I'd rather have a panda bear jack me off with a glove covered in broken glass.
So, I go home on the 19th after a long day of work and class, and I think, "Hey, I'm going to play a little bit of Call of Duty: World at War and kill some zombies before I hit the bed," right? So I turn it on, and it begins downloading the whole ravingly awesome new Xbox dashboard that they've been touting for about six months. I was skeptical -- I liked the old dashboard and what it managed to do for me in its simple and organized way. I wanted not to lose the individuality that I put into making the interface function well for myself.
Needless to say, I was a little afraid of their big "Xbox Live Experience Update," and I have to admit, my fears came true: this thing works about as well as trying to stick your weiner in a sink-bottom garbage disposal. Let me dictate a few absolute failures that make this retarded new interface blow more dick than a toothless whore looking for her next rail of coke.
1) If your themes even work, you're just paying for a picture.
Yes, remember how you downloaded those nifty themes that added pictures of your favorite games, characters, and movies in the background of the Xbox navigation blades? Well, my friend, you just got ass-boned out of about two bucks (which you probably shouldn't have spent in the first place), and your Xbox is prepared to look like a complete splatter of donkey bullshit. With the lack of blades means that your themes, which had several pictures in them, only have one -- your background picture behind the menus. You can't change it, you can't move it, and it won't change to the other pictures. If that's not enough, there's a big fat gray half-sphere that floats in the background behind all of that crap to give you a "soft background" on which to do your "interactive browsing."
Fuck that. Retards fuck me better than this brutally mangled piece of navigative bullshit. Where's my awesome Dark Knight theme? It's there, but I only get a stupid-ass picture of his motorcycle instead of the awesome picture of the Joker I had before. Where's my Castlevania: Symphony of the Night theme? I bought it for about a buck ... oh, and I guess it just doesn't work for this new dashboard!
Thanks, Microsoft. Go toss a dildo into your mouth and enjoy eating it, along with my hard-earned cash.
2) Avatars. Seriously, what the fuck? Who cares? I come to play games, not to play dress-up in some Pussyville broadway show where I get to play the dicksucker and Microsoft gets to pound me in my ass-cavity. There's no option to "Look Fucking Awesome," so I'm left with "Look Like A Nintendo Rip-Off Douchebag." What a consumated cock-grab. Thanks for marching me off to the electronic equivalent of a Nazi death-camp.
If I wanted cute avatars, I'd get a Nintendo. Instead, I got an Xbox. I guess maybe I have only myself to blame for that tiger-tit monstrosity of a horrible choice.
3) I came to play games, dickhead. Oh, and the menu navigation licks asshole. I come to play games, not diddle-dawdle around with menus to try to get to where I can play my game and enjoy myself. I don't want the "epitome of social interactive entertainment." I don't give a shit about all of this downloading movies and masturbatory dick-poopery Xbox suddenly implemeneted -- if I wanted that, I'd go to Blockbuster. I want to put my game in, play it, and have my Xbox do nothing but like it. Instead, I'm given a pizza-faced pop-culture explosion of wet diarrhea asking me to spend my money, get nothing in return, and waddle home with a bleeding asshole. The menu navigation is entirely reversed from the original style, and nothing is the same.
This radical new Xbox Experience is about as much of an experience as getting ass-raped by a hyena in the middle of a freezing forest with nobody around to hear your screams, and even if they did, you'd be mute and you'd have to suffer the anal semen-tazing you were meant to receive.
Fuck you, Xbox. Your new update is a piece of shit. I hope your developers die in car accidents, because you fucked with my easy gaming experience, and I kill children for that.
I give this clusterfuck of tomfuckery a zero out of bloody butt-plugs.