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Thread: accepting sexuality

  1. #1

    Default accepting sexuality

    A thread on asexuality(on another site) has made me realize something fundamental. if you find yourself totally not interested or scared even of having sex with a woman but you actually crave and are excited for the same with men. you are gay. not bi sexual and not straight and not asexual. im still trying to accept that. the fact i enjoy the companionship with woman but not sex again is a typical gay identifier. I have identified as straight pretty much my whole life except for a year when i identified both as a bisexual man and gay. that was the funnest year but I stopped because i missed the companionship of woman and I felt the immense feeling of loss. mostly due to the fact I want more kids and because society does a good job of ingraining the norman rockwell white picket fence and all american dinner table in our brains. you do feel like you will miss out. i know many gay men have kids and amazing families but at the same time many dont. so i must get beyond all these feelings before I will truly be happy. thank you OP!

    so what are your thoughts on anything mentioned? why is it so hard to be straight your whole life or at least identify as straight and then have evidence that is strong and confirming that you are gay instead and be able to accept that? some thing else I thought about too is my daughter growing up. I dont want her to be teased growing up and we live in a society that still allows that to happen. Anything else this thread brings to mind please put it on the table.

  2. #2


    I have been in your boat, really most of my life. I lived an exclusively gay life all through college, but I never envisioned myself spending my life with another man. Since my boyfriend got drafted following college, I moved to Ohio and met the woman who would become my wife and the mother of my children. I have never regretted my choice. I'm not a Casanova, or great love maker, and diapers turn me on more, but I have been able to make do. I don't enjoy straight porn, and generally look to some gay porn when in the mood, but I have no desire to have a relationship with a man. I just consider myself as complicated.

    I think you have to be comfortable with yourself, and go in the direction that will make you happiest. For me, having a family, living the white picket fence American lifestyle, suits me. I love my family and children, and I very much love my wife. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. You must weigh all your wants and see where the scale tips. Only you can make this very difficult decision. I wish you well, and know that I'm always here for you. You can PM me any time, since I've been there.

  3. #3


    I just wanted to point out that sexuality is about sexual attraction, and not about engaged sexual contact or preferred companionship, or anything. You can even enjoy the sex, that doesn't change your sexual attraction per se.

    Something else I wanted to point out is these labels are entirely irrelevant, and all they do is cause discrimination "Oh, he's not one of 'us' he's one of 'them'". It's okay that people make labels like this, but it makes absolutely no difference. If you do wish to label yourself for whatever reason, choose whatever makes you feel happy. Now, of course don't blatantly lie to yourself, choose something remotely accurate at least and feel good about who you are. Choose to feel good about what you do, how you act, etc.

    Just, when it comes down to it the label is entirely irrelevant, and sometimes complex to place, but you don't have to have the label! I think the sooner people realize that they should just do what makes them feel happy...

    The hardest part is realizing and accepting your actual sexuality, and while I can understand peoples difficulties it really shouldn't bother you that much. In most cases this is caused by a level of self-disappointment brought on by society and family pressure to go out, get married, have children, etc. In addition all the discrimination towards other sexualities by numerous organizations. This isn't fair, it isn't right, and it's destroying peoples lives. Sit back and realize that your happiness is substantially more important than those around you, especially those of which are spewing hatred out of every orifice.

    As an example, I identify as asexual because I am not sexually attracted to men, or women. Not one single bit, I have absolutely no sexual attraction towards them. However, I am in an almost 2 year relationship with my boyfriend.

    - Lobie

  4. #4


    Sex isn't important to the sexuality of Asexual's but for Gay men who enjoy sex or straight men who enjoy sex it is. Also while you say labels aren't important, they are an important part of how we as a society interact with each other. Every one wants to know who every one is. Labels help in doing that. Are they perfect? not the least bit, however they can help. I also believe they can be hurtful when its hard to except "this" is who you are. For me being attracted to men is hard for me because of societal expectations which help create my expectation. The excites me. The rest...I'm still learning about. I do know I don't just want my relationships to be about sex. I need so much more than that. Thank you for your long response. I just feel you may have tried to over simplify some thing which is so complicated and cant be simplified.

  5. #5


    Quote Originally Posted by Lobie View Post
    I just wanted to point out that sexuality is about sexual attraction, and not about engaged sexual contact or preferred companionship, or anything. You can even enjoy the sex, that doesn't change your sexual attraction per se.
    Oh my friend, I entirely disagree. Sexuality, sensuality, companionship and friendship are all infinitely and complexly linked, more so than the majority of people would admit or even care to think about. All also evolve and change over time, and can influence each other over and over and over again. Even though you're a-sexual I can't help but think you're seeing this whole topic in such a narrow sense.

    This is something I've pondered on for many hours. I consider myself lucky to have so many close friends who have such an open sex life that I am, at least in some ways, a part of and able to observe. So I do consider my view in this matter to be unusually wide in its scope. Sexuality is not just about sexual attraction and is by no means a fixed two-dimensional thing, as you suggest, that never changes.

    Side Note: Personally I am much keener to develop the sensual side of myself. Perhaps with a close friend or my boyfriend. It does help things along if you find these people attractive, whether that be sexually, sensually attractive or even attractive as a companion and close friend. Compartmentalising one's sexuality never works. Everyone is infinitely different, complex and constantly evolving sexually and sensually. I really do find all this fascinating. It's a shame it's so taboo in modern society, it'd otherwise be my topic of choice!

  6. #6


    Personally, I don't worry about my sexuality, because I neither define it, nor do I let it define me. I am who I am, and I like what I like. That goes for cars, food, electronics, and yes, sex. Liking certain things doesn't make me a member of some group, a bad person, or anything else. It just makes me... well... me.

    If you meet someone and truly believe that you'd love to spend the rest of your life with them, I don't see any reason to let gender stop you. Just be happy that you've found someone that you feel that way about.

  7. #7



    I haven't been around for awhile, pretty much inactive for at least a year or so.

    It has been a crazy year for me, I must say, especially in regard to the topic at hand. My sexuality has always been different from the other boys. However, thankfully with the amount of time that has passed, i've learned a bit about myself. I personally find myself wanting to be in a relationship with a man, but find men mostly physically unattractive. With women, I find them attractive but I don't see myself in a relationship with one.

    But like I had mentioned, the past year has been really eventful and interesting. So much so that i've now something else to consider in addition to my sexuality; Gender.

    I'm becoming more and more comfortable with the idea or the label of being transgender. I suppose it is a bit different than sexuality but I believe our mechanisms for understanding, and coping are similar. I still have quite a journey as coming to terms with something like this has turned my world upside-down.

    All I know is that comparing my current self to my previous self a year ago, I feel a lot more at peace. It's so liberating to be myself.

    Just be you.

    Ignore the labels, even when you find solace in them. The labels are there so that we don't feel so alone in our struggles. For me however, I was afraid of certain labels adhering to me so I put on an elaborate act that only I failed to see the futility in. Worse of all, I came off as insincere to people and just generally angry or on edge which only served to alienate me.

    It's 2013. Being Gay is mainstream, and being Trans should be the next social call for equality. If only I hadn't watched Jerry Springer and its transpohbic crap and such so much as a 90's kid, maybe I wouldn't have been so afraid to just be me.

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