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Thread: Should I feel guilty?

  1. #1

    Default Should I feel guilty?

    I personally identify myself as gay (not out though). My friendship group is quite mixed, many of which would probably accept me, if I came out. Others however would not.

    I don't particularly buy into the "those who don't mind matter, and those who mind don't matter" notion, as it would personally kill me inside to lose any of these friends, as they've helped me through so much in my life. However due to the homophobic tendencies of individuals within my group of friends, I felt pressured to get a girlfriend, most likely to alleviate any suspicion amongst them that I might be gay. So I met a girl last year at University and we are currently in a relationship

    Don't get me wrong I didn't pick a girl to go into a relationship for the sake of it, we got to know each other and there is most definitely a physical connection between us, but that's the problem for me. I physically do love her, but obviously not sexually. Which makes maintaining this relationship so much harder.

    As a result I often feel really guilty as no matter how much I physically love her as a person, which I do. It's impossible for me to be sexually attracted to her. Making me feel like a horrible person as I feel like I'm in this relationship to alleviate my own social pressures therefore being involved for all the wrong reasons.

  2. #2

    Default

    To put it bluntly, there's a reason you're feeling horrible about this. You're using this poor girl for your own selfish ends. Whatever sugar-coating you might try to put on it aside, the point remains that you're using her.

    Here's the thing: If you're unwilling to come out, then your friends likely don't see a reason to reconsider their homophobic behaviors. Many people do and say all sorts of nasty things until they realize that someone close to them is gay. Or, perhaps they're actually homophobic. You say you don't believe in the idea that "those who don't mind matter, and those who mind don't matter," but consider this: Why would you consider someone a friend when they can't accept a basic part of who you are?

    Here's a second thing to consider: Why are you so scared of potentially losing them? Why would it kill you inside? What is it that is so compelling about these individuals that makes you want to go to such great lengths to hide such a basic part of yourself? Speaking from a fair bit of life experience, I can assure you that there is no one in this Universe compelling enough to make me want to hide that I'm gay anymore. I can also assure you that there is absolutely no one interesting or compelling enough to be worth it.

    Really, the underlying factor at play here is you and your confidence. Having been in a place where I was deathly afraid to come out, and now being in a place where I'm out, I realize now that the Universe was not nearly as scary as I thought it to be back then. I just knew a whole lot less about how it worked back then. Sadly, learning some of that is a personal process that takes some time.

    Take some time and consider some of what I've mentioned here. What do you have to gain by maintaining this charade? At what cost to yourself are you maintaining it? Think about the fact that you could be looking for a relationship that would actually be fulfilling to you. Think about the fact that you wouldn't have to expend the energy putting up fronts and having phony relationships.

    Also, and this is the most important consideration of all of them, consider the feelings of this poor girl you're using. Think about the fact that you're wasting her time. Think about the fact that you're really fucking around with her emotions and setting her up for a giant crash. What if she's really into you and thinks the two of you have a real future together? What happens when it all invariably comes crashing down? Or do you plan to try going through a sham marriage and have that crash in on you and waste 10 to 15 years of her life first? She could be out there finding the man that will treat her right and she could have a real future with, but you are denying her that opportunity with this pretend relationship. Think about how you'd feel if the roles were reversed and you were the one being used as a front in what was really a sham relationship.

    Stop and think about all that for a bit, then reassess where you are in your life and what you need to do about it.

  3. #3

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    Continuing this relationship for the purpose of maintaining some sort of public image would be wrong. You're wasting her time and yours. It sounds like you have a real connection with this person. If you truly cherish them and their friendship, you should be honest and break it off.

    As for being gay, there is no easy way to come out. I'm sorry you feel you have many friends who wouldn't accept you, but if they won't have your back as a gay man, they are probably friends worth losing. There will be friends who stick with you, and help you get through whatever obstacles you face.

    I'm not saying you need to "come out" now, but you're already 19. Time will start working against you before you know it. You don't have to feel like a scared child anymore. If you can't take yourself seriously as an adult who comfortable with themselves, you're never truly going to feel fulfilled.

    Take it from someone who lived a life of dishonesty, and decided to change. Three years on, and I've never been happier.

  4. #4

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    I dont know what to say in this particular situation.
    Just be true to yourself dude, Dont try to hide who you are or use her as a cover as long as its actual love between you two you should be good, I think.
    Does she know your gay? or have either of you two ever talked about why you're not sexualy attracted to her?

