I cant decide whether now is the time to tell my girlfriend, Ive been stewing over it for months and I feel like its coming to a head, I nearly told her last night but I bottled it, i'm scared I will lose her.
We have been together for two years, were both 19 and would marry tomorrow if the situation allowed it. She is my rock and I know im hers, we share in everything and for our age both very mature. Ive had to go through alot over the last year or so and matured very quickly. She is working in a school and for her age very high up so we are a mature couple despite being 19. When we first got together we were VERY adventurous in the bedroom. We'd tried lots of things, and I had told her about a fantasy of using a strap on. Whilst it never happened other things similar did and it had given me some belief that is open minded. However the thought of loosing her, terrifies me. I know she loves me and i tell myself its enough to look past a minor fetish and see im still me, but it is still scary.
We had a conversation last night about fetishes. It started badly with an argument with being so worried over telling her, I was adamant I was going to, I stupidly told her a simple little sex toy she wanted to use was weird. It was such a stupid juvenile reaction and I couldn't believe I even had the cheek to say it. It takes alot for her to talk about sex, though shes fine when we actually do it I think she just becomes a different person lol. I havn't said yet but im DL lol, not so much ab but ive never properly tried it. After a lot of seriously meant apologizing, and I think she could see I wanted to get something of my chest, we had a conversation.
The basics of my 'research' questions were:
1) What would be a limit that you just couldn't put up with
2) Would you finish me if I 'developed' a strange fetish
3) What would you say if I wanted to use something in the bedroom, like latex I think my example was
The basics of her replies were:
1) Something extreme like pretend rape or pretending to be dead, that would be horrible, I agreed with her
2) No, if she really didn't like something we'd talk about it, I went on to say if I said so we could just forget it and try put it behind us she said we wouldn't forget it because it would be something I liked, we'd just talk and work something out.
3) As long as it didn't become something that always had to be there, every time we went to do anything, her example was like always wanting to do anal sex and no other way.
I thought the way she reacted was actually brilliant. I kinda guessed she'd be like that thought because like I say, I know how much we really care for each other, we have a very deep understanding and close relationship and I don't believe for a second she'd throw it away over a fetish. However i'm scared it will slowly cause the relationship to self destruct, lets be honest its not 'normal' though then again what is!? The one thing that really put me off was she asked with all these questions im thinking you've got one, what is it? I denied having a fetish and it was left at that. She by nature is quite a nosey person, Im sure she could tell there was something I wanted to say, but it kind of surprised how little she pushed to know. Id like to think it was because she wanted to be careful around the situation for my sake and not push it, but in any other situation im pretty sure she'd push for details.
So basically with everything said, do I now tell her? I kind of feel if I dont now I can't see how I ever will, and I don't want to have to hide it from her for the rest of my life. I'm know this relationship has got some real legs to it, and surely that would mean this would just add a new dimension to our relationship. I like to think she'd be happy I could divulge something I've never told anyone to her, and she could see the struggle i've had over it. But there's a massive difference between what I like to think and what would happen. It could be a turning point for us in some many different directions. But I surely can't go a lifetime hiding this.
Any advice would be much appreciated, tbh no comments is fine, its just nice to get everything going round in my head down onto (virtual) paper. Maybe now I can get on with my Economy essay, any one know much about neo liberalism? lol
Thanks for reading everyone that does,
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P.S Sorry for the massive essay like post, I was venting. My biggest worry is her reaction towards it being something associated with children. With myself being dl, and not finding the av side attractive I dont see any association. But people outside of abdl world will always instantly associate nappies with children as they know nothing else. As we all know this is never the case. She always tell me how brilliant I am with kids, and what an amazing dad im going to be (not blowing my own trumpet but I am pretty amazing :P). Were both very broody now, but obviously our situation wouldn't suit a family right now, and were much too young. I dont want to lose that respect from her, and I dont want her to panic about having her children potty trained by someone potentially wetting themselves. Im scared shes going to put my fetish for nappies together with my aching to be a dad and get the complete wrong end of the stick. So sorry to have to add more, I just need some advice :/