Pretty sure I do not need to tell Mods to do their job, but everyone is doing it. If this is the wrong place, (which I'm pretty sure it isn't, unless you want to take it to the EC forum) please go ahead and take it where it's appropriate.
It just wouldn't be a new year without a thread about someone wanting to off themselves, now would it?
Yes, it's one of those threads.
I'm having quite a hard time seeing a reason not to commit suicide.
I mean, it appears as though my life just gets a little worse, and my future a lot more bleak every single day, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Well that's not true, there's always something I can do to stop it, but I lack the motivation and willpower to even try, and feel as though ending my life would be a much better alternative to anything.
I've practically been emotionally abused my entire life, by both my brother and mother. I bedwet at a young age, and my brother saw that as a way to get at me and insult me, being sure to tell just about everyone we ever met that 14 year old KuroCat peed his bed every night. That's incredibly mild to anything else he used to do it me. I was constantly thrown around and hit by the guy, who is 4 years older than I am. If he wanted something in the oven, he would scream at little ol' 11 year old me to pop it in the oven. it didn't matter if I had a friend over, he would simply grab me by the shirt and throw me onto the ground until I put whatever the hell it was in the oven. My parents intervened whenever possible, but they were never able to be around 100% of the time, as usual for parents.
I eventually moved away from my father and brother into my mother's house at the age of 15. She was kind to me then, but she then snapped about two years later, at the age of 17. I'm not sure what happened. She decided to inform me what a worthless pile of shit I am, and how I am not going to go anywhere in this world. She did it in front of friends and family, always making comments about my grades or how little of a future I have. I suffered great social phobias thanks to my brother, but for the person I truly trusted to turn on me so drastically like that completely ruined me. In November of 2011, I told her of my depression that I had been battling for years at that point. Her response was to tell me to get over this "being depressed bullshit" and threatened to throw me out of her home if I didn't. Jump to October of this year. Her hatefulness died down a bit. Until she came into my room in tears. She was mumbling on about God and other spiritual bullshit that I do not believe in, nor care enough to get involved in. She burns "sage" on a daily basis, and claims that she fights the devil and evil spirits. She's a lunatic. Anyways, I informed her that I do not believe in these spirits she is talking about. That caused her to burst into tears even harder, and claim that I was possessed by the devil. She began ranting on and on, screaming, in tears, how I am possessed by Satan.
"I will sooner kill you than let you have my son," she screamed at me while shoving me around, "how do you want to die? I've seen a lot of TV. Do you want me to get you knife so you may slit your throat? How about a gun, or a plastic bag?"
I, of course, left that night. I'm back again, months later. I don't know why. I have no where else to go. She continues to inform me that my future is bleak and I am going nowhere, reminding me that, because I was denied for Financial Aid, I am "going to be working at Arby's for the rest of my life, feeding off everyone's wallets," and that the only way I can help myself is by "taking money out of everyone's pockets." I cannot go to the store without her threatening to throw me out of the house because I should be saving my money. She demands total control, or I can go live in the nice snow mounds outside.
She's not wrong. I don't have a future. I have been denied for financial aid, therefore I have been forced to drop out of school. I wasn't born lucky enough to be in a high income family, therefore I can't pay for college unlike some of those bastards who get college gift wrapped and placed in their lap by their parents. My GPA was so incredibly bad because I am a gigantic underachiever who didn't have enough motivation thanks to his wonderful family life to even try in school, therefore I passed at the skin of my teeth each year with a nice row of D's.
I have constant aches and pains. Scoliosis makes my back hurt unbearably at times, and my legs often cramp up so hard that I can barely walk. The doctors cannot explain that last bit. I also get intense headaches on a near daily basis. I'd take medicine, such as Tylenol, to kill these pains, but I can't swallow pills. I vomit them up immediately, and that's on the off chance that I actually manage to swallow them. I am reduced to, ironically, taking infant/toddler aspirin, because it's in liquid form.
The only things stopping me from offing myself right here and now is my fear of death, and the fact that I actually do not have any tools to do it. I don't want to suffocate slowly by rope, although I have tied a belt around my neck and lowered myself on a door knob to see if that was a plausible way of doing it. It is. I can't OD, due to my inability to keep a pill down my throat, let alone enough to OD on, and I have no gun.
Really. I'm not entirely sure why I made this thread. I suppose it's because I nearly broke my fist on a wall out of frustration, that I decided I'd try this instead. Maybe get some insight.
I'm at a loss. I really see no reason not to end my life. Surely I could do it at any time, and I'm afraid I'm going to get to the point where I find that to be the only solution to my problems. I'm at that point now, of course, but not so much to want to go through with it outside of wild fantasies where I blow the side of my head onto a wall and my mother walks in and finds a blood spattered suicide note informing her that she is 100% to blame.
Again, I see no reason not to do it. Do you?