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Thread: Is now the time?

  1. #1

    Default Is now the time?

    I cant decide whether now is the time to tell my girlfriend, Ive been stewing over it for months and I feel like its coming to a head, I nearly told her last night but I bottled it, i'm scared I will lose her.

    We have been together for two years, were both 19 and would marry tomorrow if the situation allowed it. She is my rock and I know im hers, we share in everything and for our age both very mature. Ive had to go through alot over the last year or so and matured very quickly. She is working in a school and for her age very high up so we are a mature couple despite being 19. When we first got together we were VERY adventurous in the bedroom. We'd tried lots of things, and I had told her about a fantasy of using a strap on. Whilst it never happened other things similar did and it had given me some belief that is open minded. However the thought of loosing her, terrifies me. I know she loves me and i tell myself its enough to look past a minor fetish and see im still me, but it is still scary.

    We had a conversation last night about fetishes. It started badly with an argument with being so worried over telling her, I was adamant I was going to, I stupidly told her a simple little sex toy she wanted to use was weird. It was such a stupid juvenile reaction and I couldn't believe I even had the cheek to say it. It takes alot for her to talk about sex, though shes fine when we actually do it I think she just becomes a different person lol. I havn't said yet but im DL lol, not so much ab but ive never properly tried it. After a lot of seriously meant apologizing, and I think she could see I wanted to get something of my chest, we had a conversation.

    The basics of my 'research' questions were:
    1) What would be a limit that you just couldn't put up with
    2) Would you finish me if I 'developed' a strange fetish
    3) What would you say if I wanted to use something in the bedroom, like latex I think my example was

    The basics of her replies were:
    1) Something extreme like pretend rape or pretending to be dead, that would be horrible, I agreed with her
    2) No, if she really didn't like something we'd talk about it, I went on to say if I said so we could just forget it and try put it behind us she said we wouldn't forget it because it would be something I liked, we'd just talk and work something out.
    3) As long as it didn't become something that always had to be there, every time we went to do anything, her example was like always wanting to do anal sex and no other way.

    I thought the way she reacted was actually brilliant. I kinda guessed she'd be like that thought because like I say, I know how much we really care for each other, we have a very deep understanding and close relationship and I don't believe for a second she'd throw it away over a fetish. However i'm scared it will slowly cause the relationship to self destruct, lets be honest its not 'normal' though then again what is!? The one thing that really put me off was she asked with all these questions im thinking you've got one, what is it? I denied having a fetish and it was left at that. She by nature is quite a nosey person, Im sure she could tell there was something I wanted to say, but it kind of surprised how little she pushed to know. Id like to think it was because she wanted to be careful around the situation for my sake and not push it, but in any other situation im pretty sure she'd push for details.

    So basically with everything said, do I now tell her? I kind of feel if I dont now I can't see how I ever will, and I don't want to have to hide it from her for the rest of my life. I'm know this relationship has got some real legs to it, and surely that would mean this would just add a new dimension to our relationship. I like to think she'd be happy I could divulge something I've never told anyone to her, and she could see the struggle i've had over it. But there's a massive difference between what I like to think and what would happen. It could be a turning point for us in some many different directions. But I surely can't go a lifetime hiding this.

    Any advice would be much appreciated, tbh no comments is fine, its just nice to get everything going round in my head down onto (virtual) paper. Maybe now I can get on with my Economy essay, any one know much about neo liberalism? lol

    Thanks for reading everyone that does,
    Tim

    - - - Updated - - -

    P.S Sorry for the massive essay like post, I was venting. My biggest worry is her reaction towards it being something associated with children. With myself being dl, and not finding the av side attractive I dont see any association. But people outside of abdl world will always instantly associate nappies with children as they know nothing else. As we all know this is never the case. She always tell me how brilliant I am with kids, and what an amazing dad im going to be (not blowing my own trumpet but I am pretty amazing :P). Were both very broody now, but obviously our situation wouldn't suit a family right now, and were much too young. I dont want to lose that respect from her, and I dont want her to panic about having her children potty trained by someone potentially wetting themselves. Im scared shes going to put my fetish for nappies together with my aching to be a dad and get the complete wrong end of the stick. So sorry to have to add more, I just need some advice :/

  2. #2

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    I get your dilemma, but make sure you give this a whole lot of thought, and then some. I recently fessed up to my partner and she's been pretty cool about the whole thing, we'd been together 6 yrs...I did start with, well I kinda need to wear a nappy every so often, and built up to the other stuff (regression and such, which is a bit harder to comprehend) she was still ok even with the regression, but worries about whether it will become an overly prominent part of our relationship. She is accepting this slowly. My concern for you is perhaps with the breadth of your personal interests, I'm wondering how she will process the DL vs AB vs LG/sissy thing, others into the LG thing would have to advise you I think. maybe by presenting it as a complete package she will develop a more accurate image of who you are initially. Have you thrown the transgender thing out there for discussion before? It might be a good way of gauging her opinion. I wish you luck with this, I know how difficult it can be not being completely honest with someone you love so much, and having to be so secretive always worried about being discovered the wrong way. Just think it through really carefully, this may or may not be the right time......

