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Thread: How to tell my wife

  1. #1

    Default How to tell my wife

    I have been married for almost 9 years but have been a diaper lover for most of my life. I have only worn in secret, but I am tired of keeping this from my wife. I really want to tell her so I dont have to hide anymore, but I am terrified of what her reaction might be. I have three kids so I would hate for her to be so freaked out that she takes the kids and leaves. She is not very open minded when it comes to kinks and exploring in the bedroom so I fear she wo.t be open to this. This is why I haven't told her in our 9 years of marriage. Any helpwould be appreciated.

  2. #2

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    I told my wife who is also very open minded and it didnt go to good i think she now looks at me diffrent that she used to the only good thing is i can wear when ever i want but she hates to see me in them i also have two kids she says it reminds her of kids so she dont like it .

  3. #3

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    And thats another fear of mine....her staying with me but looking at me differently...like less of a man or something. I gueas it is a good thing that I am a diaper lover and not an AB. That would be way more difficult to explain.

  4. #4

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    Yea i agree lol i am dl not an ab its just hard for people who dont like them to understand why we do lol i really think you should tell her its nice to get the load off but be ready for a awkward couple months lol she will get used to it and its really nice to look in your underwear drawer and have diapers in there

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by PaddedInHesperia View Post
    I have been married for almost 9 years but have been a diaper lover for most of my life. I have only worn in secret, but I am tired of keeping this from my wife. I really want to tell her so I dont have to hide anymore, but I am terrified of what her reaction might be. I have three kids so I would hate for her to be so freaked out that she takes the kids and leaves. She is not very open minded when it comes to kinks and exploring in the bedroom so I fear she wo.t be open to this. This is why I haven't told her in our 9 years of marriage. Any helpwould be appreciated.
    Not sure what kinks is but if she does not seem very open minded maybe best not to tell her. You could show her that 15 stone baby you tube thing and just asks her how she feels about that. Maybe ill give you some clues how she would feel about your DL thing.
    Last edited by CutePrincess; 03-Jan-2013 at 18:39.

  6. #6

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    It'll make a big difference, what you are asking her to do and what you hope to get out of it.

    I told my wife about a year ago, mostly because I had already accidently left a onesie and plastic pants around a few times. She actually found the onesie and asked me what it was. I said "a onesie" and she left it at that. She's pretty good at denial; I believe she was truly surprised when I told her. I decided it was a lot better to choose the time to let her know that I was wearing rather than have to deal with it while she was already in shock over figuring it out.

    I'm DL not AB, so I wasn't particularly interested in wearing around her anyway. And she was fine with that, although she still doesn't understand it. (Neither do I, for that matter. I just know it makes a big difference for me.)

    After a month or two, I realized that I _really_ wanted to sleep in them, not just wear during the day. I still wasn't interested in sharing the behavior with her, so I ended up sleeping in a spare room Sunday through Thursday (when she is off to work before I get up) and sleeping unclad with her on Friday and Saturday nights.

    She can see what a big difference it makes for me to be sleeping diapered. (It makes a _big_ difference. I have major sleep issues that they seem to make vanish. Still don't really understand that either and I'm not at all sure I want to.) So she is happy with this and even encourages it. I usually head up to bed a bit earlier than she does, diaper up and read a little before nodding off. She usually stops in to get a goodnight kiss. It isn't a problem for her.

    But I'm still not interested in sharing it with her even to the extent of wearing around the house when she's around. It's my thing, not hers.

    I think one her big initial fears, when we started talking about it, was that I might be asking her to fulfill a sexual fetish. She is pretty open minded (even very, she's a therapist), but she is not open to much sexual variation. By making it clear what I was asking up front I avoided a lot of potential hurdles that did not need to be there.

    Does she think of me differently? Well, she thinks it's weird, but she thinks a lot of things I do are wierd. She knew I was wierd in a myriad of ways when we first got together nearly 40 years ago. Does she think I am less of a man? I don't know. This has never been an issue for either of us.

    So it'll help to know up front what is important to your wife and what is important to you. I think a reasonably solid relationship ought to be able survive this kind of thing, but people who are otherwise perfectly reasonable often have things that they just can't approach rationally. I'd think about that carefully.

    It's fundamentally a risk/benefit issue.

    (BTW: We were 30 years into our relationship before I even admitted to myself that I liked, even needed, to wear diapers. It took nearly another 10 before I realized that I needed to be honest with her. I don't recommend waiting that long for either of those things if you don't have to.)

  7. #7

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    Thank you adasterix. Some good info there. I dont necessarily want her to participate in it with me...although I wouldn't be opposed to it. I just would love for her to be open to letting me wear them openly and even to sleep. However, I wouldnt want that to mean that i have to sleep in a separate room to do so. The thing is that if I have to choose between diapers or her, i most definitely will choose her. It will just be hard to suppress my diaper desires so I hope it doesnt come to that.

  8. #8

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    If you've been keeping it a secret for this long, she might have an issue with it simply because you kept it hidden, so I wouldn't be rushing to tell her after all this time.


    Quote Originally Posted by CutePrincess View Post
    Not sure what kinks is but if she does not seem very open minded maybe best not to tell her. You could show her that 15 stone baby you tube thing and just asks her how she feels about that. Maybe ill give you some clues how she would feel about your DL thing.
    First off, he's a DL, while those are ABs (lifestylers at that, hardly a positive representation). Second, it appears that a lot of people outright refused to listen to what the show actually said, and jumped straight to conclusions that were outright debunked by the show.

