I'm turning 20 this coming May, and it is starting to sink in that I'm really not a kid anymore. I recently had to leave my out of state college for medical reasons, and as a result I owe them $8,000 on top of what I also owe to the government. I had hoped to move closer to home get an apartment with a friend who knows and excepts my AB side, but the debt has forced me to return home where I feel that I'm unable to express myself. I'm forced to emerse myself in the adult world of bills and responsibility and I'm slowly but surely losing the childhood I've been desperately trying to reclaim for a long time now.
Even as I'm being forced into this adult world, I find that I can't interact with it properly. I was in the midst of rediscovering myself, letting go of all of the crap that forced me to grow up to fast, and now I'm stuck in some strange limbo. I can't move forward and I can't go back. Each day feels harder and harder, and I'm beginning to understand for the first time what real depression is. While suicide isn't on my mind, I do wonder how I'll make it through the next day.
I want to find someone who is willing to care for me and give me a second chance to get the love and affection that I need, but I know that it is unrealistic. Instead I'm to walk a straight line while my siblings are constantly in and out of trouble with the law. I'm to be the son my parents brag on to their friends. I'm to be the son that takes care of them in their old age. I'm to always do what is right, not because I believe it, but because I must.
I want to shed these expectations, to live my life as I want, but that isn't how reality works. I have responsibilities to my parents, to friends, to family, work, and the government. Still I hold onto the hope that I will somehow make it through the ensuing months and find that person who wants to help me fix the damaged parts of me.
(Apolgies for the morbid post, but I feel that this is the only place to express this conflict even if it is only in words.)