  3. #3

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    Tim,

    I'm 33 - So have a few more years on my back, and I've been in a very long term relationship with my amazing girlfriend for over 10 years... we're both really openminded..

    now my situation was entirely different than yours - I'm incontinent & a bedwetter... so "Not Wearing diapers/pads/pull-ups" was not an option.. .so that "secret" I had to let out of the bad quite early on.
    Oh my, was I fuckin' nervous back then... because I was madly in love and wanted to go "further" with our relationship... but I kept finding excuses on why not stay over at her place etc... but after a very short time I decided to tell her about my "problem"... also there's another side... over the years living with my IC/BedWetting I have become a DL as well... I guess some sort of a coping strategy I guess.
    That I did not tell her upfront... that took a good bit longer... as - like you - I was kind of terrified that she'd take me for some odd-freak... well despite being VERY openminded and experimental in the bedroom.

    After a while we had some good chat about turn-ons, turn-offs, fetishes... etc. She has a few kinks of her own, some I love, some I like, some I don't really find "erotic" myself but once in a while, for her pleasure go along.. and so does she with my own kinks. Diapers on the other hand, she said, would NOT be ANY PROBLEM - but it is for me oddly enough, after having tried to incorporate diapering / diaper-play in our sex-life, as it was once upon a time a "fantasy" I had, proved to be something *I* was really NOT cool with doing with her... I felt REALLY odd wearing the diaper openly in front of her (yes she knows I NEED them.. she knows I wear, but flaunting them was just "wrong" for me and I was less then thrilled by that situation...

    Bottom Line:
    - Be openminded and not afraid.
    - Make her understand, that this is JUST ONE aspect of your personalty
    - Let her know, that you just wanted her to know and do not necessarily want her to involve (even if you'd like to - but leave her a way out)...
    - Tell her, that if this is "off limits" to her, that you respect this, but you'd like to wear once in a while, when you're alone (this way you're honest, and don't really have to play hiding games).
    - Tell her that if there's any of her kinks, no matter what or how weird, that you'd not be freaked out and would try anything for her (though regard your own limits)...
    - Let her ask questions and be patient..
    - DO NOT WALK IN ON HER in a diaper and confront her like that... Don't.

    Also consider, that if she truly loves you, a tiny kink more or less won't make the slightest difference.
    Be respectful - I mean respect her limits / boundaries ... everyone's different, everyone has their own limits. I for one could NEVER do anything involving "feces"... that's just too gross for me... I couldn't handle it anyway... alos I personally am quite a bit into BDSM stuff - BUT I WOULD / COULD never truly hurt/injury a person I love... thus it's always within Safe-Play margins... thus truly causing injury (minor or not) is another thing that's entirely off limits for me... etc...

    The key here is NOT to force anything on your GF, not to make her feel, that this side of you is the most important aspect of your personality (it isn't)...
    Leave the other person room to take this wherever ... I mean, don't try to push her to change you, wear for you, etc... let her know, let her know what you'd like, but make it clear that you won't be disappointed / will be understanding if she doesn't want to. but also tell her that you wanted to be open / honest because you TRUST her.

    And again, if she's a bit openminded, loves you etc.. than it's actually quite easy.

  4. #4

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    I'm a bit older than you as well (30ish), but am also struggling with when and how to tell my SO. To be honest, I don't think there ever is a good time, which means that you might as well do it sooner rather than later.

    Some advice that was given to me (in this thread) is that when you do talk about it, the issue isn't going to be the diapers, but why you kept it a secret. I'm not too worried about that myself, since I've recently decided that I'm not going to make my ABDL desires go away and it's better to accept it than fight it, and I'm reasonably comfortable saying that. I don't know if you've been hiding things/etc, but I wouldn't have thought about that before someone pointed it out to me.

    In my case, I've thought about asking leading questions, dropping hints, etc, but have ultimately decided that's counterproductive, and that it's better to just come out and say it (gently, of course, but honestly - including that while I've been interested for a long time, it's only recently that I'm not likely to change).

    It does sound like she's open-minded, which is probably a good thing. Good luck!

