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Thread: MtF Transsexuals - A Question

  1. #1

    Default MtF Transsexuals - A Question

    Hey everybody,

    This question is more directed at those of you on here who identify as MtF transsexuals, and my question is this -

    How did you know that your gender issues went deeper than clothes? Like, how did you know it was more than crossdressing?

    I just can't figure this question out for myself... Like I know that if I had the opportunity to have went through a female puberty instead of a male one, I would have jumped at the chance, and I know that two years ago I was ready to kill myself because I hated being a male, but I just don't feel that way anymore...

    Crossdressing has definitely helped to alleviate the self hatred I had going on during senior year of high school, but it has brought with it a mess of confusion that I just can't seem to sort through...

    I hate not knowing who I am, its depressing, terrifying, and it just makes me feel numb to everything... I'm debating on whether or not I should ask my therapist about trying hormones... Did hormones help any of you figure it all out?

    Anyway, thanks in advance for any insights you guys (or girls I guess >_>) might be able to offer.

  2. #2

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    For me it started at a young age from the time i was around 7 I was always watching girls in a sort of jealous way. they got to be/do/act in a way i fet far more akin to than what was laid out infront of me as a boy. I always felt something was wrong with me, I was a boy but preferred playing with my sisters, talking with other girls about girly stuff, used to take any oppertunity to abandon my cars and road mats and go play with dolls.
    Then i started to notice growing differences in treatment and clothing. I soo wanted to be told i was pretty or looked beautiful. things slowly went from there then i over did my secret borrowing of cloths and got caught when i was around 8 but i do remember looking at myself in a mirror the very first time i borrowed the full works from my lil sis. she was big for her age and i was a bit on the small side for mine. first time i saw myself all dressed up wit a borrowed wig from her dress up box.. i felt so right and that feeling has never left me. I feel happier when im being my girl self and having to live as male me damned near drove me to suicide on numerous occasions.

    TL;Dr I had the "somethings not right" factor long before cross dressing but cross dressing sealed the deal as it completed the feeling by matching outside to inside, however shallow an illusion it was at the time.
    Everything til now has been a compromise but im like many people i've met who are trans, its got to the point where im sick of living a lie.

  3. #3

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    I do not consider myself transsexual, but more than a crossdresser. I use the terms two-spirit or third gender personally. I know my feelings are more than just about the clothes, but like you I don't feel that pull that some talk about that I have to transition. I get to a point once or twice a year that I consider it, but the answer I always come back to is "I'm content, its not worth the trouble".

    One thing I will say, is please don't look to hormones. I have not tried them, but all the accounts I've read say that the main thing they do is add confusion, not clarity. I would suggest talking with your therapist about this though. It sounds like it might help you to process through those thoughts jumping around.

  4. #4
    LittleDrummerGirl

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    I, for one, never even liked crossdressing. It just always made me feel worse. I got most of my satisfaction through RPing and the like. But as for discovering my gender, the realization simply came gradually, over time. I went from "I'm a boy" to "maybe I should have been a girl" to "I definitely should have been a girl" to "I should BE a girl", and so on and so forth. Help from members of this forum were really assistive in helping me discover myself.

  5. #5

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    Leffykit - I can relate to the whole 'out of place' thing too kind of though. Not so much because I felt like I didn't get along with boys, so much as I couldn't understand why I couldn't be more girly... I always hated the gender system to be honest, and I don't think I was quite thrilled with some of the changes that occurred over the course of puberty either... I was pretty upset when I realized my voice was deepening...

    During my last year of highschool I had terrible feelings of dysphoria, I don't even want to talk about some of the things that went through my head at the time... But after I started crossdressing, the feelings died down considerably. They still stop by on occasion, but they aren't even 1/10 as bad as they used to be.

    And then there is the fact that I can barely manage to get myself to put myself down as 'male' in video games and online forums anymore... I know that virtual reality is different from real reality, but still...

    Gwendolyn - That's kind of what I've been leaning towards, I really don't identify along the gender binary at all.

    Sometimes I look at transsexual accounts and think 'oh yeah, that definitely looks like me.' but then the next day I could look at the same account and be like 'What? That's crazy, how could I possibly identify with that?'

    I already asked my therapist about trying hormones for an androgynous appearance, but I just don't know how realistic that actually is... Plus while it sounds good in theory, I'm not really certain how I would feel once I put it into practice...

    Sometimes my problems can be solved by simply throwing on a skirt, while other times I feel an almost desperate need to be recognized as female, and other times still I will be completely put off by the thought of being seen as anything but male...

    I wish everyone were just androgynous, because then none of this crap would even matter... I could just wear whatever the heck I wanted whenever the heck I wanted, and no one would care... That's why I was thinking about going gender neutral, because then I could present as whatever the heck I felt like... Again though, that's probably not very realistic now is it?

    Drummergirl - I know what you mean, that's how CDing made me feel at first too, it took a while to get over the awkwardness of it, but it's nice once you do ^-^ My thoughts are more along the line of 'I should have been born a girl', but only because they have more freedom of expression than anything else. I don't know how I would feel about living as one full-time...