  9. #9

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    I still think showing her some of that 15 stone baby thing would be a good idea. Be like "Hey hunny I found something on you tube. I want your thoughts about this."

    Hopefully she will watch some of it then tell you her thoughts so you know what her view is without labeling you directly to it.
    Thread is here:
    http://www.adisc.org/forum/adult-bab...tube-link.html

    I know it is more AB but it is still getting the thought in her head sort of speak without putting him on the spot with her. Is there something just talking about DL?

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by adasterix View Post
    It'll make a big difference, what you are asking her to do and what you hope to get out of it.
    I think this is a really good question to ask at the outset of this. You say that you're sick of hiding and that that is at least one motivation. Are there others?
    If you hope is more about having her eventually participate in DL-sex with you, that is an even bigger expectation.
    If your hope is to engage more in the AB side, it might be an even bigger expectation yet.
    This will go the best for both of you if you yourself have clarity as to what you want from telling her -- and maybe even temper expectations/hopes. This may be looking at it in the extreme but--in a sense, you have made an agreement with your wife previously (marriage) but witheld some key information from her. Perhaps she would have not married you if she had known; perhaps she would have anyway. Regardless, DLism wasn't part of the original agreement and so for you to expect her to embrace it after 9 years is (in a way) like asking her to change the agreement. She might be willing to do that if you come at it the right way; but she might not. Hence, it may be in the best interest of your marriage to temper expectations -- and certainly do so AT FIRST (think years/decades not days/months - as a timeline for incorporating more and more aspects of ABDLism).

    So at first - what I'm trying to say is that what you want to do is risky. You stand to gain a great deal (I'm in a marriage with wife who accepts this part of me; we have clear boundaries set and that is reasonable; I also get to experience the joy and freedom of not carrying around Secrets/Shame) -- and you stand to lose a great deal (although I don't know her, it seems to me that worst case scenario might be that she files for divorce and you lose contact with your kids [and they lose contact with their father]). One recent conversation theme on ADISC lately has been perceptions people outside the community have of us -- one of those judgments is that we are pedophiles or perverts or disgusting. She potentially could have these judgments/fears and react out of them. Because of these significant risks, I think you should be VERY careful and thoughtful about any conversation you have with her. Have a strategy; possibly it needs to take place in stages; perhaps you should come up with a plan with a good therapist first.

    Anticipating what her fears might be in those initial conversations and doing your best to assuage them will be a key way of helping it go well. As adasterix wrote, the main fears of his wife revolved around the sexual aspect. For mine it was "the slippery slope" and getting out of control without evaluating things. For others it might be the kids or a perceived "creep-factor" of fetishes like this. If you tailor your conversation with her to address those fears, it likely will go better. As with many things in marriage, if you go into this trying to get something for yourself exclusively or even first, it will go worse than if you think about her needs/wants/desires first.

    You write that you dont' want her to think of you differently after you talk about this. Almost without a doubt, she will IMHO. She may freak out and see you as 'less than' -- she might also have compassion for the kind of shame you've been carrying around for decades (secrets always breed shame; hence we keep them longer and longer), she might respect you more as a man for having the courage to admit it to her, she might haver her own secrets that it spurs her to tell. You do stand a chance of improving your marriage and commitment together through this. But make no mistake, she will see you differently.

    Some suggestions I might offer for how to have the conversation might be:
    1. When my wife and I were engaged, we had several conversations about our "sexual histories" and how our previous deeds and activities affect us still. This took many many hours of talking and included both of us sharing many things (her history with sexual abuse, mine with porn, her past partners, my near 'sex-addiction', etc...). This kind of conversation might give you a platform or context to bring up DLism in a less "out of the blue" way. It also invites both of you to be vulnerable/accepting in ways that you may not have been in the past. Your friendship might be stronger by the time you get to the diapers.

    2. Have some resources ready to share (websites like This Often Recommended Site, ADISC, or any of the other numerous good-info places around.

    3. Start seeing a therapist now -- have that option ready to offer it she isn't very open or it goes poorly. Very often it seems that men are the ones who resist going to therapists. If you already have that lined up, it might communicate to her your level of commitment to your relationship and your willingness to do hard work to make it last.

    4. Talk about your shame/suffering around this. Talk about how difficult it has been growing up and having these desires...etc... Talk about how muh you have hated keeping it from her. Use "I" statements; tell her about your feelings around this. Your fears for how she might react; your hopes for your marriage/kids; you love for her, etc...

    5. Address her fears before she shares them (as I wrote about above).

    6. Offer a picture of what it might look like right now. Tell her what boundaries you see as reasonable. Set them much more strictly than you might eventually want or hope for... Explicitly tell her about how you dont' want to mess your kids up or include them in this or anything...


    Anyways, good luck --- but please please be careful and thoughtful about this as you go into it. You stand to gain a lot - and you stand to lose.
    Most of all KUDOS on doing this work. You will be a better man for it.
    And on the manliness/masculine thing -- it takes a courageous man to share this kind of tender/secret/shameful truth with ones so close to us and with so much to risk. Little boys keep secrets out of fear. For what it's worth, you working toward doing this makes you MORE of a man IMHO.

    (feel free to PM me)

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