Page 1 of 5 12345 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 48

Thread: Yet Another Thread About Suicide

  1. #1

    Exclamation Yet Another Thread About Suicide

    Pretty sure I do not need to tell Mods to do their job, but everyone is doing it. If this is the wrong place, (which I'm pretty sure it isn't, unless you want to take it to the EC forum) please go ahead and take it where it's appropriate.

    It just wouldn't be a new year without a thread about someone wanting to off themselves, now would it?

    Yes, it's one of those threads.

    I'm having quite a hard time seeing a reason not to commit suicide.

    I mean, it appears as though my life just gets a little worse, and my future a lot more bleak every single day, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Well that's not true, there's always something I can do to stop it, but I lack the motivation and willpower to even try, and feel as though ending my life would be a much better alternative to anything.

    I've practically been emotionally abused my entire life, by both my brother and mother. I bedwet at a young age, and my brother saw that as a way to get at me and insult me, being sure to tell just about everyone we ever met that 14 year old KuroCat peed his bed every night. That's incredibly mild to anything else he used to do it me. I was constantly thrown around and hit by the guy, who is 4 years older than I am. If he wanted something in the oven, he would scream at little ol' 11 year old me to pop it in the oven. it didn't matter if I had a friend over, he would simply grab me by the shirt and throw me onto the ground until I put whatever the hell it was in the oven. My parents intervened whenever possible, but they were never able to be around 100% of the time, as usual for parents.

    I eventually moved away from my father and brother into my mother's house at the age of 15. She was kind to me then, but she then snapped about two years later, at the age of 17. I'm not sure what happened. She decided to inform me what a worthless pile of shit I am, and how I am not going to go anywhere in this world. She did it in front of friends and family, always making comments about my grades or how little of a future I have. I suffered great social phobias thanks to my brother, but for the person I truly trusted to turn on me so drastically like that completely ruined me. In November of 2011, I told her of my depression that I had been battling for years at that point. Her response was to tell me to get over this "being depressed bullshit" and threatened to throw me out of her home if I didn't. Jump to October of this year. Her hatefulness died down a bit. Until she came into my room in tears. She was mumbling on about God and other spiritual bullshit that I do not believe in, nor care enough to get involved in. She burns "sage" on a daily basis, and claims that she fights the devil and evil spirits. She's a lunatic. Anyways, I informed her that I do not believe in these spirits she is talking about. That caused her to burst into tears even harder, and claim that I was possessed by the devil. She began ranting on and on, screaming, in tears, how I am possessed by Satan.
    "I will sooner kill you than let you have my son," she screamed at me while shoving me around, "how do you want to die? I've seen a lot of TV. Do you want me to get you knife so you may slit your throat? How about a gun, or a plastic bag?"

    I, of course, left that night. I'm back again, months later. I don't know why. I have no where else to go. She continues to inform me that my future is bleak and I am going nowhere, reminding me that, because I was denied for Financial Aid, I am "going to be working at Arby's for the rest of my life, feeding off everyone's wallets," and that the only way I can help myself is by "taking money out of everyone's pockets." I cannot go to the store without her threatening to throw me out of the house because I should be saving my money. She demands total control, or I can go live in the nice snow mounds outside.

    She's not wrong. I don't have a future. I have been denied for financial aid, therefore I have been forced to drop out of school. I wasn't born lucky enough to be in a high income family, therefore I can't pay for college unlike some of those bastards who get college gift wrapped and placed in their lap by their parents. My GPA was so incredibly bad because I am a gigantic underachiever who didn't have enough motivation thanks to his wonderful family life to even try in school, therefore I passed at the skin of my teeth each year with a nice row of D's.

    I have constant aches and pains. Scoliosis makes my back hurt unbearably at times, and my legs often cramp up so hard that I can barely walk. The doctors cannot explain that last bit. I also get intense headaches on a near daily basis. I'd take medicine, such as Tylenol, to kill these pains, but I can't swallow pills. I vomit them up immediately, and that's on the off chance that I actually manage to swallow them. I am reduced to, ironically, taking infant/toddler aspirin, because it's in liquid form.

    The only things stopping me from offing myself right here and now is my fear of death, and the fact that I actually do not have any tools to do it. I don't want to suffocate slowly by rope, although I have tied a belt around my neck and lowered myself on a door knob to see if that was a plausible way of doing it. It is. I can't OD, due to my inability to keep a pill down my throat, let alone enough to OD on, and I have no gun.

    Really. I'm not entirely sure why I made this thread. I suppose it's because I nearly broke my fist on a wall out of frustration, that I decided I'd try this instead. Maybe get some insight.

    I'm at a loss. I really see no reason not to end my life. Surely I could do it at any time, and I'm afraid I'm going to get to the point where I find that to be the only solution to my problems. I'm at that point now, of course, but not so much to want to go through with it outside of wild fantasies where I blow the side of my head onto a wall and my mother walks in and finds a blood spattered suicide note informing her that she is 100% to blame.