  5. #5

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    The other question arises, since you say you have some attraction, how much attraction do you have to the male gender? I lived an exclusively gay life in college, but I didn't think I wanted to spend the rest of my adult life, and as an older male, with another male. After college, I dated the girl who would become my wife and the mother of our children. I suppose I'm fortunate in that I can swing both ways. The thing is, I'm attracted to males sexually, but not in an intimate, cuddling, loving and kissing way. I am attracted to females in that way however.

    I think you need to appraise how you feel to each gender, and then make a decision. It doesn't make any sense at all to live a life with someone who can't sexually satisfy you, and fulfill you in a loving relationship. It's best when both occur. If you decide that you want to share your life with a male rather than a female, then you need to be honest with this girl for all the reasons that others have said. It's not fair to either one of you.

  6. #6

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    The other question arises, since you say you have some attraction, how much attraction do you have to the male gender? I lived an exclusively gay life in college, but I didn't think I wanted to spend the rest of my adult life, and as an older male, with another male. After college, I dated the girl who would become my wife and the mother of our children. I suppose I'm fortunate in that I can swing both ways. The thing is, I'm attracted to males sexually, but not in an intimate, cuddling, loving and kissing way. I am attracted to females in that way however.

    I think you need to appraise how you feel to each gender, and then make a decision. It doesn't make any sense at all to live a life with someone who can't sexually satisfy you, and fulfill you in a loving relationship. It's best when both occur. If you decide that you want to share your life with a male rather than a female, then you need to be honest with this girl for all the reasons that others have said. It's not fair to either one of you.
    It's really hard for me to say, I wouldn't say I'm in an emotionless relationship per se. I do physically love her, just not sexually if you know what I'm trying to say? In terms of personalities, interests and communication, we really connect. However in terms of being in a sexual relationship with someone I would only really feel comfortable in one with another man.

    I agree with the view that I definitely need to choose, and I think it's pretty apparent which way i'd choose, but having read through some of the posts, even though they're not the things you actually want to hear sometimes. It's made me realise that whilst I can personally accept who I am, I'm not ready to come out to other people and getting there will take time. I definitely have to be honest with her, otherwise the longer this relationship goes on, the more she'd end up getting hurt, when it ends.

  7. #7
    CrinklySiren

    Default

    I have to agree with what everyone else is saying, but if it were me, and I put a lot of importance in my friends and what they represent to me (which I do), I would feel guilty by making them think that I'm straight, because its not fair that they are hanging out with someone they don't know.. I think most of the time people feel more offended that you've lied to them for so long rather than just coming out as what you are, and getting a girlfriend to be in a fake relationship (or fake to you at least) would only make them feel more betrayed, and i dont even want to imagine how much worse its gonna be for this girl who eventually might fall in love with you, and then breaking her heart will be traumatic for bot h you and her.

    Its good that you decided that she has to know (just read that part right now) because despite physically/mentally loving her, you are not IN love with her (and yes there is a difference), and although this may seem like enough, sexuality is important in a relationship (and im not bluntly talking about sex, i mean kissing/touching/hugging etc.)Emotional Intimacy is ridiculously important in a relationship and if you don't feel that, its only gonna result in her getting hurt, and I can see that you don't want that.

    As much as you dont go by the notion you mentioned in the original post, sometimes thats the only way to go, because you cant let others or the presence of others dictate how your live your life or who you are, only you can do that.

  8. #8

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    I don't feel it's fair for either of you to continue a realationship in which you are sexually unfulfilled, because chances are then she is too. Personally, sex is a let down for me whenever the other person isn't really enjoying it, and I can't imagine going through a lifetime of that. If you were truely in love with her then I would say that you would be attracted to her sexually. I've known people who are both gay and straight that fell in love with someone outside of what they are inheritly sexually attracted to. So when I see the largely hetero man fall in love with the one person who completes him that happens to also be a man, I don't question. I think the heart wants what the heart wants, but I think that would include wanting them sexually too.

    As for you friends, if you tell them you are gay and they abandon you, then maybe they werent really your friends. Friends come and go throughout life, and trust me, you WILL make new friends regardless of whether or not you lose any of your old friends. : )

  9. #9

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Zoolander View Post
    I personally identify myself as gay (not out though). My friendship group is quite mixed, many of which would probably accept me, if I came out. Others however would not.

    I don't particularly buy into the "those who don't mind matter, and those who mind don't matter" notion, as it would personally kill me inside to lose any of these friends, as they've helped me through so much in my life. However due to the homophobic tendencies of individuals within my group of friends, I felt pressured to get a girlfriend, most likely to alleviate any suspicion amongst them that I might be gay. So I met a girl last year at University and we are currently in a relationship

    Don't get me wrong I didn't pick a girl to go into a relationship for the sake of it, we got to know each other and there is most definitely a physical connection between us, but that's the problem for me. I physically do love her, but obviously not sexually. Which makes maintaining this relationship so much harder.