  6. #6

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    This was a question my therapist asked me last session and like then I still have no answer of "when" I've never had the feeling of "I should have been born a girl" but I have had a lifetime of feeling out of place, wrong, scared, nervous and feeling like a fraud. But had never had that feeling of being born wrong, but still always feeling guilty and ashamed because I didn't feel or act like a boy should, the things that made a boy a boy seemed wrong for me like I had to try extra hard or else someone would start to pick and pry at me wondering what I was hiding, course I didn't know what I was hiding, what I was hiding from or why I felt like I was hiding, all I knew is I felt out of place.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by LittleRobKY View Post
    This was a question my therapist asked me last session and like then I still have no answer of "when" I've never had the feeling of "I should have been born a girl" but I have had a lifetime of feeling out of place, wrong, scared, nervous and feeling like a fraud. But had never had that feeling of being born wrong, but still always feeling guilty and ashamed because I didn't feel or act like a boy should, the things that made a boy a boy seemed wrong for me like I had to try extra hard or else someone would start to pick and pry at me wondering what I was hiding, course I didn't know what I was hiding, what I was hiding from or why I felt like I was hiding, all I knew is I felt out of place.
    That. That sounds a lot like me.

    I mean I don't feel like that all the time though, only when it comes to certain things. I never hated doing most of the 'guyish' stuff, but I used to avoid 'girly' things like the plague because I thought that if I even so much as thought about them then people would start wondering what was going on in my head...

    Still though, I don't hate being a guy like a lot of other mtf trans people seem to, in fact, I feel quite the opposite. I feel like if I were to give it up entirely I would be miserable... But I also want people to refer to me as a girl too, so I just don't know >_<

    And then there is the dysphoria I used to have... At least, I think it was dysphoria. Either way, some of the things that used to run through my head scared the crap out of me... The severity of my feelings has gone up and down over the years, but when I say they get bad, they get bad.

    They haven't bothered me too much since I started finally started crossdressing, but I feel like the potential for them to come back is still there. I still have sort of dysphorial (is that a word?) thoughts on occasion, but they aren't really bothersome at the moment. I think its been a little over a year since they've gotten really bad, but they have also been known to leave for long periods of time before striking back with a vengeance, so I don't know...

    I think about how bad the thoughts were right after puberty started and during my senior year of high school, and I just get scared... I will seriously do just about anything if it means being sure that those thoughts won't come back, I just wish I knew what that 'anything' was...

    I feel like crossdressing keeps them at bay, but they are still there, and that frightens me. If I end up missing the chance to dress up, then they start buzzing around my head like an angry beehive. Not quite so angrily as they were in the past, but angry nonetheless.

  8. #8

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    dysphoria, I actually had to look that word up and it's pretty fitting to describe my time growing up and even now, I have a lot of issues with depression



    Quote Originally Posted by Kyoko View Post
    Still though, I don't hate being a guy like a lot of other mtf trans people seem to, in fact, I feel quite the opposite. I feel like if I were to give it up entirely I would be miserable... But I also want people to refer to me as a girl too, so I just don't know >_<
    I know how you feel to an extant, I don't hate my man parts and am 99.9% sure i'm stuck with them for life baring injury or winning the lottery LOL but I do hate being a boy, having people looking at me and seeing a boy and treating me as a boy (I use boy because i'll never see or consider myself as a man) I know no matter how much I do i'll never fully be a Women but I do want to be seen, thought of and treated as a Women because that's how I see myself, just with an unsightlly birth defect LOL

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by LittleRobKY View Post
    dysphoria, I actually had to look that word up and it's pretty fitting to describe my time growing up and even now, I have a lot of issues with depression



    I know how you feel to an extant, I don't hate my man parts and am 99.9% sure i'm stuck with them for life baring injury or winning the lottery LOL but I do hate being a boy, having people looking at me and seeing a boy and treating me as a boy (I use boy because i'll never see or consider myself as a man) I know no matter how much I do i'll never fully be a Women but I do want to be seen, thought of and treated as a Women because that's how I see myself, just with an unsightlly birth defect LOL
    Yeah, dysphoria sucks, but it doesn't really bother me all the time.

    The last time it really bothered me was when I was in highschool, a time when I was hanging out with mostly girls. During that year, I hated every part of being a guy. I thought my body was disgusting, and I felt trapped inside of a male social role... (There's a lot more to it than that, but that's the gist)

    Now though, I don't feel that way at all... I mean I also don't really hang out with girls anymore either, and I can't help but wonder if that's because I'm unconsciously avoiding them... I used to be deathly afraid of associating with anything girly because I thought people would figure out that I felt like I should have been a girl (which I'm not entirely sure of myself). Then when I actually did start hanging out with some in high school I ended up becoming a horribly depressed mess...

    There was one girl who I really liked, and the more I started becoming friends with her, the more I started to hate being a guy. I couldn't see myself with her as a man, I tried imagining it, and it felt awkward and forced. I felt like the only way I could be with her was if I were a female. I can't figure out what my thought process behind that was though... I don't know if maybe I was unconsciously taking my value that 'guys can't do anything girly' to the extreme by not allowing myself to imagine myself with her as a guy, or if maybe it really did feel wrong to be with her as a man...

    I feel like I can imagine myself getting with a girl as a guy now in theory, its when I start getting close with one that I think my dysphoric feelings begin to surface again... I just feel like I'm incapable of getting close with a girl, be it romantically or otherwise, because as soon as I start to I end up wanting to be her, and I start to feel like crap. At least I think that's what's going on... Honestly, I've thought about everything so much that I feel like I don't know anything anymore.

  10. #10

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    Well, not every trans person experiences dysphoria (body, social, or otherwise), and not every trans person is transsexual - something the media (and lots of other people) would like to keep a secret. I'm on my phone at the moment, but I just wanted to point out that you don't have to be one or the other (male or female). It may be 'impractial' to be androgynous or some mixture of genders or genderqueer, but it's also impractical to transition (if we're going to consider that more socially acceptable or widely known) when you think about it. It costs tons of money and makes one a social outcast, with the possibility of losing friends, loved ones, family. But if it's something you need to do (ie, to be yourself), it's something you need to do. So if you are androgynous, then just go with it. :3

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