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Thread: Why would my dad not be supportive of me?

  1. #1

    Question Why would my dad not be supportive of me?

    I'll try to post this quickly as my mom sleeps in a recliner in the living room, but in case you didn't know, today is "TDOR," which is a day to remember those killed for being transgendered. Two years ago, my name almost went down as yet another statistic, although no one would've ever known it because my parents have been keeping my sexuality a deep, dark secret ever since I cut my hair at age 10 (and never grew it out again).

    See, in June of 2010, I thought I wouldn't survive to see another fall, or even the summer solstice, which is the dividing line between my sign (Gemini) and Cancer the Crab. What happened was, my birthday was ruined a few days before it happened by a long-distance call from an uncle, telling my mom (his sister) that I'd "come-out" as transgender to several family members and swore them to secrecy.

    So naturally, she cried for several hours, not because she didn't know this facet of my personality, but because she was ashamed of me for telling them. I wasn't surprised by this and promised "not to ever do it again," saying, "Yes, Mother Dear" through blubbering sobs when she threatened to kill me "if I ever talk about wanting to be a man again." So I can accept that it cannot be discussed with her.

    But my dad is the one who surprised me. He hasn't lived with us since January of 2005, but when he found-out, he came over, cursed me out, and said, "What's this BS about you wanting to be a man? You'd never last a day as a man because you'd mouth-off to the wrong person and they'd kill you!" So could someone please explain what he would be losing if I chose to live as a guy? They already have a "normal" daughter who is now 20, so why would they rather bury me than see me happy with a flat chest and a deeper voice? I mean, why does a 60-year-old, dead-beat, wife-divorcing, graduation-missing father need two "feminine" daughters, anyway?
    Last edited by RobiBoi7; 20-Nov-2012 at 19:46. Reason: typo

  2. #2

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    Just be your own man, why people are the way they are isn t worth worring about. They fear judgment, and I dont think they are afraid for you, but for themselves, because people may laugh at them.

  3. #3

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    I don't know if "laugh at them" is the best choice of words here. Maybe "overacted because of a fear of what others would think". Or even what others would say about their parenting skills if they didn't raise two perfectly "normal" daughters. That said I think ignorance would play a part too, do they understand why you want to be a man or even what it means to you? That said, it seems to me as though they might not just be "afraid for themselves".

    The reason why I think this is because of what your father said. It was rude, blunt and disrespectful but I find myself asking, why it is he would have said that in the first place?

    Because he was afraid for himself? Fear seems like an aspect to me, but I think he could just be afraid in general. Afraid for you and what society would view you as, as well as afraid for himself for not knowing if he did something wrong raising you.

    I'm probably looking too deep into this though, so anyway your parents overacted and while I wish I could give you some advise on how to handle your current situation it's not one I've confronted before.

    Bare in mind though that not all transgendered parents are supportive of their kids. It's not healthy, but I imagine some parents just wouldn't be able to wrap their head around even the idea of it.

  4. #4
    LilPrincessJessica

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    Just don't talk about it to them, wait until you move out. If you really want to by then, you'll be 18 or 20, maybe older, and you should save up for it yourself, and if possible drop contact if you feel a need to. Just make sure you're positive it's what you want.

  5. #5

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    I don't think your mother would really kill you or anything, I think she is just afraid. Coming out as trans is emotionally taxing, not just for you, but for those around you as well (I'm not saying that its more or less taxing for them, just that it isn't easy for them either). She's probably afraid that other people will think less of her as a parent, and that she's failed in raising you (which doesn't really seem to be true, because you seem like a good person from what I've seen on this site). That, and then there's the whole 'parental fear for the child' thing. She doesn't know how the rest of society will treat you for being this way, and she doesn't want you to get hurt. Again, I haven't met your mother so I can't be sure, but from what you said above, it doesn't seem to me like she really hates you or is just thinking about herself here.

    As for your dad... I don't want to overstep my bounds, because I probably don't know the whole situation, but for someone who has barely seen their kid at all in the last 7 years to come over and lecture them on how to live their life seems ludicrous to me. He has no right to do that, and I personally wouldn't pay him any mind. (Seriously, he missed your graduation, but he shows up to lecture you about your gender? That to me, is just ridiculous.)

