection from my unwitting friends, it would tear me apart inside, I wanted so badly for someone to take the hand I was reaching out. I even had friends who would give a half-response, and treat me somewhat like a child (a couple friends would spank me, just while I was standing up, if I did something bad), but I always felt to shy to let them know what that really meant to me and how far I wanted to take it. I even started to do things wantonly to hurt myself, like falling off of chairs, just for the attention, protectiveness and child-like punishment I might receive.
Clearly, this isn't a healthy or productive way of experiencing my fantasy, and involves probably unwilling participants. Now that I have been reading and researching, it seems like so many people have been able to find mommies, big sisters or babysitters to play out their fantasies with in mutual enjoyment.
I am aching for this, but I have no idea how or where to find someone! I am a college student and extremely poor (much to poor for distance travel or hiring a dominatrix). I have checked out a couple networking sites, but those don't have many mommies/big sisters, they have mostly males and other ABs, and the mommies they do have tend to be significantly older than me.
I only would feel safe with someone who felt like a friend as well, close to my age or slightly older (21-29), and female. This feels impossible sometimes, but as I continue to act stupid around my regular friends, I am becoming more and more desperate! I am feeling so trapped not to be myself!!