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Thread: Getting Older and Growing Apathy

  1. #1

    Default Getting Older and Growing Apathy

    I'm turning 20 this coming May, and it is starting to sink in that I'm really not a kid anymore. I recently had to leave my out of state college for medical reasons, and as a result I owe them $8,000 on top of what I also owe to the government. I had hoped to move closer to home get an apartment with a friend who knows and excepts my AB side, but the debt has forced me to return home where I feel that I'm unable to express myself. I'm forced to emerse myself in the adult world of bills and responsibility and I'm slowly but surely losing the childhood I've been desperately trying to reclaim for a long time now.

    Even as I'm being forced into this adult world, I find that I can't interact with it properly. I was in the midst of rediscovering myself, letting go of all of the crap that forced me to grow up to fast, and now I'm stuck in some strange limbo. I can't move forward and I can't go back. Each day feels harder and harder, and I'm beginning to understand for the first time what real depression is. While suicide isn't on my mind, I do wonder how I'll make it through the next day.

    I want to find someone who is willing to care for me and give me a second chance to get the love and affection that I need, but I know that it is unrealistic. Instead I'm to walk a straight line while my siblings are constantly in and out of trouble with the law. I'm to be the son my parents brag on to their friends. I'm to be the son that takes care of them in their old age. I'm to always do what is right, not because I believe it, but because I must.

    I want to shed these expectations, to live my life as I want, but that isn't how reality works. I have responsibilities to my parents, to friends, to family, work, and the government. Still I hold onto the hope that I will somehow make it through the ensuing months and find that person who wants to help me fix the damaged parts of me.

    (Apolgies for the morbid post, but I feel that this is the only place to express this conflict even if it is only in words.)

  2. #2

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    heya cody. i know how you feel to a certain extent. i turned 21 in december last year. ever since i have moved in my own flat courtesly of a company in my home town that caters for people like me. but im never and i fell like i am fighting a battle to give people what they want and what i want.

    i dont want to have to be grown up and have all the worrys of the world on my shoulders. i want to be happy and have no worrys. i felt like i was an unloved and neglected child growing up i was giving up by my parents to the care system and we all now how the care system makes things worse.

    i feel like most abdls do. i feel like a child in the body of an adult. i just want to shed my skin and let myself out of this body that is so wrong to me. i also struggle with most adult things. i also know what depression is as i have suffered in silence with it on and off for the last coupe of years. i want to cry right now due to one of my happiest dreams i have had last night but when i woke up and realised that i wasnt real. it made me feel so miserable.

    i hate having to pay bills and bidget with money. people say im good with my money but when i see something i want. i want it. i dont want to have to wait. i would struggle a lot without y support worker.

    i wouldent say i was backwards but lets just say i wasnt the smartest kid at school. i just wanted to have fun. i was the class clown. even now when im walking down the street i tend to knowk on peoples doors and run away. (to most people they tink this is stupid nd immature mostly coz they see me as an adult. but an adult i am not. so to me its normal)

    i love nothing more than to fill myself full of sweets and play all day. i hate doing things the adult part of me is expected to do. like cooking cleaning and such. i have a terribly diet to being obstinate. or thats what people tell me. is it my fault if i dontlike fruit or veg ? yuck i would much rather eat a nice pizza or chips and beans lol.

    again i feel the same need to want to be cared for and looked after. i never truely felt like i was loved. people alwas refer to me as someone with a lot of potential. i dont want to be great potential. i want to be me the happy little boy i feel and know i am happiest as.


    so when i say i can relate greatly to what you say and feel i really can. it is this that makes me depressed a lot knowing that i will never find that which i seek and i be forever searching for it till my dieing days.

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cody1621 View Post
    I'm turning 20 this coming May, and it is starting to sink in that I'm really not a kid anymore. I recently had to leave my out of state college for medical reasons, and as a result I owe them $8,000 on top of what I also owe to the government. I had hoped to move closer to home get an apartment with a friend who knows and excepts my AB side, but the debt has forced me to return home where I feel that I'm unable to express myself. I'm forced to emerse myself in the adult world of bills and responsibility and I'm slowly but surely losing the childhood I've been desperately trying to reclaim for a long time now.

    Even as I'm being forced into this adult world, I find that I can't interact with it properly. I was in the midst of rediscovering myself, letting go of all of the crap that forced me to grow up to fast, and now I'm stuck in some strange limbo. I can't move forward and I can't go back. Each day feels harder and harder, and I'm beginning to understand for the first time what real depression is. While suicide isn't on my mind, I do wonder how I'll make it through the next day.

    I want to find someone who is willing to care for me and give me a second chance to get the love and affection that I need, but I know that it is unrealistic. Instead I'm to walk a straight line while my siblings are constantly in and out of trouble with the law. I'm to be the son my parents brag on to their friends. I'm to be the son that takes care of them in their old age. I'm to always do what is right, not because I believe it, but because I must.

    I want to shed these expectations, to live my life as I want, but that isn't how reality works. I have responsibilities to my parents, to friends, to family, work, and the government. Still I hold onto the hope that I will somehow make it through the ensuing months and find that person who wants to help me fix the damaged parts of me.

    (Apolgies for the morbid post, but I feel that this is the only place to express this conflict even if it is only in words.)
    Welcome to the harsh realities of the real world.

    Look, it may or may not help but I find a couple of things work pretty well for me. Simplify your life as much as possible. Remove the things that create too much stress, this includes the expectations you are worried about. Then start taking things literally one step at a time.

    I know all of this sounds to easy and convenient but it really is the key.

    I wouldn't worry about your siblings or the expectations of your parents. Ultimately you may be the one that takes care of them, but unless this is something that you expect to have to deal with soon why worry about it.

    Set aside the things that you can't do anything about. If you must deal with them take it one simple step at a time.

    Learn to accept yourself and to be yourself. Then give yourself permission to have that little side.

    Reality tells us that finding a true caregiver that will rescue us from the cares of the adult world is a pretty unusual thing. If you an accomplish this then I say good for you, but most likely things will turn out differently. With this in mind the trick to bringing balance into life is to live in the adult world while remaining who you truly are inside.

    Most of us do not want to grow up even though the pressures of the adult world pressure us into growing up faster than needed. There is no reason to allow these pressures to dictate who you are, so don't let this happen.

    Remember, even though it may all seem overwhelming at times, that it is all just a choice. When Inge get tough, complicated, stressful, overwhelming, etc it is simply a matter of slowing down, focusing as much as you can then take one simple step at a time. I things don't turn out perfect it is ok, remember you are among a world filled with others that are also imperfect and that have been beat up by life.

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