    Again, I see no reason not to do it. Do you?
    Last edited by KuroCat; 07-Jan-2013 at 04:23.

  2. #2


    First of all KuroCat...

    I hear you!

    This is where procrastination, is beautifully useful, and good...what's another day, week, month, year gonna hurt?! Nada!

    That was allot to take in...give me some time... (oh, and excuse my grammar, spelling, and punctuation...or lack thereof)...

  3. #3

    Default Yet Another Thread About Suicide

    Kuro... I'm at work now, so can't respond much, but you ARE worth being alive! EVERY life is precious, and no life lost can ever be replaced! Regardless of your family, there are those, including me, who don't even know you, but who do care about you! I'm not sure what else to say, but am praying for you and will write more when I get off of work in a few hours! Don't give up friend! You are not as alone as you think you are! :-)

  4. #4


    So, it's appears that this isn't something that you really want to do... or, are prepared to do...right?

    I'm going to 'turn the table' so-to-speak, and ask you to presume that I am feeling just the same as you are...and with that...what reasons can you see, that I or anyone else shouldn't commit suicide myself/ourselves?

  5. #5


    Hi KuroCat,
    I don't know how much this means coming from me, but please don't hurt yourself! Can you talk to your dad or another family member? I'm not sure how old you are, or what country you are from, but there might be places you can go to get help, like young people's advice centres, or maybe someone at a free clinic/the doctors can give you advice on places you could go to get help. If you are at risk from suicide or self harm then they will almost certainly be able to help you. I cut off ties from my parents when I met my current boyfriend - years of abuse, psychological, physical and sexual caught up with me and I could see no reason for them to be a part of my life once I had "gotten away". I tried to commit suicide four times between the ages of eleven and thirteen until I ran away. I was taken into the care of a friend's family, and I stayed there until I got my own place at 17. Do you have a friend or colleague you could rent a place with? Maybe look online for house/flat shares so you can still get to work and the suchlike. I know I am offering you advice about things you may have already thought about, but without knowing your circumstances a little better I can't offer any better advice. All I will say is that you need to keep holding on. I was ready to die at 11 for pete's sake - and now at 23 ( yes, it took a while, but I got there) I am looking at finishing college, going to Uni, I have a lovely boyfriend and a dog, and a surrogate family. I never thought any of that would happen when I was being abused and defiled on a near daily basis. Please hold on - we can work something out. I don't know if I can send PM's yet because I am a relative newbie, but if you want to talk more I can give you my e-mail address?

    You have friends here who care about you, and new friends waiting to help too. Please don't do anything drastic until we have talked properly.

    Bearcub x

  6. #6


    people are watching, Kuro;
    maybe a lot more then you think. i don't know if that helps you while you are in this situation... to tell you the truth, i don't know if it would have helped me when i was in the same situation...

    but folks do know you here and look at and read what you have to say... i am one of those folks even if i don't have much of anything to say most of the time. i can tell you that seeing your name and your posts here is part of what makes ADISC seem like a home.... for instance in the rape thread i read all of your posts. you were the only person who kept me coming back to that thread over and over again.... i was silently rooting for you; just ask Marka.... i was so proud of you for holding your ground against the trolls that were facing you. please hold your ground now....

    by morning this thread will be pages long i bet of people asking and begging you to hold on, Kuro....
    i don't know if that will mean anything to you, but if by chance it might. please wait and watch and see how many friends that you have here on ADISC.....

  7. #7


    Hey KuroCat, thanks first of all for sharing this with us. As I'm sure you're aware, there are plenty here who will listen and let you know we care.
    I am really sad to hear of that emotional abuse, honestly it can be worse than physical and can scar deeply. One thing you can be sure of though, is that you are absolutely worthy of being loved, even if you've been missing out on this. If you hang in there you will find people who deserve you and who will respect and love you.
    It's so important that you talk to someone about this ASAP, lifeline or something... Don't know where you are so maybe you know who to call?
    Anyhoo, just because these people are your family, gives them no right to be a'holes to you...I seriously hope you can find a positive you can move on and enjoy what every person deserves, love and respect. Good luck, my heart goes out to you.
    Last edited by ozbub; 05-Jan-2013 at 09:25.

  8. #8


    Oh KuroCat, I feel so bad for you... I wish there was something I could say to make everything "okay"... I've pretty much lost my joie de vivre too and things seem pretty bleak sometimes (to say the least).

    The times that I've generally felt really bad are when my anxiety kicks in (on top of depression and other crazy stuff). Sleep doesn't seem to rejuvenate me and it's as if I simply can't get the intense "shitty feeling" out of my head. It's intolerable living a moment longer when your brain feels like that. Psychotherapy has really reduced my anxiety and, although I'm not exactly loving life now, at least I can relax more easily. The times when anxiety "gets me" and I can't turn my brain off are when I feel closer to the edge...

