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Thread: A tricky question about coming out.

  1. #1

    Default A tricky question about coming out.

    This is about exposing the DL side of me to a friend.

    The low-down:

    I have been contemplating exposing this side of me to my closest friend of 30 years. We have literally grown up together and known each other since the 4th grade. He has a very vested fetish/kink that is perhaps almost unique as *bdl'ism, that: being a "foot-fetish", and is quite versed in how secretive and humiliating it can be. He confided in me after knowing me for quite some time and I could tell it was a weight off his chest.

    The scenario:

    I do not fear his rejection as I am sure he would understand and maybe be relieved to some degree that he can closely relate to someone with a socially misunderstood kink. I do fear that I may be using him to gauge the social understanding of *bdl'ism because he is someone well versed in the world of kink/fetishes as he has alot more experience in his exploration on-line than I do.

    The question:

    Should/do I go through with it being the only thing I can gain is by hearing his unfiltered answers about what he knows about *bdl? Am I being selfish in this manner? Is it a further way to bond with him? Does it help either of us by exploring unchartered territory in a perhaps small common ground? Should I just keep it a secret as it involves an utmost secretive side of me?

    I have explored this idea for quite some time and am wondering if my thinking has become muddled in the process and I am simply being afraid of nothing or being realistically cautious of using his perspective for my own gain.

  2. #2

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    I'm not sure I'd qualify a foot-fetish as being "almost as unique as *bdl'ism". I think socially a foot fetish is more acceptable, or "easier to stomach" to those who don't understand a fetish. I think the biggest question you have to ask yourself is "What do I have to gain by coming out to this person?" Is there really that much weight on your chest? Does ADISC provide you with enough acceptance and understanding from it's community to help lift that weight? Do you really need someone outside of this community to understand you as well? If the answer is yes, then go for it...but even though you've thought long and hard about it...maybe you should take some more time.

    Good Luck.

    -Gus

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by Angusmac View Post
    I'm not sure I'd qualify a foot-fetish as being "almost as unique as *bdl'ism". I think socially a foot fetish is more acceptable, or "easier to stomach" to those who don't understand a fetish. I think the biggest question you have to ask yourself is "What do I have to gain by coming out to this person?" Is there really that much weight on your chest? Does ADISC provide you with enough acceptance and understanding from it's community to help lift that weight? Do you really need someone outside of this community to understand you as well? If the answer is yes, then go for it...but even though you've thought long and hard about it...maybe you should take some more time.

    Good Luck.

    -Gus
    In regards to this I guess my main question is: Am I seeking an "outside answer" to the social norm of *bdl'ism? Is it fair to pawn this off to my best friend? It really isn't a weight i wish to unload. i can do that here and have quite efficiently thanks to all of you on ADISC. My curiosity lies in how "pinged" the kink/fetish is. Does it come across the airwaves of the internet so-to-speak? Am I being selfish in searching an unfiltered answer to these questions? It just dawned on me: I could bring it up in a sort-of-by-way sort of way.

    He is the only one I know that could give a truly honest answer to the perception of the *bdl world in the social media. You bring to question a new light on the curiosity itself. Is this kink as socially repugnant as we believe or simply unheard of? I hate to think that I am relying on my friend who has nothing to gain from it other than to feed my own curiosity.

    I have, however, sat and listened for hours his interests in his kinks. Hmmmm.

  4. #4

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    Hello there.

    The question of 'should-I-tell-person-x' does seem to come up quite regularly here.

    Personally, my opinion depends on the relationship status between you and the other person. If you have a sexual, serious relationship with them, then yeah cool. In those circumstances I don't believe any fetish/kink should be off limits. When with normal friends, such as the scenario above, I would tend to not advise mentioning our *BDL desires. We all know it is harmless pleasure, and we all get wonderful satisfaction from participating in it, but to the outside world what we do could certainly be misunderstood, or even cause offense.

    Foot fetish and the likes have over the years been joked about in TV shows, movies, etc. and my personal opinion is that it has become quite an innocent and unsurprising kink, tolerated and hardly even taboo. An adult dressing up as a baby, and going potty in his/her diaper is likely a little more shocking to most.

    Share your thoughts and ideas with us here in this safe environment, and perhaps see if your friend initiates more intimate and "shocking" kinks before you open up about yours.

    Wish you all the best
    andrew.

  5. #5
    H0TWH33LS

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    Quote Originally Posted by Soakingboy View Post
    Hello there.

    The question of 'should-I-tell-person-x' does seem to come up quite regularly here.

    When with normal friends, such as the scenario above, I would tend to not advise mentioning our *BDL desires. We all know it is harmless pleasure, and we all get wonderful satisfaction from participating in it, but to the outside world what we do could certainly be misunderstood, or even cause offense.

    Foot fetish and the likes have over the years been joked about in TV shows, movies, etc. and my personal opinion is that it has become quite an innocent and unsurprising kink, tolerated and hardly even taboo. An adult dressing up as a baby, and going potty in his/her diaper is likely a little more shocking to most.

    Share your thoughts and ideas with us here in this safe environment, and perhaps see if your friend initiates more intimate and "shocking" kinks before you open up about yours.

    Wish you all the best
    andrew.
    Andrew, great post I could not agree more with you POV. I have lived in secrecy about my ABDL side for almost all of my life and I can honestly say I've only ever "come out" to one person in my life about this side of me. Before I began my dive into the world of BDSM and Alt. lifestyles I was uneducated, scared and naive. Through months of exploration I feel like I have fully come to embrace this lifestyle of mine and I would not have things any other way.

