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Thread: Girlfriend took a swing at me today.

  1. #1

    Default Girlfriend took a swing at me today.

    So, my girlfriend and I were talking about my mother giving me daily phone calls. being fiercely independent, I'm not exactly a fan. but, my girlfriend tried to explain that that is her way of coping. I came back at her, saying that I dont need to be coddled like a three year old, and im not in high school anymore. then, she said "not so"....in reference to the diapers.

    Now, my girlfriend being...well her, this was in no way a mean spirited comment....that being said, I dont exactly know how I feel

    She tried to reduce infantilism, in my case, to my past abuse as a child and a coping mechanism; something that could be dealt with in therapy.

    She's the most supportive girl ever....just not with this. She doesnt know how this is going to impact us in the long run (like, married and have kids long run)

    I really want this to be behind us. While I know that I made a good decision in telling her about the diapers...I'm regretting it. I know she was only trying to help. She feels that talking about it will "help me work through it".

    I dont like talking about it. Advice?

  2. #2
    H0TWH33LS

    Default

    How old are you? If you claim to be independent I assume you are living on your own and not relying on much (if anything) from your parents especially your mom. In my opinion if your mom can not let go and realize that has nothing to do with her and you need to communicate that this is something that does not involve her therefore she needs to either learn to accept this side of you and realize there is nothing she can do to help your situation. Sure, she can encourage you to seek out help but ultimately this is something YOU need to come to terms with. Personally I think it is unhealthy for any parent to expect a daily check in.

    As for things with your girlfriend you should feel fortunate enough that she is willing to stick with you through this, she sounds like a keeper. However, if this is something you can not even talk about openly with her then I think you really need to reevaluate the relationship. IMO the healthiest relationships are the ones where two committed partners are not afraid to be honest and should not fear judgment because true love is unconditional. Every relationship comes with baggage and if your girlfriend and you are committed to each other you will work on this together and leave your parents especially your mom out of it.

  3. #3

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    Dude, you're 18! Of course your mother wants to keep an eye on you! I'm 22 and have been living independently since I was 16 and my mum still calls and then comes round to my house if I don't answer every day! She even asks if I'll be ok if she goes away for the weekend! That's what mothers do! They care for you, and they worry about you, and they call you at inconvenient times to make sure you're ok and insist on having half hour long phonecalls about how things are going!

    To be honest, I can see your girlfriends point of view. You mother is trying to look out for you and make sure you're ok, and you're just throwing that all back in her face and then bitching to your girlfriend about it? Not cool, man!

    As for your girlfriend; I'm not an AB myself so I'm not really sure how it works, but I imagine she is genuinely trying to help you. She seems like a really nice and considerate girl. Maybe going to therapy (the two of you together) will help you both realise what needs to happen to keep your relationship happy and secure?

  4. #4

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    Lizard: Mom isn't involved with my diaper wearing, she doesnt know. But, maybe I misunderstood the first paragraph of your post. The girlfriend is a keeper she's wonderful, and I'm so thankful she's still with me...even after I told her. Most would have run away. I dont talk about things, and thats a fault in my character. the uncomfortable things are especially troublesome.

    Talula: I have this awful tendency to be ridiculously independent. Its a function of my parents not being around when I was younger. That being said, I still live with my parents when I'm not off at college. I'd like to talk about the AB thing a bit more with her before going to therapy. Shoot, I need to figure out where I stand.


    But, thank you both for the comments. Very helpful I think its time we sat down and had another talk about it.

  5. #5
    H0TWH33LS

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    Quote Originally Posted by Talula View Post
    As for your girlfriend; I'm not an AB myself so I'm not really sure how it works, but I imagine she is genuinely trying to help you. She seems like a really nice and considerate girl. Maybe going to therapy (the two of you together) will help you both realise what needs to happen to keep your relationship happy and secure?
    Are you suggesting going to therapy will make his relationship with his girlfriend more secure and happy? I am sorry but I do not see how this struggling relationship with his mother should have any impact on his relationship with his girlfriend. If anything the girlfriend should be there for you and listen without complaining that you may be "bitching." IMO your girlfriend should respect the differences in your relationship with your mother. Instead of being the "middle man" she should always be on your side while also giving you her honest life perspective.

    How long have you been with your girlfriend? It bothers me that she seems to "know it all" without trying to dissect this relationship. As you said she complains you bitch about your mother's depenncy issues and I think this is a red flag. Sure, anyone is going to get tired of someone continually complaining but if she cannot stand by you and at least listen with an open ear I think you seriously need to evaluate if this girl is worth your time.

    It really bothers me when people overstep their boundaries and impose their opinion on a situation when they may not have the full story. I see this like a big revolving circle, you bitch about your mother and then your girlfriend bitches about you bitching about your mother = never ending trouble. Instead of complaining you need to ask your girlfriend for help in resolving this relationship if that is something you feel will be healthy for you.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by H0TWH33LS View Post
    Are you suggesting going to therapy will make his relationship with his girlfriend more secure and happy? I am sorry but I do not see how this struggling relationship with his mother should have any impact on his relationship with his girlfriend. If anything the girlfriend should be there for you and listen without complaining that you may be "bitching." IMO your girlfriend should respect the differences in your relationship with your mother. Instead of being the "middle man" she should always be on your side while also giving you her honest life perspective.

