There are some posts on similar topics, but none address exactly this, so hopefully rehashing some old (and common) topics is ok. And besides, none of the other threads are about me.
I'm 30ish, and have been a DL for as long as I can remember - I remember trying on a diaper I found when I was about 4, and being obsessed by them in elementary school - I won't go into details since it's probably a familiar story. I'm not much of an AB, but that could be lack of opportunity to indulge - a pacifier sounds like it could be fun, although I don't think I'd be into the role-playing side of it.
I've always tried to fight the feelings, but recently decided that's silly and I would probably feel better if I stopped trying to fight it and accepted that I like diapers. Maybe it's similar to a binge/purge cycle, but so far I've always been on the purge side.
So I recently bought some goodnites (yeah, I know I should get diapers that actually fit - I'm still embarrassed about buying them, even though I know I shouldn't be, and can't order online yet due to my living situation). It was the first time I wore and used diapers since I was potty trained, other than some attempts at a makeshift diaper with towels and safety pins, although I never wet those. I liked them, although I was half hoping I wouldn't and I'd be able to put this to rest, but no luck there.
I still feel guilty about it, however. Joining adisc has helped, and sometimes I feel relaxed and accepting of myself - it's a wonderful feeling. But then the guilt and shame come back.
Sometimes I think it would be easier if I had a more standard BDSM kink, like bondage, whips, spanking, etc. Then again, maybe that's because that's not my thing, and if it were I'd be embarrassed and feel guilty about that instead.
Part of this I'm sure is that I haven't told my SO. I do feel a little guilty about this since I feel I haven't been completely honest (although I've never lied about it), but in my defense I've been trying to suppress my DL tendencies until recently and hoping that they go away. I am planning on telling her, but I think I need to come to terms with it myself first.
I'm starting to ramble, so here are some questions. How did you come to terms with your AB/DL side, especially if you tried to suppress it for a while (or a long time, as the case may be)? And does anyone have opinions as to whether the guilt/shame is about liking diapers, or more generally from liking someting that is non-standard?