    Accepting this side of myself has been a long drawn out process but has given me an opportunity to embrace other kinks and aspects of BDSM. I could not agree more with keeping BDL desires between you and your S/O. In a very large way I think it could come to be such a turn on having this extremely kinky sexy lifestyle only you and your partner indulge in together. I am not saying that I would be opposed to keeping everybody in my life in the dark but as you mentioned some people might find an adult dressing up as a baby a bit shocking.

    I would NEVER recommend anyone keep secrets from someone you plan sharing the rest of your life with, because if you cannot trust the person you love the most then what is the point? Intimacy is about shared connections and a mutual acceptance and understanding of one another - inside and out. You should be grateful you have seemed to find such an accepting partner but if you assume IN ANY WAY keeping him "shut out" is doing any good I would seriously ask you to reconsider.

  6. #6

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    I think that having any fetish can be an isolating experience. I would think that anything that helps people with fetishes connect with each other would generally be a good thing. I know if any of my close friends had a fetish I would want to know. I would want to be able to tell them that I know how hard it can be and that I am there for them if they ever need to vent.

    That being said, I don't think there is any need to specify the fetish. If he is persistent in asking and you are confident he will be non-judgmental, then sure - go for it. Otherwise, I would say to keep it general.

    Conclusion (in my opinion): wanting to test how people outside the community view ABDLism is not a sufficient reason to tell your friend. Wanting to draw closer to your friend by establishing more common ground is. Best of luck!

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by ilostthesheriff View Post
    In regards to this I guess my main question is: Am I seeking an "outside answer" to the social norm of *bdl'ism? Is it fair to pawn this off to my best friend? It really isn't a weight i wish to unload. i can do that here and have quite efficiently thanks to all of you on ADISC. My curiosity lies in how "pinged" the kink/fetish is. Does it come across the airwaves of the internet so-to-speak? Am I being selfish in searching an unfiltered answer to these questions? It just dawned on me: I could bring it up in a sort-of-by-way sort of way.
    I don't think you should. There is not a need to and you say yourself that you don't want to. As far as gauging his knowledge of the fetish... I don't know how relevant the information you find would be. If he has a fetish, I think we can assume he would be more accepting and knowledgeable of other fetishes in general - so you aren't really getting the perspective of society at large anyway.

    I don't think your friend is truly "unfiltered" in this respect.

    I know that I have scrolled through the Wikipedia article on paraphilias. I did that as a direct consequence of discovering the Wikipedia article for paraphilic infantilism several years ago. I don't know how I would have been brought there if I did not have an interest in diapers. I'm sure I'm aware of fetishes that other people would never think of.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by cr5311 View Post
    Conclusion (in my opinion): wanting to test how people outside the community view ABDLism is not a sufficient reason to tell your friend. Wanting to draw closer to your friend by establishing more common ground is. Best of luck!
    I think this is sensible advice. I don't think you're likely to learn much about how outsiders view ABDLism by talking with your friend. His perspective is likely to be distinctive for several reasons. He's your friend, so he may be inclined to put a positive spin on things. He has a fetish himself, so he may find it easier to relate to your experience. On the other hand, your friend seems to have been deeply ashamed about one of the commonest and least squicky fetishes. So he may perceive more social stigma than there actually is.

    In any case, I don't think you're likely to learn much about social attitudes toward ABDLs by talking with just one person. I don't see how you could learn more that what you already know: some people have never heard of ABDLs, some people have heard of ABDLs and are squicked out, and some people have heard of ABDLs and are accepting or at least open minded. It's really hard to know how many people are in each group because Gallup doesn't exactly do polls on this.

    I do think it may be worth telling your friend if you think it would deepen your friendship, or if it would help you to have someone in real life you could trust to talk about these things with. It's a tough call, but I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here.

    People have different attitudes about how much they share with close friends. Personally, I've told most of my close friends that I'm kinky and that I'm into bondage, but I generally don't share more details of my sex life--including vanilla details, as well as the fact that I have a diaper fetish. (Edit: I'm a lot more open with other ABDLs and with people I know from the leather/fetish community.) But I know some people are a lot more open in talking about sex with close friends. A lot depends on how private you are, how private he is, and how close you feel.
    Last edited by buridan; 20-Mar-2013 at 05:58.

  9. #9

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    a good friend of mine recently told me he is a crossdresser, and has been since he was 9. just to make him feel more at ease, and less like a freak, i told him i enjoy wearing wet diapers, and have since i was 12. we're still good friends :-) i vote yes!
    Last edited by whisko; 20-Mar-2013 at 04:39. Reason: accidental early post

  10. #10

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    Another thing to consider is that having a kink oneself does not mean that you will not find others' kinks disgusting. I'd base my judgement on the nature of the friendship, not the nature of the friend.

    Having a secret side can be both enjoyable and very isolating, particularly if it is one that encompasses a big part of one's life (as DL tends to do). I suspect that for most of us, the urge to out oneself is related to that isolation. It is the relief of breaking that isolation that is the payoff, not necessarily support from the other (which is often too much to ask). But the big risk is that coming out might make the isolation _much_ worse. Particularly if you are talking about a friend of so many years.

    It's hard and there is no way to know for sure. But most of all, if it goes badly don't let it isolate you from the world completely. This board helps. And there are still many contacts for you to make in your life. Losing a longstanding one is very sad, but it happens to everyone and almost all of us survive it.

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