    How long have you been with your girlfriend? It bothers me that she seems to "know it all" without trying to dissect this relationship. As you said she complains you bitch about your mother's depenncy issues and I think this is a red flag. Sure, anyone is going to get tired of someone continually complaining but if she cannot stand by you and at least listen with an open ear I think you seriously need to evaluate if this girl is worth your time.

    It really bothers me when people overstep their boundaries and impose their opinion on a situation when they may not have the full story. I see this like a big revolving circle, you bitch about your mother and then your girlfriend bitches about you bitching about your mother = never ending trouble. Instead of complaining you need to ask your girlfriend for help in resolving this relationship if that is something you feel will be healthy for you.
    Absolutely not, I'm saying (which you would realise if you had read my post) that the two of them should go to therapy together to discuss the AB aspect of their relationship. She's obviously not happy with it, and I can understand that, because for some parts of the relationship I'm in now, and my previous relationship, I wasn't happy with either. I think relationship counseling to discuss opposing fetishes, or one partners misunderstanding of the other fetish is a healthy the positive thing to do.

    I don't think that her commenting on his relationship with his mother is overstepping her boundaries. At the end of the day she is his girlfriend, and could one day end up his wife! His mother wants to know if he's ok. I don't think that's unreasonable, and apparently his girlfriend doesn't either so good for her! Maybe if you're a parent one day you'll understand. I'm certainly not, but I love the children I care for, and I can understand his mothers plight.

  7. #7
    H0TWH33LS

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    I agree counseling can be extremely effective and I would totally encourage you to explore this with your girlfriend and your mother. Personally I am going through similar issues with my own parents but thankfully have been heeding the reccomendation from my therapist to sever the relationship - for now. This may be hard for some people to understand unless you have actually dealt with extremely controlling parents but your situation reminds me of some of the things I discuss in counseling and have learned that this type of behavior is unhealthy for both parties. It sounds like you really do have an extremely understanding girlfriend but at the end of the day the relationship and problems surrounding it are between you and your mother (not your girlfriend).

    Allow me to clarify,

    I don't think that her commenting on his relationship with his mother is overstepping her boundaries.
    I agree that this is not overstepping anyone's boundaries, but I do think that she needs to realize she cannot solve these issues herself. She can encourage you to seek therapy and work on the relationship but I do not think it is fair for her to hold the failing relationship between you and your mother against you IMO.

  8. #8

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    When you decided to be open about your diaper interests you put yourself in a place where things won't always be perfect. Like everything it is important to take the good with the bad, and in this case the awkward and difficult situations that the openness will create.

    Therapy can be a powerful tool in learning to cope, understand, accept and to even make the best of what life has dealt to both you and your girlfriend.

    Still, there will be times that she will say or do things that just don't sit well with you. This is to be expected especially as she learns and grows in her relationship with you. When these things happen it is an important clue that something has her upset, confused, concerned, etc. Take the opportunity to openly discuss what is happening. Open conversation, especially in a non-judgmental manner on the part of both of you, has tremendous power to resolve whatever should crop up.

    As for your mother I say just man up and allow her to be your mother. Regardless of how it makes you feel it is important to know that she is your mother and this is not something that you just turn off. While this can create some complex relationship issues, I say keep it simple and assume she has only the most benevolent of motherly intentions in mind. Even if she doesn't, treating her with this sort of respect will only serve to better your relationship.

    I know you said that you don't like talking about things, but this is what you must do. If you rely on not talking there will be no communication, and this results in a failure to understand. If this happens and your girlfriend happens to make an assumption because there was no real communication, for example, then you really have no choice but to live with the situation that results. Remember, people that don't communicate rely on non-verbal means of communications which means, for the most part, that the parties are left to read emotions, actions, facial expressions, etc then to make assumptions. While this can be the source of some understanding it is more often the source of misunderstanding.
    Last edited by Garzilla; 12-Jan-2013 at 22:10. Reason: Corrected 2 auto corrected words

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by TARDISchaser View Post
    Talula: I have this awful tendency to be ridiculously independent. Its a function of my parents not being around when I was younger. That being said, I still live with my parents when I'm not off at college. I'd like to talk about the AB thing a bit more with her before going to therapy. Shoot, I need to figure out where I stand
    I'm basically the same as you, parents were always working so I tend not to talk to them much. I'm at uni and email my mum when necessary and skype with her every 2-3 weeks but she always wants to know what is going on when we do talk, you're only 18 and you have just left high school and while you may feel independent your mum will likely still view you as young because...well you are. You can be independent and still talk to your mum regularly, her doing all your cooking and cleaning would make you less independent but just talking to her is normal. You could ask her to make it a weekly phone call rather than every day but she may just miss you and want to talk, parents worry and she'll settle down soon but for the moment just let her call you if she wants.

  10. #10
    H0TWH33LS

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    I would just like to share that this thread has inspired me to seek out therapy regarding my own situation. As much as I am against the idea I have come to realize that family is the only thing that truly matters in life. I will admit it is not going to be easy bringing up old issues from the past but I genuinely believe that my parents want the best for me so I would like to be able to have a relationship with them. I would encourage anyone on this forum to seek out a third party if you are dealing with your own family issues because you need to realize that there is not anything more valuable than a genuinely loving hug from your mom, dad, brother or sister. I want to acknowledge how thankful I am for this website and the support from other anons. Feeling good tonight

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