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Thread: Relationship Advice Sigh

  1. #1

    Default Relationship Advice Sigh

    Hey guys, I need a little bit of help here. Its a mature problem so yeah under 18's you have been warned

    So me and my FiancÚ broke up at the end of August, it was a mutual thing we were both really unhappy in the relationship and we are still friends.

    So i moved back in with my parents which means i am about two hours away from her. This has given us alot of space which was one of the problems we were very much ontop of each other when we were living together. We were living in her home town and i had trouble making friends there and felt really isolated, and she was the only friend i had so if i wanted to do anything i had to do it with her, which was fine at first but everyone needs their space.

    So anyway with us breaking up it strangely meant we were talking more and when we did see each other we were getting on better. So then it got sexual and the lines blurred and we are kind of unoficially back together now.

    And this is my problem I really dont think i want to be back with her. One of the problems is that we both need to grow up and we wont do that when we are together so that was a big factor for the original break up.

    But another big thing is i am completely unfufilled sexually. She is really selfish in that regard. The last time i was with her i went down on her for a solid hour, and when she came she kind of just went through the motions (as she always does) with me. It felt cold and well to be honest kind of like i was with a prostitute. Like there was no love there it was like she was doing it out of an obligation. So anyway i got a bit upset about it and asked her to stop. I wasnt being mean or anything i was giving her the silent treatment though. Then she accused me of just coming over to get a booty call, which wasnt the case. She was on her own and was freaking out so i came over to keep her company. And then i said that she never seems to enjoy it when its my turn if you will and she was all like well what do you expect. Then she was giving out to me because i initiated it, but like she wasnt complaining when i was going down on her.

    This is definitely a recurring thing, and she was on the pill for a while and i know her sex drive was hit but she seems to be over that, but she still never initiates it.

    Anyway i think thats enough detail to ask my question. How sexual should a relationship be? Like i do enjoy her company and i still love her but i dont know. Like for me i dont associate sex with love, but i accept you only have sex with someone you are in a relationship with. Now i want sex but she doesnt, so should i find someone else? Is that a good reason? Like i know i need sex, and if i dont get it i know i will resent her for it. Am i being a bit of a prick here? I am so confused right now and well yeah i dont know what to think. And also there are other issues at hand but sex seems to be the one that pops up the most

    Thanks for listening to me it feels good to vent but still wow am i confused on what to do

  2. #2

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    I'm not sure if I should be giving you relationship advice, or breakup advice in this situation. So lets see...



    Quote Originally Posted by MrMcAwesome
    And this is my problem I really dont think i want to be back with her.


    So then it got sexual and the lines blurred and we are kind of unoficially back together now.


    Like i do enjoy her company and i still love her but i dont know. Like for me i dont associate sex with love, but i accept you only have sex with someone you are in a relationship with.
    From what I'm getting, I think breakup advice would be more beneficial to you, as this is a failed, broken relationship I wouldn't bother trying to fix or getting to work out this way.

    This is me talking from experience. Sexual interests bring exes together for the worst possible reasons. Sometimes it's done out of guilt, out of an illusion of intimacy, or for mere use for each other as sex toys. You've my friend seem to have become stuck in between using each other, and a false sense of intimacy.

    The biggest cause of concern is you're not over her. Love and friendship don't mix. Period. As long as one party is still emotionally involved, it doesn't work. This is something I've figured out the hard way. And trust me on that not to make that mistake. If you want to be friends, take the time to actually get over her and you should do this by something called the "no contact rule" as it's called in relationship lingo. Even if you are using each other for sex, bitterness and jealousy can make it a horrible experience.



    One of the problems is that we both need to grow up and we wont do that when we are together so that was a big factor for the original break up.
    If I had a nickle for every time I heard that one. My friends ex said that, and my other buddy's ex said it, fuck even I said it at one point. Then guess what happens? They find someone new lickety split, and sometimes it works out even better. It's usually a little more complicated than that, which means "I should find a partner that isn't." Relationships require work, not a full blown construction project...which that is.



    Now i want sex but she doesnt, so should i find someone else?
    Kick her to the curb. Go "No Contact." Find someone more suited to you. Feel loooooads better.

    Definitely man don't even put up with such a weird situation and become "passive" to her differing interests.


  3. #3

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    I hear what your saying and thanks i need to hear it. Your right im definitely not over her, everything you said i agree with but still i dont want to end contact with her. But i dont know if its out of guilt, when ever i think about cutting her out of my life i always think about how hurt she would be by that and how lonely she would be (I'm her only friend at the moment, long story) and thats what really makes me chicken out.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by MrMcAwesome View Post
    I hear what your saying and thanks i need to hear it. Your right im definitely not over her, everything you said i agree with but still i dont want to end contact with her. But i dont know if its out of guilt, when ever i think about cutting her out of my life i always think about how hurt she would be by that and how lonely she would be (I'm her only friend at the moment, long story) and thats what really makes me chicken out.
    That feeling is completely normal and is without a doubt guilt since your considering her feelings. I even felt it after my last one to varying degrees. And perhaps I can help there too. Realize a couple things:

    1. Her state of affairs and feelings are not in any way shape or form your concern or responsibility as her partner anymore.

    2. Your own state of being is the utmost important thing. Not her's.

    3. Relationships and Friendships are not built on guilt, but trust and reciprocal feelings.

    4. She more than likely has already started to move on, so it's pretty worthless for you to care.

    Doing the no contact thing is by far the toughest thing ever. I went back and forth 3 times, through a lot of unneeded stress because of it. Doing so though made me get over her faster, got her out of my life, and helped me find myself and become stronger. I even worked out some personal issues from it. Take that time. Believe me man, it's the best path to take here.

    Good luck dude!

  5. #5

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    Just the fact that you broke up once doesn't bode well for the second time around. From what you say, it sounds like she's emotionally playing you. I think it's time to part company and start anew.

  6. #6

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    I totally agree with the other posters about breaking up.
    You are both comfortable with each other and know each other intimately.
    So it quite easy to have sex with your ex because there is that familiarity, vs starting afresh.
    You need to let her go as she will hinder your progress as getting a new girlfriend and keep you stuck in an unfulfillable sexual relationship.
    Its a vicious circle, and you were not and will not be happy with her.

  7. #7

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    For most people, its a LOT easier to get along when its not 24/7. What does that mean for your relationship? I don't know. If you're as happy to see her leave as you are to see her, that's not a good sign.

    Sex feels good because if it didn't, nobody would hang around together long enough to keep the species going. Its a really strong urge that makes us overlook a lot of red flags. Like the urge for diapers but more so. What does that mean for your relationship? If you're not getting enough, there's going to be cheating and/or distance between you. Best case for society, you become a withdrawn shell of a man with hair on your palms. Worst case, we see you on the late news doing the perp walk in an orange jumpsuit. This is something you've got to work out in your own head, and then with her. Everybody's got different levels of need, so I can't tell you what's reasonable. If it doesn't feel 100% right, though, bail now while its still cheap and easy to do so. Its a lot tougher and more expensive once you've made a 'permanent' commitment. Don't forget there's 3+ billion other females in the world to choose from.

  8. #8

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    I think that cutting her out of your life will benefit you and, unfortunately she may be hurt but, you've got to do what's best for you in the end. It will be you living your life in the future not her.

  9. #9

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    My opinion ? Is better to be oficialy free and share things with others. Nothing wrong I see, in this way (after the break with my last) works all better, than together and all time moving shits from one side to second and back...

    Or as it's one spanish popular told: Better be good alone, than with bad company.

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