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Thread: I could really use some advice on this

  1. #1

    Default I could really use some advice on this

    A good friend of mine who hosts another ABDL forum recently racked up a $1400 legal bill while defending the site from the absolute stupidity of a member who thought going around and digging into people's lives outside the forum was a good idea. Some of you probably know the site, but I'm not going to mention it as I doubt drawing more direct attention to his situation would actually help him.

    That's why I'm writing this as at this point I don't know where else to turn for advice on this. Over the last couple of weeks since that situation started for him I've seen both his physical and mental health go into a nose dive, along with his finances. He's facing losing his home, and he's already lost his only working phones, and yet he refuses to say anything about this to anyone on that stupid site.

    He has been in and out of the hospital 9 times since November 15th for chest pains and other issues and yet he refuses to say anything because, and this is an actual quote "I don't want them to feel like they have to pay for my screwup." The "screwup" as he puts it was not making the admins sign an actual contract with him so any legal crap that gets slung at the site gets sent his direction instead of where it should go.

    He can't see how the situation is destroying him, and nothing I or any of his other friends say seems to get through to him how serious the situation is. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle the situation? He's dangerously close to going postal, and if he does and is put in a mental health facility it will pretty much guarantee that his parents and roommate will be homeless by the end of January. He's literally the only thing keeping that household remotely stable right now.

    His other friends and I got together recently and paid his Gas and Water bills for him, and that has put some of us in minor financial binds (like a few credit card payments being a day or two late) which helped calm him down some, but not nearly enough. I honestly fear for his health right now, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it beyond what I've already done.

  2. #2

    Default I could really use some advice on this



    Quote Originally Posted by oreocookie View Post
    A good friend of mine who hosts another ABDL forum recently racked up a $1400 legal bill while defending the site from the absolute stupidity of a member who thought going around and digging into people's lives outside the forum was a good idea. Some of you probably know the site, but I'm not going to mention it as I doubt drawing more direct attention to his situation would actually help him.

    That's why I'm writing this as at this point I don't know where else to turn for advice on this. Over the last couple of weeks since that situation started for him I've seen both his physical and mental health go into a nose dive, along with his finances. He's facing losing his home, and he's already lost his only working phones, and yet he refuses to say anything about this to anyone on that stupid site.

    He has been in and out of the hospital 9 times since November 15th for chest pains and other issues and yet he refuses to say anything because, and this is an actual quote "I don't want them to feel like they have to pay for my screwup." The "screwup" as he puts it was not making the admins sign an actual contract with him so any legal crap that gets slung at the site gets sent his direction instead of where it should go.

    He can't see how the situation is destroying him, and nothing I or any of his other friends say seems to get through to him how serious the situation is. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle the situation? He's dangerously close to going postal, and if he does and is put in a mental health facility it will pretty much guarantee that his parents and roommate will be homeless by the end of January. He's literally the only thing keeping that household remotely stable right now.

    His other friends and I got together recently and paid his Gas and Water bills for him, and that has put some of us in minor financial binds (like a few credit card payments being a day or two late) which helped calm him down some, but not nearly enough. I honestly fear for his health right now, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it beyond what I've already done.
    I'm aware of the site - he has posted some of this, but I guess he's been downplaying the severity of it. Going to the hospital 9 times for what sounds like anxiety (I'm assuming here since you say chest pains - I guess it could be a heart problem too) must really suck.

    It's tough, and I don't mean to sound all self-helpy, but I think someone first has to want to help themselves. That's not really satisfactory, I know. The traditional solution might be something like an intervention, but I don't know how effective that would be - maybe something gentler to start with would be a better idea.

    For a more practical idea, I think stress can mess with people's judgement. Maybe enumerating alternatives and problem solving would help. I don't know all of the details though, so that may not work.

  3. #3

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    I always follow the "You can take a horse to water but you cant make it drink". He leads his own life and at the end of the day that is as far as you can go. If he thinks the website or some type of "online pride" is more important then his personal health and home then there is nothing you can do. I am somewhat of a realist and when I look at that situation it sounds like it would be in his best interests to "withdraw" from the table and focus on his own problems. That's my two sense.

    My apologies regarding the situation though~ I hate drama.

  4. #4

    Default I could really use some advice on this



    Quote Originally Posted by Troubles View Post
    I always follow the "You can take a horse to water but you cant make it drink".
    I realize this is veering off topic, but I figure this thread could use some humor. That statement is very accurate. I have quite literally led horses to water, and it's true - you can't make them drink.

    The other thing to remember is to look after yourself first. If you start having trouble yourself then it's a lot harder to help someone else. It's the whole "put on your own oxygen mask first" thing.

