ok... I have had in the past some psychological issues related to Asperger's and not making any friends. My therapist has gotten me to the point where that is non-existent. However, I have some other issues that need sorting out before I can proceed with dealing with them. Ok... here goes. One of my earliest memories happens to be when I was about 4 and pooped my pants while playing with my younger brother. My parents yelled at me for it because I was apparently potty trained at the time and I felt so horrible. My parents also confirm that I would want to do anything my baby brother did. I remember putting myself in his stroller for attention and my parents calling me a baby and cooing. I remember feeling conflicted as I wanted to be a big boy, but with the attention my brother was getting. If I had to take a guess, I would say this probably is the source of my infantilism. Through my baby brother, I wanted his attention and began to associate babyhood with attention. Thus I ended up having a pacifier till I was about 6 or so. The pooping my pants incident probably conflicted me to the point where I felt I could do nothing to get my parent's attention, and the infantilism remained as a coping mechanism for the new realization that I had that I was no longer getting the attention I was deprived of because of my brother entering the family. In short, My infantilism was born out of a lack of attention from a new baby entering the house and when I finally figured out that I couldn't get a lot of attention from regressing, I became traumatized and have been wishing to be regressed and cared for like an infant ever since.
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The crossdressing comes in a bit later and is harder to pin down. I just seemed to one time during puberty to like dressing as a girl. Not only that, but I also seemed to frankly sometimes, I want a sex change and sometimes I don't. Sometimes, I behave femininely and others, like another guy. I sometimes dress as a baby girl, but others as an adult woman. The question here is, am I bigendered? If I am, what do I do about it and what do I do about the attention starved issues?