    As a result I often feel really guilty as no matter how much I physically love her as a person, which I do. It's impossible for me to be sexually attracted to her. Making me feel like a horrible person as I feel like I'm in this relationship to alleviate my own social pressures therefore being involved for all the wrong reasons.
    Hi Zoolander, i don't feel you should feel guilty at all.

    You are only 19, and have lots still to discover about yourself.

    I know somebody that poses as a heterosexual man with kids, and he doesn't know that i am aware that he is Bi.
    I pity him because he is probably Bisexual, and he has a very conservative family who would probably cast him out if they ever found out.

    I wonder if he is content hiding his true self because he does everything he can to prove how strong/macho/manly he is, but as im sure many are aware, being manly take absolutely zero effort, it just a stereotypical attitude.

    You say physically you love her?

    Yet you have no lust or physical chemistry in being sexual with her and are strongly emotionally linked.....

    I really don't think you will marry this girl but i reckon a good Will and Grace friendship will last you a lifetime, as i think of them when i read your situation.

    Or else you will be like Sheldon Cooper and Amy Farrah Fowler, who are a dating couple but there is no sex!

    The decision is a tough one and i can imagine how hard it burdens you, but know this....

    Without great sexual chemistry, the relationship will never survive due to the fact that its one of the most important aspects in a relationship.
    Its different then needing to spice things up, because your sexuality dictates homosexuality.

    Stop waisting your time, become a Will to her and get going in life, with regards to exploring your needs and desires.
    Perhaps she already suspects somethings up because normally guys are horney buggers at your age.

    As for your friends, if they leave you because you are gay, they were bad friends to begin with so good riddens to them i say!

    Imagine the multitude of new friends you will make when you are finally out, and living your life to the full.
    You would be increasing your potential friends!

    As a hetero male. i have no problem with gay or bisexual people and i wouldn't think any different of them, but you have the power to do whats right for you.

    Your reasoning is sound and valid but your true self outweighs your reasoning against coming out.

    I think your future is looking bright so pick a day and mark this day, the start of your new life.
    Im cheering for you regards, Luckyfish.

  10. #10

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Zoolander View Post
    It's really hard for me to say, I wouldn't say I'm in an emotionless relationship per se. I do physically love her, just not sexually if you know what I'm trying to say? In terms of personalities, interests and communication, we really connect. However in terms of being in a sexual relationship with someone I would only really feel comfortable in one with another man.

    I agree with the view that I definitely need to choose, and I think it's pretty apparent which way i'd choose, but having read through some of the posts, even though they're not the things you actually want to hear sometimes. It's made me realise that whilst I can personally accept who I am, I'm not ready to come out to other people and getting there will take time. I definitely have to be honest with her, otherwise the longer this relationship goes on, the more she'd end up getting hurt, when it ends.
    Actually, I do know what you're saying. Even though I had a boy friend all through college, I didn't go around telling most people. My gay friends knew of course, but my straight friends didn't. I wasn't dating anyone else, so I suppose it didn't matter, but there was no reason that I could see, why I should tell or have to tell my straight friends. Of course, this was in the late 60's and gay men were not very accepted. In fact, you could be put into a mental facility against your will if you were "caught" with another man, so telling could be dangerous.

    Even today, there are those who are not accepting of homosexuality. Living in Virginia, I hear the comments of conservative Republicans, and they believe that homosexuality is a sin and that gay people are going to hell. I live only a few miles from Thomas Road Baptist Church and Liberty University. It's an unfriendly atmosphere to the gay lifestyle. So telling is not as easy as a random person on the internet might lead one to believe. You have to be comfortable about telling, and until you are, you should hold back until that time comes.

    I think a lot of acceptance comes with age. I certainly accept who I am as an infantalist, but for obvious reasons, I will never tell another soul. There's just no reason that I can possibly think of. I'm at a place in my life where I don't need the acceptance of friends. I don't think you are deceiving your straight friends. I just think they don't have a burning reason to know that one aspect about your life. It's your business. It's not like you're dating them. Ultimately, your girlfriend does need to know.

    If this helps, when I was becoming serious, dating the woman who would become my wife, I did tell her about my college history. I thought she had a right to know, and also know that my love making might be compromised by that. Two children later, things had found their rightful place in life. You just need some time to figure yourself out. Hang in there.

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