  5. #5

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    Sorry I didn't reply sooner. I was at the hospital with him most of the weekend



    Quote Originally Posted by LittleAcorn View Post
    I'm aware of the site - he has posted some of this, but I guess he's been downplaying the severity of it. Going to the hospital 9 times for what sounds like anxiety (I'm assuming here since you say chest pains - I guess it could be a heart problem too) must really suck.
    Actually, I thought that it might be anxiety as well, but the doctors confirmed this weekend it isn't. He does suffer from anxiety attacks, but his take a very odd form. He becomes hyper sensitive to light and being touched and will actively seek to avoid all human contact even online.



    Quote Originally Posted by LittleAcorn View Post
    It's tough, and I don't mean to sound all self-helpy, but I think someone first has to want to help themselves. That's not really satisfactory, I know. The traditional solution might be something like an intervention, but I don't know how effective that would be - maybe something gentler to start with would be a better idea.

    For a more practical idea, I think stress can mess with people's judgement. Maybe enumerating alternatives and problem solving would help. I don't know all of the details though, so that may not work.
    Part of his problem, which I thought I had mentioned actually, is that he tend to internalize almost everything. It's a side-effect of the bullying he went through in school and his general family makeup. He's so used to doing it, I doubt anything about his mental health could be not affected at this point in some way by stress. That's why it was worrying me so much. The extent to which he internalizes things is insane.



    Quote Originally Posted by Troubles View Post
    I always follow the "You can take a horse to water but you cant make it drink". He leads his own life and at the end of the day that is as far as you can go. If he thinks the website or some type of "online pride" is more important then his personal health and home then there is nothing you can do. I am somewhat of a realist and when I look at that situation it sounds like it would be in his best interests to "withdraw" from the table and focus on his own problems. That's my two sense.
    It's not my place to say what he thinks of dealing with that site for the most part, but pride of any type would be at the very bottom of the list

    It's more he deals with the crap that he gets from and about that site because he feels obligated to because of some of the circumstances surrounding how he ended up hosting it to begin with.

    He's never told me the specifics, and in fact I think Kita Sparkles and Wingz may be the only two active members there who know them. All he's ever really told me is some of the background of how they started there and some member paid a huge chunk of cash upfront for the hosting.

    Some of that goes back to the internalizing I mentioned above. He'll not hesitate to help someone out when he can, and will actively seek to not break a promise or agreement even if it would be best for him to do so.



    Quote Originally Posted by LittleAcorn View Post
    The other thing to remember is to look after yourself first. If you start having trouble yourself then it's a lot harder to help someone else. It's the whole "put on your own oxygen mask first" thing.
    Interesting you should mention that. Saturday were talking in his room at the hospital and we were talking about planes and why he refuses to fly anywhere even if someone else is paying for it.

    His reason: "I could never put a f***ing oxygen mask on myself first if there was someone near me having trouble getting their own on."

    I think that sentence pretty much sums up why he tends to downplay the seriousness of some situations.

    Oh, yeah, this weekend they finally found out what's causing his chest pains. Apparently he has a micro fracture on one of his ribs. It's big enough to cause problems, but not big enough to show up on a traditional X-Ray, which is how they kept missing it.

    They still don't know what caused the fracture, but they've got him on some meds that seem to be helping that, and he definitely seems a lot more calm now than a few days ago.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by oreocookie View Post
    "... Interesting you should mention that. Saturday were talking in his room at the hospital and we were talking about planes and why he refuses to fly anywhere even if someone else is paying for it. His reason: "I could never put a f***ing oxygen mask on myself first if there was someone near me having trouble getting their own on." I think that sentence pretty much sums up why he tends to downplay the seriousness of some situations. ...")

    I love the oxygen mask analogy...NOW...does he understand that being unconscious (or dead) because HE DIDN'T PUT HIS MASK ON FIRST....means that he will be of no use to anyone in that condition...up to and including himself???


    And in the analogy, that I first heard it...it was 'your' children...you put your mask on YOU FIRST so you can stay conscious, and able to help the children...





    Going aside from that...what's the stupidity about digging around the net to find more info on others...seems to me, that 'one' shouldn't use i.e. MyDiaperedUserName...on anything but the *B/DL sites...jus'sane ;-)

  7. #7

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    That's just the type of person he is unfortunately. I've never understood it actually, and to be completely honest I'm not sure anyone who knows him could explain it.

    The moron who was digging into people's personal lives was doing it via their email addresses, not usernames. It's actually a stupid technical issue that allowed it to happen. The version of the software on that board doesn't let you default the email address to hidden. The thing is that profiles aren't visible without an account, and they're a bit anal retentive over there about approving new members so it's a low probability anyone other than an actual ABDL would even see the email addresses, but the admins seem hellbent on not letting him upgrade the board to a newer version that supports defaulting email addresses to hidden because, OMG, someone might have to give up their baby, sissy, or LG theme.

    I actually tried to help out with that by looking into modifying the source code to change the default. The source code is a mess, and changing the default prevents registration emails from being sent for some reason.

