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Thread: My Paranoid Ravings...

  1. #1

    Default My Paranoid Ravings...

    Hey guys.

    So, I'm pretty sure my dad has found out that I've been questioning my gender lately (he caught me dressed up, and I'm pretty sure he might have accidentally stumbled upon one of my pictures of me dressed up too >_>) and now I'm worried about him...

    I haven't said anything to him, partially because I don't really know what to say yet, and partially because I thought we had a whole 'you don't say nothin I won't say nothin' thing going on, but he's been acting rather funny lately.

    Yesterday, I was talking to my sister about a roleplay I was in (on another website) and my dad walked in on us. He overheard me referring to my character as 'she' and he said 'You're character is a girl? What are you a closet transsexual or something?'

    I sort of pretended not to hear his comment, because I didn't know how to respond to it... Then he walked off, but before he did, my sister said a curse word, and I heard my dad say to my mom 'where did I go wrong?' My mom asked what he meant, and after a brief pause he said 'Listen to their language'.

    I'm almost certain that the comment was not referring to my sister's language, as the two of us curse all the time and he never says anything, which leads me to think that he is blaming himself for my problem with my gender... Today me and him went to the store to pick up paint, and he asked me 'Promise me that if something happens to me, you won't be like your uncles and leave her to fend for herself.' (My uncles aren't exactly model children)

    Anyway, that comment has me paranoid that maybe he is planning to do something to himself... I don't think he really hangs out with any friends (a lot of his childhood friends either moved away, or became drug addicts) and now with his blaming himself for my gender stuff I'm scared he's gonna do something...

    He also got into shooting recently (a few months ago) and has started buying his own guns to shoot at the range, and of course, silly old me promised not to tell my mother about the guns.

    So now I don't know what I should do, I suppose it could just be me being paranoid. My dad has made 'if anything should happen to me' comments before, but they didn't quite add before the way they are now... I can't tell my mom about this because I don't want her to worry, and I can't confront him directly because if I do, I'm 99% sure that the issue of my gender might come up, and I'm really not ready to talk to him about that yet... I'm really scared right now, I don't know how to approach this, but if I don't do something, and it turns out that I'm not just being paranoid, then I'm going to feel like its my fault... Both of my grandfathers committed suicide (one shot himself and the other drowned himself.) and my grandmother on my dad's side OD'd on drugs, so depression is known to run in my family, so yes, I do have rather good reasons to be paranoid about this.

    I don't know what to do about this... how do I even approach it?

  2. #2


    First of all, if your suspicions are at all true (which they very well might not be) this is not your fault. The first thing you need to tell yourself is that. Depression is a complicated issue, caused by both internal bodily factors causing people to not be in the right frame of mind, and external issues. Your hints at a gender identity issue would not be enough to throw your father into a suicidal depression and this is something you must hold onto in your mind and heart.

    That being said, this is something to take very seriously...

    These things by all means do not say for certain he is thinking of hurting himself, especially if taken alone, but if you put them together, these paint a very dangerous possible warning sign to me. Again, that doesn't mean they say anything, but they might. A family history, recently getting into guns, asking if you will protect your mother if something happens to him, all of these things are warning signs.

    I can't tell you what the best thing to do here would be, as I don't know your family and the whole story, but I can tell you this. Whenever you hear/see things like this, you can't keep it to yourself. Tell your mother everything you are posting here. Tell her all of the things you have heard and seen your father do that are worrying you, tell her about the guns (it's better to get in trouble with your dad than the possible alternative). The worst thing you can do is to keep things to yourself and hope they get better. Maybe she has noticed things too and you can discuss it with her and either feel better about the situation if she can explain things, or try and help your father.

    It might turn out to be nothing as these are by no means a certain sign, but better safe than sorry in this case. Let your mother help. She's the best person you can tell right now, as she knows your father and can help him/get him help if he needs it. Again, he might not, but you can't be sure.

    Don't confront him alone, tell your mother first and then maybe you both can after you talk about it with her.

    I know this is a very hard thing to do, especially since you promised your father you wouldn't tell, but you are doing this to help him out of love for him, not out of spite. Even if it turns out this was nothing, tell him why you did it. If it wasn't nothing, telling someone now might save him.

    It will be ok...just be strong and don't stay alone on this. Tell your mom and/or another trusted adult.

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