Hi everyone. I'm pretty new to the community in the fact that I have never really joined any sites like this and have always thought that I could go without. So far the experience has been good, but I'm still a little confused by it all.
The issue is that I am now 18 and have been a babyfur/adult baby for 4 years and not told anyone other that one of my closest friends. He was very kind and gentle on the matter and he now treats me a lot softer than he used to. And I can't stress how much I respect him now. I am very shy about the matter and had a hard time explaining it so he is still confused on a lot of what it is. I have always wanted to buy diapers and wear them but I am too shy to go to the shops and get them. All I have had experience with is my Paci and all my stuffed animals which I am lucky to have been able to keep without my parents saying anything about being 'too old' for them. This leads me to a constant and depressing feeling of missing out on a lot of the experience and the closeness I could have had with my mum.
To be honest, to keep people from finding out, I put on a rather cold and distant persona which has protected me from a lot of stress. But I am at that time where I feel its time to put it all to rest and tell my mum. I would never tell my Father as my relationship with him is pretty bad, but its all in my head. He just jokes about things and doesn't know what the boundary is. When I told my mum that I am gay, she took it pretty well, and hugged me and asked questions. She still asks about it now and then, like if I'm in a relationship. I know that she means well and is understanding, which is why she is the one I want to tell, but when I try to tell her, I freeze up. My joints ache and lock, my head hurts, I start to sweat and my mind screams at me to run. After which I spend an hour crying with my teddy. Before I try to tell her, I think out what I'm going to say, but can't figure any good way to explain my feelings or who I am. Its stressful and tires me.
I'm just tired of not being myself. I'm tired of being so depressed. Tired of considering suicide. If anyone has any advice or help, it is much needed and appreciated.
Sorry that this is all a mixed up mess of an explanation. As you can see, explanations are not my strong point.
Thanks for taking your time to read this and thank you for any advice you can give.