im sure any of you have seen my name on the page once or twice this week posting to alot of messages or replying to a lot ... im sure a lot of you have seen my activity on your recently replied list ....,,,, but the it suddenly stooped..

there is a reason to this but i am warning you it does get a little depressing so be warned ... it also might be one heck of a read

first let me start off by telling you about myself. I am a soon to be 22 year old (nov 16th) who live at his parents house (i did try moving out but ill get to that ) my mom and my step dad do have medical problems but i would rather not get into it and just say that i have to help them out whenever i can

well just recently i applied to college on Tuesday (and for all you Canadians you no all the bull you have to go thru to just apply) well anyways the point that i am trying to get across here is the fact that i should feel happy for myself ...... but i don't .... the fat is i feel like no matter what i do its bound to ... mess up (trying to keep it pg here ).

and i don't no if its just me but it seems to me that whenever something good happens to me .. within say a month or so .... it all goes downhill. like ill end up feeling happy for lets say .... a week .. then i am hit with something so hard i am hit with Takotsubo cardiomyopathy (or in other words broken heart syndrome) where the heart feels really weakened by a event or just feeling like junk (and yes there have been days where i didn't even get out of bed)

i will admit that i get attracted to people rather easily and actually do care abut them (unlike most people who just see a sex toy ....(sorta pg)).i actually wanna no how a persons day is. i wanna no what they had to eat or what that mean lady at the gym said about them. and i will admit i feel lonely a lot but at this rate i am use to it. im guessing this problem is because all i have ever wanted was to be loved.

but onto the moving out thing ... as i have stated b4 that when something good happens to me that a bad thing is bound to follow. well back about year or so ago i moved out of my parents house to go live with my cousin and his wife,,,,, all was going ok for a bit but then rent was due and we all had to move into there parents place. what gets to me is the fact that they where ready to set me adrift in a moments notice just to save themselves... like it seems that i am just good to anyone till they are done using me .... and yes i will say i have been used. luckily i was able to stay with there family till i had to move back here (due to money problems)

now im warning you this next paragraph discusses some graphic stuff

there has been times where i have thought about suicide but i no i am not stupid enough to do it ... and right now ... that hold on not doing it grows weaker and weaker each day. there have been times that i have said that if i wasnt happy with my life by the new year i would end it..

its just that i expect so much negativity in my life cause it always happends ... hell cause of one of my ex's i now have trust issues (cheated on me multiple times).

im not expecting you all to feel sorry for me and i will admit i have gone on for a long time but i thought i would give u guys a update on to why i havent posted in a few days... basically cause of depression and not feeling as happy go lucky as i was the day i joined... im sure i will snap out of it .. but thes thoughts are still in my head... heck its almost 4 am and i cant sleep cause im to busy thinking about what am i to do ....

thank you if u actually read this much and im sorry if i bored you