    I just thought I'd mention that because, at the times I've been suicidal I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of how irreconcilably f***ed up everything is. And... that may be so... But it's the anxiety I have that makes it seem like I have to get out of here now. If I can take control of my thoughts, I can just empty my mind and get a moment's peace, which can give me the strength to go on...

    I don't know if that sounds familiar, in which case psychotherapy might be worth a try, or if I'm barking up the wrong tree (in which case I'm really sorry for pretending to sound like I have any idea about anything).

    I don't know... I just hope you can find a way through this...

  9. #9


    One more thing KuroCat may I call you "KC"?
    I don't think there's any question, that you need to be separated from your current situation!

    There are however, a few different ways to go about it...without taking yourself out of the picture...

    One, is getting some help to cope with 'NOW'...'now' is a constant, 'now' is not related to what was, or what will be...'now' is now! Now, is not how to deal with anything but now.

    'We' really need to get to this one (now)...otherwise it becomes exceptionally challenging, to work through any other time, or event.

    I think that it's very helpful, that you've addressed some of the past, and current issues consciously; that give good cause to your feelings that you are having.

    As far as I'm have every reason to feel this from the abuse towards you.

    As far as the achievements, and academic issues..all that means to me, is that you couldn't possibly get great results when you've had such a disturbance to your life; that hasn't been taken care of.

    What has happened to you by the 'hand' of your family (and perhaps others) is reprehensible to say the least! You have good reason to feel at least confused...and a range of emotions.

    I have similar experiences, just to qualify my assessment

    You are young enough that you maybe haven't had the experiences, that whatever seems like absolute, irrefutable, no other way...can look so vastly different, in a matter of time!

    So, let's work on improve the perceptions.

    You are not alone, and you have failed at nothing!

    I intend to check back here, in a few hours to see how things are going.

    Goodnight, talk soon!

  10. #10


    Quote Originally Posted by Marka
    One more thing KuroCat may I call you "KC"?
    Go right ahead.

    I talk to friends about this all of the time, but they've all at one point indirectly informed me to shut up about it.

    One acts surprised every single time I bring it up, which is getting ridiculous, because it should be common knowledge at this point. Another makes a habit of actually yelling at me to shut up about suicide, because I suppose kicking a person while they're already down is the perfect way to help them. There's really only one person that I can talk to about it, but he shows disinterest as well. I'm not sure when getting angry at the person for being down became a common technique to help someone, but that seems to be a certain friend's favorite technique. An escape has been offered by one of the friends, where I will leave my home and move in with them. They live 9 hours away. That plan seems amazing, except for the fact that I've accidentally developed a romantic interest in the idiot and no matter what I do, I'll never kindle the relationship into a romantic one. I talk to him everyday and it absolutely sucks. I love talking to him, but doing so is killing me. Figuratively, don't worry. But it is adding a lot of stress.

    On top of that, I have a major habit of being a dickbag to everyone around me, and that causes them to distance themselves from me. I do it to my friends nearly everyday, until they threaten to leave and I pour apologies all over them, begging them to stay. I don't know why I do that. I've ruined some amazing friendships that way.

    I should see doctor for this, but I don't know how or where to begin, and I can't even take any pills he may give me, so what's the point? I'd talk to someone about it, but I feel uncomfortable in social situations, due to severe social phobias and anxiety problems, plus I don't like the idea of paying someone to care about my problems. The anxiety problems cause a ton of stress as well, as I have a panic attack every single day, we all know how much stress that gives us.

    There's not very many things that I enjoy anymore. The only genuine time I have fun is when I play video games with a friend on Skype, or I'm stuck in a social situation where I have to become the mask, such as at work. I can't walk around there acting like a depressed psycho. I've lost interest in nearly everything. All I'd like to do is sit in a computer chair and stare mindlessly at a screen for 30 hours, which I do a lot. I have a habit of staying up 35 hours, and then sleeping 19, with a diet consisting of potato chips and energy drinks.

    I know people care for me out there - or say they do - but it certainly doesn't feel like anyone does.

    I'd reply to everyone, but I'm not really sure what I'd say. Forgive me.

Similar Threads

  1. Suicide Hotlines and Support Thread
    By blogbaby in forum Mature Topics
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: 24-Aug-2012, 05:06
  2. Suicide
    By cavemans in forum Mature Topics
    Replies: 31
    Last Post: 02-Dec-2010, 19:24
  3. Suicide - What to Do?
    By dcviper in forum Mature Topics
    Replies: 32
    Last Post: 16-Jun-2010, 23:30
  4. Suicide
    By Kovy in forum Mature Topics
    Replies: 99
    Last Post: 20-Oct-2008, 06:04

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  • - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community. is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.