This might get a little lengthy and I'm not sure if this is the most appropriate place to put it so I apologize.
I have a bit of a problem with the DL side of me. I'm still dealing with the whole binge-purge thing a lot and as everyone knows it really sucks. I'm coming off a purge and things are kind of evening out now, which is where they usually stay unless I start thinking about things too much. Now that my head's a little clearer and I've had time to actually put some thought into what it is that my problem is, I'm realizing that I'm not sure how to solve it. I'll admit that I'm a little impatient too, which isn't really helpful.
The problem seems to be that I feel really guilty about wearing. I don't have a problem with the fact that I'm a DL, in and of itself. Wearing in and of itself isn't a huge problem, but it does seem to come down to what. I can go and wear makeshift all I want (towel folded into briefs, t-shirt in briefs, whatever) and I'm totally okay with it. For some reason though when I get into wearing the real deal or even thinking too much about it, I just start feeling really guilty about it. I've done goodnites and that was pretty much okay, I've done abenas, and that was pretty much not...Thinking back, that was probably what triggered my last purge, since I was mostly okay, only doing things in moderation, and I just wasn't happy. While I've probably saved myself tons of money by not going out and buying disposables very often, this is really a big problem for me seeing as I do get the urge to wear and...it's hard to do anything about it.
I assume it probably has to do with the fact that my parents' idea of discipline...or just generic disapproval is really passive aggressive and focuses on making whoever it is they're talking to feel horrifically guilty. I've grown out of it really affecting me because I eventually just got used to it and stopped caring, but they've done this for everything from me having food allergies to me being gay. Given that that's their way of dealing with things, and I have some nasty memories of them forcing me to wash my sheets in the bathtub or otherwise for wetting the bed, I can probably pretty safely assume they went the same route wayy back when I was getting potty trained and now I have this ingrained problem with wearing (which admittedly I'm glad to have discovered this now as a DL rather than later on should I end up with a medical need to wear once I'm much older). I think it more or less focuses on 'why am I doing this', 'this is weird/gross/whatever', 'I don't really need them" or some theme like that.
So, I really don't know what to do about this. I'm wondering if it would be worth trying cloth AIOs instead if it's something specifically oriented towards disposables since that's what I was a kid in. Either way, it's a really big problem for me that somehow or another I need to get over because it's making me really miserable. At this point too now that I'm with someone who I've told and who is accepting, binging and purging and being miserable for it isn't just affecting me.