  5. #5

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by ozbub View Post
    I get your dilemma, but make sure you give this a whole lot of thought, and then some. I recently fessed up to my partner and she's been pretty cool about the whole thing, we'd been together 6 yrs...I did start with, well I kinda need to wear a nappy every so often, and built up to the other stuff (regression and such, which is a bit harder to comprehend) she was still ok even with the regression, but worries about whether it will become an overly prominent part of our relationship. She is accepting this slowly. My concern for you is perhaps with the breadth of your personal interests, I'm wondering how she will process the DL vs AB vs LG/sissy thing, others into the LG thing would have to advise you I think. maybe by presenting it as a complete package she will develop a more accurate image of who you are initially. Have you thrown the transgender thing out there for discussion before? It might be a good way of gauging her opinion. I wish you luck with this, I know how difficult it can be not being completely honest with someone you love so much, and having to be so secretive always worried about being discovered the wrong way. Just think it through really carefully, this may or may not be the right time......
    Thanks for your advice its much appreciated, nice to hear off someone in the same positon, I'm really stuck ad for what and when to tell her. The thing found in regards to ab/sissy side is its just a further arm to the fantasy, but when I then involve my gf in that fantasy it loses its allure as it were, I don't think in reality its something I could live out, maybe slight parts of a 'sissy' side but more just cross dressing and even then I'm not sure. I think all I'd like if I could have whatever I wanted with my partner would be to wear for comfort and de stress from time, and to maybe use in sexual play, but that's about it. I think the other fantasies will stay fantasys and so I don't think ill have to go through the difficulty of explaining that too her

  6. #6

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    Thanks for your help and advice its much appreciated, sorry I couldn't reply to you all last night, I had one opportunity on the way in from work lol

    I took on board everything people said and tried again last night, my gf randomly told me how much I mean to her when we were lieing in bed which gave me the confidence to try again. So I kind of started off a conversation similar to the one from the night before, but this time I actually took a massive step for myself personally, normally I get flushed the moment I mention anything to do with ab, but I stayed cool. I think she was telling me how she's been asked to look after a girl at work and she'll have to change her nappies, and she doesn't do that. I took that as an opportunity and said what would you of done if we'd of got together and I broke to you I was incontinent, she said she didn't know but she'd obviously still love me. I then asked what if it was an occasional choice, and her reply surprised said me because she said what like those people who like to pretend to be babies (how she knows I don't know), that would weird me out a lot. I said not necessarily acting as a baby but just using incontinence pants ( not a chance I was gonna say adult nappy) to relax and maybe abit of a fetish. She simply said your really going on about it are you trying to tell me something, I 'joked' that I was to which she replied, don't be silly you like your toilet time too much ( I have a habit of reading the whole newspaper lol) with a tap on my bum. My instinct said she could tell something was coming and wanted to stop it going further, allthough considering the strange questions I've asked the last few days she may have just thought it was another one and not taken it seriously. Its completely knocked the limited confidence I had, she still re iterated to me later in the night when she woke up and i was just sitting up thinking, that I was her world and she's love me, I just wish I could tell what was going on in her head :/ if she did have some idea, then it would seem pretty clear she doesn't want to hear it.

    Sorry for the I said she said stuff, but I just wanted see where people thought the situation was at

    Tim

  7. #7

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    So what do people think? After the few days of conversation I really don't know wether to pursue this or not, I'm tempted to leave it until a later on now, but then she can tell there's something on my mind, its a real dilemma for my atm :/

  8. #8

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    Ok I recently stumbled across someone on tumblr, she may be of interest to you, specifically This

    Ok don't ignore all the good advice on this thread but tip 1 should take a huge part in your decision here, you don't want to kill your relationship by telling your girlfriend but by not telling and trusting her you're going to make her unhappy.

    I'd suggest if you want to do it you go on a tack like, "you know I've been hiding something from you, it's not bad but I'm worried that you might take it the wrong way" and pour your heart out and maybe just maybe that might make things better even if she doesn't get you as much after, the trust that you share should make up for that,

    Some will see this as reckless advice but it's worth adding to your pile of things to think about

  9. #9

    Default

    The question here is how much do you love her.
    I once asked my father on his 24 wedding anniversary how he and Mom had stayed together so long.
    He told me you had to give 95%. In fact both of you have to give 95%. Because if you give what you think is 95% you are actually only giving 50%. You can't give everything and you can't take everything.
    Honesty is the rock any relationship is based on.
    What you need to look at is would or could you give this up for her?
    By the way I am 64 and have been married for 36 years

  10. #10

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by DylanK View Post
    Ok I recently stumbled across someone on tumblr, she may be of interest to you, specifically This

    Ok don't ignore all the good advice on this thread but tip 1 should take a huge part in your decision here, you don't want to kill your relationship by telling your girlfriend but by not telling and trusting her you're going to make her unhappy.

    I'd suggest if you want to do it you go on a tack like, "you know I've been hiding something from you, it's not bad but I'm worried that you might take it the wrong way" and pour your heart out and maybe just maybe that might make things better even if she doesn't get you as much after, the trust that you share should make up for that,

    Some will see this as reckless advice but it's worth adding to your pile of things to think about
    Thanks for the article, i'm definitely going to have a look through now

    And I think that's going to have to be the way I take this on. She knows somethings up so I think its going to be a case of tell her everything now or just make up some rubbish and never say again. We are very open with each other, never too scared to just pour our hearts if somethings wrong so I think it would probably be the best policy. If she wonders why I haven't told her before, which I have considered, i'm just going to explain to her its only recently I've realized I can not hide this forever, and I was just genuinely terrified of her reaction.

    Thanks Again

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