    I know these problems aren't easy to deal with, but I'm glad you didn't join the statistics. I almost did the same thing during my senior year of high school. While most people were spending their last year of high school drinking or partying with their friends, I was spending it in tears and misery for reasons that, at the time, didn't seem to make any sense. It wasn't until the next summer that I really began to figure out what my problem was.

    Anyway, if I were in your position, I would probably just wait until I turned 18 and I could start living my life the way I wanted, and maybe ask my mom to let me see a therapist in the meantime. If you haven't, maybe you could join an online support group for transgendered people. There's quite a few that will come up with a quick google search.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kyoko View Post
    I would probably just wait until I turned 18 and I could start living my life the way I wanted, and maybe ask my mom to let me see a therapist in the meantime. If you haven't, maybe you could join an online support group for transgendered people. There's quite a few that will come up with a quick google search.
    You have a good point about everything else besides my age, because I am in my late 20's (hint: June 2013 shall be a very depressing birthday for me), but still living at home. I know I don't seem like I can possibly be that old, but I have a college degree and a beautiful little car, bought new in 2002, that I've been driving ever since. That is part of why I cannot "rock the boat" and leave, because if I do I know I can't have it, since it's still in my mom's name. She also threatened to "throw everything in my room on the side of the road like garbage," and I can't let that happen because my things, however "worthless" they may seem to most, are like people to me!!! It would take some big, burly movers to instantly get everything I have to another location within a day, so naturally I could never pull that off. I would've had to run away and try to live in a box by the railroad tracks, which would've lasted all but as few hours as it takes for my stomach to start growling for the delicious food only Mom can cook. So that is why I continue to take this "abuse," as an adult well over halfway through with my 3rd decade of life, and am willing to go along with her and hide the fact that I'm not really a "woman" inside.

  7. #7

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    ...why are you still living at home? It might be time to grow up, sweetie. I know that's an odd concept to be promoting here but seriously... if you're almost thirty, you should probably be worrying about moving out and starting your life.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tinklebell View Post
    ...why are you still living at home? It might be time to grow up, sweetie. I know that's an odd concept to be promoting here but seriously... if you're almost thirty, you should probably be worrying about moving out and starting your life.
    I live at home because even if I had a job that paid me well enough to live alone, that still wouldn't be the right thing to do because my mom would be totally alone herself. My dad left almost 8 years ago, at which time she still had both my sister and I. But that changed in 2010 when my younger (yes, that's correct) sister went to college out-of-state and is now living in an apartment with a guy and his male friends. So now it's just Mom and I, like when I was little and my dad got a new job in another state, my sister having not been born yet since we're almost 9 years apart. But my mom really does have "loving" moments when she hugs me and says I'm "all she's got left," so it does seem worth it to live this way at times. Besides, it is because of my association with her that there's anyone from our church who can help us in times of need, and being the eccentric, overweight, transmasculine "female" I appear to be, I highly doubt anyone would bid me the time of day, let alone be a good enough friend to me to help me out when I need it. I also have a shyness that won't allow me to carry-on a conversation with them, since my dysphoria about my body and voice really encroaches upon my ability to develop a normal social life. I graduated high school (and then college) with no one who could truly be considered "my friend." In fact, I kind of slept through my teens, between homework and everything I had to do, hoping I'd "wake-up" to find that this "bad dream" of a life was really just that.

  9. #9

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    Abusive people aren't worth living with, no matter how "loving" they are. Just remember that a miracle isn't going to happen, so you have to leave home before anything will get better, or live with all the crap you have now for the rest of your life...

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by RobiBoi7 View Post
    So could someone please explain what he would be losing if I chose to live as a guy? They already have a "normal" daughter who is now 20, so why would they rather bury me than see me happy with a flat chest and a deeper voice? I mean, why does a 60-year-old, dead-beat, wife-divorcing, graduation-missing father need two "feminine" daughters, anyway?
    with all due respect, he would be missin you as he knows you... throughout childhood & adolescence, he knew you as his daughter... officially changing sex is a big change... hard for any parent to get used to...

    also keep in mind that he is a 60 year old man... this is a generalization & is not intended to offend any older members -- many (not all) older folk ('specially men) are very anti-LGBT... es just the way they grew up, the cultural beliefs that have lasted with em their entire lives... hard to give up that...

    the father sounds like hes bein a dick to ya, but there are some reasons behind it... good luck...

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