  8. #8

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    That sucks about the rib fracture. I've bruised a rib a couple times, and the whole "it hurts every time you breath" thing gets really old really fast.

    I'm also surprised that people use their real email addresses. I don't really care if anyone finds out what email I used to register here, since I've only used it here and at other ABDL sites. Yeah, using my normal email address would probably be fine, but it's one extra attack vector I don't need. I guess not everyone is as paranoid as I am about computer security.

    I forget how the registration flow works over there, but it seems like the hacky way to default email addresses to private is to make toggle whatever the default state of the "show/hide email address" field is. It really doesn't seem like changing an html element would mess with registration emails, but I guess I've seen stranger bugs.

    Going back to the original problem, it sounds like he needs to realize that it's a problem. That's a tough one...

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by oreocookie View Post
    That's just the type of person he is unfortunately. I've never understood it actually, and to be completely honest I'm not sure anyone who knows him could explain it. The moron who was digging into people's personal lives was doing it via their email addresses, not usernames. It's actually a stupid technical issue that allowed it to happen. The version of the software on that board doesn't let you default the email address to hidden. The thing is that profiles aren't visible without an account, and they're a bit anal retentive over there about approving new members so it's a low probability anyone other than an actual ABDL would even see the email addresses, but the admins seem hellbent on not letting him upgrade the board to a newer version that supports defaulting email addresses to hidden because, OMG, someone might have to give up their baby, sissy, or LG theme. I actually tried to help out with that by looking into modifying the source code to change the default. The source code is a mess, and changing the default prevents registration emails from being sent for some reason.

    Thank you! I understand the situation more clearly now....all I can really say at this time...iterate the importance of the meaning to the O2 mask analogy...he'll be rendered pretty much useless, if he doesn't take care of himself.


    And with that, my best regards...that he heals, learns, and otherwise recuperates from this experience!


    I'm not actually on any other related sites, so I don't know of the one in question (nor do I need to know...unless you believe that I may be helpful there...) He's otherwise got to know, that his intentions and actions...do not seem properly aligned...I did struggle, at least to a degree...with a similar personal issue. It can be a big 'hill' to climb...but, oh the view is so much clearer...


    My regards,


    -Marka

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by LittleAcorn View Post
    I'm also surprised that people use their real email addresses. I don't really care if anyone finds out what email I used to register here, since I've only used it here and at other ABDL sites. Yeah, using my normal email address would probably be fine, but it's one extra attack vector I don't need. I guess not everyone is as paranoid as I am about computer security.
    Yeah, I know the guy who hosts it uses one his real email addresses, but he also has an unlimited number, and with one exception he hands out addresses on his domains like candy to friends and family




    Quote Originally Posted by LittleAcorn View Post
    I forget how the registration flow works over there, but it seems like the hacky way to default email addresses to private is to make toggle whatever the default state of the "show/hide email address" field is. It really doesn't seem like changing an html element would mess with registration emails, but I guess I've seen stranger bugs.

    Going back to the original problem, it sounds like he needs to realize that it's a problem. That's a tough one...
    There's a checkbox to hide it, but the problem is the board silently ignores the setting when admin approval mode is enabled. It's a logic error somewhere in the PHP code actually.

    Things have somewhat improved since they got him on the pain meds. Apparently a lot of it was the chest pains since they weren't trying to treat them until they found out what was wrong with him.



    Quote Originally Posted by Marka View Post
    Thank you! I understand the situation more clearly now....all I can really say at this time...iterate the importance of the meaning to the O2 mask analogy...he'll be rendered pretty much useless, if he doesn't take care of himself.


    And with that, my best regards...that he heals, learns, and otherwise recuperates from this experience!


    I'm not actually on any other related sites, so I don't know of the one in question (nor do I need to know...unless you believe that I may be helpful there...) He's otherwise got to know, that his intentions and actions...do not seem properly aligned...I did struggle, at least to a degree...with a similar personal issue. It can be a big 'hill' to climb...but, oh the view is so much clearer...


    My regards,


    -Marka
    I know in the past he's had therapists who dropped him as a patient because they simply gave up on trying to help him because of it.

    I honestly think that if he could just find one therapist that would actually take the time to get to know him and understand how his mind actually works it would do him a lot of good.

    Hell I've been his friend for years and while I have a fairly good idea of how his brain works most of the time, there are times (like this one) where I just absolutely can't begin to grasp how he gets from point A to point B.

    If I still have it, I'll have to post a mind map he did a few years ago for one of his NaNoWriMo efforts. It looks like one bizarre tangled web that's impossible to follow from start to finish, and yet he can tell you in intimate detail exactly how to get from point A to point B and make all the stops in the correct order.

    I honestly suspect he may have some kind of undiagnosed disorder in the autism spectrum, but there's no way you'd ever convince him to get tested even if he could find a doctor willing to do the test on someone his age.

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